Soul Searching
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
WHY do you let HER have all the control? let HER call the shots? let HER rewrite your history?
from what you have shared her, she isn't even a nice person......she has NOTHING to offer. zero, zip. except excuses and blame.
THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE HER OR MAKE THINGS BETTER.
except find your strength and leave.
please find EmmyG's post and read it.
from what you have shared her, she isn't even a nice person......she has NOTHING to offer. zero, zip. except excuses and blame.
THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE HER OR MAKE THINGS BETTER.
except find your strength and leave.
please find EmmyG's post and read it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
She's back. I tried to raise the alcohol as an issue. But she just says she hasnt been given the opportunity to do it.
Saying I've been uncaring for years and years. That I've driven her away. Anything I try to explain falls on deaf ears.
She wants to feel loved, she wants praise and appreciation for everything she does, bringing up the kids etc but I can't do this because she barely does anything, not to mention I can't remotely aford to whisk her away.
I can't believe what she says about me stopping doing all the little things, like kissing her good bye etc but that time of my life is also a total blank. I miss all those things I can't believe I withdrew things I loved receiving.
Asking me if she can really be blamed for wanting affection elsewhere (she hasnt) when I've been so cold. Wanting me to agree, wanting me to see Wat I've driven her to.
She says for years she's felt like I don't love her, for years I've been trying to show her I do.
Why am I still fighting for this? She wants me to see everything from her perspective.
Why are all these discussions focused on what I have or haven't done.
She says she can see how her behaviour has affected me but that all stems from me being uncaring 8 years ago and we never discuss her behaviour. It's always what I've done.
She won'ttalk about alcohol, says she hasnt been given the opportunity to deal with it. She drank b4 I met her "that was because I was unhappy" , she drank when I met her "I felt loved for the first time but it was very stressful with the kids and your divorce" she drinks now "that's because I'm so unhappy"
I'm not sure what she wants, says she can't do it anymore but then "you don't want to do this on your own?"
Saying I've been uncaring for years and years. That I've driven her away. Anything I try to explain falls on deaf ears.
She wants to feel loved, she wants praise and appreciation for everything she does, bringing up the kids etc but I can't do this because she barely does anything, not to mention I can't remotely aford to whisk her away.
I can't believe what she says about me stopping doing all the little things, like kissing her good bye etc but that time of my life is also a total blank. I miss all those things I can't believe I withdrew things I loved receiving.
Asking me if she can really be blamed for wanting affection elsewhere (she hasnt) when I've been so cold. Wanting me to agree, wanting me to see Wat I've driven her to.
She says for years she's felt like I don't love her, for years I've been trying to show her I do.
Why am I still fighting for this? She wants me to see everything from her perspective.
Why are all these discussions focused on what I have or haven't done.
She says she can see how her behaviour has affected me but that all stems from me being uncaring 8 years ago and we never discuss her behaviour. It's always what I've done.
She won'ttalk about alcohol, says she hasnt been given the opportunity to deal with it. She drank b4 I met her "that was because I was unhappy" , she drank when I met her "I felt loved for the first time but it was very stressful with the kids and your divorce" she drinks now "that's because I'm so unhappy"
I'm not sure what she wants, says she can't do it anymore but then "you don't want to do this on your own?"
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
She wants you to make her the center of the universe, regardless of how she behaves. YES, she is focusing on you. YES, she wants your wholehearted agreement with everything she says.
There are some relationships that simply CANNOT be--if you stay with her you will be laying your life, and your children's lives, on the altar of this demanding goddess.
There are some relationships that simply CANNOT be--if you stay with her you will be laying your life, and your children's lives, on the altar of this demanding goddess.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
I'm still, trying to save this. I want to make things better so that she that she can sort the alcohol.
I want her to care, to fight for us still it's so confusing, there's something that says she still wants to fix us. I just wish we could talk about the positives about us.
I understand a bit better how she's been feeling, I can't quite see how I was uncaring and unaffectionate.
I love her.
