Please help. Don't know what to do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
SC you are being smart. As an ABUSER, which he is, you can bet he's tracking you. That software tracking each other's whereabouts is just plain creepy too. Who's idea was that? I could see you wanting it for your children who had phones but why in the world would you need it for your brother's whereabouts? Whose idea was that? Your husband sounds VERY dangerous- please be careful!
So Tired of this
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 23
I've been where you are. Went to a counselor and the first thing the said was, "Do you have guns in the house?" When I said yes, I was told I needed to leave and get me and my kids out of there. Seemed drastic and I never did what she said. Well, Because I stayed, he challenged our 16 year old son to a fist fight over homework! My son was doing homework, asked for help and he challenged him to a fist fight! Get out of your situation. Follow your gut. I finally got the courage and got divorced. Nobody's needs or deserves to live like that. My kids are both adults and Living with me while attending college.
Last edited by FarmGirl; 10-02-2016 at 01:59 PM. Reason: Typo
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 8
I've been there
I'm new here and although I've read quite a few stories I haven't commented on any. But I have this overwhelming feeling that I needed to comment on yours because my father is an alcoholic and your story reminds me so much of my childhood. My mother always says that the reason she stayed was because she thought it was what was best for us. I love my mother. She is my best friend. But I honestly believe she made a huge mistake by staying with my father. We witnessed everything. The fighting and arguing. My mothers desperate phone calls to friends or family. Even when he was in a "good" mood, we knew what was going on. We were young and we knew. He got progressively worse. He started to verbally abuse my brother. He was already abusing my mother in the exact way that you described in your story. I'm 32 and my brother is 29. He is riddled with mental health issues. He suffers from anxiety, depression and is a crack addict. I also suffer from anxiety and depression but have dealt with my issues with prescriptions and sometimes counciling. If you are considering leaving your husband, please do not wait until your children are out of school. As soon as you are emotionally ready to leave, LEAVE. Do not assume that disrupting your children's lives right now is the worst thing you could do to them. I also suffered greatly from witnessing the fallout of my parents relationship. I often feel if she had just left when we were young it wouldn't have been so difficult on us because we wouldn't have been as emotionally involved. I'm not saying that it wouldn't be hard, of course it would be devastating for the first little while. But we were kids and kids are resilient. But as adults, its so much harder for us to try to get over dad because everything is still the same. And when mom leaves dad (that's happened a couple of times but never sticks to it) we can't help but feel desperately guilty that Dad is alone. Because his alcoholism is such a big part of our regular lives, we can't help but feel guilt and pity for him. It breaks my heart. I've tried so hard to distance myself from my abusive father but I love my mother. I need her in my life. Sometimes it feels as though she would choose him over us. I mean, we've been through some heavy stuff in my lifetime but she still stays. Sometimes I feel resentful towards her because of my brother's and my own mental health issues and think if she had left him the first time he threw the photo album across the room that my brother wouldn't be addicted to crack and I wouldn't have to take Ativan to deal with my day to day life. Please don't let your children end up like us. If you feel like you want to leave your husband don't wait until your children are finished school. It may be too late for them, and for you too. I'm truly very upset for you. That you have to live that life. It's so exhausting and I would never wish it on my worst enemy. I'm praying for you and your children that you find the strength you need to get through this difficult time. I wish you all the best of luck.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 29
What an *******. Listen to what the shelter tells you. I would think you have enough in your stories to get him evicted from the residence on a protection order, then you can get some time to plan the next steps, whether you want to try to stay in the residence or can get the resources to get somewhere else. If you still have second thoughts that's normal, but one or two more times then you will be ready and wish you would have left last time. Beware some of these shelters are mandatory reporters and they may call child services, who may start an investigation and tip him off.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Believe me, shelter staff know better than to simply make a report without considering the client's own safety. Nothing that's been stated here would require a report to child services--particularly when the child's mother is actively seeking safety for all of them.
I appreciate your point, but it's not a realistic scenario and SC has enough to worry about without worrying about that.
I appreciate your point, but it's not a realistic scenario and SC has enough to worry about without worrying about that.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Believe me, shelter staff know better than to simply make a report without considering the client's own safety. Nothing that's been stated here would require a report to child services--particularly when the child's mother is actively seeking safety for all of them.
