Is he an alcoholic?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 2
Is he an alcoholic?
Hiya,
I've never posted in a forum before but I'm so lost. My boyfriend drinks a lot. I'm not sure if he's an alcoholic though. He drinks once or twice a week but goes on absolute benders. We come from a place where big nights out are the normal but he goes heavier then anybody else. I do shift work and he's constantly getting me out of bed before my 13 hour shifts cause he's so bad he can't say his own name and is on the road shouting and singing. He often drinks so much he wets our bed. And the hangovers are worse. He now doesn't speak to me for about 3 days after a big night. I used to think it was me, until I saw the pattern. This all sounds bad but I'm not sure if it technically makes him an addict.
I'm too scared to confront him cause I'm not sure he would pick me over booze or that it's fair to give him that ultimatum. But I'm done, I'm lonely in my own home and tired all the time. But I'm not sure where to go from here either. If it's a problem that he wants help with I will help, but what do I do if he denies it's an issue, or won't stop drinking? Do I just leave? I'm not financially depended on him, nor do we have children. I do love him though, and have been together for 12 years. So what happens? I am so lost and could do with any feedback at all!
Thanks!!!!
I've never posted in a forum before but I'm so lost. My boyfriend drinks a lot. I'm not sure if he's an alcoholic though. He drinks once or twice a week but goes on absolute benders. We come from a place where big nights out are the normal but he goes heavier then anybody else. I do shift work and he's constantly getting me out of bed before my 13 hour shifts cause he's so bad he can't say his own name and is on the road shouting and singing. He often drinks so much he wets our bed. And the hangovers are worse. He now doesn't speak to me for about 3 days after a big night. I used to think it was me, until I saw the pattern. This all sounds bad but I'm not sure if it technically makes him an addict.
I'm too scared to confront him cause I'm not sure he would pick me over booze or that it's fair to give him that ultimatum. But I'm done, I'm lonely in my own home and tired all the time. But I'm not sure where to go from here either. If it's a problem that he wants help with I will help, but what do I do if he denies it's an issue, or won't stop drinking? Do I just leave? I'm not financially depended on him, nor do we have children. I do love him though, and have been together for 12 years. So what happens? I am so lost and could do with any feedback at all!
Thanks!!!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Spatz....I would say that alcohol is causing a problem in your life and that y ou are suffering from it....
I would say that if he denies that it is a problem and won't stop drinking (which is probably what he will do), I suggest that you put your own future and your welfare first....and end the relationship...
With addiction or abuse...love is not enough!
There is lots of help for YOU. I hope that you will take it.....
Start, first, with reading the Classic Readings in the "Stickies" at the top of the main page....
Begin to go to alanon and get yourself a personal therapist to guide you and support you....
get a copy of "Co-dependent No More" and begin to read it....
Continue to post, here, on SR, because there are t housands of real life stories written by those who have been in your shoes...
You are at a crossroads in your young life. ...thankfully, there are no children caught in the middle..
The decisions that yo u make now can affect t he rest of your life!!!!!!
I would say that if he denies that it is a problem and won't stop drinking (which is probably what he will do), I suggest that you put your own future and your welfare first....and end the relationship...
With addiction or abuse...love is not enough!
There is lots of help for YOU. I hope that you will take it.....
Start, first, with reading the Classic Readings in the "Stickies" at the top of the main page....
Begin to go to alanon and get yourself a personal therapist to guide you and support you....
get a copy of "Co-dependent No More" and begin to read it....
Continue to post, here, on SR, because there are t housands of real life stories written by those who have been in your shoes...
You are at a crossroads in your young life. ...thankfully, there are no children caught in the middle..
The decisions that yo u make now can affect t he rest of your life!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, Spatz--I'm on my way to bed (I get up very early) but just wanted to say welcome to SR. You've come to the right place for support and education about alcoholism.
I hope you can take some time to read around the forum, and especially don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. I'm certain you'll read a lot that will resonate w/you--you are NOT alone, by a long shot.
This is a very active forum, and I'm sure you'll have many more replies before the night is out. I'm glad you found us, and I wish you strength and clarity going forward.
I hope you can take some time to read around the forum, and especially don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. I'm certain you'll read a lot that will resonate w/you--you are NOT alone, by a long shot.