I want her to care, to fight for us still it's so confusing, there's something that says she still wants to fix us. I just wish we could talk about the positives about us.
I understand a bit better how she's been feeling, I can't quite see how I was uncaring and unaffectionate.
I love her.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
"Why am I still fighting for this?"
Excellent question.
I'm going to say two things, and then wish you well...
First, if you were to get hit by a bus tomorrow, would your dying thought be, "I'm so glad I spent my last eight years in that miserable situation"? Doubt it.
Second, it seems that you both know it's over, but you'll stay together for the rest of your lives arguing whose fault that is. Does that make any sense?
I wish you well.
Excellent question.
I'm going to say two things, and then wish you well...
First, if you were to get hit by a bus tomorrow, would your dying thought be, "I'm so glad I spent my last eight years in that miserable situation"? Doubt it.
Second, it seems that you both know it's over, but you'll stay together for the rest of your lives arguing whose fault that is. Does that make any sense?
I wish you well.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Poppet.....not all relationships can be "saved". Not all couples who decide to li nk their lives together are compatible, at baseline.
In fact, almost half of all marriages end in divorce...and some, remain together, unhappily.
Even more so, in second marriages....
There are times when separation and divorce is the only option for a union that doesn't work....
I am sure that nobody started out wanting this to happen...but, it does...
That is just a fact....
You have stated, quite often, that your relationship has had many problems for years....even in addition to the alcoholism....which, apparently, has been there, all along.....Your issues/Her issues/and the alcoholism.....all "baked into the cake"......
As painful as it is....(it always is)....perhaps this is just the reality that you have to face.....?
You certainly would not be the only one to arrive at this station.....
We don't always get to keep those that we "love"
In fact, almost half of all marriages end in divorce...and some, remain together, unhappily.
Even more so, in second marriages....
There are times when separation and divorce is the only option for a union that doesn't work....
I am sure that nobody started out wanting this to happen...but, it does...
That is just a fact....
You have stated, quite often, that your relationship has had many problems for years....even in addition to the alcoholism....which, apparently, has been there, all along.....Your issues/Her issues/and the alcoholism.....all "baked into the cake"......
As painful as it is....(it always is)....perhaps this is just the reality that you have to face.....?
You certainly would not be the only one to arrive at this station.....
We don't always get to keep those that we "love"
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Poppet35 
I want to make things better so that she that she can sort the alcohol.
I've known people in utterly desperate straits who have gotten sober because they wanted their lives not to suck any more. And we've all seen celebrities and others who have everything a person could realistically want in terms of the trappings of success--including a loyal, loving partner--crash and burn as a result of addiction. "Fixing things" will not help her get sober. That's something internal she has to want, and you can't give that to her. She sees her drinking as situational, related to stuff YOU are doing wrong. She doesn't get that she's an alcoholic and would be drinking whether you were there or not.
Actually, I blamed a lot of my drinking on my last relationship, which was a huge source of stress in my life. Much to my surprise, when the relationship ended, I found in even easier to drink--more and more. So that was actually one of the things that helped me "get it." It wasn't anybody or anything else causing me to drink--I was an alcoholic who could no longer function without it. DUH.
If you weren't around for her to blame her drinking on, she would either find another "reason" why she drinks, or come to the conclusion I did. Either way, your being "there" for her won't help her.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Actually, I blamed a lot of my drinking on my last relationship, which was a huge source of stress in my life. Much to my surprise, when the relationship ended, I found in even easier to drink--more and more.
These days he is claiming sobriety since Labor Day (but let's call it what it most likely really is, if it's anything at all--he has been DRY since Labor Day), and he has done some work to clean the inside of his home in addition to the outside of his home. And I cannot even begin to tell you all how happy I am to be off his roller coaster. I want nothing more for this man than for him to find real sobriety and recovery. But my life, and my emotional health, are infinitely better now that my happiness does not depend on whether or not he chooses to quit drinking.
