Abused by abusing SO, need help/advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 38
Abused by abusing SO, need help/advice
My SO is a functioning alcoholic and has been for a number of years. We've known each other about 10 years and she always had a drink or two per day but over the years this has grown to 2+ bottles of wine or the equivalent. She has been emotionally manipulative and abusive to me, but I've always chalked it up to her habit and not her own personality. Lately I've been questioning both the reasons why I continue to stay and whether her getting sober will actually change our relationship to something that I think will work.
Some background: we have a cycle of intimacy in which I feel we get closer and closer to each other, then she flips out over something I thought was trivial, or something non-trivial but has nothing to do with us (e.g. like child sex trafficking which is guaranteed to send her into a rage but has nothing to do with our relationship). I've gotten to where I can sense an explosion coming and do my best to head things off before that happens, but sometimes she's determined to explode and I have to just hope nothing major happens before things blow over and I am comfortable going to sleep.
Part of this cycle has expressed itself in me getting more distant as I start to realize that I will never be her first love, despite her non-drunk assurances that I am her world and her life (and other flowery language). We came very close to divorce about two years ago when I made myself very emotionally vulnerable to her and she went on a verbal tirade that completely diminished not only my feelings but made it clear that even broaching the subject again is tantamount to infidelity on my part. I've kept my emotional distance since then but we are both starting to feel the strain.
We haven't had intimate relations in months because of this cycle repeating itself, although our last major explosion was six months ago. She is only ever interested in sex when she is drinking (and after she's had enough to make her what I would call drunk but she calls "being herself"). And she made some comments awhile ago that having sex when she's drunk is almost equivalent to raping her since she is not technically in her capacity to consent. So I took those words to heart and she now says I made that part up in order to not have sex with her because she doesn't remember ever saying that (this is a common theme lately, btw).
I guess my questions are as follows: I've always heard that an abuser has to "hit rock bottom" before they wake up to what they've done to those around them. I thought we reached that point a few times but obviously she keeps right on drinking as always. Is this actually true? And can I stage a single-person intervention to force her to seek treatment that she doesn't want to participate in? She can stop drinking for at most four days before "it's the weekend" and then "it's the weekend" for about 2-3 months before she can bring herself to try to stop again. And none of her family knows how bad she drinks because she's very good at hiding it. I've talked to my good friend about some of these things because his parents went through a similar pattern but she says this is unfair to her and I'm not allowed to discuss her problems with other people. Personally, I am going to discuss these things with anyone I feel like because I feel like I cannot possibly contain her secrets AND keep dealing with how she treats me, so I ignore that request.
And my big question: Am I holding on to something that's not going to ever get better? And is it actually the alcoholism that I'm bumping into so much, or is this actually her personality as she says? I'm concerned that getting her sober will not change the way she treats me, it will only mean she stops drinking so much all the time.
Some background: we have a cycle of intimacy in which I feel we get closer and closer to each other, then she flips out over something I thought was trivial, or something non-trivial but has nothing to do with us (e.g. like child sex trafficking which is guaranteed to send her into a rage but has nothing to do with our relationship). I've gotten to where I can sense an explosion coming and do my best to head things off before that happens, but sometimes she's determined to explode and I have to just hope nothing major happens before things blow over and I am comfortable going to sleep.
Part of this cycle has expressed itself in me getting more distant as I start to realize that I will never be her first love, despite her non-drunk assurances that I am her world and her life (and other flowery language). We came very close to divorce about two years ago when I made myself very emotionally vulnerable to her and she went on a verbal tirade that completely diminished not only my feelings but made it clear that even broaching the subject again is tantamount to infidelity on my part. I've kept my emotional distance since then but we are both starting to feel the strain.
We haven't had intimate relations in months because of this cycle repeating itself, although our last major explosion was six months ago. She is only ever interested in sex when she is drinking (and after she's had enough to make her what I would call drunk but she calls "being herself"). And she made some comments awhile ago that having sex when she's drunk is almost equivalent to raping her since she is not technically in her capacity to consent. So I took those words to heart and she now says I made that part up in order to not have sex with her because she doesn't remember ever saying that (this is a common theme lately, btw).
I guess my questions are as follows: I've always heard that an abuser has to "hit rock bottom" before they wake up to what they've done to those around them. I thought we reached that point a few times but obviously she keeps right on drinking as always. Is this actually true? And can I stage a single-person intervention to force her to seek treatment that she doesn't want to participate in? She can stop drinking for at most four days before "it's the weekend" and then "it's the weekend" for about 2-3 months before she can bring herself to try to stop again. And none of her family knows how bad she drinks because she's very good at hiding it. I've talked to my good friend about some of these things because his parents went through a similar pattern but she says this is unfair to her and I'm not allowed to discuss her problems with other people. Personally, I am going to discuss these things with anyone I feel like because I feel like I cannot possibly contain her secrets AND keep dealing with how she treats me, so I ignore that request.
