Please help. Don't know what to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 18
Please help. Don't know what to do.
My husband and I just had a blow-up argument and I'm really shaken up. My gut is telling me I should leave him but I'm so fearful of the effect that would have on the lives of our four kids. I'm a stay-at-home mom and I have no clue where to go from here.
A little background....I've known my husband for 16 years now and he was always a heavy drinker, but functional. We often argued when he drank, but somehow I was able to tolerate it because the arguments weren't that bad. He was never physical or threatening at all. Most of the time he was very laidback and easygoing in general. Over the last few years, though, he started drinking more and more heavily, to the point of passing out on the couch almost every night, and our arguments got worse.
One night almost exactly a year ago, he had been drinking and we were arguing as usual, nothing out of the ordinary and fairly mild, and then I went upstairs to bed. A few minutes later he suddenly tore up the stairs, KICKED THE DOOR OPEN (even though it was unlocked and it wasn't unusual for me to close it when going to bed), rushed into the room and told me he was "feeling violent."
I was instantly terrified. I made to reach for our phone and he said if I called the police (which I've never done before, but I was really scared) he would knock the phone out of my hands. I backed away from the phone. He is 6 inches taller than me and almost 100 pounds heavier, and he was standing right there in front of me looking like he was going to hit me.
Luckily he calmed down after a minute and went downstairs. But a few minutes later, I heard him come thundering up the stairs again. I ran into the bathroom with the phone and locked the door, worried he was really mad again. He told me to come out but I said I didn't want to. He threatened to wake up our kids. That got me to come out of the bathroom. I asked him why he would wake them up and he said, "So they can bear witness to what is happening to our family."
So to make a long story short, he eventually calmed down enough for us both to go to sleep. The next day, I felt physically ill all day. Finally I got up the strength to confront him. I told him I refused to be scared in my own house, and I would never again be around him when he is drinking. If he wanted to be married to me, he had to stop drinking in our house. He complained that I was giving him an ultimatum. He said he was never going to hurt me that night, and never would. (He seemed, or claimed, to not remember a lot of what actually happened though.)
I SHOULD have insisted he never drink again, anywhere. I tried to but he claimed he would be fine having a few beers here and there when he went out with friends. He reluctantly agreed to stop drinking in our house. One day while he was at work, I gathered up every last iota of alcohol and associated accessories (all the wine glasses, bottle openers, corkscrews, etc.), drove to a dumpster and left them there. Over the next few months, we had pretty drastic ups and downs. I could tell he was going through physical withdrawals from the lack of alcohol, but he refused to get any help or even admit he had ever had a problem, although he did say he had been drinking too heavily before. I was very upset that he still kept downplaying everything that happened that night, claiming I overreacted and even at one point blaming me for "making" him so upset.
But we managed to muddle through everything. For the most part, our relationship improved a lot and we became closer. I enjoyed actually being able to talk to and hang out with a sober person at night. Gradually, though, he started drinking here and there in other places--going out with coworkers after work, which has now turned into a weekly occurrence, and visiting old friends and drinking with them. This summer we went on a few short trips together and--stupidly, I'm sure--I didn't complain when he drank around me. EVERY single time he drank, he got WAY too drunk--even though he claims to be able to control his drinking. He obviously cannot at all. But we managed to avoid arguing those few times, and he still hasn't drank in our house.
I've begun to notice that whenever he goes out somewhere and drinks, for the next few days he's in a foul mood. I've mentioned this to him and he doesn't believe me. He still thinks I'm overreacting about everything. But I'm sure this sporadic binge drinking can't be good for him.
So since that horrible argument a year ago, there was only one other occasion when he got kind of aggressive--one night when he got angry and threw the kitchen trash can across the room. I was shaken up about that but I wrote it off to him going through withdrawals.
