What do we do when we start missing our alcoholic?
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Join Date: Dec 2015
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What do we do when we start missing our alcoholic?
This came completely out of the blue, I had been doing fine until some days ago. Itīs been six months since I broke up with axbf and I was at peace with that decision, just couldnīt deal with the chaos any longer!
The last few months Iīve been keeping myself busy with things like home improvements, changes in eating habits (among other things I now make my own bread, which is very relaxing) and just being quiet at home by myself or with my kids and pets.
But now Iīm suddenly full of memories about the good things about xabf. I particularly miss the physical contact, or when we were together but not talking, just looking in each others eyes. I know these moments were few and far between but they seem so important now! Am I blurring out all the bad (which was a lot)? I have no intention whatsoever to contact him but I am a bit concerned Iīm not seeing things clearly. Also, if he were to contact me Iīm quite certain I wont be able to remain firm emotionally.
Has anyone else felt like this? I have no idea how to deal with this and it seems so insane to miss someone who was so damaging to me.
The last few months Iīve been keeping myself busy with things like home improvements, changes in eating habits (among other things I now make my own bread, which is very relaxing) and just being quiet at home by myself or with my kids and pets.
But now Iīm suddenly full of memories about the good things about xabf. I particularly miss the physical contact, or when we were together but not talking, just looking in each others eyes. I know these moments were few and far between but they seem so important now! Am I blurring out all the bad (which was a lot)? I have no intention whatsoever to contact him but I am a bit concerned Iīm not seeing things clearly. Also, if he were to contact me Iīm quite certain I wont be able to remain firm emotionally.
Has anyone else felt like this? I have no idea how to deal with this and it seems so insane to miss someone who was so damaging to me.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
I think maybe you miss being with someone. Doesn't mean it has to be him you miss, but you don't have any other point of reference. You just are feeling alone.
The day mine packed up her last bit of stuff and left was the beginning of me never missing any of it. But I did enjoy "MYSELF" for over a year. Happily.
Then you find you again. And then you might be ready to find someone else again.
And when you do, trust me, you won't even think about what you missed with him.
The day mine packed up her last bit of stuff and left was the beginning of me never missing any of it. But I did enjoy "MYSELF" for over a year. Happily.
Then you find you again. And then you might be ready to find someone else again.
And when you do, trust me, you won't even think about what you missed with him.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I just read this article about 15 mins ago!!
How to Quit Your Addiction to Your Ex:
https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/artic...broadlyfbusads
How to Quit Your Addiction to Your Ex:
https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/artic...broadlyfbusads
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
Thanks for that, Firesprite! I also read the following which was linked in the post
https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/artic...nally-attached
which was a bit commitment-phobic but the interesting part was that it mentioned staring into each others eyes is a way to achieve an emotional bond and this is exactly what xabf used to do with me, especially in the beginning. He is such an expert manipulator, Iīm sure this was one of his techniques. Aaargh! Feeling manipulated really is a turn-off, thank you that really helps.
https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/artic...nally-attached
which was a bit commitment-phobic but the interesting part was that it mentioned staring into each others eyes is a way to achieve an emotional bond and this is exactly what xabf used to do with me, especially in the beginning. He is such an expert manipulator, Iīm sure this was one of his techniques. Aaargh! Feeling manipulated really is a turn-off, thank you that really helps.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
bluelily, I have a lot of those little moments and every once in a while a big giant emotional wave! I live in the house where we lived together for over 20 years, and there is scarcely a square foot that doesn't hold some kind of memory. Something like realizing his handwriting is on the tabs of the dividers in my file cabinet used to be able to jangle my heart and mind for a while.
I heard about something called "urge surfing", was curious, and then read more. What I've been working with is sort of that--noticing that I am having a moment of sadness/pain/missing XAH and just watching the memory and the feelings arise. I feel them but do not take any action, and then watch as they pass away again (or more often, suddenly notice that they are gone w/o my ever noticing when they ended).
When the moment has passed and I feel on solid ground again, I can then decide whether to take action or not and if so, what action--should I pull out those tabs and re-write new ones, or is it not really that big a deal after all? Sometimes I do decide to take an action, sometimes I decide no, and sometimes I decide not now. But I'm able to decide that rationally, not driven by fear or anger or sorrow or loneliness.
About a year and a half ago, after I'd filed for separation but before the eventual divorce and while I was mulling whether to return to my maiden name or keep my married one, I had an experience during a massage/energy work session that felt pretty powerful to me. The message I received was that XAH and I had spent 20+ years together, and for better or worse, that time had shaped who I was. I felt that keeping my married name would be a symbol of integrating all that had happened and the things I had learned during that time with whatever the present and future would hold for me, where returning to my maiden name would be in some way denying that time and its lessons.
Of course, all this^^ is purely MY experience, from a long relationship that absolutely did have its good parts. It's certainly not to say that this would apply to a relationship of a year, to an abusive relationship, or to one that has degenerated so far that any good times are only a far-distant memory. It's just my own specific viewpoint that I'm talking about here. I don't know if you'll find this helpful or not.
