mylifeismine

I see some of these excuses from your oh in your posts:

Excuses Alcoholics Make

PuzzledHeart

Circumstances change. People change. And when we make life-altering decisions we often go into it somewhat blind. We can only go with the information that we have.

Everybody has encountered a wrong weather prediction. These folks have studied the weather for years, and they have powerful computers at their disposal and yet everybody knows that there will be a time the predictions are wrong. You expect it to be sunny, and it rains. You cancel a day trip because of bad weather, and it ends up being beautiful.

You can't kick yourself over your past decisions. If you knew that your current circumstances were to be the outcome of your move, I seriously doubt you would have relocated. If she knew, she wouldn't have encouraged it.

Your past prediction does not match current reality. And now you have a choice. You can insist that everything's OK, and pretend that the temperature is 22 C when in reality it's 0. You can stubbornly insist on dressing as if the weather was actually the original forecast , or you can pull out your winter coat.

And it's not being deceitful, it's just what it is. And in her own odd way, she recognizes that. Hasn't she said to you again and again that the relationship is over? You wouldn't be deceitful to her if you ended things. It's what she wanted in the first place.

So who are you deceiving?

AnvilheadII

I feel deceitful suddenly turning around and saying I can't do this anymore.

but this the RIGHT of EVERYONE in a relationship........the freedom to LEAVE when we choose. WHENEVER we choose.

TimeForMe

Poppet, as many others haves aid, please please please think about your children in this. It may help you to go read the ACoA forum. As an ACoA myself, I wish my mother would have gotten us the heck out when we were young.

There is an image I'm sure you can find on Pinterest that says "Sometimes holding on does more damage than letting go." I can't post the image here but the visual really drives the point home.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/123215739783498039/

LexieCat

Exactly. Changing one's mind, or coming to realize something, involves no deceit whatsoever.

Deceit involves lying and trickery. You've never said anything except that you want a good relationship with her. Coming to realize that can never happen isn't deceitful--it's the polar opposite, in fact. It's opening your eyes to the TRUTH and acting in accordance with that truth.

The coins/medallions given out at AA meetings are printed with a quote: "To thine own self be true." (Contrary to popular belief, that's a quote from Hamlet, not the Bible, but it's actually wonderful advice.) You are true to yourself when you stop bending yourself into a pretzel to be what she claims (at any given moment) to want from you. You are true to yourself when you care for yourself and your children at least as much as you do her. You are true to yourself when you decide not to allow this relationship to continue to damage you and your kids.

Think about it.

Bekindalways

Poppet I second everything everyone is saying.

However processing all of this after years of thinking you can make an alcoholic happy is really really hard and takes time. Have you been to an Alanon meeting? You may not be ready for it but going no-contact has been what most of us have had to do.

Big hug!