Moving on
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: north royalton
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Moving on
Hi all! I have been away from my ex alcoholic fiance for 3 years. He has obviously tried to come back into my life a numerous amount of times. Anyways. I am now in a healthy and great relationship going on over a year. He is everything I've ever wanted in a man and he isn't a drinker!!!!! Anyways, once in awhile he will drink when he golf's or bowls and when I know he's drinking it bothers me. I can see the "buzzed " look in his eyes, and then the way he passing out early. All relating to my past experience. I can't help but to get frustrated and upset. I know he is not a alcoholic by any means he drinks maybe once a month. But from what I went thru with my ex I just have this hatred towards alcohol abd my loved ones. We get into fights about it mostly me causing the fight. He understands what I went thru but he wasn't living it to really understand. How can I help my self to not get angry and upset and is this a normal feeling??
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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It is still a normal feeling for me, and I'm nearly nine years out of my relationship with XABF, married for six years to a wonderful man without addiction issues.
I think all you can do is recognize that Other People Drink Sometimes, and while it would be great if the ones we care about wouldn't so that we could be comfortable, that isn't really a reasonable expectation in a relationship with someone who has no issues with drinking. Accepting that your boyfriend is an adult who can make his own choices that have nothing to do with you and your past is a good first step, but it is also perfectly fair for you to be elsewhere when he chooses to drink. When my husband (very, very occasionally) has too many and I am reminded of countless lonely evenings in the company of my drunk ex, or the ridiculous number of circular conversations I had with my drunk mom, I just go home or go to bed. He's allowed to have a good time however he chooses, but I don't need to be there for it.
I think all you can do is recognize that Other People Drink Sometimes, and while it would be great if the ones we care about wouldn't so that we could be comfortable, that isn't really a reasonable expectation in a relationship with someone who has no issues with drinking. Accepting that your boyfriend is an adult who can make his own choices that have nothing to do with you and your past is a good first step, but it is also perfectly fair for you to be elsewhere when he chooses to drink. When my husband (very, very occasionally) has too many and I am reminded of countless lonely evenings in the company of my drunk ex, or the ridiculous number of circular conversations I had with my drunk mom, I just go home or go to bed. He's allowed to have a good time however he chooses, but I don't need to be there for it.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
It is still a normal feeling for me, and I'm nearly nine years out of my relationship with XABF, married for six years to a wonderful man without addiction issues.
I think all you can do is recognize that Other People Drink Sometimes, and while it would be great if the ones we care about wouldn't so that we could be comfortable, that isn't really a reasonable expectation in a relationship with someone who has no issues with drinking. Accepting that your boyfriend is an adult who can make his own choices that have nothing to do with you and your past is a good first step, but it is also perfectly fair for you to be elsewhere when he chooses to drink. When my husband (very, very occasionally) has too many and I am reminded of countless lonely evenings in the company of my drunk ex, or the ridiculous number of circular conversations I had with my drunk mom, I just go home or go to bed. He's allowed to have a good time however he chooses, but I don't need to be there for it.
I think all you can do is recognize that Other People Drink Sometimes, and while it would be great if the ones we care about wouldn't so that we could be comfortable, that isn't really a reasonable expectation in a relationship with someone who has no issues with drinking. Accepting that your boyfriend is an adult who can make his own choices that have nothing to do with you and your past is a good first step, but it is also perfectly fair for you to be elsewhere when he chooses to drink. When my husband (very, very occasionally) has too many and I am reminded of countless lonely evenings in the company of my drunk ex, or the ridiculous number of circular conversations I had with my drunk mom, I just go home or go to bed. He's allowed to have a good time however he chooses, but I don't need to be there for it.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I am usually with my husband when he drinks too much, but telling him you want some time to yourself should not cause a fight if you both respect each other. What would happen if you told him, when he was sober, to let you know in advance when he plans a night of drinking, so that you can both make arrangements to spend that evening on your own? It's a good opportunity for you to see your other friends or family.
The point is to let go of trying to control his behavior, in order to take care of yourself. He should be able to understand that, and if he can't, you need to ask yourself if this relationship is really as great as it seems.
In the meantime, what are you doing to help yourself move past these feelings of anger over others' drinking?
The point is to let go of trying to control his behavior, in order to take care of yourself. He should be able to understand that, and if he can't, you need to ask yourself if this relationship is really as great as it seems.
In the meantime, what are you doing to help yourself move past these feelings of anger over others' drinking?
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I am usually with my husband when he drinks too much, but telling him you want some time to yourself should not cause a fight if you both respect each other. What would happen if you told him, when he was sober, to let you know in advance when he plans a night of drinking, so that you can both make arrangements to spend that evening on your own? It's a good opportunity for you to see your other friends or family.
The point is to let go of trying to control his behavior, in order to take care of yourself. He should be able to understand that, and if he can't, you need to ask yourself if this relationship is really as great as it seems.
In the meantime, what are you doing to help yourself move past these feelings of anger over others' drinking?
The point is to let go of trying to control his behavior, in order to take care of yourself. He should be able to understand that, and if he can't, you need to ask yourself if this relationship is really as great as it seems.
In the meantime, what are you doing to help yourself move past these feelings of anger over others' drinking?
I'm not really doing anything to move past the feelings, over time its gotten better but I finally after 3 years thus past year my ex has lost contact with me or at least I hope I blocked him. And now that I'm thinking about it time won't even take those feelings away, I mean I hope eventually it gets better . What do u do to help??
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Personally, I have been in counseling on and off for many years and that has helped me tremendously with acceptance. Many people find great community and solace and support in Al-Anon for much less money 
. Even though you are several years out of that relationship you may still benefit from the face to face support of other people who understand.
I don't think I am ever really going to be able to totally relax and have fun while others are getting trashed, but I have learned to accept that it has nothing to do with me. My co-workers like to get together and drink often -- they don't really understand my reluctance to go along, even though they know I don't drink, but I don't really need them to understand it if it is what I know is best for me.
Interestingly, my husband recently decided to give up alcohol altogether. We had done the Whole30 for a month in the summer and when he re-introduced alcohol into his diet he found that it actually physically disagreed with him like an allergen. I don't know how long it will last - I'm just enjoying it while it does.
. Even though you are several years out of that relationship you may still benefit from the face to face support of other people who understand. I don't think I am ever really going to be able to totally relax and have fun while others are getting trashed, but I have learned to accept that it has nothing to do with me. My co-workers like to get together and drink often -- they don't really understand my reluctance to go along, even though they know I don't drink, but I don't really need them to understand it if it is what I know is best for me.
Interestingly, my husband recently decided to give up alcohol altogether. We had done the Whole30 for a month in the summer and when he re-introduced alcohol into his diet he found that it actually physically disagreed with him like an allergen. I don't know how long it will last - I'm just enjoying it while it does.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I am a sober alcoholic and I can not expect the world to change because I have a problem. I own my problem. I can make decisions based on what is good for me but I know I can't change people places or things and trying to do so is setting myself up for failure. Do I wish no one in my life drank? Absolutely but that is an unrealistic expectation so I just cope with a drinking world the best that I can
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