I appreciate your point, but it's not a realistic scenario and SC has enough to worry about without worrying about that.
I appreciate your point, but it's not a realistic scenario and SC has enough to worry about without worrying about that.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Every situation is different--you had a situation where the mother had previously stabbed you, which made her a more obviously lethal threat. But even with that, the professionals did work with you to protect everyone's safety.
I just wouldn't want someone hesitating to reach out to a shelter for fear of their instigating a CPS investigation. In my experience, that's a rare occurrence, but the point is that they still consider everyone's safety and work to protect everyone.
I just wouldn't want someone hesitating to reach out to a shelter for fear of their instigating a CPS investigation. In my experience, that's a rare occurrence, but the point is that they still consider everyone's safety and work to protect everyone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Ok people, kindly get back to being supportive of SeekingClarity. Please get a hold of your reflexes and emotions. Go take a walk. Go to a meeting. Call your sponsor, your therapist, whoever. Come back in a couple days when you are no longer getting "triggered" by this thread.
For the record, Child Protective Services will _never_ "tip off" an abuser. They will go to great lengths to protect the children. Between the staff at our parent company who handle _hundreds_ of websites, and us volunteers here on SoberRecovery, we have a great deal of experience in these matters.
Mike
Moderator, SR
For the record, Child Protective Services will _never_ "tip off" an abuser. They will go to great lengths to protect the children. Between the staff at our parent company who handle _hundreds_ of websites, and us volunteers here on SoberRecovery, we have a great deal of experience in these matters.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 48
SeekingClarity1 good luck with your meeting today. you can do this!! your doing the right thing for you and your babies.
please listen to what the shelter has to say and get yourself into counseling. you can do it hun!
please listen to what the shelter has to say and get yourself into counseling. you can do it hun!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 18
Thank you again to everyone. I've read and thought hard about every single one of your comments. I know your thoughts and prayers have made a difference and helped me get through this.
This is going to be very long but I'll tell you everything that has been happening....
Last weekend was kind of a rollercoaster. Half the time things were fine, everyone in the family seemed happy or content, and I would find myself thinking, "How could I split up our family? It would be so traumatic for everyone." Then my husband would lose his temper and snap at the kids, or do something that annoyed me, and I would think, "Wow, he is such a jerk and I need to get out of here ASAP."
I felt extremely ill every moment of every day. I lost 6 pounds in about 4 days because I had no appetite whatsoever. My stomach was churning, my heart was racing, my head was pounding, and I couldn't sleep. I was struggling to act normal but my husband noticed I looked really thin and upset. I tried to make up an excuse about having a stomach bug. I kept coming back to thinking, "I HAVE to leave him. There is no other option."
I spent most of the weekend making lists of things I wanted to bring with us when we left, and I began stashing things away in a secret place.
I met with the doemstic violence counselor yesterday morning. I told her all about everything that had happened and told her I wanted to leave him. She said what I was describing sounded just like how abuse starts and begins to escalate. She gave me information about the local shelter and a pro bono legal service I could contact for a divorce. She said I could try to get a protective order but there was a chance I wouldn't be able to get one since he hadn't actually threatened me or hit me. She asked me if I wanted her to contact the shelter and tell them I might be coming soon with the kids, and I said yes.
By the time I left the appointment, I had my plan: I would go talk to the lawyer the next day to get legal advice and get the divorce documents underway, then spend a couple of days secretly packing things up and taking care of some things like buying the kids fall clothes since I didn't know what our financial situation would be after we left. Then probably on Friday, I would see my husband off t o work like everything was fine. I would proceed to rush around the house packing everything up and stuffing as much as I could in my car. I would drive to the kids' schools and pick them up, saying we had a "family emergency." About that time, hopefully, someone would be presenting my husband with the divorce papers at work. By the time he read them, we would be in the shelter. We would stay there for at least a few days since the counselor said the first three days after leaving are the most dangerous.
Meanwhile, I would contact my husband's family to let them know what was going on and ask them to reach out to my husband. I would contact neighbors to ask them to keep an eye on the house. Then eventually, I would take the kids to my parents' house, enroll them in school up there, and try to figure out everything from there.
I was pretty much 100 percent committed to this plan.