Fast forward to today....We've been arguing a little over the past few days. I've been extremely stressed out about a lot of things (money, kid stuff, etc.). He's been very pushy and in my face about trying to get me to not be so stressed out (which has been having the opposite effect). I was feeling better yesterday until he came home. He was in a bad mood. He tried to argue with me when we were in bed about to go to sleep, but I was so tired and told him I wanted to go to sleep.
So then this morning, after our oldest 3 kids left for school, he suddenly got really confrontational and aggressive with me. He thought I was "pushing him away" or something because I wasn't being affectionate enough with him. Out of the blue, he picked up a few things--I don't even know what--and threw them across the room, and started yelling and cussing. Then he started stomping toward me. I grabbed the phone, thinking in the back of my head I could call for help if I had to. He said, "Oh, you're going to call the police? I'm not going to let you"--or something like that. I can't remember his exact words now, but I put down the phone and felt VERY scared. Our 3-year-old had come into the room by then and I was trying to process what to do to protect both him and myself.
I kept pleading with my husband to calm down. He was yelling at me, calling me a b*tch and a c*nt. He eventually calmed down a little, but then he sat down at the kitchen table and announced that neither of us were going anywhere until we worked this out. I told him he needed to go to work so we could both calm down, and we could talk about it later. He refused and said he wasn't going anywhere. He said he was going to take the whole day off from work if he had to.
To make another long story short, he was just acting much different from usual--emotionally agressive and insulting. Again, he's usually pretty laidback, believe it or not. I couldn't stop crying. He ended up apologizing for getting so angry, and he insisted he was not going to hurt me, and never would. He said he's not a violent person and has never hit anyone before. I told him at the very least, he was being emotionally abusive by trying to intimidate me physically. He admitted he shouldn't have gotten that angry. But he continued to talk to me in a condescending, aggressive way, at first saying he wanted a divorce, then saying he would never leave me, he loved me so much, etc., etc.
He finally went to work. A few minutes later, he started calling me over and over again--the house phone and my cell phone. He left a message on my cell phone that said I obviously didn't want to talk to him, but if I ever "got over it" I should call him back.
So I'm sitting here feeling so upset and confused and heartbroken. He was like a different person this morning. That horrible argument we had a year ago I blamed on his drinking. But he wasn't drinking this morning, and he didn't drink last night. He did drink a few days ago though when he was out with friends. I don't know if this occasional drinking is causing mood swings, or if he's just changing into a different person. More like his father, who hit his mother on at least one occasion that my husband witnessed growing up, and also hit my husband's brother.
We're all so entrenched in this life that it seems so easy to just keep going on. The kids have their friends, their schools, their activities, their routines. I've been out of work for a long time now. How would I even begin to make a new life on my own? My family is all a few hours away. I'm reluctant to confide in any friends because I have this instinct to want to keep up appearances that everything is fine. I have no one to talk to and I don't know what to do. Should I be worried about my safety? Am I overreacting like he says? He claims these kinds of arguments are normal. My parents never fought like this.
What would you do? Thank you for any advice.
A little background....I've known my husband for 16 years now and he was always a heavy drinker, but functional. We often argued when he drank, but somehow I was able to tolerate it because the arguments weren't that bad. He was never physical or threatening at all. Most of the time he was very laidback and easygoing in general. Over the last few years, though, he started drinking more and more heavily, to the point of passing out on the couch almost every night, and our arguments got worse.
One night almost exactly a year ago, he had been drinking and we were arguing as usual, nothing out of the ordinary and fairly mild, and then I went upstairs to bed. A few minutes later he suddenly tore up the stairs, KICKED THE DOOR OPEN (even though it was unlocked and it wasn't unusual for me to close it when going to bed), rushed into the room and told me he was "feeling violent."
I was instantly terrified. I made to reach for our phone and he said if I called the police (which I've never done before, but I was really scared) he would knock the phone out of my hands. I backed away from the phone. He is 6 inches taller than me and almost 100 pounds heavier, and he was standing right there in front of me looking like he was going to hit me.
