Do Your A's Lie Nonstop?
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Reno, NV
Posts: 31
Yes, they absolutely lie. I think they do it to make themselves feel better, but you never know. First question, do you think you have a drinking problem? The answer is probably going to be no. That's just how it is, don't take it personal.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Mine lied/lies so much he believed his own lies, I'm sure....
Then again, I was no better. I began lying to hide my feelings and my snooping. I would lie about seeing or talking to other people like friend/family. In my head I was afraid he'd be paranoid that I was talking about him or our problems... giving him another excuse to drink.
I was lying thinking I could manipulate his addiction.
Pretty sad. Yep, here too... I started keeping things from him regarding where I had been, who I had seen during my work day. He was so convinced I had multiple boyfriends in other towns, I found it was easier to tell him I just "stayed in the office all day.... just did my work, didn't talk to anyone..." so that I could avoid his bizarre accusations which often led him into a drunken rage.... But then he would catch me in a lie, which only made him rage harder....
And yes, I lied too, to cover my snooping, and other embarrassing things I did in an attempt to gain some sort of control over the craziness....
Originally Posted by Kissedbyfire 
Then again, I was no better. I began lying to hide my feelings and my snooping. I would lie about seeing or talking to other people like friend/family. In my head I was afraid he'd be paranoid that I was talking about him or our problems... giving him another excuse to drink.
I was lying thinking I could manipulate his addiction.
Pretty sad.
And yes, I lied too, to cover my snooping, and other embarrassing things I did in an attempt to gain some sort of control over the craziness....
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Reno, NV
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by timetohealguy
My ex did the same thing when she was drinking heavily.
Her best female friend actually contacted me to warn me that my ex was saying things about me to her best friend that clearly were not true.
I have an example of exactly that dandylion ...
One night my ex said she wanted takeout dinner from a local restaurant, and she asked me to drive so she could walk from the car into the restaurant and pick up dinner for us both, then I would drive us home and we would eat dinner at home. She seemed sober when we left home.
There is no parking near the restaurant, which is on a very busy street, so she jumps out of the car to get the food and I sat in the car in an alley behind the restaurant in a parking area where you can stop with the engine running but you can't leave the car there and get out of the car. I figured it would take her 10 minutes at the most to walk to the front door of the restaurant, wait for the food, then walk back to the car.
20 minutes or so later, there was no sign of her back at the car, so I drove past the front of the restaurant to see where she was.
I see her sitting at a table inside the restaurant, but there is no parking so I can't stop the car.
So I then spend 10 minutes or so trying to find somewhere to park and then I walk to the restaurant. So by now it is about half an hour or so since she got out of the car to grab our dinner.
When I walk into the restaurant, she is sitting at a table, has eaten her dinner and is drunk, and she hands me a bag with my dinner in it, which is now cold. It was like she had forgotten that I was waiting in the car for her and that we were going to go home and eat dinner together.
All I said to her was "what are you doing ?", quietly, when I first walked into the restaurant before I realised she was drunk - a pretty reasonable question. When I then realised she was drunk, I was disappointed that she was drunk yet again of course, but there was no argument, no disagreement ... there is no point in arguing with someone in that state.
I don't know if she drank quickly before we left home and then the alcohol's effect came over her - either that or she bought alcohol after getting out of the car and before going into the restaurant.
She was on prescription medication that should not be combined with alcohol, plus alcohol, so the effects of the alcohol would often happen very rapidly when she drank - one minute she would seem almost sober, 5 minutes later she could not walk.
She could not walk out of the restaurant on her own , so I help her to the car, drove home, had to help her out of the car, carry her into our house, and put her into bed to sleep it off.
A few days later my ex's best female friend calls me on the phone, and says that she is concerned and wants to talk to me, because my ex told her best friend about an incident in which I supposedly "yelled at" my ex.