My neighbor babysat my 3-year-old while I was at the appointment. I went to pick him up and decided to confide in my neighbor, since she's a good friend and very kind. She was so sweet and comforting. She asked me if I had tried talking to my husband about how I felt, but I said I was too scared to even bring it up because I didn't want to risk another outburst. She offered to invite us both to her house, and she and her husband could be there while we talked if it made me feel safer. Or she said I could just leave him and see if it was a wake-up call for him to change. But she was supportive of whatever I wanted to do. She said the kids and I were welcome to come stay at her house, but I said I thought we should be farther away in case my husband had a bad reaction to us leaving.
I left there wondering if I should give my husband another chance. I thought maybe I would go ahead with my plan to go to the shelter, but I would leave a note to my husband telling him exactly how I felt, saying he needed time to think, and if he didn't agree to go to counseling for his anger issues, I was fully prepared to leave for good. I thought maybe coming home to an empty house, sitting there all weekend realizing what it was like with everyone gone, might be that wake-up call he needed.
So that was my new plan. Then last night after the kids were in bed, I was in our room getting ready for bed when my husband came in. He asked me what was wrong and said I looked really upset about something. I felt beyond exhausted and sad. I couldn't pretend anymore. I suddenly knew I had to tell him everything then and there. I didn't feel afraid to talk to him because I was way too tired to get in a fight. I just wanted to tell him how I was feeling and I barely cared anymore how he was going to react.
I told him I had been having an extremely difficult few days because of his outburst, and that no matter how much he tried to minimize and downplay it, I had been very scared that day, and that was an enormous problem. I was extremely upset to realize that he could act that way when he was sober. I told him that I felt we could work on almost any other issue, but being afraid of my own husband was the ONE thing that was a complete dealbreaker for me. It was the one thing that I always knew I would have to end my marriage over.
He said he was confused because we had sex a couple of days ago, and I had seemed fine then. I admitted that I had only had sex with him because I didn't want him to know the truth: that I was planning to leave him.
He seemed shocked by all this. He said again that he realized he shouldn't have acted the way he did. But he insisted he would never hurt me. He again tried to turn it around on me, making it sound as if I was out of control myself, when in reality I hadn't even raised my voice before his whole outburst started. But no matter how much he kept trying to confuse the issue, I kept repeating, "Whatever I was doing or not doing is irrelevant. There is no justification for it." He agreed with me but said he "rarely" loses his temper. I said, "It doesn't matter how often it happens. Once is too often."
He said he's apologized many times for his outburst, and he doesn't know what else I want from him. I said, "It's not a matter of wanting you to apologize again. It's a matter of wondering what is going to change so this never happens again. You ARE going to get really upset again at some point. How do I know you're going to handle it any differently?" I asked him if he would be willing to take some kind of anger management course or go to counseling but he said no. I told him I was disappointed by that. He asked if I was going to leave him and I said I needed to think.
I went downstairs to pack the kids' lunches and after a few minutes he came down to do the dishes. He's been interested in Zen Buddhism for a while and lately had been talking about joining a temple and getting more involved with it. When he came down he said that maybe getting more involved with that could be something he could do, to learn better ways to handle stress. Since he stopped drinking so much he's also tried to get into yoga and meditation but he hadn't been doing either much lately, and we talked about how maybe he could take those up again.
We talked about the kids. I mentioned how much our 3-year-old seems to have been affected by witnessing his outburst, how he's seemed more anxious and clingy with me. Earlier in the day our 9-year-old son got mad at our daughter and suddenly threw a plastic cup in her direction, something he's never done before. Shortly before he got mad at his sister, I had found him trying to put more tape on the table my husband had broken. After talking to him, I learned that my husband had admitted to him that he had gotten angry and thrown it. So I told my husband that even though my 9-year-old wasn't there for that outburst, the idea of getting mad and throwing things was in his head when he got mad at his sister.
I said how we both need to model better ways of handling stress for our kids, and that I think our whole family will be calmer if we can be calm ourselves.
I didn't promise my husband I wouldn't leave him. I said he has no idea how close I was to leaving. He said, "Wouldn't you be lonely?" but I said safety is more important than anything else.