Luckily he calmed down after a minute and went downstairs. But a few minutes later, I heard him come thundering up the stairs again. I ran into the bathroom with the phone and locked the door, worried he was really mad again. He told me to come out but I said I didn't want to. He threatened to wake up our kids. That got me to come out of the bathroom. I asked him why he would wake them up and he said, "So they can bear witness to what is happening to our family."
So to make a long story short, he eventually calmed down enough for us both to go to sleep. The next day, I felt physically ill all day. Finally I got up the strength to confront him. I told him I refused to be scared in my own house, and I would never again be around him when he is drinking. If he wanted to be married to me, he had to stop drinking in our house. He complained that I was giving him an ultimatum. He said he was never going to hurt me that night, and never would. (He seemed, or claimed, to not remember a lot of what actually happened though.)
I SHOULD have insisted he never drink again, anywhere. I tried to but he claimed he would be fine having a few beers here and there when he went out with friends. He reluctantly agreed to stop drinking in our house. One day while he was at work, I gathered up every last iota of alcohol and associated accessories (all the wine glasses, bottle openers, corkscrews, etc.), drove to a dumpster and left them there. Over the next few months, we had pretty drastic ups and downs. I could tell he was going through physical withdrawals from the lack of alcohol, but he refused to get any help or even admit he had ever had a problem, although he did say he had been drinking too heavily before. I was very upset that he still kept downplaying everything that happened that night, claiming I overreacted and even at one point blaming me for "making" him so upset.
But we managed to muddle through everything. For the most part, our relationship improved a lot and we became closer. I enjoyed actually being able to talk to and hang out with a sober person at night. Gradually, though, he started drinking here and there in other places--going out with coworkers after work, which has now turned into a weekly occurrence, and visiting old friends and drinking with them. This summer we went on a few short trips together and--stupidly, I'm sure--I didn't complain when he drank around me. EVERY single time he drank, he got WAY too drunk--even though he claims to be able to control his drinking. He obviously cannot at all. But we managed to avoid arguing those few times, and he still hasn't drank in our house.
I've begun to notice that whenever he goes out somewhere and drinks, for the next few days he's in a foul mood. I've mentioned this to him and he doesn't believe me. He still thinks I'm overreacting about everything. But I'm sure this sporadic binge drinking can't be good for him.
So since that horrible argument a year ago, there was only one other occasion when he got kind of aggressive--one night when he got angry and threw the kitchen trash can across the room. I was shaken up about that but I wrote it off to him going through withdrawals.
Fast forward to today....We've been arguing a little over the past few days. I've been extremely stressed out about a lot of things (money, kid stuff, etc.). He's been very pushy and in my face about trying to get me to not be so stressed out (which has been having the opposite effect). I was feeling better yesterday until he came home. He was in a bad mood. He tried to argue with me when we were in bed about to go to sleep, but I was so tired and told him I wanted to go to sleep.
So then this morning, after our oldest 3 kids left for school, he suddenly got really confrontational and aggressive with me. He thought I was "pushing him away" or something because I wasn't being affectionate enough with him. Out of the blue, he picked up a few things--I don't even know what--and threw them across the room, and started yelling and cussing. Then he started stomping toward me. I grabbed the phone, thinking in the back of my head I could call for help if I had to. He said, "Oh, you're going to call the police? I'm not going to let you"--or something like that. I can't remember his exact words now, but I put down the phone and felt VERY scared. Our 3-year-old had come into the room by then and I was trying to process what to do to protect both him and myself.
I kept pleading with my husband to calm down. He was yelling at me, calling me a b*tch and a c*nt. He eventually calmed down a little, but then he sat down at the kitchen table and announced that neither of us were going anywhere until we worked this out. I told him he needed to go to work so we could both calm down, and we could talk about it later. He refused and said he wasn't going anywhere. He said he was going to take the whole day off from work if he had to.