So her best friend tells me my ex was complaining to her best friend that I had "yelled at her because she took too long to pick up our dinner". I had no idea what she was talking about, and then when I ask when this supposedly happened, I realise that my ex was talking about the same trip to the restaurant ... but with no mention from my ex of alcohol or any other details to her friend. Just "he yelled at me for taking too long to pick up our dinner". There was absolutely no yelling.
So my ex had concocted this ludicrous story to her best friend that she had simply gone to pickup dinner for us, and that I had then "yelled at her" for "taking too long", with no mention whatsoever of getting drunk.
I honestly think that she believed that was actually what happened and that my ex had convinced herself that there was no drinking that night, and that in fact it had happened just as she told her best friend.
This I see as the worst of denial, where not only does a drinker "edit out" the drinking, but they then remove all details of the madness of their behaviour and then add details which simply never happened, in order to smear / blame their spouse.
So it's not just making up things to fill in the blanks - key parts of an incident like "I got drunk" and "I was so drunk I could not walk" are completely edited out, then things that never happened get added in. It is like some kind of paranoia combined with denial.
So yet another crazy drunken incident during which (1) she got drunk, (2) she clearly forgot I was even waiting in the car for her, (3) she ate dinner on her own while waiting for her, and (4) she could not walk and I had to help her get to the car then carry her into our house ... gets twisted around into something that bears no resemblance to reality and which portrays me as a grossly unreasonable and impatient spouse, who verbally abuses his poor suffering spouse who was just trying to pick up some takeout dinner. Ta - da ! The wonders of the alcohol hijacked brain !
I told her best friend the whole story of course.
I hate to think the picture my ex was painting of me to her family of origin, given the gross distortion of that incident.
Her best female friend actually contacted me to warn me that my ex was saying things about me to her best friend that clearly were not true.
I have an example of exactly that dandylion ...
One night my ex said she wanted takeout dinner from a local restaurant, and she asked me to drive so she could walk from the car into the restaurant and pick up dinner for us both, then I would drive us home and we would eat dinner at home. She seemed sober when we left home.
There is no parking near the restaurant, which is on a very busy street, so she jumps out of the car to get the food and I sat in the car in an alley behind the restaurant in a parking area where you can stop with the engine running but you can't leave the car there and get out of the car. I figured it would take her 10 minutes at the most to walk to the front door of the restaurant, wait for the food, then walk back to the car.
20 minutes or so later, there was no sign of her back at the car, so I drove past the front of the restaurant to see where she was.
I see her sitting at a table inside the restaurant, but there is no parking so I can't stop the car.
So I then spend 10 minutes or so trying to find somewhere to park and then I walk to the restaurant. So by now it is about half an hour or so since she got out of the car to grab our dinner.
When I walk into the restaurant, she is sitting at a table, has eaten her dinner and is drunk, and she hands me a bag with my dinner in it, which is now cold. It was like she had forgotten that I was waiting in the car for her and that we were going to go home and eat dinner together.
All I said to her was "what are you doing ?", quietly, when I first walked into the restaurant before I realised she was drunk - a pretty reasonable question. When I then realised she was drunk, I was disappointed that she was drunk yet again of course, but there was no argument, no disagreement ... there is no point in arguing with someone in that state.
I don't know if she drank quickly before we left home and then the alcohol's effect came over her - either that or she bought alcohol after getting out of the car and before going into the restaurant.
She was on prescription medication that should not be combined with alcohol, plus alcohol, so the effects of the alcohol would often happen very rapidly when she drank - one minute she would seem almost sober, 5 minutes later she could not walk.
She could not walk out of the restaurant on her own , so I help her to the car, drove home, had to help her out of the car, carry her into our house, and put her into bed to sleep it off.
A few days later my ex's best female friend calls me on the phone, and says that she is concerned and wants to talk to me, because my ex told her best friend about an incident in which I supposedly "yelled at" my ex.
