I have made a huge mistake.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Hey, I read the post and for your current situation: he sound like piece of sh@t. He is not in recovery if he thinks you let him down! Be very careful he lied, drove your kids around while drunk, was completely irresponsible (not taking of the kids nor working). He was no support to you and now he blames you for what!??!! BE VERY CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR. he is not cured or on way to recovery with his attitude. You let him back and he will do even worst to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
Omg it makes me really mad what he told you. Please, tell him that fine, go your way and see what will happen. Either he will recover (in that case he can come and APOLOGIZE) to you or he will relapse again (I would say this is higher chance). PLEASE DON'T MAKE DECISIONS NOW, DON'T BEG HIM AND WAIT. I'm sure it's hard and it makes me so angry as we all went through similar manipulation , but please wait and cut the contact for now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 137
I would like to thank each and every one of you for your messages whilst I was having my melt down yesterday - it really did help and some even made me chuckle which I haven't done for a while. When he phoned me those 2 months ago to say that he had found his higher power and was now with people who understood him and were helping him I felt so awful about should I have done more. Then he text me a photo of some pages in the big book about how if someone was diagnosed with cancer that everyone felt sorry for them and tried to help but not so with the alcoholic who is also suffering from a disease. That really struck a chord with me as my dad was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer in Feb with 6 months to live (thankfully he is on a clinical trial now and is still with us). When I look back, that diagnosis was devastating for all my family and took a lot to get my head around it. However, the months following my focus was still on AP - it has really messed with my head.
At the end of July I could feel myself drowning. I went to the doctors and was put on antidepressants. A friend of mine recommended a therapist and I started seeing him three weeks ago. The first two sessions were more of a 'getting to know' me and the situation and last week we started working on some CBT. One of my tasks this week was to stop googling about alcoholism whilst I am at work, when I find myself doing it, to get up out of my office and do something else. Clearly this is not working as here I am but I will leave the office after I have typed this. I did google 'gaslighting' at atalose recommendation and that was an eye opener. All those years of subtle comments 'what are you talking about? Have you listened to yourself? You're making it up! You're going mad! I haven't been drinking! You're the one with the problem! Look at everything I have done around the house' I used to say I would live in a slum with him as long as he was sober and happy.
Last night, I had to take eldest to football then went to see a friend and had another little cry and a glass of wine! (I am not good in my own company at the minute). When I got into bed, I realised that he hadn't even rung to see how I was when he clearly knew how upset I had been. Then this morning I got a call. I didn't pick up. Then i had a text message: 'hope you're ok. I don't like to think of you upset' I haven't responded. I don't know what to respond. I don't know what I think anymore and am going around in circles. I want to cling on, I want him to cuddle me and tell me everything is going to be alright like he used to. Then I want to man up and tell him how dare he just cast me aside like the last 15 years meant nothing and how he has to 'forget the past' as nothing can be done about it and how he has to focus on his future.
Some weeks back I read on a thread here about a book called 'co-dependent no more' I ordered it and started reading it but it has just made me think I should have gone about everything a different way as many of the stories seemed to be about people who changed their behaviours whilst in the relationship to a successful outcome. I have thrown away that chance.
Even while I am typing this I want to bang my head against a wall. I don't know this person I have become. I used to be a strong woman. Successful career (which he says I wouldn't have had unless it was for him supporting me), 2 beautiful boys, a lovely house (which he put 15 years of blood, sweat and toil into) and independent. I do not recognise myself anymore and am struggling to see any light at the end of the tunnel. I have thought about alanon... there are two meetings a week in my area but I figured that it would be for people who are currently living with an alcoholic and as I haven't been for nearly a year, I didn't know if it would be appropriate. A whole year!!! I should be moving forward like he is, not sliding backward!
Friends say time will heal and I truly hope so as this is a living hell. Thank you again everyone.
At the end of July I could feel myself drowning. I went to the doctors and was put on antidepressants. A friend of mine recommended a therapist and I started seeing him three weeks ago. The first two sessions were more of a 'getting to know' me and the situation and last week we started working on some CBT. One of my tasks this week was to stop googling about alcoholism whilst I am at work, when I find myself doing it, to get up out of my office and do something else. Clearly this is not working as here I am but I will leave the office after I have typed this. I did google 'gaslighting' at atalose recommendation and that was an eye opener. All those years of subtle comments 'what are you talking about? Have you listened to yourself? You're making it up! You're going mad! I haven't been drinking! You're the one with the problem! Look at everything I have done around the house' I used to say I would live in a slum with him as long as he was sober and happy.