To make another long story short, he was just acting much different from usual--emotionally agressive and insulting. Again, he's usually pretty laidback, believe it or not. I couldn't stop crying. He ended up apologizing for getting so angry, and he insisted he was not going to hurt me, and never would. He said he's not a violent person and has never hit anyone before. I told him at the very least, he was being emotionally abusive by trying to intimidate me physically. He admitted he shouldn't have gotten that angry. But he continued to talk to me in a condescending, aggressive way, at first saying he wanted a divorce, then saying he would never leave me, he loved me so much, etc., etc.
He finally went to work. A few minutes later, he started calling me over and over again--the house phone and my cell phone. He left a message on my cell phone that said I obviously didn't want to talk to him, but if I ever "got over it" I should call him back.
So I'm sitting here feeling so upset and confused and heartbroken. He was like a different person this morning. That horrible argument we had a year ago I blamed on his drinking. But he wasn't drinking this morning, and he didn't drink last night. He did drink a few days ago though when he was out with friends. I don't know if this occasional drinking is causing mood swings, or if he's just changing into a different person. More like his father, who hit his mother on at least one occasion that my husband witnessed growing up, and also hit my husband's brother.
We're all so entrenched in this life that it seems so easy to just keep going on. The kids have their friends, their schools, their activities, their routines. I've been out of work for a long time now. How would I even begin to make a new life on my own? My family is all a few hours away. I'm reluctant to confide in any friends because I have this instinct to want to keep up appearances that everything is fine. I have no one to talk to and I don't know what to do. Should I be worried about my safety? Am I overreacting like he says? He claims these kinds of arguments are normal. My parents never fought like this.
What would you do? Thank you for any advice.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
No you are NOT overreacting. Yes, you should be worried about your safety. No, these kind of arguments are NOT normal. I wish I had an answer for you as to what your next step should be but I have not been in this situation. I am certain someone will come up behind me to advise you on what to do. Just know that my heart is hurting for you and your children right now. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU! Hang tight girl....
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
That was a scary, threatening, and abusive situation--nowhere near a "normal argument."
What I would do, first thing, is to call your local women's shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline, and talk with an advocate. This is a dangerous situation for you AND for your child. I've worked professionally in the DV field for a very long time and seen the harm that is done both to victims and to the children who are exposed to the violence. Heck, look at how it has affected your husband, who thinks this kind of behavior is "normal."
Personally, I would strongly consider obtaining a protective order, if you are eligible for one where you live. That would require him to leave and to have no contact with you while it's in effect (and also require him to support the household in the meantime). The judge could also order him to receive alcohol treatment and/or batterers' intervention treatment.
Even if you aren't eligible for an order (some states would not consider what happened this morning grounds for an order, but many other states would), the advocate will be able to help you with safety planning and other resources to keep you and your child safe.
What I would do, first thing, is to call your local women's shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline, and talk with an advocate. This is a dangerous situation for you AND for your child. I've worked professionally in the DV field for a very long time and seen the harm that is done both to victims and to the children who are exposed to the violence. Heck, look at how it has affected your husband, who thinks this kind of behavior is "normal."
Personally, I would strongly consider obtaining a protective order, if you are eligible for one where you live. That would require him to leave and to have no contact with you while it's in effect (and also require him to support the household in the meantime). The judge could also order him to receive alcohol treatment and/or batterers' intervention treatment.
Even if you aren't eligible for an order (some states would not consider what happened this morning grounds for an order, but many other states would), the advocate will be able to help you with safety planning and other resources to keep you and your child safe.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 527
Get yourself to a private place and call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. 800-799-7233. 800 799 SAFE. They were very helpful to me.
Do you have one person you can trust? Try to only confide in that one person right now. You don't want info going back to your AH. Print out this post and keep it and start recording episodes of violence - but only keep it at your friend's house. Start collecting financial documents- again but only if you can immediately get them to your friend's house. Let us know what happens. We are here to support you. You don't deserve this.