So her best friend tells me my ex was complaining to her best friend that I had "yelled at her because she took too long to pick up our dinner". I had no idea what she was talking about, and then when I ask when this supposedly happened, I realise that my ex was talking about the same trip to the restaurant ... but with no mention from my ex of alcohol or any other details to her friend. Just "he yelled at me for taking too long to pick up our dinner". There was absolutely no yelling.
So my ex had concocted this ludicrous story to her best friend that she had simply gone to pickup dinner for us, and that I had then "yelled at her" for "taking too long", with no mention whatsoever of getting drunk.
I honestly think that she believed that was actually what happened and that my ex had convinced herself that there was no drinking that night, and that in fact it had happened just as she told her best friend.
This I see as the worst of denial, where not only does a drinker "edit out" the drinking, but they then remove all details of the madness of their behaviour and then add details which simply never happened, in order to smear / blame their spouse.
So it's not just making up things to fill in the blanks - key parts of an incident like "I got drunk" and "I was so drunk I could not walk" are completely edited out, then things that never happened get added in. It is like some kind of paranoia combined with denial.
So yet another crazy drunken incident during which (1) she got drunk, (2) she clearly forgot I was even waiting in the car for her, (3) she ate dinner on her own while waiting for her, and (4) she could not walk and I had to help her get to the car then carry her into our house ... gets twisted around into something that bears no resemblance to reality and which portrays me as a grossly unreasonable and impatient spouse, who verbally abuses his poor suffering spouse who was just trying to pick up some takeout dinner. Ta - da ! The wonders of the alcohol hijacked brain !
I told her best friend the whole story of course.
I hate to think the picture my ex was painting of me to her family of origin, given the gross distortion of that incident.
One time we went to a 4th of July party and my dad was beyond wasted. Couldn't walk, words slurred... I was driving home and was going about 70-75 in a 65. And he starts YELLING about how I'm drunk and I shouldn't be driving. I drink too much and he feels so ashamed of me... Can't take it personal, that's just how it is unfortunately
.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
AXH lied constantly towards the end of our living together. And it got worse after I left. I think I posted on SR before that I didn't think he could tell the truth if it climbed into his mouth and tried to jump out. (I still think that but I don't have to deal with it directly anymore.)
He'd lie about big things that any sane person would realize would come out eventually. ("No. I didn't overdraw the bank account. You must have." Only to have the bank pull up a copy of a cancelled check for thousands written by him...) And he'd lie about the stupidest stuff. Stuff that wouldn't have made me upset either way; stuff I didn't even ask about; stuff I would have never, ever known about had he not said anything.
I thought maybe the alcohol was just getting to his memory. And it might have on some of the things he'd lie about, but for the most part, that wasn't really the case. He was able to keep his lies straight and remember how they'd impact other parts of his stories. I really think he just thought everyone else was too slow to catch them. That might be more of a personality thing rather than an alcoholic thing. IDK.
He'd lie about big things that any sane person would realize would come out eventually. ("No. I didn't overdraw the bank account. You must have." Only to have the bank pull up a copy of a cancelled check for thousands written by him...) And he'd lie about the stupidest stuff. Stuff that wouldn't have made me upset either way; stuff I didn't even ask about; stuff I would have never, ever known about had he not said anything.