Poppet, I hope that with time you will come to understand how disordered your thinking still is. You can't fix ANYTHING to make her quit. She is deflecting all the negative attention on to YOU, to keep you on the defensive and manipulate you into continuing to accept her truly abusive and abhorrent behavior. You do not owe anybody any affection. You have a right to be cold to someone who has treated you so poorly. You have a right to want what you want. And most importantly (and I say this as someone who kept my children in an awful situation for far too long), YOUR CHILDREN deserve better than this. Your partner has been the most important person in your household, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for years. That's not fair to you, or to your children. My recovery has been a long and winding road, but the single biggest step forward for me was the day when I promised my daughters that STBXAH would no longer be the most important person in the house.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Poppet, I read this over in the "Newcomers" section of the forum back at the end of April:
Too often people try to fix themselves before they quit drinking. It's like trying to figure out why the fire started before putting it out. Quit drinking, clear your head, then work on yourself as a person.
This^^ is what people here are trying to tell you about AW--she is going about "recovery" all backwards. This is precisely the line that XAH took w/me, too, along the way telling me nice things like "what if I get better and I find out I don't like being w/you any more?" The fact that he is XAH should tell you how well this approach worked for us...
Have you ever gone over to the "Newcomers" and "Alcoholism" sections of this forum? I think it might be very useful for you in seeing what people do when they actually have an interest in getting sober, rather than in playing abusive and manipulative games. Links are right here, to make it easy for you:
Alcoholism - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Newcomers to Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Too often people try to fix themselves before they quit drinking. It's like trying to figure out why the fire started before putting it out. Quit drinking, clear your head, then work on yourself as a person.
This^^ is what people here are trying to tell you about AW--she is going about "recovery" all backwards. This is precisely the line that XAH took w/me, too, along the way telling me nice things like "what if I get better and I find out I don't like being w/you any more?" The fact that he is XAH should tell you how well this approach worked for us...
Have you ever gone over to the "Newcomers" and "Alcoholism" sections of this forum? I think it might be very useful for you in seeing what people do when they actually have an interest in getting sober, rather than in playing abusive and manipulative games. Links are right here, to make it easy for you:
Alcoholism - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Newcomers to Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Poppet. I haven't responded to this particular thread because quite frankly last week was just an utter sh!#show of epic proportions. Last week I found that my dad, as well as my mom, has cancer too.
I say this not to threadjack but to give you some perspective on why I'm asking these questions (and also to apologize in advance for this all-over-the-place response):
1) If something happened to you right now, would she be capable of taking care of your children?
2) Would she have your back as you have hers?
3) If you died, would your children be expected to take care of her?
You love her. That's abundantly clear. But I think you know that right now she doesn't have the capacity to love you back the way you should be loved. She's blaming you for everything.
I have had my share of truly crappy relationships, but when I finally met my husband several things became very clear. I no longer had to walk on eggshells. I no longer had to "worry" about keeping him entertained, happy. I didn't have to try to be cooler, smarter whatever because he accepted me the way he was. And he didn't have friendships that threatened our relationship, because he didn't want to threaten our relationship in the first place (the same goes here.). And he is a man who takes responsibility for his actions, and he inspires me to do the same.
You've moved away from your home and family to be with her, and she accuses YOU of not being empathetic enough? How DARE she! You're in this game where she just tells you to jump and jump and jump and you keep on jumping to keep her happy and then she asks you why you're tired.
You've uprooted your life to be with her. What has she done for you? What has she done to PROVE her love to you? If something happened to you, could you honestly say that she would give your kids the priority, or the bottle? And if your answer is the bottle, then why are you staying? The answer "You love her" isn't enough. It may be enough for you, but it's not enough for your kids.
As Cheryl Strayed would say: "Will you do it later, or will you do it now?"
And for further reading or listening...
Rapid Fire: Should I Stay Or Go? | Dear Sugar Radio
I say this not to threadjack but to give you some perspective on why I'm asking these questions (and also to apologize in advance for this all-over-the-place response):
1) If something happened to you right now, would she be capable of taking care of your children?