Do you have one person you can trust? Try to only confide in that one person right now. You don't want info going back to your AH. Print out this post and keep it and start recording episodes of violence - but only keep it at your friend's house. Start collecting financial documents- again but only if you can immediately get them to your friend's house. Let us know what happens. We are here to support you. You don't deserve this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
We're all so entrenched in this life that it seems so easy to just keep going on.
I thought the same thing. The problem is that the abuse (that's what this is) and aggressive behavior and rages are progressive. They will continue and they will escalate. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but it will happen.
I thought my ex would never lay a hand on me or the kids. I thought that until he finally did. After that I blamed his drinking and basically put all my energy into trying to make him get sober because I thought it would stop all the other stuff that was going on in our home. I was hesitant to define what was happening as abuse because I wasn't walking around with sunglasses on all the time to hide my black eyes like a woman in a Lifetime Original movie cliche.
Please take the guidance in Lexie's post. There's no obligation to leave him or do anything just because you called to get some information. Knowledge is power, and sitting and hoping things won't get worse isn't a real solution (I know from experience). You shouldn't have to live in fear.
I thought the same thing. The problem is that the abuse (that's what this is) and aggressive behavior and rages are progressive. They will continue and they will escalate. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but it will happen.
I thought my ex would never lay a hand on me or the kids. I thought that until he finally did. After that I blamed his drinking and basically put all my energy into trying to make him get sober because I thought it would stop all the other stuff that was going on in our home. I was hesitant to define what was happening as abuse because I wasn't walking around with sunglasses on all the time to hide my black eyes like a woman in a Lifetime Original movie cliche.
Please take the guidance in Lexie's post. There's no obligation to leave him or do anything just because you called to get some information. Knowledge is power, and sitting and hoping things won't get worse isn't a real solution (I know from experience). You shouldn't have to live in fear.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Please, don't think you are overreacting, this is a very serious situation that is escalating so slowly over time that you can't see it happening. That's the progression of this disease hiding in plain sight. I wouldn't be surprised to find that he has never really quit in any way, always continued secret-drinking to some extent or is occasionally mixing some other substance with his alcohol. Alcoholism is one thing but the violence is another beast altogether.
You don't lose anything by just calling to get information so please take that first, small step. It doesn't mean you are committing to anything more than educating yourself about what you are dealing with here. You could have never predicted the things that have happened & have no way of knowing how far this can escalate. All you have to do today is ONE thing different to empower yourself to change this dysfunction in your household, just one baby step.
You don't lose anything by just calling to get information so please take that first, small step. It doesn't mean you are committing to anything more than educating yourself about what you are dealing with here. You could have never predicted the things that have happened & have no way of knowing how far this can escalate. All you have to do today is ONE thing different to empower yourself to change this dysfunction in your household, just one baby step.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: NH
Posts: 45
Seeking Clarity...Everyone is right...this is just the beginning. I have been where you are...and it might be ok for a few weeks..months ....but it will happen again...your husband is not a bad man...but his disease is making it difficult to be the man he should be. You should get as much information as you can...find support...any way you can. I can honestly say...being divorced from my AH was a relief...and making it on my own...it was hard...but necessary and I accomplished it and so much. I hope you are able to find some peace...and a lot of strength...i will be thinking about you
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I'm so sorry. Please listen to all the excellent advice you have been given...this is NOT normal, it's not acceptable, and he's involving your children, who may grow up and repeat this pattern.
I also wonder if he isn't hiding his drinking or using some other drug instead when he's home, thinking you won't detect it.
Please, please keep your kids and yourself safe.
I also wonder if he isn't hiding his drinking or using some other drug instead when he's home, thinking you won't detect it.