I thought maybe the alcohol was just getting to his memory. And it might have on some of the things he'd lie about, but for the most part, that wasn't really the case. He was able to keep his lies straight and remember how they'd impact other parts of his stories. I really think he just thought everyone else was too slow to catch them. That might be more of a personality thing rather than an alcoholic thing. IDK.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 163
I caught my soon to be EXAW red handed in a text message lie last night Didn't even phase her, just moved on to the next lie. For her I think its just one of her character faults. Her mother and brothers all say she was a very good lier at a young age.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Originally Posted by letitend
OMG, Nata - Our xA's sound SOOO much alike. I also got the whole, "I am a bad mother" thing from him AND his mom, because I went out and worked full time to support us. His job situation was non-existent or many, many years. His new theory, is I have USED him, for daycare for his OWN child that he has never, ever financially supported. I quit bugging him about the job because 1) it was too stressful and 2) I lied to MYSELF and said it was for the best because it was what it was. Would I have wanted to have someone help carry the financial burden of the entire household, absolutely
These days he is not around at all (lives 300 miles away), sees the child once a month (I bring my son to him - he stays with his brother and sister in law and has supervised visitation) - and leave to stay with my friends in a nearby town. For a while he was quick to point out that I only bring DS so I could hang out with my friends. Because I just have a break and could not do without his "help". I stated that if any comments of this nature happen again - there will be no visits. And I am sticking with it. His attitude seems to be improving. I just try to limit communication to essentials these days. I don't listen to anything unless it turns into an action.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
XAH lied about things there was no reason to lie about as well as lying about his drinking. He suggested that we quit smoking (we were both smokers) early in our relationship, never quit, and hid it and lied about it for the next 20 years. He'd get busted every several years, claim to have quit, and then leave his smokes out on the table again a few years later. Why? Why not say "hey, I changed my mind" or "hey, I'm having a really hard time here"?
I've since found out about many other lies, some that matter a lot and some about things that he knew I wouldn't care about, yet he lied.
He told me a story not too long ago about a certain cookie jar in his household as a very young child. He said he learned how to open it absolutely silently. I said "oh, b/c your mom wouldn't want you to have a cookie?" and he said "no, I don't think she would have cared at all, but I preferred to not ask. I decided very early that the less that people knew about me and what I was doing, the better it was."
Well. WTF. That made me really really sad, to think about it, and to wonder how a very young kid would get that idea so early in life.
And then I realized that story could be a lie too...hate to sound cynical, but honestly? Who knows? Manipulation or truth, it's a sad waste of a life.
I've since found out about many other lies, some that matter a lot and some about things that he knew I wouldn't care about, yet he lied.
He told me a story not too long ago about a certain cookie jar in his household as a very young child. He said he learned how to open it absolutely silently. I said "oh, b/c your mom wouldn't want you to have a cookie?" and he said "no, I don't think she would have cared at all, but I preferred to not ask. I decided very early that the less that people knew about me and what I was doing, the better it was."
Well. WTF. That made me really really sad, to think about it, and to wonder how a very young kid would get that idea so early in life.
And then I realized that story could be a lie too...hate to sound cynical, but honestly? Who knows? Manipulation or truth, it's a sad waste of a life.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
Originally Posted by Nata1980
Yes, absolutely. XAH also told lies about me constantly. To his family, how abusive, mean, and not supportive I was to him over the years. To me, how I was a terrible mother because I was working full time (I was the only one working full time, his employment was very "seasonal" and sparse at best).
He went as far as blaming me for marriage demise, not being affectionate. And 5 relapses over 7 years, constant family abandonment/rehabs, lack of employment, unwillingness to shower, and sleeping all day after a good helping of pain pills have absolutely nothing do do with it.
He also declared that "we were never right for each other". Whatever floats your boat, dude, whatever helps you sleep at night. Denial runs deep.
He went as far as blaming me for marriage demise, not being affectionate. And 5 relapses over 7 years, constant family abandonment/rehabs, lack of employment, unwillingness to shower, and sleeping all day after a good helping of pain pills have absolutely nothing do do with it.
He also declared that "we were never right for each other". Whatever floats your boat, dude, whatever helps you sleep at night. Denial runs deep.
My ex told me recently that our relationship "just didn't work out" ... as if alcohol was simply not a factor of any kind in it all.
She describes the problems that were directly created by her drinking as "relationship problems", as if everyone in the world who is in a relationship deals with the kind of massive problems her drinking created.
Did I miss the memo that multiple trips to the hospital, multiple injuries to herself caused by drunken falls, being constantly worried that your spouse is going to die, and not knowing from one day to the next if you will be dealing with Jeckyll or Hyde, are everyday "relationship problems" ???
