nonaa

Hello everyone!

I have always fancied this guy and when we were supposed to have our 1st date, I found out that he relapsed. First thing that came to my mind was that I needed to go and take care of him. And so I did. Seen him at worst, drinking, crying, vomiting, sweating at night, yet, still wanted to support him. Travelled hundreds of miles every single weekend just to be with him at his early stage of recovery. And it all took from there. His AA friends, sponsor, everyone was telling us we CANNOT be in a relationship. AA needs to come first and no energy should be wasted on relationship issues. However, we were getting on AMAZINGLY well, always happy with each other, travelled, shopped, slept & ate together. We both fell in love and it started getting a bit more complicated. Both gay and both of us at totally different stages of our lives. Myself not being out, him nearly 10 years older and proud of who he is. We have been talking a lot about ourselves and I knew he wanted to pull back a bit, but could not do it as too afraid to hurt my feelings. Both of us very vulnerable, me not being out as gay I could be myself with him and just feel happy, him having that care for me and appreciation for being supportive. I was happy the way it was but he wanted something different, more serious and I could not offer him that as I'm not openly gay. Two weeks ago, he came to me saying he needs to pull back, cannot hold his life on hold just to protect my feelings and he would like to start going on an odd date and that I still have a lot to experience.
I felt terrible - unwanted and rejected. I have been having difficulties to accept it the way it is but I am doing my best.

Just would like to hear whether you had any similar experiences and your advices?

LexieCat

Well, I haven't had the "in-the-closet relationship with an alcoholic in early recovery who's out" experience, but I've been in two marriages to alcoholics, and am eight years sober, myself, and the in/out relationship is just an additional complication to an already-fraught situation.

Alcoholics in early recovery DON'T have any business being involved in new relationships. Early recovery is tough even in well-established relationships (read around these boards for a few minutes and you'll see what I'm talking about). I'm VERY glad I was single when I got sober, as I would NOT have been good company, and the tensions that can bubble up during this time would have been a distraction I didn't need.

The bottom line is that regardless of his alcoholism/recovery, it sounds as if he doesn't want what you do at this point. Breakups are ALWAYS painful, regardless of the cause.

It does sound to me, though, given the way you flew to his side to nurse him through a relapse and the way you fell so hard for him, like you might have some co-dependency issues. Some therapy also might help you to work through some of what's going on right now. I can't judge your decision not to be open about your sexuality--that's a very personal decision and you may have the best of reasons to keep that private. But it undoubtedly makes it more difficult to have the kind of relationship you long for.

I'd suggest you work through your grief over the breakup, with whatever help you can put your hands on, so you can move on and have a happy life.

Stick around, there's some great understanding and support here.

Hugs,

damascus1986

I was in a relationship when i first got clean after a few months broke it off with her. That didnt stop me from jumping around for the next two years my local group even coined me a nickname ( Romance Lance). I was hardheaded and didnt listen to suggestions the way i should have. Have seen lots of people relapse over relationships and to be honest i was a absolute emotional basketcase. The drugs were gone but my issues and selfcenteredness were still there I didnt truely love myself or know myself. I agree alot with what Lexi said^^^ any relationships i had with addicts new in recovery only ended in pain on both sides. thats just my experince

Ariesagain

I'm so sorry for your hurt. If you spend some time on the Friends and Family section here, you'll see so many stories just like yours...addicts in early recovery dumping the people who have turned themselves inside out to nurture and support them. Gay, straight...it's all the same.

People in early recovery are told not to start new relationships because they can become either a substitute addiction or a distraction to the extremely hard work of learning how to deal with life without the drug of choice.

I hope you'll stay around and see that you are not alone in what you're going through...there's a lot of wonderful support here.

Sending you a hug.

Thomas45

Hello and welcome to the forums nonaa. I would agree with what others were telling you, there is a hidden wisdom in their words. You may have heard the full explanation or you may not, but I'd like to elaborate on exactly why people say that he shouldn't be 'wasting energy' on new relationships.

You see, recovery isn't quite as simple as abstaining from drinking or drugs. If that were the case, addiction wouldn't be the monster that it is. Recovery consists of being exposed to the thoughts and emotions that somebody has been bottling up inside, recognizing them, and processing them in a healthy way, often in a supervised environment with a support group of peers to help steer the addict in a positive direction. Recovery involves directly confronting the underlying reasons that drove an individual to self-medicate themselves into addiction in the first place - to identify them, to understand them, to find a way to bring about a sense of closure so that the desire to avoid those feelings through drinking disappears or diminishes. It is a long road of self discovery, acceptance, forgiveness, and self evaluation.

New relationships interfere with this process because they take the addict's attention and focus off of their own deep self-reflection, and redirect them towards an external sense of gratification - which is kind of what led the addict down the path of substance abuse in the first place, seeking external gratification instead of internal reconciliation. It is very, very, very common for addicts as well as addicts in recovery to want to seek out new relationships exactly for that reason. They get the warm fuzzies, and suddenly their lives become 'manageable' for a short time because they get that emotional boost from an external source. They don't have to confront those inner demons because they feel good about themselves for a short period of time. For those reasons, it is almost always (99.999999%) counter-productive to an addict's real recovery to get involved in a relationship during the first year or so of recovery.

While I can't speak to the difficulties of being open or closed about one's sexual orientation, the idea of certain expectations in a relationship is a universal issue. Sometimes, it's just a fact of life that we can't meet a partner's expectations for one reason or another. Without a doubt, it sucks when that happens. But the most important thing is to be able to look at ourselves at the end of the day, and ask the question, "By choosing this path, am I doing what I feel is right for me at this point in time, right now?"