2) Would she have your back as you have hers?
3) If you died, would your children be expected to take care of her?
You love her. That's abundantly clear. But I think you know that right now she doesn't have the capacity to love you back the way you should be loved. She's blaming you for everything.
I have had my share of truly crappy relationships, but when I finally met my husband several things became very clear. I no longer had to walk on eggshells. I no longer had to "worry" about keeping him entertained, happy. I didn't have to try to be cooler, smarter whatever because he accepted me the way he was. And he didn't have friendships that threatened our relationship, because he didn't want to threaten our relationship in the first place (the same goes here.). And he is a man who takes responsibility for his actions, and he inspires me to do the same.
You've moved away from your home and family to be with her, and she accuses YOU of not being empathetic enough? How DARE she! You're in this game where she just tells you to jump and jump and jump and you keep on jumping to keep her happy and then she asks you why you're tired.
You've uprooted your life to be with her. What has she done for you? What has she done to PROVE her love to you? If something happened to you, could you honestly say that she would give your kids the priority, or the bottle? And if your answer is the bottle, then why are you staying? The answer "You love her" isn't enough. It may be enough for you, but it's not enough for your kids.
As Cheryl Strayed would say: "Will you do it later, or will you do it now?"
And for further reading or listening...
Rapid Fire: Should I Stay Or Go? | Dear Sugar Radio
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Poppet, you have a lot to learn about alcoholism & codependency. I know because I was like you and blamed myself for all sorts of things I had no control over, mostly because the alcoholic in my life was all too happy to put all the blame on me for all problems we had.
Then I hit codie bottom & started learning and reading everything I could about alcoholism & the mind games they play. I learned about codependency. I started going to Alanon meetings & got a sponsor and never looked back.
Now, its all about me. I take my recovery as seriously as a terminal illness I'm trying to recover from.
The bullying behavior has stopped because I have changed. I have set boundaries (the first step in loving yourself) and treat myself with
as much kindness and compassion as I do toward loved ones. I will
never again be held responsible for something I have no control
over, I will never accept insults, snide comments, rude behavior,
blaming, maudlin behavior, because I know I deserve respect &
kindness& consideration and I will not accept less.
Please listen to these posts, they are so right. Please get to meetings
and start your own recovery today, you are worth it and your kids are too. They are learning how much they are valued (or not valued) by the kind of attention they get & how they see you being treated. Please know how important it is to model healthy behavior.
You will never be able to love yourself or even like yourself as long as you are stuck in codepency. You must get help for yourself.
Then I hit codie bottom & started learning and reading everything I could about alcoholism & the mind games they play. I learned about codependency. I started going to Alanon meetings & got a sponsor and never looked back.
Now, its all about me. I take my recovery as seriously as a terminal illness I'm trying to recover from.
The bullying behavior has stopped because I have changed. I have set boundaries (the first step in loving yourself) and treat myself with
as much kindness and compassion as I do toward loved ones. I will
never again be held responsible for something I have no control
over, I will never accept insults, snide comments, rude behavior,
blaming, maudlin behavior, because I know I deserve respect &
kindness& consideration and I will not accept less.
Please listen to these posts, they are so right. Please get to meetings
and start your own recovery today, you are worth it and your kids are too. They are learning how much they are valued (or not valued) by the kind of attention they get & how they see you being treated. Please know how important it is to model healthy behavior.
You will never be able to love yourself or even like yourself as long as you are stuck in codepency. You must get help for yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
I have a book about co-dependency that I am trying to learn from - i put it on hold to try and deal with my current situation but I know that is wrong. I can't focus on myself whilst focussing on the relationship.
I've been very calmly talking to my oh today, we've been talking calmly.
How do you handle things tho when the alcoholic says "I don't drink as much when I'm not near you". I feel like she's trying to pin the drinking on me, and I know I'm not responsible but it gets hard to keep maintaining that when things like that are said.
I've told her I want to help her out of the hopeless hole she finds (thinks) herself in, not for me but for herself.