This is a very active forum, and I'm sure you'll have many more replies before the night is out. I'm glad you found us, and I wish you strength and clarity going forward.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
This all sounds bad but I'm not sure if it technically makes him an addict.
what DIFFERENCE would that make for you?
it sounds like an awful way to live, no matter what you call it. this IS your life.....i'm glad you are taking a good hard look at things, so that you can gain whatever clarity you need going forward.
what DIFFERENCE would that make for you?
it sounds like an awful way to live, no matter what you call it. this IS your life.....i'm glad you are taking a good hard look at things, so that you can gain whatever clarity you need going forward.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What Anvil said. You don't need a diagnosis to save yourself from a miserable lifestyle with someone who is dragging you down. Whether he's an alcoholic or not, it doesn't sound like he's got a problem with his behavior. You do.
You can waste more years of your life trying to "help" him face and deal with his alcoholism. That's a recipe for more misery. He hasn't asked for your help.
I'm not sure what you're afraid of in terms of letting him know his drinking behavior is something you're no longer willing to live with. Suppose he DOES choose drinking over you? So what? Seems to me that sort of settles the issue. There's nothing "unfair" about deciding what you are willing to accept in your own life. If he denies it's an issue and wants to keep drinking, your options are pretty clear. Continue to live with someone who disrespects you and pees in the bed on a regular basis--or worse (because alcoholism is progressive, and you've already witnessed its progression--presumably he wasn't like this when you met him)--OR walk away and be free of the insanity.
I know you love him, but that doesn't fix anything. I loved my alcoholic, too, but I walked away because his drinking was destroying my life, and I wasn't willing to sacrifice my life for someone who didn't value his own.
You can waste more years of your life trying to "help" him face and deal with his alcoholism. That's a recipe for more misery. He hasn't asked for your help.
I'm not sure what you're afraid of in terms of letting him know his drinking behavior is something you're no longer willing to live with. Suppose he DOES choose drinking over you? So what? Seems to me that sort of settles the issue. There's nothing "unfair" about deciding what you are willing to accept in your own life. If he denies it's an issue and wants to keep drinking, your options are pretty clear. Continue to live with someone who disrespects you and pees in the bed on a regular basis--or worse (because alcoholism is progressive, and you've already witnessed its progression--presumably he wasn't like this when you met him)--OR walk away and be free of the insanity.
I know you love him, but that doesn't fix anything. I loved my alcoholic, too, but I walked away because his drinking was destroying my life, and I wasn't willing to sacrifice my life for someone who didn't value his own.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Oh my - you sound like you are in the same position I was in when I got here. Something that helped me a lot was the people here breaking down what I said into facts. Then, factually analyzing my emotions because of the situation. There are some questions below, and you don't have to answer them to me - but please answer them to you.
It sounds bad because maybe it IS bad and you should listen to your feeling that it sounds bad. People that choose addicts are really, REALLY good at hushing down our own feelings to keep from hurting others.
If he is technically an addict or not doesn't matter if how things ARE is a problem for you.
You have a gut feeling that he would choose alcohol over you, and I hope you listen to that. Do you want someone that would choose alcohol over you? Do you think you deserve someone that would choose alcohol over you?
Ultimatums spring from our gut feeling that something is a dealbreaker for us. An ultimatum is fair TO YOU, and that is important.
And this is me projecting....but you are probably right regarding what his choice would be, and that is why you are scared. You'd have to admit you picked someone that would choose alcohol over you. And that's OK - the fact that you showed up here even being able to be so honest with yourself and us puts you a light year ahead of me when I got here. And for the record...he is choosing alcohol over himself, let alone you.
I just want to validate you here .... being the partner of someone with an active substance abuse problem or addiction is lonely, maddening, painful, embarrassing, abusive and so, so defeating. I had acid reflux, insomnia, migraines, and the beginnings of a lovely peptic ulcer. And I stayed for 5 years, not wanting to leave "5 minutes before the miracle" of him seeing he had a problem and getting help. (I ended up leaving, he is still drinking.)
Then you are going to have to move past that fear of the unknown, and give him your ultimatum and find out. And if you do that, you're going to have to be willing to stick to your part of the ultimatum and leave if he does not want help.
And if he does want help, you BOTH have a really, REALLY long hard road ahead...but i've seen it happen here and there, and when it works out, it's a beautiful thing.
Yep. You just leave.