Please, please keep your kids and yourself safe.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 18
Thank you so much for the kind words. I just called the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The woman was very comforting and gave me the number of a local place I can call if I want to get counseling and/or leave him. She reassured me that I wasn't overreacting too. It was good to be able to finally tell someone out loud all this stuff. It made me feel a little less powerless in this situation, to know that there are places I can turn to. I have a pounding headache right now. I never, ever thought I would be in this position of being married to someone who is showing signs of abuse. I can't take this feeling of fear. I never thought I would feel afraid of my own husband. It's like a nightmare.
I feel like I do want to leave him, but I'm not completely ready. The trick is trying to prevent another one of his rages until I figure out what I'm going to do. And then I read that over and I know I'm stalling. When will I ever be "ready" to walk out on the only life I've known for the past 13 years? It will never be easy. I just feel horribly guilty at the thought of disrupting the kids' lives so much. I often think of leaving him after the kids are all grown and out of the house, but that would be another 15 years or more, and so much could happen before then. I've brought up counseling several times and he always refuses, says he would rather get divorced than go to counseling. I think I should make an appointment for myself to go. I know it would really bother him to know I was going to counseling and talking about him, but I feel like I need to talk to someone so I can figure out what I'm going to do.
I feel like I do want to leave him, but I'm not completely ready. The trick is trying to prevent another one of his rages until I figure out what I'm going to do. And then I read that over and I know I'm stalling. When will I ever be "ready" to walk out on the only life I've known for the past 13 years? It will never be easy. I just feel horribly guilty at the thought of disrupting the kids' lives so much. I often think of leaving him after the kids are all grown and out of the house, but that would be another 15 years or more, and so much could happen before then. I've brought up counseling several times and he always refuses, says he would rather get divorced than go to counseling. I think I should make an appointment for myself to go. I know it would really bother him to know I was going to counseling and talking about him, but I feel like I need to talk to someone so I can figure out what I'm going to do.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I spent my childhood walking on eggshells around my father's control issues and rages. I watched my mother deny reality every day and tell us what a lucky, happy family we were, even though in my gut I knew it wasn't true.
As an adult, I have struggled with trust, intimacy, and massive insecurity and self-doubt.. I have struggled with eating disorders and alcohol abuse. My first husband was an alcoholic and a control freak.
Your children know. And most children blame themselves first.
They and you deserve to feel safe.
As an adult, I have struggled with trust, intimacy, and massive insecurity and self-doubt.. I have struggled with eating disorders and alcohol abuse. My first husband was an alcoholic and a control freak.
Your children know. And most children blame themselves first.
They and you deserve to feel safe.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
The trick is trying to prevent another one of his rages until I figure out what I'm going to do.
The trick to that is, you're not actually CAUSING his rages, so nothing you do or don't do CAN prevent them. I got caught in that trap myself, thinking that if I tied myself in knots making everything perfect for him, he wouldn't have a reason to explode.
A book that I found helpful was "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." It helped me to untangle the mental knots that resulted from years of living with abuse. The rages aren't really about anger, they are part of a cycle with several identifiable stages- the "good times" are as much a part of that cycle as the explosions. Few things are more disruptive to kids than growing up in a home with substance abuse and domestic violence. I think that getting some counseling for yourself is an excellent idea.
The trick to that is, you're not actually CAUSING his rages, so nothing you do or don't do CAN prevent them. I got caught in that trap myself, thinking that if I tied myself in knots making everything perfect for him, he wouldn't have a reason to explode.
A book that I found helpful was "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." It helped me to untangle the mental knots that resulted from years of living with abuse. The rages aren't really about anger, they are part of a cycle with several identifiable stages- the "good times" are as much a part of that cycle as the explosions. Few things are more disruptive to kids than growing up in a home with substance abuse and domestic violence. I think that getting some counseling for yourself is an excellent idea.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Oh my heart breaks for you and your family.
I read your story and it is HORRIFIC, and you minimize it all, and I totally understand. We've ALL minimized what we've been through - and that's how we get through it at the moment....but at some point it changes and we have to see the reality and gravity of our situation. He is abusive. He just is. It is damaging you and will damage your kids if it hasn't already. But all hope is not lost - they are SO tough, and so are you.