Last night, I had to take eldest to football then went to see a friend and had another little cry and a glass of wine! (I am not good in my own company at the minute). When I got into bed, I realised that he hadn't even rung to see how I was when he clearly knew how upset I had been. Then this morning I got a call. I didn't pick up. Then i had a text message: 'hope you're ok. I don't like to think of you upset' I haven't responded. I don't know what to respond. I don't know what I think anymore and am going around in circles. I want to cling on, I want him to cuddle me and tell me everything is going to be alright like he used to. Then I want to man up and tell him how dare he just cast me aside like the last 15 years meant nothing and how he has to 'forget the past' as nothing can be done about it and how he has to focus on his future.
Some weeks back I read on a thread here about a book called 'co-dependent no more' I ordered it and started reading it but it has just made me think I should have gone about everything a different way as many of the stories seemed to be about people who changed their behaviours whilst in the relationship to a successful outcome. I have thrown away that chance.
Even while I am typing this I want to bang my head against a wall. I don't know this person I have become. I used to be a strong woman. Successful career (which he says I wouldn't have had unless it was for him supporting me), 2 beautiful boys, a lovely house (which he put 15 years of blood, sweat and toil into) and independent. I do not recognise myself anymore and am struggling to see any light at the end of the tunnel. I have thought about alanon... there are two meetings a week in my area but I figured that it would be for people who are currently living with an alcoholic and as I haven't been for nearly a year, I didn't know if it would be appropriate. A whole year!!! I should be moving forward like he is, not sliding backward!
Friends say time will heal and I truly hope so as this is a living hell. Thank you again everyone.
I can think of a few choice pages from the Big Book you could send back his way.
But not responding is better. Texting him a short message that says you need to be out of contact for a while is probably the best route--if you can do it calmly and without feeling like you have to argue to defend it. It just is.
Once you have some time to see clearly, and with some help from counseling and maybe Alanon (and the codependent no more book is amazing)...what you'll learn is that you're allowed to love yourself MORE than you're loving him...and that you actually HAVE TO in order to survive and thrive. It's really a beautiful thing to shift the focus to YOU.
I hope you're able to stay strong and not cave to his continued manipulations. Something that helped me--
You're used to thinking that this person loves and cares about you above all else, that they know you deeply and want the best for you. That makes it very hard to distinguish reality when their words confuse or hurt you. You assume their words are true and come from love. You need to start assuming that everything he says, ESPECIALLY anything about who you are or how you should act or feel, is simply a lie. Untrue.
It's hard to start, but it can work wonders. You're still allowing him to define you. Why would you let a known liar who can't control his own life tell you who you are?
(I've been there, this isn't judgment at all. Just food for thought. You can do this!)
But not responding is better. Texting him a short message that says you need to be out of contact for a while is probably the best route--if you can do it calmly and without feeling like you have to argue to defend it. It just is.
Once you have some time to see clearly, and with some help from counseling and maybe Alanon (and the codependent no more book is amazing)...what you'll learn is that you're allowed to love yourself MORE than you're loving him...and that you actually HAVE TO in order to survive and thrive. It's really a beautiful thing to shift the focus to YOU.
I hope you're able to stay strong and not cave to his continued manipulations. Something that helped me--
You're used to thinking that this person loves and cares about you above all else, that they know you deeply and want the best for you. That makes it very hard to distinguish reality when their words confuse or hurt you. You assume their words are true and come from love. You need to start assuming that everything he says, ESPECIALLY anything about who you are or how you should act or feel, is simply a lie. Untrue.
It's hard to start, but it can work wonders. You're still allowing him to define you. Why would you let a known liar who can't control his own life tell you who you are?
(I've been there, this isn't judgment at all. Just food for thought. You can do this!)
Hi DS, recovered A here. It sounds like you ABF is only just starting on his recovery journey. Admittedly his brain will be scrambled right now because it takes time for it to get back to normal.
If you stop and think calmly you can see he's got everything back the front. He should be asking your forgiveness but he's at a stage where he needs to blame everyone but himself.
Hold on to the thought that if you hadn't kicked him out he'd almost certainly not have seriously tried to get sober. You have to protect your children no matter how much he sees that from a selfish POV.
You are still a strong successful woman, albeit one who has been under enormous strain. Let him continue on his journey, while you concentrate on yourself and the children. Enjoy the freedom from the daily stress of living with him and try to do some fun things with the children.
You might want to read some of the posts from posters checking in after a period away from their A, on how much their lives have improved.