You get the hell out, and then you go get a counselor and read about codependency and maybe go to AlAnon and fess up to your part in choosing him, your part in the chaos of an addicted relationship, and your part in not leaving sooner when you knew you deserved better. You have a bunch of hard core awakenings into your own issues, have a small existential breakdown / crisis, and then you grow LIKE CRAZY. And then you get out there and live the life you deserved all along....much more open and self aware.
That last paragraph may have been too much for where you are today.....but believe it or not....that's how it works.
Or, you stay...wondering if it will ever be any different...while it continues to get worse. Because alcoholism is progressive....and if you are asking if he is an addict, then his cracks are beginning to show. And you are here....so, so are yours, and because you made it here, you have an awesome chance to change it all for yourself.
Hang out here - we ALL do this on our own time line. Whether we stay or leave, if we keep reading here, get some outside help, read some books and or hit up some Alanon meetings we grow and we can live a happier existence than when we got here. Welcome! Even though the reasons you got here suck big time. (((HUGS)))
This all sounds bad but I'm not sure if it technically makes him an addict.
If he is technically an addict or not doesn't matter if how things ARE is a problem for you.
I'm too scared to confront him cause I'm not sure he would pick me over booze or that it's fair to give him that ultimatum.
Ultimatums spring from our gut feeling that something is a dealbreaker for us. An ultimatum is fair TO YOU, and that is important.
And this is me projecting....but you are probably right regarding what his choice would be, and that is why you are scared. You'd have to admit you picked someone that would choose alcohol over you. And that's OK - the fact that you showed up here even being able to be so honest with yourself and us puts you a light year ahead of me when I got here. And for the record...he is choosing alcohol over himself, let alone you.
But I'm done, I'm lonely in my own home and tired all the time. But I'm not sure where to go from here either.
If it's a problem that he wants help with I will help,
And if he does want help, you BOTH have a really, REALLY long hard road ahead...but i've seen it happen here and there, and when it works out, it's a beautiful thing.
but what do I do if he denies it's an issue, or won't stop drinking? Do I just leave?
You get the hell out, and then you go get a counselor and read about codependency and maybe go to AlAnon and fess up to your part in choosing him, your part in the chaos of an addicted relationship, and your part in not leaving sooner when you knew you deserved better. You have a bunch of hard core awakenings into your own issues, have a small existential breakdown / crisis, and then you grow LIKE CRAZY. And then you get out there and live the life you deserved all along....much more open and self aware.
That last paragraph may have been too much for where you are today.....but believe it or not....that's how it works.
Or, you stay...wondering if it will ever be any different...while it continues to get worse. Because alcoholism is progressive....and if you are asking if he is an addict, then his cracks are beginning to show. And you are here....so, so are yours, and because you made it here, you have an awesome chance to change it all for yourself.
Hang out here - we ALL do this on our own time line. Whether we stay or leave, if we keep reading here, get some outside help, read some books and or hit up some Alanon meetings we grow and we can live a happier existence than when we got here. Welcome! Even though the reasons you got here suck big time. (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 121
Welcome to SR Spatz,
This is a great place to come for support, information and it's nice to touch base with people who know what you're going through. My recommendation for you is to begin educating yourself on Alcoholism. Al Anon is very helpful. It's only meant to be helpful to you. It won't teach you how to help him - because you can't.
In all honesty, as soon as you start debating if a loved one is an alcoholic, I think they likely are.
I remember when I first suspected my fiance might have a drinking problem, I asked my closest friend at the time what she thought. She excused his behaviour and said "he's a working guy, and guys like that drink a lot all the time." Her mother and stepdad were both alcoholics- and not high functioning ones. I didnt exactly go to the best person for advice. Months later when his drinking really got out of hand, this same friend abandoned our friendship because she hated him so much.
The moment I started fixating on his drinking and was vocal about my concerns - the fighting began and our relationship began deteriorating. I believed with all my heart and soul I could make him come to his senses. No amount of talking, crying, yelling, manipulating, begging, or threatening could stop him from drinking or make him realize or admit he was an alcoholic.
He had to hit his bottom and come to the conclusion on his own. For some it takes years, decades, and others it never happens.
As soon as alcohol starts affecting your relationships, your job, your financial status- your life... its a problem.