And finally after month after month of alcohol abuse by her, when I ended up with a form of short term depression due in large part to her alcohol abuse and the constant stress of it all, one of her family then brandished my depression at me as if it was something that made me unsuitable to be my ex's spouse.
There is nothing quite like suffering depression due in large part to someone else's drinking then having your depression used against you like some kind of weapon.
Of course don't mention that her alcohol problems existed years before I ever met her. What elephant ?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I remember finding a cigarette hole burned in a comforter I'd made. I puzzled over it for some time, then finally asked XAH if he'd done it. Nope, he swore up and down he had NOT done it, and that it wasn't even a cigarette hole.
Now, any of you who have smoked or known a smoker know that nothing looks like a cigarette hole but a cigarette hole. Perfectly round w/scorched edges. There is really no other option. Yet he insisted...
I remember him arguing, with a look of panic on his face that I didn't understand then but do now, that it wasn't necessary for me to understand what was going on in the bank accounts and why they didn't balance; all I had to do was believe that things were OK, b/c after all, he told me they were!
And I guess I let a lot of those things slide for 2 reasons:
1) Not letting them slide would have meant confronting what was really going on, even though I had very little clue what that would actually turn out to be, and
2) I simply could not conceive of someone lying, with that intensity, about such minor things, or making such outrageous statements. It wasn't even that I doubted myself, like in gaslighting; it was that I couldn't believe it was even real, even happening...it was like something from another universe!
Where I am now, I feel more sadness and pity for him regarding this longstanding, deep-seated lying than any other emotion; however, that wasn't always the case.
Thought I'd share this from the AA Big Book, on this topic:
Chapter 5
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.
There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
Now, any of you who have smoked or known a smoker know that nothing looks like a cigarette hole but a cigarette hole. Perfectly round w/scorched edges. There is really no other option. Yet he insisted...
I remember him arguing, with a look of panic on his face that I didn't understand then but do now, that it wasn't necessary for me to understand what was going on in the bank accounts and why they didn't balance; all I had to do was believe that things were OK, b/c after all, he told me they were!
And I guess I let a lot of those things slide for 2 reasons:
1) Not letting them slide would have meant confronting what was really going on, even though I had very little clue what that would actually turn out to be, and
2) I simply could not conceive of someone lying, with that intensity, about such minor things, or making such outrageous statements. It wasn't even that I doubted myself, like in gaslighting; it was that I couldn't believe it was even real, even happening...it was like something from another universe!
Where I am now, I feel more sadness and pity for him regarding this longstanding, deep-seated lying than any other emotion; however, that wasn't always the case.
Thought I'd share this from the AA Big Book, on this topic:
Chapter 5
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.
There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
To my knowledge, mine only lied here and there - mostly by omission.
He was truthful about a lot of things too - "I do not want to stop drinking," which I turned a blind eye to...WTH?!
And....he lied when I asked him to lie - "please, please tell me you'll stop drinking for US!!!"
"ok i will."
In all fairness, I think at times he thought he would stop drinking....
And in all fairness, I lied a lot too. "It wasn't that bad." "There is no abuse." "We're just passionate when we fight because we love each other so much." "He'll grow out of it one day." "We are different than other alcoholic partners and codies."
Lies were slinging all over the place by both of us and if I am honest with myself today, there wasn't much authenticity in a relationship that I thought was SOOO AMAZING if it weren't for that one little thing. <---Also a lie.
He was truthful about a lot of things too - "I do not want to stop drinking," which I turned a blind eye to...WTH?!
And....he lied when I asked him to lie - "please, please tell me you'll stop drinking for US!!!"
"ok i will."
In all fairness, I think at times he thought he would stop drinking....
And in all fairness, I lied a lot too. "It wasn't that bad." "There is no abuse." "We're just passionate when we fight because we love each other so much." "He'll grow out of it one day." "We are different than other alcoholic partners and codies."
