JansSushiBar

I found this place 3 years ago when I first began contemplating leaving my AH. Over those years, he has done a lot to try and "make things better" but he always backslides. ALWAYS.

Now I'm done. I'm looking for a new job (we work together for the company he runs and partially owns) and have told him of my intent to divorce. He's ignoring it for now, but once I have another job, it is my intention to pack up whatever I can from the house and move immediately. If he wants to stick his head in the sand, that's his business.

My question is, I am going to get questions from his clients about why we are divorcing (God only knows what he'll tell them). Part of me doesn't want to jeopardize him professionally - since he drinks AND smokes marijuana at the office, he's doing a pretty bang-up job of that himself - but part of me doesn't want to enable him any further, either.

Opinions? Should I tell the truth or should I cite the all-encompassing "irreconcilable differences?"

Ariesagain

"Sometimes things don't work out," followed by subject change.

Anyone who pursues it after that deserves a "I'd really rather not discuss it" with a partial to full glare depending on their level of persistence.

Sending you a hug.

Mountainmanbob

Close enough to what I would recommend.
or
I prefer not to talk about it at this time.

Not good to jeopardize the work place.
Could cause much added pain down the road.

M-Bob

MIRecovery

My take is that it is a personal question and frankly it is none of their business so I would say, "It didn't work out for a lot of different reasons."

ConfusedDaily

Those kinds of situations are always kinda sh*tty, it's really not anyone's business. I agree with everyone above, say something vague and change the subject.

JansSushiBar

Thank you all. Not saying anything other than "It just didn't work out" was my first instinct, but the whole "consequences of their actions" thing kept nagging me. I guess the way he's acting, he'll botch his career all on his own without any help from me.

hope778

One would hope that colleagues/co-workers are adults with adult-level comprehension of life struggles, relationship struggles, etc. and wouldn't pry over something like this. However, you never know.

I agree, keep it as short and sweet as you want to when responding. You owe them nothing. If it were me, I wouldn't get involved with his career situation or the downfall of it. I would just walk away peacefully. Really just so you have a more peaceful exit for yourself.

JansSushiBar

Oh, our coworkers - technically his employees - are well aware of his alcoholism and the verbal/emotional abuse I suffer (we've had at least one person that I know of quit because of it). It's the clients, some of whom I'm friends with, that I've been concerned about.

atalose

I guess I’m confused, if you are looking to leave and find another job and you will, how or why would you then have contact with HIS clients?

It seems to me that you are looking to take on NOT jeopardizing him professionally and cushioning things for when you leave.

His company, his clients, his problem!!

I always liked this quote:

What other people think/say about me.......is none of my business!!!!

JansSushiBar

We've been working together for many years, and some of these people have become my friends. They won't hesitate to call/email when they hear I've left him. Some will ask me simply because they're nosy.

Kissedbyfire

I used to work with my ex who wasn't an alcoholic. We were together for 7 years.

When some people from work asked why we split I told them "It didn't work out."
When others asked I said "because he was an a**hole."

I chose my audience wisely. Even if we hadn't worked together- it still would have worked out that way.

TimeForMe

If they're nosy, too bad for them. Just because someone asks you a question doesn't mean you have to answer it.

You do not need to make yourself uncomfortable by answering, in order to prevent them from being uncomfortable for asking.

dandylion

Jans.....o ne technique that I have found to diplomatically dodge a dicey question is:
"If you will forgive me for not answering that question...I will forgive you for asking"......accompanied by a gentle smile......
Most everyone will get the message.....
I do agree with Kissedbyfire...to choose your audience.....
Consider each situation to be scenario dependent.....lol....

JansSushiBar

Again, thank you all. I'll politely dodge the question when it comes up, no matter who asks. These people are a very tight-knit group, and they all know each other - and they gossip worse than a ladies' sewing circle. A couple of years ago, the CFO for one client's company went to prison for embezzlement - you have no idea how quickly that got around.

tomsteve

alcoholics usually dont need help facing the consequences of their actions.we usually end up having to face em sooner or later all on our own.
and if they gossip?
they prolly got enough to talk about as is