Are Alcoholics More Likely to Cheat?
 

I'm sure there are many who do not, but is there any correlation between alcoholism and how likely someone is to cheat? I am not so much talking about cheating when drunk at a bar one night and one thing leads to another and in a drunken stupor the alkie cheats and barely remembers the next morning (though of course that counts too, cheating is cheating)...

I'm mostly referring to an alcoholic who, during a period of sobriety, decides to take on an affair. Is this relatively common? Typical? Par for the course in dealing with alcoholics?

Alcoholism, cheating, abuse...I personally believe these are all separate issues, which, when active, have a lot of crossover. What you describe sounds like someone who is simply trading one addiction for another.

But whether that person is "more likely" to cheat -- I don't think anyone can answer that question with authority, only their own experience.

IMO - alcoholics drink, cheaters cheat.

I don't think there is any correlation but I do believe that the addiction could really enhance someone's existing desire/ability to cheat.

In my personal experience, the majority of addicts I have known have not been cheaters - they've always been much more interested in their mistress Alcohol.

I seriously doubt it. I think SparkleKitty is right, that it's a separate thing, like abuse. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, which might make someone more likely to act on impulses, but it doesn't turn a faithful person into an unfaithful one, or a peaceful, kind person into a violent one.

About the only truly uniform characteristic that I think goes hand-in-glove with addiction is the propensity to lie.

I agree with the others, I don't think there is a correlation. The third party in the relationship is really the alcohol (usually). That's a much bigger draw than any mistress.

The only experience I have is with my xabf, and as far as I know he didn´t cheat on me, but he did like to make me uncomfortable paying a lot of attention to other women when we went out. He wasn´t openly flirting (most of the time), but if we went to a party for example he would completely ignore me and be extremely charming with female friends or acquaintances. Then, after leaving, he would ask me what I thought about this particular woman. Looking back, I think it was a way for me to jump at the bait and start an argument, so he could act like I was completely insane.
Another manipulation was he would tell me every single detail of his past relationships, preferably with women I knew and who were extremely attractive. I couldn´t avoid feeling insecure when he did this. I tried not to react but I´m sure he was just fishing for a fight. As time went on he began posting pictures of himself with attractive women on facebook. For instance when he went to some event alone because I couldn´t come with him (I have kids so I can´t go out anytime I want). It was very hurtful to see him all smiley with some gorgeous woman the next day on my newsfeed.
When I started complaining about it (in a very civil manner, like I would text him that I would not meet with him because I was upset about the pic) he acted like I was mad and paranoid, and threatened to block me.
All in all, I really think it was mostly about being a complete jerk and causing conflicts.

But the thing is, I realized I would never treat a partner this way, and that I didn´t deserve to be treated like that. I think that´s the only conclusion you can draw from these situations: never mind what he does, are you happy and secure in your relationship? If not, let him go.

Hi Smarie,
I agree with everyone above. Not necessarily a correlation...
but my Separated AH did cheat, with two women, that I know of. He would also flirt with other women in front of me, when he was drinking, and/or when he was angry with me.
He claims he never would have done any of that without the alcohol, and I believe that's true to *some* extent, but it sure didn't make it hurt any less.

Hmm. Interesting question. I think there is a correlation in a lot of cases. Mainly, because as alcoholics we make stunning errors in judgment, bad decisions and live insane lives when in our addiction. I speak as the alcoholic who had an affair with a married man; he is also an alcoholic or strongly along that line. The whole thing is something completely different from our true (sober) morals and beliefs. I definitely think, speaking only for myself, that my serious haze of alcohol and my entire way of living and thinking was skewed and justified plenty of horrible things, this included.

Without alcohol in my life, I wouldn't cheat (on my own significant other nor as the "non"-spouse as if that made my role ok!), I don't lie, I wouldn't steal, I don't...I wouldn't....a lot of things I did when I was drinking. Taking out the alcohol shines a big old light on who I really am; I've got to clean up the past and understand it (I am an AA-er going on 8 mos sober so working through step 4, for example, was a big part of that) and I have to live a sane, spiritually fit life now to be the person I want to be.

we often want to dump TOO much into the "that's what alcoholics" do trash pit.........because if we can BLAME the ALCOHOL or the DISEASE,t then the person that WE love really does love US and just couldn't help themselves. it's our way of rationalizing abhorrent behavior, not wanting to accept the TRUTH.

if someone cheats while sober, you certainly cannot blame the booze or being under the influence. that was just a CHOICE they made. and if it's an AFFAIR vs a ONE NIGHT STAND that indicates even more thought and action and energy to keep it going. that is not a MISTAKE. that is a PLAN.

I think that infidelity is an individual and very complex issue. I find it hard to make and kind of firm, general statement about it......

It is interesting to me that on this board in general we believe there is no correlation. On infidelity boards, typically the exact opposite is believed documented.

I believe three things very strongly (as someone in a relationship with a problem drinking and who cheated on me).

1. Hurt people, hurt people. Neither problem drinking or affair behavior comes from a place of sanity and health. Both may force change that leads to sanity and health but I don't believe that is the driver of either behavior. Both behaviors can give a person a feeling of a "high" also......and a quick fix.

2. As a person directly impacted by both......I behaved similarly in both situations. I felt crazy, tried to control situations etc. I was fortunate that with the affair I was far enough down the road of my own recovery that I did not take it on as "My Fault," like I did with the alcohol use, but I probably would have any earlier in the process.

