First Post - Does it get better?
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 20
First Post - Does it get better?
I am new to this, so please forgive me if I ramble.
I have been married to an alcoholic for 7 1/2 years. We've been through 6 rehabs, countless detox stints and a few ER visits. It finally came to a head this past March. I knew he was drinking again. He has spent the last six months between 2 rehabs and 3 months in sober living. He decided he "wanted to make his own choices".
We agreed he was going to move into his own apartment. I agreed to let him stay at the house until he found a place of his own. I called him from work that afternoon. He told me he he had a gun to his head and he was going to kill himself. I texted his sponsor and tried to keep him talking on the phone until he got to our house. He kept telling me if I didn't hang up, he was just going to force me to listen to him do it. After a few minutes, the gun went off. I now know what "dead silence" sounds like.
As I'm on the phone with 911, the situation becomes very confusing. He's dead, right? No... he shot a bed in our basement and went to the neighbors to watch the cops come to the house. He was out of his mind drunk. He shot the gun just to hurt me.
The police come, they were very responsive to his state. Because his sponsor had his AA chip, they allowed him to be part of situation. They cuffed him and took him to the metal ward at the county hospital.
We haven't lived together for close to a year now. We spent a little bit of time together early this summer, but as of July 30th we decided to divorce.
He is doing better, still drinking but on his own terms. He has had his low points, but being on his own forces him to pick himself up.
Me, I'm not doing very well. I have held on so tightly over the years. I feel like I am spiralling out of control. Now, so often I feel like I can't breath. Like I'm stuck in cement. PTSD? Just how it is? I've been told this feeling will go away. That it will get better. I just don't know. Hope has become a four letter word to me.
I'm not sure what I am expecting. I guess I just needed a place to write this experience. My therapist continues to push me to tell my story. Well, I guess I'm starting. Thank you for taking the time to read it.
I have been married to an alcoholic for 7 1/2 years. We've been through 6 rehabs, countless detox stints and a few ER visits. It finally came to a head this past March. I knew he was drinking again. He has spent the last six months between 2 rehabs and 3 months in sober living. He decided he "wanted to make his own choices".
We agreed he was going to move into his own apartment. I agreed to let him stay at the house until he found a place of his own. I called him from work that afternoon. He told me he he had a gun to his head and he was going to kill himself. I texted his sponsor and tried to keep him talking on the phone until he got to our house. He kept telling me if I didn't hang up, he was just going to force me to listen to him do it. After a few minutes, the gun went off. I now know what "dead silence" sounds like.
As I'm on the phone with 911, the situation becomes very confusing. He's dead, right? No... he shot a bed in our basement and went to the neighbors to watch the cops come to the house. He was out of his mind drunk. He shot the gun just to hurt me.
The police come, they were very responsive to his state. Because his sponsor had his AA chip, they allowed him to be part of situation. They cuffed him and took him to the metal ward at the county hospital.
We haven't lived together for close to a year now. We spent a little bit of time together early this summer, but as of July 30th we decided to divorce.
He is doing better, still drinking but on his own terms. He has had his low points, but being on his own forces him to pick himself up.
Me, I'm not doing very well. I have held on so tightly over the years. I feel like I am spiralling out of control. Now, so often I feel like I can't breath. Like I'm stuck in cement. PTSD? Just how it is? I've been told this feeling will go away. That it will get better. I just don't know. Hope has become a four letter word to me.
I'm not sure what I am expecting. I guess I just needed a place to write this experience. My therapist continues to push me to tell my story. Well, I guess I'm starting. Thank you for taking the time to read it.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,001
"Me, I'm not doing very well. I have held on so tightly over the years. I feel like I am spiralling out of control. Now, so often I feel like I can't breath. Like I'm stuck in cement. PTSD? Just how it is? I've been told this feeling will go away. That it will get better. I just don't know. Hope has become a four letter word to me. "
^^^^^^^ Oh my gosh, I can imagine you aren't doing too well. That is one $%#@! lot you have been through!
Welcome to SR and so very sorry for what is going on in your life.
I would think that you have been to Alanon already. Has it helped at all?
Please take care of yourself. This is tough tough stuff you are going through!
^^^^^^^ Oh my gosh, I can imagine you aren't doing too well. That is one $%#@! lot you have been through!
Welcome to SR and so very sorry for what is going on in your life.
I would think that you have been to Alanon already. Has it helped at all?
Please take care of yourself. This is tough tough stuff you are going through!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Cocoloco, I am so sorry for all you've gone thru. What a terrible experience, to believe your husband has shot himself!
You are not alone, and there are many here who will gladly share their ES&H w/you. A better life is waiting for you.