And my big question: Am I holding on to something that's not going to ever get better? And is it actually the alcoholism that I'm bumping into so much, or is this actually her personality as she says? I'm concerned that getting her sober will not change the way she treats me, it will only mean she stops drinking so much all the time.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi there, and welcome. Sounds like you've been pretty miserable in this relationship for a long time.
"Interventions" have a very spotty record of success, and really should only be undertaken with the help of a trained interventionist. It sounds like you have become very isolated, and that's pretty typical when the alcoholic pressures the partner to maintain the Secret at all costs.
Whether she'd become "better" as a result of getting sober or not, it doesn't sound as if she is remotely interested in getting sober, much less staying that way for the rest of her life.
I'd suggest finding an Al-Anon meeting and/or a therapist (for YOU, not her) who understands alcoholism issues, to help you sort out what it is you want for your life. It sounds like you don't have kids, so that's a good thing. It becomes much more complicated when kids are involved.
You don't have to make a decision this minute, but I think you'd be surprised how much more peaceful it is in a house without the chaos of active alcoholism. You might want to consult with a lawyer to find out what options are available in your state (e.g., some states recognize legal separation; others don't). Knowledge is power, and looking at your available alternatives, and getting your head clear in Al-Anon or with a therapist, will probably help you to figure out how you want the rest of YOUR life to look.
"Interventions" have a very spotty record of success, and really should only be undertaken with the help of a trained interventionist. It sounds like you have become very isolated, and that's pretty typical when the alcoholic pressures the partner to maintain the Secret at all costs.
Whether she'd become "better" as a result of getting sober or not, it doesn't sound as if she is remotely interested in getting sober, much less staying that way for the rest of her life.
I'd suggest finding an Al-Anon meeting and/or a therapist (for YOU, not her) who understands alcoholism issues, to help you sort out what it is you want for your life. It sounds like you don't have kids, so that's a good thing. It becomes much more complicated when kids are involved.
You don't have to make a decision this minute, but I think you'd be surprised how much more peaceful it is in a house without the chaos of active alcoholism. You might want to consult with a lawyer to find out what options are available in your state (e.g., some states recognize legal separation; others don't). Knowledge is power, and looking at your available alternatives, and getting your head clear in Al-Anon or with a therapist, will probably help you to figure out how you want the rest of YOUR life to look.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hello, MrMystery, and welcome to Sober Recovery. Alcohol dependency is progressive. What begins as a drink or two at night can morph over time into a bottle or two at night. Happens a lot. As a member of family with alcoholism woven through its fabric, and as an alcohol-dependent person, now non drinking, I urge you to find out as much as you can about alcoholism. The "stickies" at the top of the main menu of this site have a lot of good info about the many ramifications of alcoholism and its impact on families. There are TONS of good books about alcohol dependency. Knowledge is power. The SR site is very informative as well. With regard to "rock bottom:" in my opinion, rock bottom is not the one defining event that causes the drinker to slap his/her forehead and exclaim that they have been so wrong! It is the events, actions or behaviors of the drinker and his/her loved ones that culminate. Perhaps then the drinker becomes willing to accept responsibility for his/her actions, and, somehow, desires to live in a different way. If and until this happens to the drinker in your life, you should take care of you. May I suggest checking out Al-Anon meetings or talking to a counselor who is experienced in addictive behavior and its effect on the family dynamic? Sometimes when we are deep in the maelstrom of alcohol abuse, it can he hard to find a way forward. I hope this helps. Peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 38
I've been told by a couple others that I should find a good therapist but I hesitate to do so. Both because I have had a bad experience with a therapist, and also because seeing a therapist (or joining a local group) would necessitate off-work hours and accusations etc that I'm not sure I'm ready to face just yet.
I've been going through some of the links here but there is a lot to take in. I know she has to "fix herself" and she's not yet ready for that, but she also knows how I feel and usually deflects from the fact that her drinking affects us both.
