How do you forgive?
 

I've recently started going to an al-anon meeting close to me and I'm considering trying an acoa meeting as well. My question is how do you forgive people who've behaved badly towards you?

I grew up with alcoholic parents and I find the violence and mental abuse that I went through so very hard to forgive. I got sober myself a few years ago through AA but it hasn't really helped alleviate the anger and disbelief I still feel towards my parents. Like, I wake up most mornings with particular incidents running through my head. My counsellor said that at some point, I'd forgive them. Not because I was condoning what they did but for my own peace of mind. Which makes me wonder if I'm holding onto this anger for a reason? They've never gotten sober or asked my forgiveness, which maybe makes it harder. They just think that their method is just how you raise children. I do have PTSD so I know I'll always have some things that trigger me but I'd love to let go of this anger but it really isn't serving me in any way. :headbange

I don't know that you'd ever really forgive that kind of upbringing, but the fact that you're still dwelling on it means it's interfering with your peace of mind and possibly stopping you moving past that feeling to your own life goal. I agree that letting go,rather than forgiveness, would free you from reliving your childhood every day.

If you've been diagnosed with PTSD then there are some specialised treatments available (sorry I can't remember what it's called) which involve reliving traumatic incidents in a controlled way, with certain eye movements like you're being hypnotised. Your therapist will know about it. It sounds dodgy but my psychologist helped me use it to get past some emotional trauma, and to both of our surprise it worked.

Perhaps if you can free yourself from reliving your past daily you may find it easier to forgive than carry the burden of anger, but start with the little things first. The best outcome might involve pitying your parents for their angry nasty lives.

Hello elihoping,

I'll qualify this by saying that I did not grow up in an abusive home.

In my experience, my forgiving someone is something I do for myself. Sometimes, working to forgive someone is ongoing. Still, I do it for me because if I don't, I remain in a prison of my own pain and anger. Forgiveness doesn't even mean saying "I forgive you" to someone whom you never want to be around again. But it can be helpful to say it out loud in the privacy of your own space.

Sometimes what helps me to forgive is to try to understand why someone has done what they have done. In the case of your parents...they are likely perpetuating what was done to them when they were children. They may simply not know any better, even if it is very wrong.

And it is wrong...you did not deserve to be abused. Not at all!

I hope you can keep working with your therapist! You deserve a peaceful and joy-filled life!!

The Big Book of AA helped me immensely with finding a way to understand and actually be able to put forgiveness into practice (not necessarily perfection :c005: ).

Thru working the 12 Steps, I became fully aware of my Self-Will-Run-Riot, and my Instincts-Out-Of-Control, and the completely BLIND self-justification I lived in, which I discovered was inherent in my base Self-Nature.

Thru working the 12 Steps, I was able to not only recognize all of this within myself ... I was led thru a process wherein I was able to let go of all this (well, enough of it to get Free from this base Self Nature I despised, when I clearly saw it in myself) ... I also discovered the Spiritual Nature inherent in me, and learned thru the work and practicing of the principles in the 12 Step program, to live and function (for the most part) from this Spiritual Nature. I now see myself and everyone else, and interact/react with others, in a completely new way. The transformation within me is amazing to me.

Now, forgiveness is inherent in me as I see that everyone has this base Self Nature that is the inherent force driving them, and just like me, they are inherently BLIND to their behavior. Back in the 70's there was a pop-psychology book titled, I'm OK, You're OK. I now live by the guiding understand that in our inherent Base Self Nature ... I'm Sick, You're Sick.

I am thus Free from holding on and perpetuating self-destructive resentments done by people too sick inside to realize they too have this wonderful Spiritual Nature inherent in them, that operating out of their base Self nature they are continually heaping tons of $#!+ on themselves and keep their Spiritual Nature completely buried under their own $#!+ behavior.

Also ... I can now actually be constructive (if even possible with many 'Self-Sick' people) by being able to convey something that can point them to their Spiritual Nature inherent within, or at the very least, reflect the Spiritual Nature operating in me, that allows me to be FREE, even if in spite of their $#!+.

RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE :tyou

A former pastor talked of these steps to forgiveness:

1. "What you did to me was not ok then, and it is not okay now."

2. " I give you permission to rejoin the human race."

To be honest, I can't remember all the other steps, but thought these might be helpful.

Forgiveness does not always include having anything to do with those people. Sometimes you just can't.

This^ is exactly what hung me up on forgiveness for so long. I could not see any way in which forgiving was not saying "hey, it's alright, it doesn't matter, it wasn't that big of a deal." And I emphatically did not feel that way, nor did I WANT to feel that way! Not towards XAH, not towards abusive stepfather of my childhood, not towards mother who didn't stand up for me then or believe me later--this was real damage, not petty insults, and although I knew I was "supposed to" forgive, I really wasn't willing.

I wasn't even willing to be willing, like they say in the Program!

Now, it's not like I have this whole forgiveness thing nailed or anything, but it feels like lately there have been a bunch of holes poked in the dam I built against it and the waters are rushing through w/increasing force.

Some of the places I've found help have been in reading/listening to Louise Hay, reading Buddhist or Buddhist-oriented materials (One Breath at a Time by Kevin Griffin most recently), a book called Triumph of the Heart by Megan Bettancourt, a book called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson, guided meditation on the specific topic of forgiveness as well as on other topics, and massage/reiki from a wonderful practitioner. I don't really know that I can explain exactly how all this is coalescing in my mind and heart; I only know that changes are taking place.

In the end, I think all I can tell you is that if you continue to seek a road to forgiveness, you will find one. It might be longer or shorter, more direct or more winding, than the one I've found. But I think the act of looking for that road is what's important, and I have absolute faith that you will indeed find it, and it will take you where you need to go.

http://s9.postimg.org/ffj7gnh67/journey2.png

Yeah, I think a lot of it boils down to recognizing we are all damaged people. We don't always see the damage someone else has suffered that makes them the way they are. Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own actions, but one of the virtues of the Steps is that it helps us see how we have all wronged others--maybe not in the same way, or to the same degree, but we have all fallen short.

In my experience, forgiveness has been very freeing. I'm just putting down my own burden, and letting go of the need for someone else to "pay" for what they did to me. Let the universe take care of other people's consequences. It's not up to me to do it.

Elihoping-

I loved a lot of what was shared in the other post.

A book that helped me a lot was a book called "How Can I Forgive You, and the Freedom Not To." The author is Janis Abrahm Spring and her background is working with affairs but this book is more general. Also a book called "The Dance of Anger," by Harriet Lerner helped me.

I am coming up on six years divorced and a little longer separated. I would say I am just in the last few months consistently in a place of forgiveness about the relationship that got me here, and in all honestly that relationship takes up only a small spot in my life at this point. It took time though.....way longer than I anticipated. Beating myself up about not being able to forgive him did not help.

I also have to admit that I was ANGRY, for a long time (three years) about my ex, about my family (no abuse but some emotional connection missing), and about a lot of my previous ways of "being" in the world.

I did not have a lot of anger previously......because I stuffed it down. I had to learn that it was okay to have it, to be in it when it showed up.....and to have faith that it would dissipate over time. It took a while but I think I have a much more appropriate relationship with anger at this time.....and the experience of learning about anger, and letting it go has let me be at peace and forgive.

Beg gentle with you.

Letting go of resentment is diffrent to forgiving.

There are some things that I couldn't forgive, so I handed that over to my HP to deal with. There was no way I could know if the person I was thinking about was still alive; consumed by guilt about their actions; merrily continuing to behave in exactly the same way. So I decided it wasn't something I needed to wrestle with, and allow head space.