And of course, doing things that help to grow you is going to be important too, everything from a lush bubble bath to a visit to a planetarium to checking out a Meetups group to learning an art or craft...For me, it's been a big deal to be reminded that I am more capable, smart and creative than I gave myself credit for for an awful long time, and those are some of the things that have helped me.
I heard about something called "urge surfing", was curious, and then read more. What I've been working with is sort of that--noticing that I am having a moment of sadness/pain/missing XAH and just watching the memory and the feelings arise. I feel them but do not take any action, and then watch as they pass away again (or more often, suddenly notice that they are gone w/o my ever noticing when they ended).
When the moment has passed and I feel on solid ground again, I can then decide whether to take action or not and if so, what action--should I pull out those tabs and re-write new ones, or is it not really that big a deal after all? Sometimes I do decide to take an action, sometimes I decide no, and sometimes I decide not now. But I'm able to decide that rationally, not driven by fear or anger or sorrow or loneliness.
About a year and a half ago, after I'd filed for separation but before the eventual divorce and while I was mulling whether to return to my maiden name or keep my married one, I had an experience during a massage/energy work session that felt pretty powerful to me. The message I received was that XAH and I had spent 20+ years together, and for better or worse, that time had shaped who I was. I felt that keeping my married name would be a symbol of integrating all that had happened and the things I had learned during that time with whatever the present and future would hold for me, where returning to my maiden name would be in some way denying that time and its lessons.
Of course, all this^^ is purely MY experience, from a long relationship that absolutely did have its good parts. It's certainly not to say that this would apply to a relationship of a year, to an abusive relationship, or to one that has degenerated so far that any good times are only a far-distant memory. It's just my own specific viewpoint that I'm talking about here. I don't know if you'll find this helpful or not.
And of course, doing things that help to grow you is going to be important too, everything from a lush bubble bath to a visit to a planetarium to checking out a Meetups group to learning an art or craft...For me, it's been a big deal to be reminded that I am more capable, smart and creative than I gave myself credit for for an awful long time, and those are some of the things that have helped me.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Big Hugs Bluelily!
I absolutely have feelings like this too... they come and go.
I think that it's okay to remember the good moments and the good things about our X's, because there were plenty. It wasn't all bad, right?
I let my mind drift to the good memories sometimes, and I cry, and then I keep moving on, as best I can....
It sounds like you are doing a lot of good things for yourself, so keep doing that, and these feelings should pass, I'm sure
I absolutely have feelings like this too... they come and go.
I think that it's okay to remember the good moments and the good things about our X's, because there were plenty. It wasn't all bad, right?
I let my mind drift to the good memories sometimes, and I cry, and then I keep moving on, as best I can....
It sounds like you are doing a lot of good things for yourself, so keep doing that, and these feelings should pass, I'm sure
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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BL didn't you just recently end a prolonged court situation with your -ex? It's possible you were holding a lot of feelings in check while you were still in the limbo of wondering what was in store. It seems like a perfectly normal time for there to be a flood of pent up feelings -- good and bad -- now that there has been something of a resolution.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 120
Fridays are particularity hard for me.
That was our date night and we looked forward to it all week. We worked in the same building so she would swing by on her break and visit me and discuss where we'd eat, what movie we'd watch etc etc. When it was cool enough we'd have a fire in the firepit and listen to music....and drink, of course. Sometimes friends would come over and stay up to the wee hours of the next morning.
Looking back, the whole thing was built around drinking. Still fun though, "if only she could have moderated"....
I'm with a new lady now and engaged(!). And we have our own Friday nights together. Just as fun and loving, but without the drinking. But I can't help but to miss the old times.
That was our date night and we looked forward to it all week. We worked in the same building so she would swing by on her break and visit me and discuss where we'd eat, what movie we'd watch etc etc. When it was cool enough we'd have a fire in the firepit and listen to music....and drink, of course. Sometimes friends would come over and stay up to the wee hours of the next morning.
Looking back, the whole thing was built around drinking. Still fun though, "if only she could have moderated"....
I'm with a new lady now and engaged(!). And we have our own Friday nights together. Just as fun and loving, but without the drinking. But I can't help but to miss the old times.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Wow Nero, CONGRATS!!!
Bluelily - i get sentimental for the stuff that was good here and there. It's ok - there WERE good things, and there will be good things again with someone else. It's the feelings we're after...not so much the last person we had them with I think. And if we question THAT part, coming back here to read my old posts, and reading my journaled list of umm...'incident's brings me right back to earth on that matter.
Best to you!
Bluelily - i get sentimental for the stuff that was good here and there. It's ok - there WERE good things, and there will be good things again with someone else. It's the feelings we're after...not so much the last person we had them with I think. And if we question THAT part, coming back here to read my old posts, and reading my journaled list of umm...'incident's brings me right back to earth on that matter.
Best to you!
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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Bluelily, I don't let myself make decisions about anything if I can help it while I'm feeling any emotional extreme. I wait for that to pass and then the next morning I'll make the decision. Otherwise I end up somehow unhappy as it was made too rapidly under the influence of an extreme situation.