I finally slept through the night last night and was able to eat today. I'm not entirely sure how I feel. I know that my brain desperately wants to be happy again, to not feel physically sick every moment of the day, and so it's easy to grasp on to any sign of hope that things could change. My husband so far is not willing to get professional help. All I have to rely on is him saying that he's going to try to change.
As I told him, I am NOT going to wait until he hits me to leave. I am not going to let it get to that point (or at least I hope not to). So that makes it more difficult to judge whether he's keeping to his word about trying to change. I'm probably going to go ahead and meet with the legal service to find out all the logistics of splitting up. I'm going to keep my lists and my secret stash of things to take with me. I have one friend who knows what's going on that I know I can turn to. I have the phone number for the shelter in my wallet. As much as I want to believe that my husband is going to change, I know I have to be ready to leave now on a moment's notice. I know what I would do and where I would go. It seems more like a viable, although extremely difficult, option.
So that's where we stand. I think during all those years of heavy drinking, my husband was just avoiding dealing with a lot of anxiety and stress, using alcohol to numb everything. Now that the alcohol is gone, he's struggling to learn how to deal with his emotions. Maybe, by the grace of God, this will be a new beginning for us.
This is going to be very long but I'll tell you everything that has been happening....
Last weekend was kind of a rollercoaster. Half the time things were fine, everyone in the family seemed happy or content, and I would find myself thinking, "How could I split up our family? It would be so traumatic for everyone." Then my husband would lose his temper and snap at the kids, or do something that annoyed me, and I would think, "Wow, he is such a jerk and I need to get out of here ASAP."
I felt extremely ill every moment of every day. I lost 6 pounds in about 4 days because I had no appetite whatsoever. My stomach was churning, my heart was racing, my head was pounding, and I couldn't sleep. I was struggling to act normal but my husband noticed I looked really thin and upset. I tried to make up an excuse about having a stomach bug. I kept coming back to thinking, "I HAVE to leave him. There is no other option."
I spent most of the weekend making lists of things I wanted to bring with us when we left, and I began stashing things away in a secret place.
I met with the doemstic violence counselor yesterday morning. I told her all about everything that had happened and told her I wanted to leave him. She said what I was describing sounded just like how abuse starts and begins to escalate. She gave me information about the local shelter and a pro bono legal service I could contact for a divorce. She said I could try to get a protective order but there was a chance I wouldn't be able to get one since he hadn't actually threatened me or hit me. She asked me if I wanted her to contact the shelter and tell them I might be coming soon with the kids, and I said yes.
By the time I left the appointment, I had my plan: I would go talk to the lawyer the next day to get legal advice and get the divorce documents underway, then spend a couple of days secretly packing things up and taking care of some things like buying the kids fall clothes since I didn't know what our financial situation would be after we left. Then probably on Friday, I would see my husband off t o work like everything was fine. I would proceed to rush around the house packing everything up and stuffing as much as I could in my car. I would drive to the kids' schools and pick them up, saying we had a "family emergency." About that time, hopefully, someone would be presenting my husband with the divorce papers at work. By the time he read them, we would be in the shelter. We would stay there for at least a few days since the counselor said the first three days after leaving are the most dangerous.
Meanwhile, I would contact my husband's family to let them know what was going on and ask them to reach out to my husband. I would contact neighbors to ask them to keep an eye on the house. Then eventually, I would take the kids to my parents' house, enroll them in school up there, and try to figure out everything from there.
I was pretty much 100 percent committed to this plan.
My neighbor babysat my 3-year-old while I was at the appointment. I went to pick him up and decided to confide in my neighbor, since she's a good friend and very kind. She was so sweet and comforting. She asked me if I had tried talking to my husband about how I felt, but I said I was too scared to even bring it up because I didn't want to risk another outburst. She offered to invite us both to her house, and she and her husband could be there while we talked if it made me feel safer. Or she said I could just leave him and see if it was a wake-up call for him to change. But she was supportive of whatever I wanted to do. She said the kids and I were welcome to come stay at her house, but I said I thought we should be farther away in case my husband had a bad reaction to us leaving.
I left there wondering if I should give my husband another chance. I thought maybe I would go ahead with my plan to go to the shelter, but I would leave a note to my husband telling him exactly how I felt, saying he needed time to think, and if he didn't agree to go to counseling for his anger issues, I was fully prepared to leave for good. I thought maybe coming home to an empty house, sitting there all weekend realizing what it was like with everyone gone, might be that wake-up call he needed.