I've been going through some of the links here but there is a lot to take in. I know she has to "fix herself" and she's not yet ready for that, but she also knows how I feel and usually deflects from the fact that her drinking affects us both.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it sounds as if slowly, over time, SHE has become the one that calls the shots and is in control. she tells you not to talk to others, when to have sex, and also has ZERO respect for your thoughts and feelings, which means she has discounted you as a person, much less a partner.
for a moment, let's not think about HER, let's focus on you. YOU need some good ole fashion help and support. and it is OK to seek that out. this IS your life, and if you need to talk to someone, share with others, reveal those nasty secrets, and you feel safe doing so, then you should proceed.
what i do not think is a good idea is for you to keep thinking there is a magic formula that will FIX HER. CHANGE her. nor should you consider a "one man intervention" because that has been going on for the last ten years AND SHE IS NOT LISTENING TO YOU.
don't try to project what "bottom" may look like for her, nor try to encourage it. focus instead on where YOUR bottom is.....how much more YOU are willing to take. you can stop your participation in this madness when YOU are ready.
for a moment, let's not think about HER, let's focus on you. YOU need some good ole fashion help and support. and it is OK to seek that out. this IS your life, and if you need to talk to someone, share with others, reveal those nasty secrets, and you feel safe doing so, then you should proceed.
what i do not think is a good idea is for you to keep thinking there is a magic formula that will FIX HER. CHANGE her. nor should you consider a "one man intervention" because that has been going on for the last ten years AND SHE IS NOT LISTENING TO YOU.
don't try to project what "bottom" may look like for her, nor try to encourage it. focus instead on where YOUR bottom is.....how much more YOU are willing to take. you can stop your participation in this madness when YOU are ready.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
MrMystery....I have heard people speak of "hitting bottom" in terms of alcoholism....but I have never heard of speaking of abuse in that way.
Abuse gets worse over time..(as does alcoholism)....I don't know of anyone with two beans in their head who would suggest to stay with an abuser until they hit bottom---for the obvious reasons.....
lol...MrMystery.....how much more time have you got? You have already spent several years in a way that is very miserable for yourself, from what I can gather....
For her to get into genuine recovery and get to the bottom of her other baggage would take two years for starters....
You would need a similar time, in your own therapy and program o f recovery to be able to heal and develop self understanding....
It is said that more relationships where there is heavy alcoholism, break up AFTER sobriety than before...who knew?
I hope that you will step back and take a good look at your own life and what you would need to be a happy thriving person...rather than just existing....
Abuse gets worse over time..(as does alcoholism)....I don't know of anyone with two beans in their head who would suggest to stay with an abuser until they hit bottom---for the obvious reasons.....
lol...MrMystery.....how much more time have you got? You have already spent several years in a way that is very miserable for yourself, from what I can gather....
For her to get into genuine recovery and get to the bottom of her other baggage would take two years for starters....
You would need a similar time, in your own therapy and program o f recovery to be able to heal and develop self understanding....
It is said that more relationships where there is heavy alcoholism, break up AFTER sobriety than before...who knew?
I hope that you will step back and take a good look at your own life and what you would need to be a happy thriving person...rather than just existing....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Sobriety date 7/15/2015
Posts: 13,350
She may have to lose everything including you to end up being alone so she can face herself, and also you can change. Dependency can make it go on forever with no resolution breaking everyone down. You're getting worse...she's getting worse...it's not working. This is sucking out all your energy...she's victimizing you. You need to take care of yourself so she can take care of herself. Sometimes we think we are helping them and loving them is the right thing but loving also means letting go. The unknown "what will happen?" is scary and requires faith...a big step. You may have to make that choice. In the meantime...and it sounds like a mean time..get support and make a plan for yourself. Detach the best you can even if it's emotionally.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Mm,
Good questions my friend. Everyone of us comes on this forum asking how can we get our addict sober and live happily ever after. That piece of paper doesn't exist, I am sorry to say.
What everyone is stating to you above is, she doesn't have a problem with her drinking, you do. So it is not her problem, it is yours. So what can you do about your problem?
There are alanon meetings that meet early, late and on weekends. This is a great start for you. Most addicts want you to keep their dirty little secrets until we r as sick as them. Which is why we all make it to this forum.
Keep reading, posting and educating yourself about addiction. We r only in control of ourselves. It is not illegal to drink ourselves to death, as tragic as that is. Hugs my friend, we do all understand. I hung on for 34 years hoping he would just get his shxt together, never happened, still drinking today.
Good questions my friend. Everyone of us comes on this forum asking how can we get our addict sober and live happily ever after. That piece of paper doesn't exist, I am sorry to say.
What everyone is stating to you above is, she doesn't have a problem with her drinking, you do. So it is not her problem, it is yours. So what can you do about your problem?
There are alanon meetings that meet early, late and on weekends. This is a great start for you. Most addicts want you to keep their dirty little secrets until we r as sick as them. Which is why we all make it to this forum.
