Needing support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 27
Needing support
I left ah nearly 2 years ago, he sees the kids lots, tho drinks around them, i have zero proof, he helps with money and we get on fine. But He's just so 2 faced, he lies to others, he nice to me but mean behind my back, he hates me, he will never admit I left because of the drink, I'm just a bitch who left, everyone feels sorry for him, but they don't know the drunk him.
I don't talk to anyone about it, I'm getting bad anxiety over thinking
I hate it, separation is hard.
It real hard, I have my family support but I don't want to burden them as I feel I should just get over it. I think anxiety is holding on to the past.
I don't talk to anyone about it, I'm getting bad anxiety over thinking
I hate it, separation is hard.
It real hard, I have my family support but I don't want to burden them as I feel I should just get over it. I think anxiety is holding on to the past.
So Tired of this
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 23
You know why you left and that's all that matters. You don't owe anyone an explanation. This is your life now. Live it and forget about what anyone else is thinking as it doesn't matter. Free yourself from the confines of what others think. Take care.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome. You say he "drinks around the kids" but you have "zero proof." What brings you to the conclusion that he drinks around the kids?
Is there a reason, given the way he's treating you currently, not to move on with divorce? That would at least give a measure of finality, and you can move on with your life.
It really doesn't matter what he says to anyone else. Many people with failed relationships will spin it in a way that makes the other party the "bad guy." If you wait for him to agree that it was his behavior that caused the split, you will be stewing and angry for a very, very long time.
If I were you, I'd be talking to a lawyer and looking for an Al-Anon meeting.
Is there a reason, given the way he's treating you currently, not to move on with divorce? That would at least give a measure of finality, and you can move on with your life.
It really doesn't matter what he says to anyone else. Many people with failed relationships will spin it in a way that makes the other party the "bad guy." If you wait for him to agree that it was his behavior that caused the split, you will be stewing and angry for a very, very long time.
If I were you, I'd be talking to a lawyer and looking for an Al-Anon meeting.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Hi Helly, Well done to you for leaving and seeking support.
I used to feel like you do after I left my xAH after 27 years - that was 5 years ago. In that time I have noticed that the truth can't be hidden for ever. Those people who thought he was great have slowly come to see the light. The woman he moved in with after me and her mother who believed him have had to actually move to a different country from him! I have had 'friends' of his secretly write to me and tell me of the horrible things he has said about them and how hurt they are. The truth I think is that they hate themselves. The way we feel is a symptom and wont last forever. You care because you are in touch with your feelings and once you have grieved you will feel better. You wont feel this bad forever . The effects of living with alcoholism should not be underestimated - last year I tried to shrug it off and went to Vegas for a week - I nearly had a nervous breakdown. Take the effects, anxiety and depression seriously. Take all the help you can get from Al anon and a sponsor. The quicker you treat yourself as a survivor of such profound pain the quicker you come out the other side.
I used to feel like you do after I left my xAH after 27 years - that was 5 years ago. In that time I have noticed that the truth can't be hidden for ever. Those people who thought he was great have slowly come to see the light. The woman he moved in with after me and her mother who believed him have had to actually move to a different country from him! I have had 'friends' of his secretly write to me and tell me of the horrible things he has said about them and how hurt they are. The truth I think is that they hate themselves. The way we feel is a symptom and wont last forever. You care because you are in touch with your feelings and once you have grieved you will feel better. You wont feel this bad forever . The effects of living with alcoholism should not be underestimated - last year I tried to shrug it off and went to Vegas for a week - I nearly had a nervous breakdown. Take the effects, anxiety and depression seriously. Take all the help you can get from Al anon and a sponsor. The quicker you treat yourself as a survivor of such profound pain the quicker you come out the other side.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I understand. My XAH would never admit that i left because of the drinking. There was more to it than that, even, but the drinking was the icing on the cake and the propelling factor that got me to move on and move out and file for divorce.
I stopped caring about what my XAH said to others. The hardest thing is when he fills our son's head with lies about me. I've had to turn that over to God and let my son decide for himself as to who is telling the truth and as to who does or doesn't have his best interest at heart. My son is a teenager and will tell me that his dad has been drinking. Currently, my son is trying to take care of his father and his drunken messes and that saddens me but I've learned that I can only do so much. I have to turn everything over to my Higher Power. I have to let go and let God and that has been the best lesson I've ever learned in program....EVER!
I stopped caring about what my XAH said to others. The hardest thing is when he fills our son's head with lies about me. I've had to turn that over to God and let my son decide for himself as to who is telling the truth and as to who does or doesn't have his best interest at heart. My son is a teenager and will tell me that his dad has been drinking. Currently, my son is trying to take care of his father and his drunken messes and that saddens me but I've learned that I can only do so much. I have to turn everything over to my Higher Power. I have to let go and let God and that has been the best lesson I've ever learned in program....EVER!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 27
Thank you so much for your input everyone, means so much.
Maybe alanon is a good idea, I just am up and down with my feelings, it's just hard sometimes.
I wish I could just move on I really do, I guess I need to keep reminding myself how far I've come in 2 years and putting trust in higher power to take care of stuff I can't
Thank you
X
Maybe alanon is a good idea, I just am up and down with my feelings, it's just hard sometimes.
I wish I could just move on I really do, I guess I need to keep reminding myself how far I've come in 2 years and putting trust in higher power to take care of stuff I can't
Thank you
X
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd strongly suggest, if you haven't already done so, that you talk to a lawyer about your options in a divorce. Not that you have to do anything immediately, but gathering information about how that would likely shake out might take some of the fear and mystery out of it.
Al-Anon can be helpful for getting yourself unstuck, but the legal info is valuable to have so you can make a rational decision when you're ready to do that.
Al-Anon can be helpful for getting yourself unstuck, but the legal info is valuable to have so you can make a rational decision when you're ready to do that.
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