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I am such a fool

Old 09-28-2016, 08:52 PM
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I am such a fool

I don't take my own advice. I am now 9 1/2 years into this marriage. Have walked out and come back more times than I can count. Mostly because I can't afford a divorce. I was stupid enough to believe him when he said I could quit my job to build up my business 6 months ago.Plus everything is in my name because he declared bankruptcy. Ever since March he has been bitching about my lack of income as I haven't been making a steady monthly one. He is supposed to be the main provider for now . Now once again **** hit the fan because I left to go see my aunt in Florida after one of his binges and now the ******** is divorcing me. I also found his dating profile on the computer on several sights that he set up on 9/26 which just pissed me off. I haven't had sex in over 2 years because I won't let him touch me . I planned the business so I can eventually get out because it would allow me to work from home as my house is far and has no paying jobs nearby. Now I am dead broke and will have no way to pay my mortgage. And the kicker?? He is a NYC limo driver who drives for huge accounts! Even after one fires him for not showing up another one hires him and he makes tons of money!!
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Old 09-28-2016, 09:12 PM
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Hi Detached Wife, I wanted to welcome you back to this forum. I did notice that you joined here in 2011. I think even with myself I realized things were wrong many years before I actually wanted to admit it to myself.

I used to isolate myself, just pretend everything was fine.

I think you did yourself the biggest favor tonight, by getting things out there and starting to talk about things.

I know when I did that, and I must say that was such a foreign thing for me to do, I started to feel better when I was talking to people who actually knew what I was talking about. I no longer felt alone. I actually felt validated, and not crazy or insane which was what I was being led to think.

So, (((((((((((welcome))))))))))))

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
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Old 09-29-2016, 03:07 AM
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Sounds to me like you can afford the divorce more than you can staying married to this jerk.

Best advice? Let him go. Talk to a lawyer about protecting the assets you have. Find another job while you continue to build your business. Find another house, if you need to. None of this is the end of the world, financially speaking. Sounds to me like he's doing you a favor, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

Hugs,
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Old 09-29-2016, 06:26 AM
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Welp, he doesn't sound like a prize package. You have demonstrated that you can leave, which is good. Many people feel they can't. Seconding LexieCat's recommendations. Talk to an attorney. Find out what your options are. Make sure he/she is on your side and go for it. Peace.
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Old 09-29-2016, 12:41 PM
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DW,
I agree I would seek out legal counsel asap. Since the house is in your name I would get it up for sale asap so you don't lose it. I know you are very overwhelmed about your situation right now, but I think that you can start thinking about you now. Hugs my friend!!
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Old 09-29-2016, 03:05 PM
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Hi there, I think the danger of constantly being around someone who does not treat us well is that we start to get used to it, accept it and then that becomes our life. But - we dont't have to! we can say No. Don't put up with it. Imagine that ! A life where the only people around you have to be decent to you - or else - you show them the door.

I am just starting to realize I went from an abusive xAH to a partner with BPD who treated me the same way. Now I am finally saying No. I am going to try having Nobody as a partner because then at least Nobody can treat me badly. I will do this until I become healthier. You deserve better.
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Old 09-29-2016, 03:14 PM
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now is the time to get serious about accepting that the time for giving chances is over. you have a lot of decisions to make, and i agree with others that a trip to an attorney is priority #1. i would not at this time tell you AH of your plans.....or make threats......just quietly get yer sh!t together so you can move forward to a bright new future.
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Old 09-29-2016, 03:50 PM
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he has no clue I know anything. I can't sell my house because the value has dropped so much that I will make nothing on the sale. I only have 7 more years left on the mortgage payments which are much lower than a rental in New York. My total left is around $52,000 and it's only $860 a month with the taxes. A rental where I reside with him is $1400 if you are lucky. I am just trying to keep mum while I get attorney consultation. Hard to find free ones here as well and I can't afford to pay. Plus I do not have money for a retainer and have been told it is unlikely they can make him pay as hiring a lawyer is your choice and therefore your responsibility
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Old 09-29-2016, 05:33 PM
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For a marriage that long, you would be eligible for alimony - in my state it is one-third the length of your marriage and represents 40-45% of the marital income during that period. The fact that you are making nothing right now might end up playing in your favor - it certainly did for my ex who made next to nothing when we divorced.

You would still need to secure legal counsel, but I was able to put my retainer onto a credit card. Not sure that would be helpful in your case but it was in mine.
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Old 09-29-2016, 05:44 PM
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You need to leave.

My mother and i(at17) left my father, my mother was making $12 an hour working fulll time. She found a program called Affordable Coalition Organization that lets people with low income to medium income buy a property WAY cheaper than its market price, research for this in your state. We saved up 4,000 between the two of us and she served him his divorce papers, we moved and never looked back. There is a way out, believe me. As for making money, if you can sign up for Lyft, it's about $18-35 an hour and you can work when you want or just need extra money. It helps me a LOT.
You need to leave him no matter how hard it will be. Trust me. Your life is not never ending, when will you start living for YOU?
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Old 09-30-2016, 09:39 AM
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This realtor tells you to get a free home evaluation from a local real estate agent. You may be surprised. Good luck!
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