The good days and times you share together is what makes it so painful. It's as though you're battling and fighting for the person you love -with someone you hate. You could be absolutely perfect for him and it won't stop his drinking.
You can't fix him. You can try to rationally and calmly discuss it with him that his drinking is interrupting your work and your life. I promise you- yelling and anger do not help. If that conversation leads to anger, irrational behaviour, or broken promises... then you're at the beginning of a dark, miserable journey that more often than not ends in darkness and misery.
Please educate yourself. It is an illness and learning about it will help you deal with it. It won't help you deal with him but it will help you have understanding so you can deal with your life.
Keep coming back!
This is a great place to come for support, information and it's nice to touch base with people who know what you're going through. My recommendation for you is to begin educating yourself on Alcoholism. Al Anon is very helpful. It's only meant to be helpful to you. It won't teach you how to help him - because you can't.
In all honesty, as soon as you start debating if a loved one is an alcoholic, I think they likely are.
I remember when I first suspected my fiance might have a drinking problem, I asked my closest friend at the time what she thought. She excused his behaviour and said "he's a working guy, and guys like that drink a lot all the time." Her mother and stepdad were both alcoholics- and not high functioning ones. I didnt exactly go to the best person for advice. Months later when his drinking really got out of hand, this same friend abandoned our friendship because she hated him so much.
The moment I started fixating on his drinking and was vocal about my concerns - the fighting began and our relationship began deteriorating. I believed with all my heart and soul I could make him come to his senses. No amount of talking, crying, yelling, manipulating, begging, or threatening could stop him from drinking or make him realize or admit he was an alcoholic.
He had to hit his bottom and come to the conclusion on his own. For some it takes years, decades, and others it never happens.
As soon as alcohol starts affecting your relationships, your job, your financial status- your life... its a problem.
The good days and times you share together is what makes it so painful. It's as though you're battling and fighting for the person you love -with someone you hate. You could be absolutely perfect for him and it won't stop his drinking.
You can't fix him. You can try to rationally and calmly discuss it with him that his drinking is interrupting your work and your life. I promise you- yelling and anger do not help. If that conversation leads to anger, irrational behaviour, or broken promises... then you're at the beginning of a dark, miserable journey that more often than not ends in darkness and misery.
Please educate yourself. It is an illness and learning about it will help you deal with it. It won't help you deal with him but it will help you have understanding so you can deal with your life.
Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 11
Spatz I had similar thoughts regarding my ex-husband's behavior. I knew his heavy drinking and drugging bothered me but I wasn't sure if it was excessive enough to "objectively" qualify as a problem :-) It took me a long time to finally understand that needing outside validation had more to do with me than anything he was or wasn't doing.
As others have said, if his behavior bothers you, not just here and there but all the time, then it's wrong for you and you should trust your feelings. You can let him know that it makes you feel lonely and uncomfortable; maybe he'll want to do something about it but if he doesn't, it's not because it isn't a real problem.
Take care!
As others have said, if his behavior bothers you, not just here and there but all the time, then it's wrong for you and you should trust your feelings. You can let him know that it makes you feel lonely and uncomfortable; maybe he'll want to do something about it but if he doesn't, it's not because it isn't a real problem.
Take care!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Drinking once or twice a week + 3 day hangovers where he isn't speaking to you frankly doesn't sound like much of a relationship at all.
You deserve much better than this. Good job in coming here and I wish you much strength in making the right choices for yourself.
You deserve much better than this. Good job in coming here and I wish you much strength in making the right choices for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,001
Welcome Spatz! I'm glad you found us and also sorry for what you are going through. Living with an alcoholic truly is horrible.
I second what everyone has said specially take a look at the stickies at the top of the forum, try an alanon group and many have found Codependent No More by Melody Beatie helpful.
Big hug to you and let us know how you are getting along!
I second what everyone has said specially take a look at the stickies at the top of the forum, try an alanon group and many have found Codependent No More by Melody Beatie helpful.
Big hug to you and let us know how you are getting along!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Labels don't really matter...results do. The fact that he "often" wets the bed is a serious symptom of later stage alcohol addiction...most sane people would be so mortified doing that even once they would change their behavior.
But as the others have said...it's really up to you. Given the sad reality that there's nothing you can do to change him, is this how you want to live?
Sending you a hug.
But as the others have said...it's really up to you. Given the sad reality that there's nothing you can do to change him, is this how you want to live?