You've been through some terrifying stuff, and it only gets worse. Please stay here and check in, I'm so glad you called the Domestic violence hotline, and reach out to your good friends and family - you have NOTHING to be ashamed or guilty about! Alanon meetings will help, as well as counseling for you. You made a HUGE step by posting here.
You have a long road ahead, but I have no doubts that angry hubs has messed with the wrong mama....and even if you are not ready to leave today, you just keep building your arsenal, strength, and soft landing in getting ready for when you are.
I read your story and it is HORRIFIC, and you minimize it all, and I totally understand. We've ALL minimized what we've been through - and that's how we get through it at the moment....but at some point it changes and we have to see the reality and gravity of our situation. He is abusive. He just is. It is damaging you and will damage your kids if it hasn't already. But all hope is not lost - they are SO tough, and so are you.
You've been through some terrifying stuff, and it only gets worse. Please stay here and check in, I'm so glad you called the Domestic violence hotline, and reach out to your good friends and family - you have NOTHING to be ashamed or guilty about! Alanon meetings will help, as well as counseling for you. You made a HUGE step by posting here.
You have a long road ahead, but I have no doubts that angry hubs has messed with the wrong mama....and even if you are not ready to leave today, you just keep building your arsenal, strength, and soft landing in getting ready for when you are.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Really glad to hear you called the Hotline. I recommend calling your local shelter, too, and talking with someone there. They can hook you up with support and resources that are local to you.
It also might be a good idea, even if you're sure you aren't ready yet to leave, to make an appointment for a consult with a lawyer. Knowledge is power, and it's good to know what some of your options would be when/if you are ready at some point to leave. There may be options short of divorce, for example--a legal separation may be possible.
It's critical that you understand that this has a HORRIBLE impact on your kids. Your three-year-old was scared, I'm sure, to witness the rage and fear in that room this morning.
Hugs, keep taking these steps to protect yourself and your family. Things will become clearer with time.
It also might be a good idea, even if you're sure you aren't ready yet to leave, to make an appointment for a consult with a lawyer. Knowledge is power, and it's good to know what some of your options would be when/if you are ready at some point to leave. There may be options short of divorce, for example--a legal separation may be possible.
It's critical that you understand that this has a HORRIBLE impact on your kids. Your three-year-old was scared, I'm sure, to witness the rage and fear in that room this morning.
Hugs, keep taking these steps to protect yourself and your family. Things will become clearer with time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 18
You guys are right that it could have a terrible impact on the kids. I felt horrible for our 3-year-old this morning. I think he was out of the room when my husband was throwing things around and coming toward me, but he came in just after that and he saw me crying. He kept asking if I was okay.
This was the first time any of the kids have been around when he got really mad at me, aside from that incident of throwing the trash can across the room several months ago. He often has a short temper with them, though, and can get in very irritable moods. He has no problem cussing a blue streak around them, which really bothers me.
It's depressing because I thought we were close to turning a corner. He really has made an effort to pursue some healthy habits in his life. He frequently says all the right things, all the stuff I want to hear. I think he has the potential to be a great person, to be a person I would want to be married to, but for whatever reason--his alcoholism, his dysfunctional childhood--he just isn't able to get there. And I don't want to be a martyr forced to live with all this. I definitely do not want my kids to be scarred by his behavior, or in any danger.
I keep wondering if there's any hope for him to change. The problem is that he refuses to go to counseling, and he doesn't acknowledge the severity of his behavior. So I guess I answered my own question.
This was the first time any of the kids have been around when he got really mad at me, aside from that incident of throwing the trash can across the room several months ago. He often has a short temper with them, though, and can get in very irritable moods. He has no problem cussing a blue streak around them, which really bothers me.