Keep reading, posting and educating yourself about addiction. We r only in control of ourselves. It is not illegal to drink ourselves to death, as tragic as that is. Hugs my friend, we do all understand. I hung on for 34 years hoping he would just get his shxt together, never happened, still drinking today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 38
Well, I was informed a few days ago that she has cut back on her drinking over the last few months and I hadn't even noticed at all. I'm not sure when she started drinking less, but I have noticed that she is not quite so volatile as before. Perhaps this is the start of an upward trend?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sorry, alcoholism doesn't work that way. There might be brief periods when the alcoholic can "control" the drinking but it won't last and the overall trend is always progression.
When I was still drinking I still had a modicum of "control" and could do it for periods of time when I felt I HAD to. It wasn't natural for me, at all, though, and the second I gave myself permission (not hard to do), it was almost a boomerang effect, where I was drinking to make up for lost drinking.
When I was still drinking I still had a modicum of "control" and could do it for periods of time when I felt I HAD to. It wasn't natural for me, at all, though, and the second I gave myself permission (not hard to do), it was almost a boomerang effect, where I was drinking to make up for lost drinking.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
and you didn't even notice.....
that is the takeaway here. her drinking was still enough of a problem FOR YOU that you went online seeking help and advice.
as for her ability to suddenly and magically CONTROL her drinking? eh no, that's called wishful thinking. chances are likely that her idea of "cutting back" a "few months ago" was probably a two-day stretch in August when she drank less.
there is exactly ONE trend in alcoholism......it always gets worse. and there is exactly ONE action that will stop it.......QUITTING, 100%, FOR GOOD.
that is the takeaway here. her drinking was still enough of a problem FOR YOU that you went online seeking help and advice.
as for her ability to suddenly and magically CONTROL her drinking? eh no, that's called wishful thinking. chances are likely that her idea of "cutting back" a "few months ago" was probably a two-day stretch in August when she drank less.
there is exactly ONE trend in alcoholism......it always gets worse. and there is exactly ONE action that will stop it.......QUITTING, 100%, FOR GOOD.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Maybe her cutting back is hopeful, but I wouldn't invest too much in it. Often alcoholics' fallback position when confronted about their drinking is, "well, I'll moderate." Lasts for a bit, mostly, but they go back to their old behaviors after a while. But....everyone is different. Stay with this site, and wait and see. Time will tell.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 166
Maybe there's a tiny percent of alcohol abusers who can do it, but cutting back doesn't work for most real alcoholics. It's just their way of bargaining with themselves and the people who want them to stop drinking. Their dream is to be able to control their drinking, but still do that. Unfortunately for them and everyone around them, they can't.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
MrMystery....I am glad that you are on this site.....Rejoice, because you will never find such a concentrated amount of real life experiences and sources for your own education about addiction. alcoholism, and co-dependency.
Please check out the sticky at the top of the m ain page--just above the threads....especially the one called "Classic Readings"..
There is sooo much to learn...who knew?
Knowledge is power.....
Please check out the sticky at the top of the m ain page--just above the threads....especially the one called "Classic Readings"..
There is sooo much to learn...who knew?
Knowledge is power.....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 45
There will always be a rock bottom!
Hello Mr Mystery,
My husband uses all sorts of excuses to drink...I.e. bad day, excessively tired...but if those excuses are not there he will always resort to his 'old faithful's...the anniversary of his mum's passing...that was this weekend...his mum's birthday, mother's day, Christmas, missing his children. Please don't misunderstand me; I am not heartless or oblivious to his sincere pain, but as the observer, I see this cycle of unresolved grief and self-pity as a constant reason and, dare I say it, excuse to drink. There is nothing I wish for more than to see him find some contentment and happiness, but whilst he is feeding his sorrow with alcohol he will never be free of this downward spiral, and the alcoholic merry-go-round! Whenever I have urged him to seek bereavement counselling etc he has always said that it won't silence his head. What can you do with that? How do you help someone who isn't prepared to at least TRY to get help? You know what though...although the excuses for his drinking are usually negative ones, he also wants to drink if he feels particularly pleased with himself about something...like a drink is a reward. So I suppose what I am really trying to convey is my experience of living with an alcoholic...it doesn't t matter whether they are 'rock bottom's or on a ' high'; if the drinker wants to drink, they're gonna! They will always find a reason! Sending you good thoughts x
My husband uses all sorts of excuses to drink...I.e. bad day, excessively tired...but if those excuses are not there he will always resort to his 'old faithful's...the anniversary of his mum's passing...that was this weekend...his mum's birthday, mother's day, Christmas, missing his children. Please don't misunderstand me; I am not heartless or oblivious to his sincere pain, but as the observer, I see this cycle of unresolved grief and self-pity as a constant reason and, dare I say it, excuse to drink. There is nothing I wish for more than to see him find some contentment and happiness, but whilst he is feeding his sorrow with alcohol he will never be free of this downward spiral, and the alcoholic merry-go-round! Whenever I have urged him to seek bereavement counselling etc he has always said that it won't silence his head. What can you do with that? How do you help someone who isn't prepared to at least TRY to get help? You know what though...although the excuses for his drinking are usually negative ones, he also wants to drink if he feels particularly pleased with himself about something...like a drink is a reward. So I suppose what I am really trying to convey is my experience of living with an alcoholic...it doesn't t matter whether they are 'rock bottom's or on a ' high'; if the drinker wants to drink, they're gonna! They will always find a reason! Sending you good thoughts x
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
it sounds as if slowly, over time, SHE has become the one that calls the shots and is in control. she tells you not to talk to others, when to have sex, and also has ZERO respect for your thoughts and feelings, which means she has discounted you as a person, much less a partner.
