Expanding

I feel like I'm just floating around without an anchor. That house gave me a place I "belonged" and now without that I feel like a leaf in the wind. I think that's what I was looking for with xabf. Even though I wasn't happy I stuck it out because I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere. I'm realizing most of my friends aren't really friends, my family is estranged and still in denial, I lost the most significant romantic relationship I have had in my life and then I sold my home.

I'm feeling like I don't have a place in this world. I'm so used to being "his girlfriend", a "home owner", a member of "that family", and part of "that friend group"... my entire life dismantled. Some parts of it were never there so part of this shock is accepting that reality. A shift in my perception rocked my entire world and unraveled it from the inside out. I am really starting all over again and while this is what I wanted I feel rejected by everything and everyone.

I went out last night and had one mixed drink and two beers. I feel like absolute crap today, physically, mentally and emotionally. To think people do this all the time... drink again to mask how this feels and wake up feeling worse... repeat.. I wonder why anyone drinks at all. It's feeling like it's not worth it at all lately.

I feel like I'm surrounded by negativity and it's become increasingly difficult to hold on to myself. I thought the selling of the house was going to be a swift cutting of the last cord and I'd feel amazing and wonderful and free but now that I am people look different to me now... just so much more negative than I realized before... maybe another shift in perception? Defeatists, shooting things down before they have a chance to play out, talking down, gossiping, complaining... it's rampant and I feel like it's all around me.

It brings me back to my initial thought, if it wasn't what I wanted why does it feel like rejection?

Maudcat

You sound sad, like you are mourning something. Loss of the house? Loss of the xbf? Loss of the vision you had for you, your SO and the dwelling in which you lived? A good-sized chapter in your life has come to an end. It's right and just that you have emotions about it. Feel them, sit with them,, then move on. You will know when you can. Remember where you were and who you were. You are not that person any more. You are more than. Good luck. Peace.

dandylion

When one door closes...another door opens....BUT---it sure does feel weird in the hallway!!

This is a normal feeling for where you are, right now....but that is going to change....
Hang on...and keep going forward!

By the way....You need to not be around the type of people you describe...
Not all people are like that.....
You can choose to be around healthy, happy, positive people..

You know...when an alcoholic or addict goes into recovery..they are told to change their playground and change their playmates.....
Same goes for us....the people that we surround ourselves with make an enormous difference.....

AnvilheadII

it's possible you are still relying on EXTERNAL cues to define your internal landscape. what it meant to have the tag of somebody's girlfriend, or some house's owner. and now suspecting that other's have changed their VIEW of you because of the changes you have made.

that is not unusual.....as very small children we RELY on the cues of others, namely our parents, to tell us we are ok. babies gaze into their mother's eyes, learn to mimic smiles, because smiles on the faces of the big people means all is well. we look to our teachers, our coaches, our troop leader, ballet instructor.......when we become employable, we look to our bosses to make sure we're doing it right and that they are pleased with our production.

however somewhere along the way we are supposed to develop a true sense of SELF...a sense of autonomy.....a sense of being OK, AS IS. often no one showed us what that looks like......no one ever said I BELIEVE IN YOU.

so we get to start that journey for ourselves. many start because of some trauma or critical life event. some because all that we relied upon has failed us. some start that journey by finding SR....or Alanon.....or ACOA.....

LexieCat

I think Anvil is exactly right. I know I ALWAYS oriented myself in the world in terms of external things. I'm still that way, to some extent, in terms of my career (or really, I should say, "my former career"--I still tend to mention first the job I retired from, since I still feel it defines me). But as far as friends, or a partner go, I have individual friends rather than "group" friends. I was just commenting to someone I met in Albuquerque last week, that one of the cool things about traveling alone is that I'm much more likely to have interesting conversations with the shopkeepers, gallery owners, artists when I'm by myself than when I'm with someone else.

It's definitely an adjustment, but not a terribly difficult one--especially as you start to see the upside to "flying solo."