His New Sober Attitude. Normal?
 

He's been sober for four weeks now. :)
It's been going pretty well. I'll admit his behaviour at times can be a little unsettling, but I know that's my own problem. He's not doing anything wrong or bad. You can tell he's just trying to adjust to himself and figure things out.

We're not being very intimate together, and some days I feel like he's trying to get away from me. It upsets me but I'm also keeping busy focusing on myself, and trying to be understanding that he's staring his demons in the face and holding strong.

His new attitude is a little puzzling to me though. I don't know if it's healthy or not. By his comments it seems that he now despises alcohol. He makes comments about "stupid drunks" constantly. He talks about drinking as though it is very stupid and almost acts like he's never done it. If someone is noticeably drunk (a neighbour or anyone really) he'll make a comment.

He got stopped by a ride program yesterday. Told me about it as soon as he got home and said "they asked if I had anything to drink tonight and I told them I don't drink." He's never been stopped by one before. He said it felt good telling them that.

He works with three alcoholics. His main crew at work (including his head supervisor) are all A's. He's gone out drinking with them many times in the past few years and has drank on the job with them. They laughed at him when he said he doesn't drink anymore and persistently ask him out to drink or call him at home to go out for drinks. One co-worker drunk dials him often. He rolls his eyes and doesn't answer. His workplace has always been unprofessional with the same issues- lack of safety, terribly organized, guys just having pissing contests trying to out do one another, under staffed... now he's talking about pursuing other careers. I'm sure he has more clarity, and these things are bothering him now or he may just want to be away from these people. He calls his co-workers dumb drunks all the time.

His attitude toward alcohol is filled with hatred. Anyone drinking is apparently an idiot.

Is that normal in recovery? Is it healthy?

Just looking for people's thoughts and opinions.

I don't think it's indicative of much of anything. It sounds a bit like he's trying to reinforce the "I don't drink and that's great" mindset, which is a good thing. A bit of compassion might be better, but he's not working a 12-Step program (which would promote that).

My guess is that this is a phase and it will pass.

at a month sober most alcoholics still don't know their @ss from a hole in the ground their entire world has been tossed upside down....someone took away their crutch.....and they stagger forward looking like zombies.......

And I imagine, without knowing it that he is also being reflective and reminding himself how he used to be. I try very hard not to even talk about it, but people always comment on their own drinking nowadays around me, a few apologized! Not necessary and it stops when I don't comment......

I choose not to comment. I easily make the connection in my brain and think "yeah, that's what you used to be like," but saying it out loud would benefit no one.
He knows. I don't have to say it.

Kissedbyfire, that's great he's 4 weeks sober and things are better for both of you.

In time with recovery, it's common to see alcohol as poison. It's how I see it now. Usually that happens with a recovery plan and time. But like Lexie says, he may be reinforcing (or tring on) his "I don't drink" vibe. Maybe self righteousness is how he deals with being surrounded by alcoholics right now. It wouldn't surprise me at all if they try really hard to get him back in their "fold." His sobriety is bound to be unsettling to them, because it forces them to give their drinking a little thought.

In general, I think that self-righteousness (and judgement) is a trait in the newly reformed....
No matter what the subject is.....

I agree - it's not a gauge of anything & those that do go through this likely do so for a myriad of personal reasons.

In my observation, when RAH had this opinion/mindset it was during the time he was still looking for ways to qualify himself as terminally unique & was staying sober but not working on recovering. His intolerance & judgment for others was a type of projection related to how he felt about himself. (Or maybe how he was trying to NOT feel about himself is more accurate?) It was really just a degree of difference from the height of his drinking when he surrounded himself with people that he considered "bigger drunks" or "worse" than him in some way.

I didn't really think much of it only because he was FULL of shifting moods & opinions & almost as unpredictable in early recovery as he had been when he drank heavily, honestly. And I had a LOT going on with my own side of things - more than enough.

After he committed to recovery, this was another one of the areas where I saw a change in attitude from him- more tolerance & way, way less judgment toward this & many other things.

THIS...^^^^^

My XAH quit on his own several times during our marriage. Each time he adopted almost an attitude of disgust with people who were "below him" and drank...

He did say one time that he was angry that these people could do it--so I think he had to demonize it to keep getting through the days.

I have no idea if my X is sober now, but he never made it when we were together (almost 20 years).

Given my experience, I wouldn't be shocked if yours ends up drinking again. It's just so hard to do it without help while carrying that disgust and anger---but people have done it and worked through it, so it's not impossible!

When my XABF quit and sobered up (with AA), and I could tell he was serious about truly recovering...he didn't have this attitude.

I only share this because in my experience my XAH never made it through that stage, and I was hopeful every time--and it would crush me. I know you're taking care of you. Please keep doing that and as they say--more will be revealed.

LMAO!! Oh so true! I was one of those zombies staggering about. Yes that is just how it feels!

Took me a couple years to stop being a confused zombie!

Some people seem to HAVE to have that kind of attitude when recovering from an addiction. When my AH quit smoking several years ago, he used to disparage anyone he saw smoking - this went on for at least a couple of months. Now, he rarely comments on it, other than to express gratitude that he is no longer tied to that particular habit.

I'm an alcoholic and have had a bit of this kind of reaction in the past....not normally after 30 days though. I remember one stint where, after a year or so, I would quietly look down on drunk people. It was egotistical and arrogant. I know better now. I guess I did this to fool myself...sick thinking in the end.

I now try to view everyone with compassion and non judgement. Not just alcoholics....everyone. Non addicts are as faulted as addicts. No one is perfect. We are all a mix of good and not so good. All of us.

This can also be reverse psychology. Its hard to admit the things we did when drinking. Harder yet to truly face and accept them. By judging others and being 'better than' he could be maintaining his denial. One cornerstone of recovery is learning that we only control our own behavior and reactions...this goes for everyone, not just addicts. Maybe by focusing his disgust on other drunks, he's avoiding his disgust with himself.

I think this is fairly common actually. In my outpatient recovery group people took this posture often. Our counselor usually talked them through it (sometimes harshly). He considered it a sign that maybe something wasn't quite right in their recovery mindset. These were all people who were very newly sober. 30 days is extremely early in recovery.

But I was also this way in early recovery more to convince myself and reinforce that drinking was a bad thing...for me.

Thank you everyone for your posts regarding this.
I'm understanding that his behaviour is more of a reflection or deflection of him reflecting on himself.