So that was my new plan. Then last night after the kids were in bed, I was in our room getting ready for bed when my husband came in. He asked me what was wrong and said I looked really upset about something. I felt beyond exhausted and sad. I couldn't pretend anymore. I suddenly knew I had to tell him everything then and there. I didn't feel afraid to talk to him because I was way too tired to get in a fight. I just wanted to tell him how I was feeling and I barely cared anymore how he was going to react.
I told him I had been having an extremely difficult few days because of his outburst, and that no matter how much he tried to minimize and downplay it, I had been very scared that day, and that was an enormous problem. I was extremely upset to realize that he could act that way when he was sober. I told him that I felt we could work on almost any other issue, but being afraid of my own husband was the ONE thing that was a complete dealbreaker for me. It was the one thing that I always knew I would have to end my marriage over.
He said he was confused because we had sex a couple of days ago, and I had seemed fine then. I admitted that I had only had sex with him because I didn't want him to know the truth: that I was planning to leave him.
He seemed shocked by all this. He said again that he realized he shouldn't have acted the way he did. But he insisted he would never hurt me. He again tried to turn it around on me, making it sound as if I was out of control myself, when in reality I hadn't even raised my voice before his whole outburst started. But no matter how much he kept trying to confuse the issue, I kept repeating, "Whatever I was doing or not doing is irrelevant. There is no justification for it." He agreed with me but said he "rarely" loses his temper. I said, "It doesn't matter how often it happens. Once is too often."
He said he's apologized many times for his outburst, and he doesn't know what else I want from him. I said, "It's not a matter of wanting you to apologize again. It's a matter of wondering what is going to change so this never happens again. You ARE going to get really upset again at some point. How do I know you're going to handle it any differently?" I asked him if he would be willing to take some kind of anger management course or go to counseling but he said no. I told him I was disappointed by that. He asked if I was going to leave him and I said I needed to think.
I went downstairs to pack the kids' lunches and after a few minutes he came down to do the dishes. He's been interested in Zen Buddhism for a while and lately had been talking about joining a temple and getting more involved with it. When he came down he said that maybe getting more involved with that could be something he could do, to learn better ways to handle stress. Since he stopped drinking so much he's also tried to get into yoga and meditation but he hadn't been doing either much lately, and we talked about how maybe he could take those up again.
We talked about the kids. I mentioned how much our 3-year-old seems to have been affected by witnessing his outburst, how he's seemed more anxious and clingy with me. Earlier in the day our 9-year-old son got mad at our daughter and suddenly threw a plastic cup in her direction, something he's never done before. Shortly before he got mad at his sister, I had found him trying to put more tape on the table my husband had broken. After talking to him, I learned that my husband had admitted to him that he had gotten angry and thrown it. So I told my husband that even though my 9-year-old wasn't there for that outburst, the idea of getting mad and throwing things was in his head when he got mad at his sister.
I said how we both need to model better ways of handling stress for our kids, and that I think our whole family will be calmer if we can be calm ourselves.
I didn't promise my husband I wouldn't leave him. I said he has no idea how close I was to leaving. He said, "Wouldn't you be lonely?" but I said safety is more important than anything else.
I finally slept through the night last night and was able to eat today. I'm not entirely sure how I feel. I know that my brain desperately wants to be happy again, to not feel physically sick every moment of the day, and so it's easy to grasp on to any sign of hope that things could change. My husband so far is not willing to get professional help. All I have to rely on is him saying that he's going to try to change.
As I told him, I am NOT going to wait until he hits me to leave. I am not going to let it get to that point (or at least I hope not to). So that makes it more difficult to judge whether he's keeping to his word about trying to change. I'm probably going to go ahead and meet with the legal service to find out all the logistics of splitting up. I'm going to keep my lists and my secret stash of things to take with me. I have one friend who knows what's going on that I know I can turn to. I have the phone number for the shelter in my wallet. As much as I want to believe that my husband is going to change, I know I have to be ready to leave now on a moment's notice. I know what I would do and where I would go. It seems more like a viable, although extremely difficult, option.