3. Recovery is possible for anyone in any role of either/both situations. Recovery does not mean that the relationship survives or that both people get better. It is hard work, painful and takes some time but I can honestly say that in the last few weeks healing from both situations has settled in for me (5.5 years out).

Yes, that was what I was coming on here to say, as well.

My two cents: I believe that there is some correlation, but it is not to be confused with causation. Alcoholism isn't what specifically causes people to cheat, but rather both issues are symptoms of greater underlying issues: moral corruption, lack of fulfillment in life combined with the desire to seek out danger or thrills, lack of regard for others.

Now, I would naturally assume that if somebody is the kind of person who needs constant excitement to fill some kind of emptiness in their life, and they are willing to go so far as to engage in infidelity to get their kicks, I would find it extremely likely that they would also engage in other risky behaviors as well - such as excessive drinking, or substance abuse, or other destructive habits. That certainly isn't a guarantee, but I would imagine that it bears a grain of truth.

I have only been cheated on once in my life. (Multiple times).

I've only had one alcoholic in my life.

They were one in the same person so I have nothing else to compare it with.

But mine cheated many times and drank many times and they were both usually happening at the same time. So in my case it didn't really matter if they were 2 separate issues, they were both occurring at the same times.

There is another element that plays a role in this scenario: the OH finding out about the infidelity. Lots - if not most - people cheat at one time or another, but that doesn´t mean their partner has to find out about it. In fact, most affairs go unnoticed. That is because the unfaithful individual doesn´t want to hurt his/her partner and so goes to great lenghts to avoid anyone finding out about it.

However, this never seems to happen with an A. It makes me wonder if, in their insanity, they don´t care/feel entitled to hurt everyone around them?
In my case, with the xabf working on my jealousy and insecurity, there was no actual affair, but he really put a lot of effort in making me imagine one and suffer because of it.

I don't know whether there's a correlation or not. I suppose I lean towards no correlation, but that's based on my experience with my husband and his extracurricular activities.

Over 2 years ago, my husband went to massage parlors and had massages with happy endings (five times) during a dark 6-month period...in an "altered" state (my husband's words). He blamed the alcohol for his lapse in judgment. I didn't. I thought to myself - not all alcoholics find themselves mysteriously in massage parlors. It may have lowered his inhibitions, but somewhere along the way the thought of massage parlors entered his mind wayyy b/f the nights he decided to follow through with it. The thought was there beforehand.

I think his individual therapist thought it was a separate issue from alcoholism, too (for my husband at least).

That's a good point too... Mine made little to no effort to hide his cheating from me when it was going on. And I thought it was because he was just too drunk and careless all the time to do it. He would leave his phone , and not delete messages, knowing that I would look. But maybe it was deliberate...
The first time he went one of the woman's house he actually told me where he was going in his angry drunken rage, but then the next day had apparently forgotten he told me, and made up some other story...

When he had his nine month sober stint, he was still working with one of the women he cheated on me with for the first few months of that... and of course told me that he wasn't talking to her except when he "had to" for work.
I knew then there was more to it, but I did believe their contact was at least less than it had been, and no longer physical.... but looking back, I'm sure it was much more than even that, but he was sober, so he was able to hide it from me..... and I suppose I was still in denial to some degree, so I overlooked things that now seem obvious as I look back.
:(

Hmm....surprised to hear most people cheat at one time or another. I can't say I have ever expected that. This is my first relationship where infidelity has been an issue. I guess I always took it for granted being a problem because it never was in the past in my relationships, at least to my knowledge!

The thing I don't understand is that my A was pretty sloppy. I don't know if I would say he wanted me to find out, but for example he had his phone set to preview display texts so there was always a chance I would come across something given that he leaves his phone laying around - as in, will fall asleep with it next to him or on the charger - not exactly hidden.

And when I caught him the first time (um...writing this out is making me realize first and last time should be synonymous), after raging at me that it was someone he knew 5 years ago who must have sent it to the wrong person - and dummy me believed him, or let's say just blocked it out, instead of just hiding his stupid text preview notification, he decided to change her name in his phone to a man's name like a moron.

Pretty sure when "Tommy" texts you that you made a specific part of her body due something very intimately specific, that isn't your friend from AA messing around with you as he assured me. I also recall seeing texts from "Brandon" saying hi there. Good lord - if you are going to cheat at least be a little bit careful so your girlfriend who treats you like gold doesn't get to read all the gory details when she's cleaning up your **** because you are too drunk to go to the bathroom by yourself.

Oh boy....maybe I need to write more often. Only then do I realize the absurdity of the situation and what this man has done to me. All the lovey dovey text messages in the world does not make him exempt. He must tell me 15 times a day over text how beautiful I am and how im the love all his life and he has never loved someone like this, etc., etc. Yeah - show it buddy. Talk is cheap.

Whew, back to work now :)

Sounds just like mine!!! At one point mine added her name into his phone with a made up woman's name?! Like what was the point of that?

My AW had an emotional affair with her boss (though adamantly denies it). I got blamed for "pushing (her) into his arms" - and blameshifting is an alcoholic trait. So, I really don't have an answer, just explaining what my experience is.

I think that taking a depressant every day (alcohol) contributed to the scenario, however.

COD