If you stop and think calmly you can see he's got everything back the front. He should be asking your forgiveness but he's at a stage where he needs to blame everyone but himself.
Hold on to the thought that if you hadn't kicked him out he'd almost certainly not have seriously tried to get sober. You have to protect your children no matter how much he sees that from a selfish POV.
You are still a strong successful woman, albeit one who has been under enormous strain. Let him continue on his journey, while you concentrate on yourself and the children. Enjoy the freedom from the daily stress of living with him and try to do some fun things with the children.
You might want to read some of the posts from posters checking in after a period away from their A, on how much their lives have improved.
Quick note, dailystruggle1: there is a "stickie" at the top of the main menu about Al-Anon. It leads to a podcast about the Al-Anon groups. Not pushin' Al_Anon, tho I believe it can help anyone in an enabling relationship. It's good that you are talking to a therapist. That too is very helpful.
dailystruggle...you can lose yourself. living with an active alcoholic....
In t ime, you will come to realize that you did the right thing.
It sounds, to me, like he is on the "pink cloud" of early recovery....
When you begin to look through the world through your own eyes--your own truth---you will be amazed how everything begins to look different.....
For starters--remember that you do not have to JADE with him///
J-justify A-argue D-defend E-explain your thoughts, or feelings, or actions to him!!
He is responsible for what he says or does...NOT YOU.....
In t ime, you will come to realize that you did the right thing.
It sounds, to me, like he is on the "pink cloud" of early recovery....
When you begin to look through the world through your own eyes--your own truth---you will be amazed how everything begins to look different.....
For starters--remember that you do not have to JADE with him///
J-justify A-argue D-defend E-explain your thoughts, or feelings, or actions to him!!
He is responsible for what he says or does...NOT YOU.....
boy, that sure is a LOt of insanity you've put up with.
PLEASE take these peoples advise FOR YOU.
as for him, hopefully some day his Higher Power helps him hear the distinct popping sound of his head comin out of his arse, he gets some q tips and cleans the crap out of his ears, and starts listening to what THE program of AA is.
then maybe he can truly work THE program and not his.
PLEASE take these peoples advise FOR YOU.
as for him, hopefully some day his Higher Power helps him hear the distinct popping sound of his head comin out of his arse, he gets some q tips and cleans the crap out of his ears, and starts listening to what THE program of AA is.
then maybe he can truly work THE program and not his.
"hopefully some day his Higher Power helps him hear the distinct popping sound of his head comin out of his arse, he gets some q tips and cleans the crap out of his ears, and starts listening to what THE program of AA is."
tomsteve - I just laughed out loud at work.... This goes for my AH also.....
tomsteve - I just laughed out loud at work.... This goes for my AH also.....
dailystruggle.....I just re-read your post....and I just have to make another comment...lol....
I noticed where he said..."are you o.k.? I hate to think of y ou upset".
WHAT A STATEMENT!
It sounds like he has the insight of a fruit fly.
You could have said: "Yes, I am upset that I was blind enough to live for 15yrs. with a drunk....and drug my kids through that hell. But--not to worry...because I am now on the journey of MY own recovery, Mr. Arrogance. Save your concern...I haven't got time for this crap any longer."
I noticed where he said..."are you o.k.? I hate to think of y ou upset".
WHAT A STATEMENT!
It sounds like he has the insight of a fruit fly.
You could have said: "Yes, I am upset that I was blind enough to live for 15yrs. with a drunk....and drug my kids through that hell. But--not to worry...because I am now on the journey of MY own recovery, Mr. Arrogance. Save your concern...I haven't got time for this crap any longer."
Oh man.... I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Nothing else to add that hasn't already been said... but I definitely get how difficult it is to see things clearly when you have been dealing with the craziness that the A brings to your life for so long.
I 'm glad you're here and I hope you stick around!
Big hugs to you!!!
Nothing else to add that hasn't already been said... but I definitely get how difficult it is to see things clearly when you have been dealing with the craziness that the A brings to your life for so long.
I 'm glad you're here and I hope you stick around!
Big hugs to you!!!
"hopefully some day his Higher Power helps him hear the distinct popping sound of his head comin out of his arse, he gets some q tips and cleans the crap out of his ears, and starts listening to what THE program of AA is."
tomsteve - I just laughed out loud at work.... This goes for my AH also.....
tomsteve - I just laughed out loud at work.... This goes for my AH also.....
its not original to me,though. my sponsor buggered me up when he said," some day youll hear the distinct poppin sound of yer head comin out of yer arse. until then ill keep using my crowbar to try and make it happen. then Ill show ya how to use qtips."
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