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Don't know what to think or which way to jump

Old 09-25-2016, 04:33 AM
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Don't know what to think or which way to jump

Thanks you for all your lovely responses on my thread about my mum dying and how awful my estranged dd's were, both at her death bed and funeral. They continue to be awful and have upped the ante cos they are too cowardly to confront me they have taken to phoning my autistic son and upsetting him over issues that are nothing to do with him. ( and not actually anything I have done either) I am taking steps to stop this but he has his own phone and is nearly 18 so it is difficult to enforce anything, especially if they phone him when I am asleep late at night.

Anyway. EXAH has been in a "facility" 6 months ago for 3 months. He is a changed man. No drinking, no white knuckling, no dry drunk behaviour. He has expressed true sorrow for how he was and how he treated us all and he is now present in my boys lives at least 4 day a week. He takes them out, buys then things and is always on the end of the phone to talk to.

My medical issues have worsened. A medical I had last week showed this and I am struggling. Ex is moving here next month. He is buying a great house. The boys chose it with him and picked their rooms. I know it is only a matter of time before they asked to live with him. They always preferred him over me. I think this is partly cos he is not intimidated by my toxic kids and they feel safer with him. They all just laugh and laugh when together and he truly loves them.

My realistic side is wary but cautiously optimistic ! It says don't let him take them cos he may relapse. My logical side says they will go whatever I say so it is not in my power to decide. We are in the UK and when they are 18 ( in 2 months time) I have no say where the boys live. He can provide a secure home instead of a rented flat with no garden. I can't even get my son's bike out where we are now as we are on the 3rd floor and their cat is trapped in too. I feel like they'd have a better life with him IF he stays sober.

I know I could wait it out 2-3 years, have trial runs that go perfectly etc and him still fall off the wagon then. I know there is no guarantees. This is not about me going to live in Europe. I know I said I'd like to before but the boys come first and always will. I am not going anywhere until they are settled and happy. Boyfriend has been move to a different country and I think I'd struggle to live there anyway. I learnt German, got all geared up to go, made friends there and he got moved to Hungary. So this is purely about the boys and which way to jump.

One would go with him tomorrow. The other is more wary but his reasoning for not moving in have nothing to do with ex drinking, which I found amusing. Both said his drinking wasn't there main concern. They are more bothered he won't get a decent broadband and access to Sky Sports. So I just don't know what to do at the moment.
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Old 09-25-2016, 06:46 AM
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Well, as you said they are practically adults. You've discussed dad's drinking with them, they know what the deal is, and one of them wants to go. I don't see any reason to stop him (or his brother, if he decides to go, too). Sounds like a great opportunity for them to re-establish a relationship.

I'm sorry about your health issues, and about your daughters' behavior. I would think this move might relieve some of the other pressures on you right now.

Hugs,
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Old 09-25-2016, 09:08 AM
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Hi LB. It sounds like a super tough time for you. Watching kids grow up and move out is tough under the best of circumstances but with alcoholism, autism and your own medical problems you are hoeing a tough row.

Most of this with the kids and the EX you can't do much about but you can take care of yourself both mentally and physically. I hope you are getting to Alanon meetings. (Maybe you are (-; I haven't read your other threads)
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Old 09-25-2016, 04:14 PM
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i agree, now is the time to put your focus on what YOU need. the boys are almost 18....and can and should begin to make their own decisions, REGARDLESS of how it might look to a parent. it's tough, but it is also important to empower our children to take control of their lives.

i'm sorry i don't recall the backstory with the dds but you have the right to NOT have contact with ANYONE who is cruel or disrespectful.

your health is numero uno now. take every measure you can to assure the best of outcomes. i wish you every good thing.
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Old 09-26-2016, 05:36 AM
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Back story on Dd's to cut a long story short....3 of my dd's are narcissistic. They are very me, me, me. Very entitled, very cold and cruel. They spent time working out the best ways to hurt me ( and others ) as I have become a focus for their meanness. They bully my other adult children and have access to them all the time as two live with them . Until they all decide to go separate ways things won't improve but at the moment they rent a house together. Every single thing is reported back to them. They phone my sons who have no guile and glean information. When they visit when I am out they go through my private stuff. Their latest dummy spit is over exah moving near us. I have had my dd's ranting that they don't want the boys living with him. Their motive is not that exah is likely to regress but they want me looking after the boys, alone, unsupported and away from people who love me cos my being unhappy makes them very happy. They said "You are old and have never had any life so why do you think you can have one now? " Well I can.

My boys are not stupid and I know I have to let them decide for themselves where they live. I have been over to Germany several times over the past few months and each time they have looked after the flat, cooked food, made sure the cats were fed and done laundry. They know who to call in emergency and they were safe. They are adults now. I feel better you are all supportive of this move if they decide to go.

It's not about me moving to another country but it's about me having options to do new things knowing they are happy. Their dad has finally stepped up and I think it will be great for them to establish a relationship with him. They never lost faith in him when the rest of us did.

Health wise I will need an op in the not too distant future. I've put off going for scans as I knew this was the outcome and I have no one here as back up until my ex moves here. I am in a lot of pain now tho so the time is coming.
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Old 12-13-2016, 07:30 AM
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I said exah was a changed man in the post above. I was wrong. I went to Europe for a month as a trial run to the boys moving in with him and it was, from their dad's stepping up point of view, a disaster. They basically looked after themselves and did it very well tbh. He only saw them 3 or 4 times in the whole month and all 3 times bought alcohol in front of the boys. He is now incommunicado which means he on one.

I got home and both said no way would they go and live with him. So back to how we were. Feel relieved and also a tad trapped a the same time..
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