Nero, a big congratulations. I'm so happy for you
Nero, a big congratulations. I'm so happy for you
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Join Date: Dec 2015
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Thanks everyone for your support and youīre right - itīs best to sit with the emotion and ride it out. It makes a lot of sense that what I miss is the feeling of being with someone, not with this particular person because I didnīt much like him in the end.
Yesterday I went to a party although I didnīt feel like it and ended up having a really good time. At one moment it crossed my mind that if I had gone with xabf it wouldīve been a complete disaster because I wouldīve been anxious heīd drink all the alcohol and behave like a complete jerk (which he always did when we went to some event with my friends, not so much with his). So that was a relief.
Iīm also happy about not taking any action until the feeling has gone, I think thatīs a good thing about being a bit older, I used to be much more impulsive in my 20s. It wouldīve been horrible if Iīd done anything yesterday, today is a new peaceful day and I feel back on track!
Also Congrats Nero, so happy for you!
Yesterday I went to a party although I didnīt feel like it and ended up having a really good time. At one moment it crossed my mind that if I had gone with xabf it wouldīve been a complete disaster because I wouldīve been anxious heīd drink all the alcohol and behave like a complete jerk (which he always did when we went to some event with my friends, not so much with his). So that was a relief.
Iīm also happy about not taking any action until the feeling has gone, I think thatīs a good thing about being a bit older, I used to be much more impulsive in my 20s. It wouldīve been horrible if Iīd done anything yesterday, today is a new peaceful day and I feel back on track!
Also Congrats Nero, so happy for you!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Originally Posted by bluelily 
I think thatīs a good thing about being a bit older, I used to be much more impulsive in my 20s.
And it really doesn't have to get ugly, either. I got rather irritated today with a supervisor at my credit card company, who kept saying he "couldn't promise" he could adjust something they messed up with my deferred financing. I kept repeating myself, because clearly he wasn't getting it. I finally emailed him the receipt for the transaction in question, and I kept my mouth shut while he processed the information and (rather meekly, because he could clearly see I was RIGHT) made the correction. I calmly thanked him without rubbing it in.
No more getting jerked around for THIS old lady!
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I wrote down the rough stuff we went through- and the bad stuff he did- and it helped- had it on a little piece of paper- a reminder-I could not live like that anymore-loved him- good guy with a bad disease-who refused help- and eventually I saw " how it was not how I wanted it to be...." the real deal was not the white picket fence life- I could not do it anymore......
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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bluelily (and anyone else who struggles w/missing their A)--today was one of those days for me. It's kind of a gray day, fall coming on, which always sees me a little down anyway. I was prepping a bunch of veggies and other stuff for the coming week (cooking ahead keeps me from eating junk...) this afternoon. Saturdays used to always be an evening where I'd make something a little bit special for dinner and we'd have a Netflix movie to watch w/dinner, maybe something tasty for dessert. I'd typically put on some music while I cooked and he'd be upstairs in his airplane modeling room.
Well, doing food prep on a Saturday afternoon, w/some music, I got to thinking about good times we'd had and at one point, the dam just burst. I sat down on the kitchen floor and cried my heart out while my houndies snooted at me and wondered what was wrong w/mom. Eventually I got "cried out" and sat there petting my furry friends, then stood up and did the dishes. I'm OK. It passed. It was painful but I lived thru it. And every single time that happens, it makes me more confident that I'm going to continue living thru it, every single time.
Maybe there will come a time when it doesn't happen at all anymore. And maybe not. But no matter what, it will pass and I will live thru it.
Anybody who has ever read "Dune" by Frank Herbert will recognize the following quote:
“I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.”
While the original form using the word "fear" certainly applies to us here at SR, I think we could also rewrite that using the words "sadness" or "loneliness" or many other terms. But in the end, only the last 2 lines matter. "Where the sadness has gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Soldier on, my brave warrior friends.
Well, doing food prep on a Saturday afternoon, w/some music, I got to thinking about good times we'd had and at one point, the dam just burst. I sat down on the kitchen floor and cried my heart out while my houndies snooted at me and wondered what was wrong w/mom. Eventually I got "cried out" and sat there petting my furry friends, then stood up and did the dishes. I'm OK. It passed. It was painful but I lived thru it. And every single time that happens, it makes me more confident that I'm going to continue living thru it, every single time.
Maybe there will come a time when it doesn't happen at all anymore. And maybe not. But no matter what, it will pass and I will live thru it.
Anybody who has ever read "Dune" by Frank Herbert will recognize the following quote:
“I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.”
While the original form using the word "fear" certainly applies to us here at SR, I think we could also rewrite that using the words "sadness" or "loneliness" or many other terms. But in the end, only the last 2 lines matter. "Where the sadness has gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Soldier on, my brave warrior friends.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: New York
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Looking at his family's pictures on facebook is very hard for me. I look at the pics of his brother and sister in law and get so sad. I think about how if my exab and I were together, we could have had so much fun hanging out with his brother and sister in law...as two fun couples.
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