I've stepped away now as she has been drinking - apparently that is my fault this morning - becuase the conversation has deteriorated and i'm finding it harder to be kind and patient and it feels like what has been talked about is now being dismissed and all the negativity is coming back. There was a post from someone in one of my other threads I need to find about how nothing you say makes any difference.
We're talking so that we can find a level ground now to either part or mend. She sees only negativity, hates herself, says she has no hope and that she's got lung cancer. I want to help her, help herself.
She says she's only ever felt loved by her Grandma, and me (briefly). I always loved her, but I don't think I loved her enough for how she wanted to be loved and how she wanted to feel.
Need to find that post, go to those links and keep reading what you guys are all saying and I knwo you're all banging your heads against the walls. shouting "listen" "no" "why can't you hear us"
I can. Going to keep reading, going to mend myself, and take care of myself.
I've been very calmly talking to my oh today, we've been talking calmly.
How do you handle things tho when the alcoholic says "I don't drink as much when I'm not near you". I feel like she's trying to pin the drinking on me, and I know I'm not responsible but it gets hard to keep maintaining that when things like that are said.
I've told her I want to help her out of the hopeless hole she finds (thinks) herself in, not for me but for herself.
I've stepped away now as she has been drinking - apparently that is my fault this morning - becuase the conversation has deteriorated and i'm finding it harder to be kind and patient and it feels like what has been talked about is now being dismissed and all the negativity is coming back. There was a post from someone in one of my other threads I need to find about how nothing you say makes any difference.
We're talking so that we can find a level ground now to either part or mend. She sees only negativity, hates herself, says she has no hope and that she's got lung cancer. I want to help her, help herself.
She says she's only ever felt loved by her Grandma, and me (briefly). I always loved her, but I don't think I loved her enough for how she wanted to be loved and how she wanted to feel.
Need to find that post, go to those links and keep reading what you guys are all saying and I knwo you're all banging your heads against the walls. shouting "listen" "no" "why can't you hear us"
I can. Going to keep reading, going to mend myself, and take care of myself.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Poppet...I will tell you, fresh and new, that nothing you say or nothing that you do will make any difference....
If you combed the thousands of stories, here, you will find that stated a gazillion times over! because it is true. We have all learned, the hard way, that it is true....
You cannot fix a marriage when alcoholism is in it. This is why marriage counselors will not work with a couple as long as there is active drinking going on.
She will blame you for her drinking as lo ng as she has breath! They all do that.
That is part of the alcoholism...to deflect the blame onto others.
It sounds like your marriage was stillborn from the beginning. she was an alcoholic when you married her. You have never even known he "real her".
Due to her alcoholism, he has never even known herself. It woul take her about two years to know her own self, if she did reach for recovery....
Then, there is no gurantee that the marriage could be saved.....more marriages break u p after recovery than before recovery...that is, when, couples have stayed together with years and years of the heavy drinking....
Poppet...I don't know how old you are...but, how many years do you have that you are willing to spend in abject misery...?
because, from where I sit...that is what it l ooks like you have ahead of you.....
If she wants :out of her hole"....she has all the member of AA and a sponsor, and therapists who are willing and able to help her....in fact, they will go to the mat for her.....
If you combed the thousands of stories, here, you will find that stated a gazillion times over! because it is true. We have all learned, the hard way, that it is true....
You cannot fix a marriage when alcoholism is in it. This is why marriage counselors will not work with a couple as long as there is active drinking going on.
She will blame you for her drinking as lo ng as she has breath! They all do that.
That is part of the alcoholism...to deflect the blame onto others.
It sounds like your marriage was stillborn from the beginning. she was an alcoholic when you married her. You have never even known he "real her".
Due to her alcoholism, he has never even known herself. It woul take her about two years to know her own self, if she did reach for recovery....
Then, there is no gurantee that the marriage could be saved.....more marriages break u p after recovery than before recovery...that is, when, couples have stayed together with years and years of the heavy drinking....