It's depressing because I thought we were close to turning a corner. He really has made an effort to pursue some healthy habits in his life. He frequently says all the right things, all the stuff I want to hear. I think he has the potential to be a great person, to be a person I would want to be married to, but for whatever reason--his alcoholism, his dysfunctional childhood--he just isn't able to get there. And I don't want to be a martyr forced to live with all this. I definitely do not want my kids to be scarred by his behavior, or in any danger.
I keep wondering if there's any hope for him to change. The problem is that he refuses to go to counseling, and he doesn't acknowledge the severity of his behavior. So I guess I answered my own question.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 193
Originally Posted by SeekingClarity1 
I keep wondering if there's any hope for him to change. The problem is that he refuses to go to counseling, and he doesn't acknowledge the severity of his behavior. So I guess I answered my own question.
He didn't pursue treatment until he was about to lose custody of the kids.
Sadly, I think neither action he took happened sooner because until then, he had too little to lose by not taking it. And by the time I took action, I frankly didn't care WHAT it caused him to do or not do - I was at a point where I realized I could not control him and my sole focus had to be what was best for me and the kids.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 5,700
I won't opine about whether or not it's possible for him to change, but the fact that on more than one occasion you have felt that there was the possibility of physical harm being bestowed on you and/or your children leads me to suggest that you follow the up thread advice and contact your local DV organization and take every other measure to ensure the safety of you and your children.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
One other thing you need to consider. Alcoholism and abuse are two SEPARATE issues. Most alcoholics do not abuse their loved ones. And many abusers have zero problem with substance abuse.
Your husband grew up in an abusive household. Most abusers think they are ENTITLED to control their partners and kids. Whether he learned it at home or not, it's a separate issue that needs to be addressed on its own. Just getting sober won't magically make him a good partner. Many abusers sober up and become more EFFECTIVE abusers.
So think of it as a double-whammy. Both issues would need to be addressed before you and your kids can have a truly safe life.
Your husband grew up in an abusive household. Most abusers think they are ENTITLED to control their partners and kids. Whether he learned it at home or not, it's a separate issue that needs to be addressed on its own. Just getting sober won't magically make him a good partner. Many abusers sober up and become more EFFECTIVE abusers.
So think of it as a double-whammy. Both issues would need to be addressed before you and your kids can have a truly safe life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 18
The thing that bothers me the most is that I don't see how I can feel safe around him now. After the incident a year ago, I thought as long as he wasn't drinking, he wouldn't ever become threatening toward me. I was able to feel safe again because he had stopped drinking every night at the house. Now I see that was just a fantasy. My worst fear through all this has come true, that it wasn't just a matter of the alcohol making him abusive--that he's just become an abusive person, even sober.
I want to tell him that I'm going to leave unless he gets counseling, or we go to counseling together. But now I don't see how I can even have that kind of conversation with him without feeling scared of how he's going to react. He could suddenly fly into another rage. I'm dreading him coming home tonight. My guess is he's going to act like he did the day after that incident last year--sulking and acting like I'VE somehow done something wrong that I need to apologize for.
My head is swirling right now. My kids have all come home from school, friends have contacted me about upcoming plans we have, everything is progressing on as usual, and in the back of my mind I'm thinking all of this might be swept away very soon and my entire life, and my kids' lives, might change forever. It's just so much to think about. But how can I possibly live in fear of my own husband?! I just can't.
I want to tell him that I'm going to leave unless he gets counseling, or we go to counseling together. But now I don't see how I can even have that kind of conversation with him without feeling scared of how he's going to react. He could suddenly fly into another rage. I'm dreading him coming home tonight. My guess is he's going to act like he did the day after that incident last year--sulking and acting like I'VE somehow done something wrong that I need to apologize for.
My head is swirling right now. My kids have all come home from school, friends have contacted me about upcoming plans we have, everything is progressing on as usual, and in the back of my mind I'm thinking all of this might be swept away very soon and my entire life, and my kids' lives, might change forever. It's just so much to think about. But how can I possibly live in fear of my own husband?! I just can't.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