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Spatz,
Welcome to sr. I agree with everyone else. This is not a race. Educate yourself, take your time. You want to make sure you are making the right choices. They do say in alanon not to make any big decisions with in 6 months of joining. Your mind is over whelmed. Do your homework and it will all fall into place the way it's suppose too. Hugs my friend stick with us, keep asking questions and your life will get better with or without him.
Welcome to sr. I agree with everyone else. This is not a race. Educate yourself, take your time. You want to make sure you are making the right choices. They do say in alanon not to make any big decisions with in 6 months of joining. Your mind is over whelmed. Do your homework and it will all fall into place the way it's suppose too. Hugs my friend stick with us, keep asking questions and your life will get better with or without him.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Welcome to the forum, Spatz. Lots of wisdom and experience here. As others have recommended, suggest you read the "stickies" that are at the top of main menu here. Good info about alcoholic behavior and loved ones' responses to it. Good luck. Peace.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 166
I'm sorry you're going through this. As for the ultimatum - I wouldn't fear giving him one. And it is fair - afterall, the pain he is causing you isn't fair to you. The problem is, he may say he chooses you, and still choose the booze - even if he means it at the moment. All the more so if he isn't totally committed to it. I am just speaking from years of experience and pain with someone who keeps attempting to get sober, had all the support from me, AA, his sponsor, etc, and yet still seems to repeatedly choose to drink. Take care of yourself first. You don't need to suffer. Wishing you peace.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yup, pndm points out the more likely scenario--that he'll "choose you" but jerk you around for months/years as he "tries" to control his drinking. And, as she points out, he might even mean it, but have no real desire to quit drinking for good, which is what it takes to recover. In that case, you could be strung along for a very long time, indeed.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
Hi Spatz,
One of the best definitions I have ever read of what constitutes an alcoholic may not be a typical textbook definition, but it makes a lot of sense to me.
I found it on the Marriage Builders website. It reads ...
--------
"What is an alcoholic? My definition of an alcoholic is someone who cannot follow the Policy of Joint Agreement because of their craving for alcohol. If your drinking in any form bothers your spouse, and you cannot or will not give it up for his or her sake, I consider you an alcoholic because alcohol is more important to you than the feelings of your spouse. "
--------
This section is also spot on ...
--------
" My job as a marriage counselor begins after successful treatment and sobriety. If the addicted spouse refuses treatment, then I direct the unaddicted spouse to Alanon or some other support group for spouses of alcoholics. Sometimes, I encourage an intervention.
That's what I learned to do after discovering that an alcoholic is so much in love with alcohol, that while in the state of addiction, there is no way for them to consider their spouse's feelings whenever they make decisions, a necessary condition for a great marriage. Alcohol always comes first, even when it is at the spouse's expense. "
--------
An explanation of the Policy Of Joint Agreement is here ...
The Policy of Joint Agreement
There are 3 articles about spouses drinking here ...
Alcoholic Spouse #1
Alcoholic Spouse #2
Alcoholic Spouse #3
One of the best definitions I have ever read of what constitutes an alcoholic may not be a typical textbook definition, but it makes a lot of sense to me.
I found it on the Marriage Builders website. It reads ...
--------
"What is an alcoholic? My definition of an alcoholic is someone who cannot follow the Policy of Joint Agreement because of their craving for alcohol. If your drinking in any form bothers your spouse, and you cannot or will not give it up for his or her sake, I consider you an alcoholic because alcohol is more important to you than the feelings of your spouse. "
--------
This section is also spot on ...
--------
" My job as a marriage counselor begins after successful treatment and sobriety. If the addicted spouse refuses treatment, then I direct the unaddicted spouse to Alanon or some other support group for spouses of alcoholics. Sometimes, I encourage an intervention.
That's what I learned to do after discovering that an alcoholic is so much in love with alcohol, that while in the state of addiction, there is no way for them to consider their spouse's feelings whenever they make decisions, a necessary condition for a great marriage. Alcohol always comes first, even when it is at the spouse's expense. "
--------
An explanation of the Policy Of Joint Agreement is here ...
The Policy of Joint Agreement
There are 3 articles about spouses drinking here ...
Alcoholic Spouse #1
Alcoholic Spouse #2
Alcoholic Spouse #3
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