As long as you are being true to what you are comfortable with, you shouldn't let someone else's inability to accept you as you are influence your sense of self-worth.

Again, welcome to the forums. I'd encourage you to take a look through some of the stickied topics at the top of the page, a lot of them have great information on better understanding the nature of addiction and how someone else's addiction affects us as friends or partners. Also keep posting, this is a safe place to talk about how you're feeling if you need to get things out.

dandylion

nonaa....on one of the side issues that you mention...about being in different stages in your lives...I can tell you from my own experiences that timing is a really important factor in relationships.....
Ignored.... it is an issue that can really bite you on the behind, down the road.....
Drastically different stages and different age groups can have big ramifications, later....

I'm just saying.....

nonaa

Thank you guys for your words. I think I finally realised I have been having issues myself - codependency issues. LexieCat you were right. Done some research and it IS so ME! Feeling needy boosts our self-worth. I guess I would need some therapy on that too. Feeling happy is only temporary, must focus how to be happy in life.

Do you guys think having a break from AA while I work on my grieving is a good idea? Ultimately, would love to be friends with him as we have a very strong bond and we know each other inside out.

Praying

I think there's a secondary issue here too--I've been in a relationship before where politically it wasn't good to be "public"--not a cheating one, just an odd situation.

It got old. I wanted to be able to meet him out with friends and act like I liked him. In public. I couldn't have the fullness of a relationship that I needed. I ended it. And we really clicked too. The timing wasn't right for it to fulfill both of our needs.

It's fair for your guy to want that...so even with the addiction on the table, I think that if your plan is to stay in the closet, it may not be fair to him given what he'd like out of a relationship.

LexieCat

I'm not sure what you mean by a "break from AA"--isn't HE the one in AA?

Eauchiche

Dear NonAA
You are welcome to look up my other posts, if you like to see my history.

I was in a 14 year relationship with another fellow. We have been separated 2-1/2 years. Believe me when I tell you how difficult it has been to deal with a breakup like this.

Today, we enjoy very rare interaction that is friendly on the surface, but strictly business. We only contact each other over a bill or some other business matter. This is after we spent EVERY day together for 14 years.

Occasionally, I feel myself wishing there was a way to reconnect, but always find that things are much better the way they are. We don't come from the same place any more in just about all areas of life, especially sobriety. I am not even sure we could consider ourselves "friends" by any normal definition. Looking back, I believe I projected things onto my partner and assumed he had the same values I had. Now I'm not sure this was the case.

NonAA, I remember how my life was at the current stage you describe yourself. I am sure that, at some level, you are lonely and looking for someone else to validate you. Please believe me that you can find this in a different way than the relationship you have been involved in.

Keep coming back!!!

nonaa

Yes, sorry. He is in AA, I am not. I meant break from him (as an AA member). On the other hand, my friends just told me he had been involved in other relationship with a man before we 'broke up'. I had spoken to his sponsor today and found out he loved me a lot but was not in love with me. Sometimes, just being honest could fix a lot of things. I wish I could forget it all and focus on myself but emotions are still higher what my head is telling me. One day...

LexieCat

Well, given how intense the relationship has been, most people find it much easier to focus on their own recovery (from a relationship, from co-dependency) if they have zero contact with the object of their obsession.

Think about it this way. You are, in a manner of speaking, addicted to this man. When you have an obsession (with a person or a substance or anything else), your best shot at healing yourself is to completely part ways with the object of your obsession. An alcoholic relapses by picking up the first drink. You could relapse as a result of continued contact with him. You're setting yourself up for more heartbreak if you see him out with other people, happily dating or involved with someone else. Or even if he's taking his sponsor's advice and staying away from relationships, you may find yourself hovering around, not moving forward with your own life, in the hopes that you can renew a relationship that he says isn't what he wants right now.

My advice? Stop contact with him. It may hurt now but it won't hurt for as long.

atalose

I think it's a great idea that you take a break from him and focus on you, work through some of that codependency stuff.

Work on identifying those red flags, as someone on here once said…..red flags are not party favors. When you saw all of his red flags, why did you proceed anyways into this relationship, these are the things you should try and work on.

And truth be told, anyone who has deep feelings for someone else and that someone else wants to end the romantic relationship, stepping down into “just friends” only keeps the emotional chaos going. Take a break, give him his space while you take yours.

nonaa

LexieCat, this is what I have been doing since Monday. Not keeping in touch and no Facebook checking. Otherwise I know I would relapse in this emotional rollercoaster.

Today, I have done one of the most amazing things I was not able to do for a long time. I came out to one of my closest friends. Took so much pain away and made me feel better that it's not only a virtual world that knows about me

NYCDoglvr

If you care at all about him, leave. The reason folks in AA suggest "no relationship in the first year" is because it is the fastest route to a relapse. Alcoholism is a life and death matter and sobriety is very fragile during the first year. I hope you make the right choice.

LexieCat

Great! You might also benefit from talking with folks at some of the LGBT support organizations out there--they might be familiar with other groups focusing on co-dependency and similar issues in the gay community.

nonaa

Of course I care and that is the reason why I took a break for however long it takes to heal. Otherwise it would only make him feel guilty he has hurt me and only one step to pick up a drink.

Do a lot of AA members in their first year of sobriety tend to escape into relationships? Is it for many an easier route to focus on positive things and get that energy to stay sober from others?

damascus1986

i think its we want to fill the void left in our lives where drugs used to be. I cant speak for anyone else but i loved drugs i had a relationship with them. Its normal for me to try to cling to something else. Also i found myslef wanting to focus on my relationship rather then the 12 steps and getting better because that involved looking at myself and what caused me to use and thats not always easy.


I think lexi is really on point. so much wisdome here.