I was also consumed by the feeling that if I let go of the resentment, that would be like saying what happened was okay. I used a really great book to do some Inner Child work, which helped me to understand that there were ways in which I could, d move on, without feeling like I was abandoning that child who I was, and being somehow dismissive of what happened and how she felt. I did what the book suggested, and continue to do inner child work. Instead of abandoning the inner child, I rescued her. I take her on outings, and I'm starting to think of, and remember her, with a fondness that I never felt before, truth be told. Me and my inner child don't need to keep punishing ourself for something that someone else did. And that's what carrying resentments is like. Drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. The relief I felt once I'd finally manager to let it go was immense. No more night time brooding, rage and despair . No more questioning and circular thinking. Just a simple decision to move on and allow myself to be happy.

Why? Because it's good for you.

How, understand why things happen, be grateful for what you have.

A prince or princess who is raised with luxuries is no more entitled to happiness than a drug baby. You get what you get, and you don't get upset.

But why? The body is constantly reacting your state of mind, your feelings. Through the basics of fight or flight, the body is flooded with chemicals that shut down your ability to think rationally. With anger, you can hate and hurt. Otherwise, the body likes to be in a more claim and happy condition.

If you don't forgive, the anger is like emotional cancer, eating away at your soul, mind, and heart.

The alcoholics did the best they could against the disease, social circumstances, etc.

But forgive for yourself. There is no better reason.

This thread is from another forum, but you may find it relevant.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ve-her-no.html

Mike :)

"I got sober myself a few years ago through AA "
Pretty cool I say.
Hope you learn to let go of the rage and anger.... You can !

you don't HAVE to forgive.....if you don't feel, you don't FEEL it. and you may NEVER feel it......and that is ok. for-give means you GIVE something of yourself - a hurt, a resentment, an unmet expectation - and it must be given freely FOR a purpose. and if we are not ready to give those things up? that is our RIGHT.

however, those hurts and resentments we hold on to, gain power, as we bring a PAST pain into our PRESENT. and they continue to hurt us until we decide to LET THEM GO.

I was able to forgive when I realized that my parents were also victimized in their childhoods. It's usually generational. They really did do the best they could. If they could have done better..they would have and they loved you the only way they knew how. Pent up destructive emotions could be adding to your PTSD. Ask for the willingness to forgive (let go) of justified anger so you can cut the attachment and be free.

I like what Anvilhead said here although I will add a bit that a monk once told me:

"The first step towards forgiveness is acknowledging you are not ready."

This was powerful for me as it helped me to be okay with where I was and kinda recognized that there would/could be a time.

I also choose to believe that people do the best they can and sometimes their best is pretty darn crappy.

I went no contact with my father due to childhood abuses done to me, physically and emotionally. I couldn't forgive him for the longest time, 20 years. I don't know if I have or ever will completely forgive him.
When I started having my children I realized I'm different maybe he was to. I let the past go and stay in the past. IMO, we will never have as close of relationship as if the abuse never happened and I don't completely trust him. I'm able to be cordial and give a relationship a start. That may be all our relationship will ever be. You can define the extent of your relationships.

The answer is in the 12 Steps which are designed to alleviate resentments. I've been sober quite a while now and find the tenth step invaluable. Whenever a resentment pops up I ask myself: "what's MY part in this?" In the case of a codependent relationship I picked an alcoholic and stayed much longer than I should have. Someone says something hurtful: well, perhaps this person shouldn't be in my life, or I'm intolerant of people who are simply screwed up. In the end I am responsible for my thoughts, words and actions.

Not sure I am on board with #2. It's really not ours to say they get to rejoin. They need to feel like they can rejoin.

#1 I love. My RAW (sober since 2009) asked for my forgiveness after everything (years of drinking, prolonged affair with my best friend, suicide attempt). I told her forgiveness was found in her relationship with her god. I would never be good with what she put me and our family through. All I could do was make a promise I would try not to dwell on the past, give her a chance to redeem herself and not hold grudges that hinder our marital healing.

"If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love."

Forgiving doesn't have to absolve them of the wrongs. Forgiving is for you to let go of what they did to you. I forgave my ex when I realized that none of this was about me. She has an addiction. It has control over normal thought processes.

That isn't about you or I. You just let it go and spend your energy on you.

That's the closest or best I can do to forgive.

Nothing she did can be undone. But that doesn't mean I have to live with it inside me.