So that's where we stand. I think during all those years of heavy drinking, my husband was just avoiding dealing with a lot of anxiety and stress, using alcohol to numb everything. Now that the alcohol is gone, he's struggling to learn how to deal with his emotions. Maybe, by the grace of God, this will be a new beginning for us.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Wow, you went through a lot the past few days.
You got some good information, and I would stick with your plan of getting all the pieces in place. I seriously doubt this is a real epiphany for him and that he will change--not at this point, anyway.
I think leaving for right now would be the best plan, but I don't want to discourage you from continuing to prepare to leave if you decide to see how things pan out over the next few days/weeks. Think about how you can stay safer (keeping your cell phone with you, for instance). If you are scared the way you were last time, do not hesitate to call the police. At that point, you can put the rest of the preparations in motion.
Hugs, I think you're doing great stuff. I know how hard this must be.
You got some good information, and I would stick with your plan of getting all the pieces in place. I seriously doubt this is a real epiphany for him and that he will change--not at this point, anyway.
I think leaving for right now would be the best plan, but I don't want to discourage you from continuing to prepare to leave if you decide to see how things pan out over the next few days/weeks. Think about how you can stay safer (keeping your cell phone with you, for instance). If you are scared the way you were last time, do not hesitate to call the police. At that point, you can put the rest of the preparations in motion.
Hugs, I think you're doing great stuff. I know how hard this must be.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Thanks for the update, SC... wow. I wonder why he is so adamantly against getting any professional help? He sure has a knack to minimize things. Are you using your home computer to give an update and being open and not hide fearing his retribution? Even if he becomes instantly nicey-nice for awhile, if you find yourself still walking on eggshells around him and tiptoeing as to not set a bomb off, that's still no way to live. He needs to own up to what's he created for your environment (and the KIDS'!) and sadly I'm not seeing it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Seeking, I hope this is the turning point you want it to be. I really do.
That said, he has refused professional help. In my experience, that does not bode well for his long-term recovery from whatever issues he has. Because of course, his abusive behavior is not, and never was, about the drinking. Refusing any kind of professional help in the face of his wife and children leaving is a HUGE red flag to me.
I would also strongly discourage you from using your neighbor as a mediator and trying to talk to your husband while she and HER husband are present. Presumably they have zero training in these kinds of things, and I suspect she is seriously underestimating the severity of what is going on. Perhaps she has her own co-dependent issues, wanting to fix this for someone else. Frankly, approaching the situation in that way when your husband is flat-out refusing professional help is a recipe for violence and disaster that would stretch into HER family as well.
I see very little here to indicate that you should back off from your preparations to get out. PLEASE don't let your guard down. PLEASE make every effort to look at his BEHAVIOR and not his words. You have now sent him the message that vague promises of Buddhism and "getting better" on his own without ANY professional help is enough to keep you and the kids under his thumb.
Very, very few people get better without some kind of help. I hope your husband is the exception, but I also hope that for your own sake and your kids' sake (please PLEASE don't EVER lose sight of what every second of this environment is doing to them) you get out right away at the slightest indication that he's all talk and no action.
That said, he has refused professional help. In my experience, that does not bode well for his long-term recovery from whatever issues he has. Because of course, his abusive behavior is not, and never was, about the drinking. Refusing any kind of professional help in the face of his wife and children leaving is a HUGE red flag to me.
I would also strongly discourage you from using your neighbor as a mediator and trying to talk to your husband while she and HER husband are present. Presumably they have zero training in these kinds of things, and I suspect she is seriously underestimating the severity of what is going on. Perhaps she has her own co-dependent issues, wanting to fix this for someone else. Frankly, approaching the situation in that way when your husband is flat-out refusing professional help is a recipe for violence and disaster that would stretch into HER family as well.
I see very little here to indicate that you should back off from your preparations to get out. PLEASE don't let your guard down. PLEASE make every effort to look at his BEHAVIOR and not his words. You have now sent him the message that vague promises of Buddhism and "getting better" on his own without ANY professional help is enough to keep you and the kids under his thumb.