I hope you can begin your healing soon.
You are not alone, and there are many here who will gladly share their ES&H w/you. A better life is waiting for you.
I hope you can begin your healing soon.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Wow, Coco. Just, wow. Please don't think you should be back to feeling "normal" yet. Don't stipulate yourself and your emotions with a timeline. What you have experienced does not constitute as ordinary life struggles. It has traumatized you. I can somewhat relate as my AH has threatened suicide multiple times, promising that "this is the last time you'll see me" "I'll be sure to leave you a note" etc... That alone was extremely traumatizing. To believe you actually heard it happen, I just cannot imagine. I still come home sometimes with a mental image of finding him in a closet, bathtub, etc. Our minds come up with intense circumstances. Maybe this happens to you?
Never the less, please be gentle with yourself. One day at a time. If you do not feel counseling alone is helping, visit Alanon. If you have tried before and did not like it, try again. If you go now, shake it up and try different meetings. I guarantee you will encounter different individuals/stories that will begin to encourage you and sustain you. I have to tell you, though, the pure hope that comes from my relationship with God and my fellowship through my church small group has been unmatched. Maybe you are willing to look into this?
I'm glad you found us.
Never the less, please be gentle with yourself. One day at a time. If you do not feel counseling alone is helping, visit Alanon. If you have tried before and did not like it, try again. If you go now, shake it up and try different meetings. I guarantee you will encounter different individuals/stories that will begin to encourage you and sustain you. I have to tell you, though, the pure hope that comes from my relationship with God and my fellowship through my church small group has been unmatched. Maybe you are willing to look into this?
I'm glad you found us.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 20
Thank you all for the encouraging words. Just typing it out, telling the story to others who can understand is comforting. I have not tried Alanon. Is it too late since we are separated and he is no longer in my life? I am seeing a therapist, and she is very helpful.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Originally Posted by CocoLoco612 
Is it too late since we are separated and he is no longer in my life?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 20
@hope778 - I too have those images. It has taken me all this time to not think he is dead when I open a door in my house. I have trained myself for the worst case scenario in almost all aspects of my life. That way I am ready and prepared if/when it happens. My assistant and I joke that I always tell him "if I die, here's what you need to know".
I've planned his funeral in my head dozens of times, probably more. I've rehearsed telling his family and friends that he is dead. I was prepared for his death. It had an end date. This lingering transition is so difficult. I don't want him to die, I want him to have a good life. A life on his terms. A life I don't have to be a part of, but is good for him. I just want to put a period to this chapter of my life.
I've planned his funeral in my head dozens of times, probably more. I've rehearsed telling his family and friends that he is dead. I was prepared for his death. It had an end date. This lingering transition is so difficult. I don't want him to die, I want him to have a good life. A life on his terms. A life I don't have to be a part of, but is good for him. I just want to put a period to this chapter of my life.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
What a horribly hurtful, cruel and mean situation your soon to be ex placed you in. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Yes, keep sharing your story, get it all out, process it all, and in time the healing will happened.
Most people think they go to al-anon for the alcoholic, but we go because of the alcoholic. The A is no longer in my life yet I still attend because it helps me on my journey in life.
Glad you found SR.
Yes, keep sharing your story, get it all out, process it all, and in time the healing will happened.
Most people think they go to al-anon for the alcoholic, but we go because of the alcoholic. The A is no longer in my life yet I still attend because it helps me on my journey in life.
Glad you found SR.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Coco,
Welcome and glad you found us!! You will find a lot of help and support through F & F.
Almost 2 years ago I divorced my ah after 34 years together, talk about feeling insane. I needed a lot of help. I went to 2 alanon meetings, 2 open AA meetings a week and SR every night for 10 solid months. I didn't miss a week!! It took me a long time to slowly come out of my codependent state.
You can do this, as they said above, one day at a time or just one hour at a time. Keep posting, read the stickies up top and slowly your life will calm down. Sending hugs my friend and welcome to SR!! We are all here for you!!
Welcome and glad you found us!! You will find a lot of help and support through F & F.
Almost 2 years ago I divorced my ah after 34 years together, talk about feeling insane. I needed a lot of help. I went to 2 alanon meetings, 2 open AA meetings a week and SR every night for 10 solid months. I didn't miss a week!! It took me a long time to slowly come out of my codependent state.
You can do this, as they said above, one day at a time or just one hour at a time. Keep posting, read the stickies up top and slowly your life will calm down. Sending hugs my friend and welcome to SR!! We are all here for you!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Originally Posted by CocoLoco612
@hope778 - I too have those images. It has taken me all this time to not think he is dead when I open a door in my house. I have trained myself for the worst case scenario in almost all aspects of my life. That way I am ready and prepared if/when it happens. My assistant and I joke that I always tell him "if I die, here's what you need to know".
