Kissedbyfire

I recently made a post called Good things are Happening just summing up a few bits of good news in my life.

The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Good things are Happening)

I am very happy right now. I find that things in my life are going really well, and I don't think it's by accident. I think it's by design.

Just over one month ago, I was a mess. I was packing my bags and threatening to leave. In the span of a week I smashed my two favorite coffee mugs from slamming them down on the counter so angrily. I spent most of my days crying for months and I was filled with so much anxiety I didn't know if my brain would explode or my chest would first.

My life and sanity were on the line. Suddenly my fiance and I were getting along so wonderfully and out of no where he took off to drink and came home as the drunk that I hated, and hated me back. For once, I had nothing left to say, yell, or lecture. I cried when I saw him, and went to bed when he passed out on the couch and ignored his comments. My fiance decided to get sober after that night and said he'd never drink again. I spent the last two years putting all my happiness in that bank. Days after he got sober, I was the same. Still miserable... and even angrier. I was waiting for the day he'd come home drunk again, and still totally absorbed in his drinking (or lack there of). Wondering if in his sobriety, he realized he didn't love me anymore. Wondering if he'd thank me for staying and fighting for him and caring for him, or apologize for being so awful to me.

I decided, I don't understand Alcoholism... and for better or for worse, I NEED TO UNDERSTAND ALCOHOLISM. I need to understand the disease that's been taking over my family and my life for two years. So, I've been reading. A lot of reading. I've bought books and surfed the Internet non-stop for articles, blogs, stories, theories. I've watched informative videos with speeches or stories from A's, codependents, and professionals. I have a little book I jot in. Pages for inspiring quotes, and pages with information I wanted to be able to go back to when I needed it.
I haven't stopped trying to educate myself, but even with what I've absorbed to this day, I'm finding peace. It's very strange. I'm the type of person who gets angry or upset when I have no control. I HATE AND REJECT WHAT I CAN'T CONTROL.

Accepting that I have no control, is what is giving me peace. Letting go of everything and anything that isn't or shouldn't be in my hands in the first place, has lifted a burden that wasn't mine to bear. It's taken a weight off my shoulders and given me this freedom I've never felt. I haven't necessarily handed these burdens to anyone, but have accepted that they aren't mine, and I don't want them. I haven't figured out my Higher Power. I was raised Atheist. My parents engraved in me at an early age "if there was a God, why would he make your sister the way she is? Why would he put people here to suffer?" (My sister is developmentally delayed and severely disabled with a very rare disease.) Throughout my life, when all is lost and I have no more ammo, and my blood, sweat and tears weren't enough- I've found myself praying. Mostly in situations when my sister is facing death, and I have to sit by her side helpless. I pray, I beg, and I bargain. I take her life out of my hands, and pass her life to whatever God is listening.

I obviously have an HP, but I think I need to understand my relationship with who or what my HP is. Or maybe I don't and can just simplify that something or someone bigger than myself is out there, and all will work out. I'm still on that journey. It's certainly life changing.

While educating myself, I've learned that Alcoholism has affected my life for much longer than two years. It's been haunting me since my birth. My parents are alcoholics. Their drinking has hurt their relationship with eachother, and my relationship with them on such a frequent basis. I grew up with physical and verbal violence because of alcohol. I grew up tip toeing around my mom and dad's drinking. I just never realized it was such a big problem until most stories I read made me think of my parents and upbringing so much more than it made me think of my fiance.

I've given up control over many things and I can feel it, and it feels amazing. It's given me freedom.

I sent my MIL an olive branch the other day. I've been doing great lately. But I've heard that she's pretty well spent the past month talking about me, and the dispute we had a month ago. She's been gossiping with the rest of the family, taking her anger with me out on my SIL for associating with me, and telling people I've been standing in the way of her visiting my daughter saying that she misses her so much.
The person I was just over a month ago would have laid into her and told her to stop gossiping about me or using me as a reason for not seeing her grand daughter when she never comes to visit her anyway. I know I would have done this harshly. Now, I'm set on having peace in my life and it's unbelievably effortless. The olive branch is for my peace of mind, and to protect my peaceful environment. RAF and I don't care if she gossips. It doesn't affect us. I'd hate for it to come between the relationship I have with my SIL, and to hurt my childcare arrangements I have wit her.
My MIL has read my email. The email was to the point stating that I would like to leave the incident in the past and move forward. The issue doesn't need to be discussed further, and we don't need to give eachother excuses. My SIL contacted me yesterday to say her Mom received the email from me, and made my SIL read it. SIL thought it was a very nice gesture from me and we'll written. MIL was critical and hasn't responded, but has read it or forwarded it to the rest of the family to further gossip about me, and insult me. My SIL hears her reading it over the phone constantly and has been reading it over and over. SIL was upset about how her Mom is handling it when it was a well constructed and thoughtful email.
I told SIL, I don't really want to discuss it and her mom could do what she wanted with the email. I've done my part and unburdened myself, and given her the ability to unburden herself and move forward. It's her Mom's choice and no one should interfere. I told her "let her do what she wants with it. It's her choice. Do not get involved. Let's not discuss it any further and just leave it be."
Normally I'd be infuriated by hearing about this. But why should I care? I'm not upset about the incident. I don't feel the need to carry on with grudges. I gave myself a gift. If RAF wishes we visit for a holiday, I won't feel tension or shame. I can go and hold my head high that I maturely did the right thing. I don't require a response, an apology and I don't care who was read it. Her life, and her choices don't consume me- anymore.

My RAF has noticed and noted that he's really proud of my recent behaviour. He described me as glowing a few days ago. Not only am I feeling great, but I'm apparently putting out good vibes.

I've learned:
-Alcoholism is by far one of the worst diseases to suffer from. It makes everyone hate you, it takes all your money, and all your respect from others and your self-respect... then it takes your life.
-Everyone has their own story and their own path. Do not to judge.
-You shouldn't care if someone doesn't like you. Most people struggle enough with trying to like themselves.
-You can't change or control anyone, any more than they can change or control you.
-You can spend your life blaming people, or you can forgive, move forward, and do what it takes to move on and be happy.
-Support is everywhere. Stop searching for it in the person(s) tearing you down.
-If you are out numbered, move on. You won't change them for the better, they'll change you for the worse.
-Don't do something for someone because you feel obligated. Do it because you want to do it.
-Don't take shortcuts on your journey's. You have the rest of your life to figure everything out.

Change is Possible. One month can make a difference. We all have to start somewhere.

Thanks everyone!