Poppet...I don't know how old you are...but, how many years do you have that you are willing to spend in abject misery...?
because, from where I sit...that is what it l ooks like you have ahead of you.....
If she wants :out of her hole"....she has all the member of AA and a sponsor, and therapists who are willing and able to help her....in fact, they will go to the mat for her.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Alcoholics despise themselves and their behavior. They project or displace these feelings onto their spouses/partners because they are too difficult to bear and the alcohol can't get rid of them. The only thing that can help them is themselves and God and a spiritual program.
They hate themselves even more because they know they are treating loved ones so horribly and emotionally or sometimes physically abusing them.
To think you can "change" an alcoholic -- well, you may as well believe
you can control the weather. This is not to say alcoholics are horrible
people, they aren't. They are very sick and harm themselves and
those around them.
The moment your mind and attention and actions shift from trying
to save her, to saving yourself, your life will improve beyond anything
you could have imagined.
They hate themselves even more because they know they are treating loved ones so horribly and emotionally or sometimes physically abusing them.
To think you can "change" an alcoholic -- well, you may as well believe
you can control the weather. This is not to say alcoholics are horrible
people, they aren't. They are very sick and harm themselves and
those around them.
The moment your mind and attention and actions shift from trying
to save her, to saving yourself, your life will improve beyond anything
you could have imagined.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Sooner or later, either you or your partner are going to have to accept that she is an alcoholic and that the only person who can do anything about that is her.
That's your choice: sooner, or later. There is no third alternative where you find the magic formula of words and actions and changes to yourself that fixes everything. That is a fantasy.
In the meantime, your children are learning what a relationship looks like. They will take this understanding into their own relationships. Is this what you want for them?
That's your choice: sooner, or later. There is no third alternative where you find the magic formula of words and actions and changes to yourself that fixes everything. That is a fantasy.
In the meantime, your children are learning what a relationship looks like. They will take this understanding into their own relationships. Is this what you want for them?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
So by me trying to find ways to fix this it's harming both myself and preventing her from figuring stuff out for herself.
She says she has become a horrible person, or rather I have made her into this horrible person by not facing the problems we have for so many years but that has now meant me accepting a huge amount of responsibility for our problems.
You're right she sees the relationship as the reason she drinks but I know she's been drinking badly since she was sent to boarding school at 10yrs old and has been ever since. She calls herself a functional drinker but not an alcoholic.
I don't want this for my kids, this is not how I grow up.
I feel deceitful suddenly turning around and saying I can't do this anymore. She thinks that the booze will fix itself if she stops smoking which she can only manage when not around me.
I was proud of myself earlier - I set a boundary, and I stood by it.
She needs to mend herself doesn't she. I can't do that. I know that, I know only I can mend me and make me healthy, which I have begun to do.
She says she has become a horrible person, or rather I have made her into this horrible person by not facing the problems we have for so many years but that has now meant me accepting a huge amount of responsibility for our problems.
You're right she sees the relationship as the reason she drinks but I know she's been drinking badly since she was sent to boarding school at 10yrs old and has been ever since. She calls herself a functional drinker but not an alcoholic.
I don't want this for my kids, this is not how I grow up.
I feel deceitful suddenly turning around and saying I can't do this anymore. She thinks that the booze will fix itself if she stops smoking which she can only manage when not around me.
I was proud of myself earlier - I set a boundary, and I stood by it.
She needs to mend herself doesn't she. I can't do that. I know that, I know only I can mend me and make me healthy, which I have begun to do.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Yes!!! Now you're getting somewhere.
She will never change or even try as long as she has you to blame and you go along with that. Your bending over backwards to fix everything just keeps you both sick.
She will never change or even try as long as she has you to blame and you go along with that. Your bending over backwards to fix everything just keeps you both sick.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Yes Poppet, yes, yes!
Just replace he with she:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html
Many alcoholics have behaviors very similar to personalty disordered
individuals, so this site is very educational & helpful.