Very, very few people get better without some kind of help. I hope your husband is the exception, but I also hope that for your own sake and your kids' sake (please PLEASE don't EVER lose sight of what every second of this environment is doing to them) you get out right away at the slightest indication that he's all talk and no action.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I agree one hundred percent with Wisconsin's advice to leave the neighbor out of it. In fact, I would ask her to say NOTHING about your conversation. He would probably blow up at the thought that you would talk about any of this to a neighbor. If she can't keep your confidence in this way, stop confiding in her. Confide only in people who understand your situation and the danger you are in.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
My ex once agreed to attend an anger management program at the VA. I had really high hopes for that. But I didn't understand at the time that his "angry" outbursts weren't really about anger or losing his temper. That behavior is about a sense of entitlement and maintaining control.
He felt entitled to behave the way he did, and he really had no reason to want to change. His behavior got him everything he wanted. Every argument went his way, every decision was ultimately his to make. The whole family learned to tiptoe around and try to keep him happy and cater to his needs.
I was at the grocery store once and had a panic attack in the salad dressing aisle. He liked Italian dressing, or so he said, but I never quite managed to find one that had all the perfect dressing-y attributes in balance and harmony. Brand A was too spicy, B was too chunky, C was too oily, etc. It was toward the end of our relationship so I had tried literally every brand in the grocery store and none of them were quite right. So I was standing there, basically paralyzed by fear knowing that any choice I made was going to be wrong and would give him a "reason" to blow up at me.
Someone posted a link to this article a few years ago, and reading it was an "aha" moment for me.
Sick Systems: How to Keep Someone With You Forever | Issendai.com
I think I already recommended the Lundy Bancroft book. I think it will help you find clarity. He does a really good job of explaining these dynamics that are so confusing when you're living with them day to day and just trying to survive.
He felt entitled to behave the way he did, and he really had no reason to want to change. His behavior got him everything he wanted. Every argument went his way, every decision was ultimately his to make. The whole family learned to tiptoe around and try to keep him happy and cater to his needs.
I was at the grocery store once and had a panic attack in the salad dressing aisle. He liked Italian dressing, or so he said, but I never quite managed to find one that had all the perfect dressing-y attributes in balance and harmony. Brand A was too spicy, B was too chunky, C was too oily, etc. It was toward the end of our relationship so I had tried literally every brand in the grocery store and none of them were quite right. So I was standing there, basically paralyzed by fear knowing that any choice I made was going to be wrong and would give him a "reason" to blow up at me.
Someone posted a link to this article a few years ago, and reading it was an "aha" moment for me.
Sick Systems: How to Keep Someone With You Forever | Issendai.com
I think I already recommended the Lundy Bancroft book. I think it will help you find clarity. He does a really good job of explaining these dynamics that are so confusing when you're living with them day to day and just trying to survive.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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I'm glad you have a plan and hope you keep the appointment with the legal service. You can't have too much information right now!!
Also, here are some reminders....because we are very, VERY good about NOT living in the moment or at seeing things for what they are:
The alcohol isn't really gone, is it? He just isn't drinking at home.
This is all well and good, but I hope you pay attention to his ACTIONS, not his words. Convicted abusers are not sentenced to church or yoga to be cured. They go to anger management and counseling....and if they really want to get better, the addicted ones STOP abusing substances.
Have they really been apologies with changed behavior? Or were they veiled apologies that included subtle or not so subtle blame of you, and hugely minimizing statements? People who want to change are humble, apologetic and try to make it right.
Hang in there - the whole situation is scary. Change is scary. Divorce is scary. And NONE of it is easy....but you and the kids deserve a home that is harmonious, peaceful, and had open communication where nobody is scared or oppressed.
Peace and (((HUGS))) to you! Keep posting as you need - we're always here, no matter what!
Also, here are some reminders....because we are very, VERY good about NOT living in the moment or at seeing things for what they are:
Now that the alcohol is gone, he's struggling to learn how to deal with his emotions.
When he came down he said that maybe getting more involved with that could be something he could do, to learn better ways to handle stress. Since he stopped drinking so much he's also tried to get into yoga and meditation but he hadn't been doing either much lately, and we talked about how maybe he could take those up again.
He said he's apologized many times for his outburst, and he doesn't know what else I want from him.
Hang in there - the whole situation is scary. Change is scary. Divorce is scary. And NONE of it is easy....but you and the kids deserve a home that is harmonious, peaceful, and had open communication where nobody is scared or oppressed.
Peace and (((HUGS))) to you! Keep posting as you need - we're always here, no matter what!
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