I've planned his funeral in my head dozens of times, probably more. I've rehearsed telling his family and friends that he is dead. I was prepared for his death. It had an end date. This lingering transition is so difficult. I don't want him to die, I want him to have a good life. A life on his terms. A life I don't have to be a part of, but is good for him. I just want to put a period to this chapter of my life.
I've planned his funeral in my head dozens of times, probably more. I've rehearsed telling his family and friends that he is dead. I was prepared for his death. It had an end date. This lingering transition is so difficult. I don't want him to die, I want him to have a good life. A life on his terms. A life I don't have to be a part of, but is good for him. I just want to put a period to this chapter of my life.
This limbo that you described can be torture. That is why detaching and learning to get help for ourselves is imperative. That is where Alanon can come in for you. Be open minded, and it will change things for you. You will become someone you did not know you could be, and you will experience such immense self-growth that you will feel like the type of person you have always looked up to.
All of us here love an addict and/or alcohol, so we get it. We all want them to find sobriety and happiness. We begin to not even care if it is with us or not. We just want this human who we love to be happy. That seems to be where you are now.
Last edited by hope778; 09-21-2016 at 01:36 PM. Reason: grammar
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Welcome, and I'm so sorry for what you've been through.
Please do look into Al-Anon. You have been greatly affected by your husband's alcoholism, and that requires healing. You deserve to be free of guilt and pain resulting from someone else's actions.
Hugs, and stick around here, too--it's a place of great understanding and support.
Please do look into Al-Anon. You have been greatly affected by your husband's alcoholism, and that requires healing. You deserve to be free of guilt and pain resulting from someone else's actions.
Hugs, and stick around here, too--it's a place of great understanding and support.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
It's never too late to start healing for yourself.
Somewhat similar situation with my RAW. She threatened to kill herself in front of me by holding a knife over her wrists. I talked her down by explaining our two young children were in the other room and how would that impact them seeing their mother bleeding out? She stopped and threatened to do it so when I got home from work I'd see it before the kids so they'd be spared.
A few weeks later, after more lies and threats of suicide (I did call to get her help but as an adult she has to admit herself) I had enough and told her the marriage was over because of her drinking and the affair. Took the kids out for the day and told her to be gone when I got back. Came back and saw her car still there, found her upstairs with two empty bottles of sleeping pills and fifth of vodka in her hand. She was almost comatose. I called 911, got the kids to a neighbor and had to stand there getting grilled by the police (guess they have to treat it all like a murder attempt until proven otherwise) while they hauled her away in the ambulance.
She sobered up completely after she healed and we spent some time separated.
You say he's drinking on his own terms? That's just an excuse he tells you to make him feel better. He's not ready to heal, keep your distance from that train wreck.
Don't let him guilt you. They do that to keep us off guard and on the defensive.
As for feeling like you are spiraling out of control. Been there. I know the feeling. I spent over 6 years pouring my energy into healing her (yeah, I was your typical enabler). Once she decided to get sober my life felt empty. I had to learn to heal and let her heal herself. She's been sober since 2009 and I still feel off at times but it gets better over time.
Hang in there!
Somewhat similar situation with my RAW. She threatened to kill herself in front of me by holding a knife over her wrists. I talked her down by explaining our two young children were in the other room and how would that impact them seeing their mother bleeding out? She stopped and threatened to do it so when I got home from work I'd see it before the kids so they'd be spared.
A few weeks later, after more lies and threats of suicide (I did call to get her help but as an adult she has to admit herself) I had enough and told her the marriage was over because of her drinking and the affair. Took the kids out for the day and told her to be gone when I got back. Came back and saw her car still there, found her upstairs with two empty bottles of sleeping pills and fifth of vodka in her hand. She was almost comatose. I called 911, got the kids to a neighbor and had to stand there getting grilled by the police (guess they have to treat it all like a murder attempt until proven otherwise) while they hauled her away in the ambulance.
She sobered up completely after she healed and we spent some time separated.
You say he's drinking on his own terms? That's just an excuse he tells you to make him feel better. He's not ready to heal, keep your distance from that train wreck.
Don't let him guilt you. They do that to keep us off guard and on the defensive.
As for feeling like you are spiraling out of control. Been there. I know the feeling. I spent over 6 years pouring my energy into healing her (yeah, I was your typical enabler). Once she decided to get sober my life felt empty. I had to learn to heal and let her heal herself. She's been sober since 2009 and I still feel off at times but it gets better over time.
Hang in there!
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