Toolbox ? Out of the FOG
Please try and see the big picture in all of this, as right now you
have tunnel vision. That will improve though, as you learn more
about the scope of what you are dealing with. Keep the focus
on your recovery, as her issues have been around way before
you entered her life and SHE is the only one who can decide
to be honest with herself and do the work she needs to do
to heal.
Just replace he with she:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html
Many alcoholics have behaviors very similar to personalty disordered
individuals, so this site is very educational & helpful.
Toolbox ? Out of the FOG
Please try and see the big picture in all of this, as right now you
have tunnel vision. That will improve though, as you learn more
about the scope of what you are dealing with. Keep the focus
on your recovery, as her issues have been around way before
you entered her life and SHE is the only one who can decide
to be honest with herself and do the work she needs to do
to heal.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Hi Poppet... You're dealing with a lot, and I know it's hard.
"I don't want this for my kids"
I just want to call this out...because each and every day, you're choosing it for your kids. Inaction is action. How much time has passed where your kids are exposed to the toxicity of this relationship? To not feeling "first" to you?
I say this as a fellow marionette who danced to the strings my XAH pulled, trying to fix things for years. And I have serious regrets about that.
Don't dance.
Cut those strings.
If it's too hard to choose YOU right now... Choose your children.
And you'll benefit too.
It's a funny thing the day you wake up and realize that your happiness matters as much as someone else's. I hope you see that. You deserve more.
And you don't owe any conversation or more explanation. Just do what feels right for your children right now, and the rest will follow.
"I don't want this for my kids"
I just want to call this out...because each and every day, you're choosing it for your kids. Inaction is action. How much time has passed where your kids are exposed to the toxicity of this relationship? To not feeling "first" to you?
I say this as a fellow marionette who danced to the strings my XAH pulled, trying to fix things for years. And I have serious regrets about that.
Don't dance.
Cut those strings.
If it's too hard to choose YOU right now... Choose your children.
And you'll benefit too.
It's a funny thing the day you wake up and realize that your happiness matters as much as someone else's. I hope you see that. You deserve more.
And you don't owe any conversation or more explanation. Just do what feels right for your children right now, and the rest will follow.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Poppet35
So by me trying to find ways to fix this it's harming both myself and preventing her from figuring stuff out for herself.
She says she has become a horrible person, or rather I have made her into this horrible person by not facing the problems we have for so many years but that has now meant me accepting a huge amount of responsibility for our problems.
You're right she sees the relationship as the reason she drinks but I know she's been drinking badly since she was sent to boarding school at 10yrs old and has been ever since. She calls herself a functional drinker but not an alcoholic.
I don't want this for my kids, this is not how I grow up.
I feel deceitful suddenly turning around and saying I can't do this anymore. She thinks that the booze will fix itself if she stops smoking which she can only manage when not around me.
I was proud of myself earlier - I set a boundary, and I stood by it.
She needs to mend herself doesn't she. I can't do that. I know that, I know only I can mend me and make me healthy, which I have begun to do.
She says she has become a horrible person, or rather I have made her into this horrible person by not facing the problems we have for so many years but that has now meant me accepting a huge amount of responsibility for our problems.
You're right she sees the relationship as the reason she drinks but I know she's been drinking badly since she was sent to boarding school at 10yrs old and has been ever since. She calls herself a functional drinker but not an alcoholic.
I don't want this for my kids, this is not how I grow up.
I feel deceitful suddenly turning around and saying I can't do this anymore. She thinks that the booze will fix itself if she stops smoking which she can only manage when not around me.
I was proud of myself earlier - I set a boundary, and I stood by it.
She needs to mend herself doesn't she. I can't do that. I know that, I know only I can mend me and make me healthy, which I have begun to do.
Since she thinks she can quit smoking and, in turn, control her drinking when you aren't around, why not take her up on that? If you can't bring yourself to completely end it with her (which I think would be the wisest thing to do), why not separate for at least a year, during which time she can deal with her smoking/drinking and you can take care of yourself and your kids and work on your own healing?
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