for a moment, let's not think about HER, let's focus on you. YOU need some good ole fashion help and support. and it is OK to seek that out. this IS your life, and if you need to talk to someone, share with others, reveal those nasty secrets, and you feel safe doing so, then you should proceed.
what i do not think is a good idea is for you to keep thinking there is a magic formula that will FIX HER. CHANGE her. nor should you consider a "one man intervention" because that has been going on for the last ten years AND SHE IS NOT LISTENING TO YOU.
don't try to project what "bottom" may look like for her, nor try to encourage it. focus instead on where YOUR bottom is.....how much more YOU are willing to take. you can stop your participation in this madness when YOU are ready.
for a moment, let's not think about HER, let's focus on you. YOU need some good ole fashion help and support. and it is OK to seek that out. this IS your life, and if you need to talk to someone, share with others, reveal those nasty secrets, and you feel safe doing so, then you should proceed.
what i do not think is a good idea is for you to keep thinking there is a magic formula that will FIX HER. CHANGE her. nor should you consider a "one man intervention" because that has been going on for the last ten years AND SHE IS NOT LISTENING TO YOU.
don't try to project what "bottom" may look like for her, nor try to encourage it. focus instead on where YOUR bottom is.....how much more YOU are willing to take. you can stop your participation in this madness when YOU are ready.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
Hi MM,
I think the best thing that helped me finally break free from the cycle of alcoholic abuse was to keep coming to this site. I started in 2012 on SR and finally in 2016, I am free for good. It was quite a ride, but I gained so much strength and knowledge here. While reading here, I learned how common this cycle is for alcoholism.
My xAbf always told me how 'in control' of his drinking he was. He sure was in control of putting away 9-18 beers a night PLUS whatever else he could suck down. I sure was NOT in control by any means. Towards the end, I gave up. I came to the realization with the help of the good people here on SR that I couldn't control it, didn't cause it and couldn't cure it. Try as I might, it was like moving a boulder.
I can say that the xAbf (whom I have to communicate with due to a child) seems happier being away from the home. He gets to drink and live his life as he pleases. He tries to tell me 'he is controlling it'. I say 'good for you'.
I was around him for a little over 9 years. Living in alcohol misery decimated my life for so many years and I wasn't willing to give it one more day of my life.
How many more days do you want to be miserable worrying about someone else's drinking? That is the question you need to answer for YOU.
I think the best thing that helped me finally break free from the cycle of alcoholic abuse was to keep coming to this site. I started in 2012 on SR and finally in 2016, I am free for good. It was quite a ride, but I gained so much strength and knowledge here. While reading here, I learned how common this cycle is for alcoholism.
My xAbf always told me how 'in control' of his drinking he was. He sure was in control of putting away 9-18 beers a night PLUS whatever else he could suck down. I sure was NOT in control by any means. Towards the end, I gave up. I came to the realization with the help of the good people here on SR that I couldn't control it, didn't cause it and couldn't cure it. Try as I might, it was like moving a boulder.
I can say that the xAbf (whom I have to communicate with due to a child) seems happier being away from the home. He gets to drink and live his life as he pleases. He tries to tell me 'he is controlling it'. I say 'good for you'.
I was around him for a little over 9 years. Living in alcohol misery decimated my life for so many years and I wasn't willing to give it one more day of my life.
How many more days do you want to be miserable worrying about someone else's drinking? That is the question you need to answer for YOU.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by Maudcat
Maybe her cutting back is hopeful, but I wouldn't invest too much in it. Often alcoholics' fallback position when confronted about their drinking is, "well, I'll moderate." Lasts for a bit, mostly, but they go back to their old behaviors after a while. But....everyone is different. Stay with this site, and wait and see. Time will tell.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