Lies were slinging all over the place by both of us and if I am honest with myself today, there wasn't much authenticity in a relationship that I thought was SOOO AMAZING if it weren't for that one little thing. <---Also a lie.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Oh, Yes, I can relate to the lying thing! It seems that the farther the alcoholic gets into the disease....the worse the lying gets.....
After a while it seemed he really believed it. It was creepy. Yet I hung in there for four years. I guess I believed my own lies too "my love will cure him, it's not that bad". Until it was that bad.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
Originally Posted by theuncertainty
AXH lied constantly towards the end of our living together. And it got worse after I left. I think I posted on SR before that I didn't think he could tell the truth if it climbed into his mouth and tried to jump out. (I still think that but I don't have to deal with it directly anymore.)
He'd lie about big things that any sane person would realize would come out eventually. ("No. I didn't overdraw the bank account. You must have." Only to have the bank pull up a copy of a cancelled check for thousands written by him...) And he'd lie about the stupidest stuff. Stuff that wouldn't have made me upset either way; stuff I didn't even ask about; stuff I would have never, ever known about had he not said anything.
I thought maybe the alcohol was just getting to his memory. And it might have on some of the things he'd lie about, but for the most part, that wasn't really the case. He was able to keep his lies straight and remember how they'd impact other parts of his stories. I really think he just thought everyone else was too slow to catch them. That might be more of a personality thing rather than an alcoholic thing. IDK.
He'd lie about big things that any sane person would realize would come out eventually. ("No. I didn't overdraw the bank account. You must have." Only to have the bank pull up a copy of a cancelled check for thousands written by him...) And he'd lie about the stupidest stuff. Stuff that wouldn't have made me upset either way; stuff I didn't even ask about; stuff I would have never, ever known about had he not said anything.
I thought maybe the alcohol was just getting to his memory. And it might have on some of the things he'd lie about, but for the most part, that wasn't really the case. He was able to keep his lies straight and remember how they'd impact other parts of his stories. I really think he just thought everyone else was too slow to catch them. That might be more of a personality thing rather than an alcoholic thing. IDK.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
I once heard someone say...how do you know an alcoholic is lying? Their lips are moving.
So yes ...they lie. A LOT. They like to gaslight also and make you think you are the crazy one. My abf accused me day and night of cheating (he was the one actually cheating I later discovered), also telling me things that were just outrageous and ridiculously false as though I was a dummy and didn't know any better.
You will get to a point where you just don't trust them so what they say no longer impacts your life. It goes in one ear out the other for me now. I use to hang on to a couple of threads, but now I just nod at everything he says. Actions speak volumes. An A's words are useless.
So yes ...they lie. A LOT. They like to gaslight also and make you think you are the crazy one. My abf accused me day and night of cheating (he was the one actually cheating I later discovered), also telling me things that were just outrageous and ridiculously false as though I was a dummy and didn't know any better.
You will get to a point where you just don't trust them so what they say no longer impacts your life. It goes in one ear out the other for me now. I use to hang on to a couple of threads, but now I just nod at everything he says. Actions speak volumes. An A's words are useless.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
^^^^^This right here^^^^^
My first day going to Al-Anon (which I did at my XAGF's request), they gave me a talk and a pamphlet.
It said point blank. In 3rd person words.
I am an alcoholic. I will be lying to you. Don't believe anything that I say. Forgive me because I can't help myself.
The person who introduced me later chatted with me and this topic came up.
Lying is like drinking. They can't live without it. They have to do one in order to keep doing the other.
That right there, summed it up pretty quickly for me.
My first day going to Al-Anon (which I did at my XAGF's request), they gave me a talk and a pamphlet.
It said point blank. In 3rd person words.
I am an alcoholic. I will be lying to you. Don't believe anything that I say. Forgive me because I can't help myself.
The person who introduced me later chatted with me and this topic came up.
Lying is like drinking. They can't live without it. They have to do one in order to keep doing the other.
That right there, summed it up pretty quickly for me.
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