speedyG

Hi, i just dont get it. Does the (ah) think i am stupped??? He is still drinking, he hides it, and will not kiss me, or trys to say away so i cant tell. Well we all know i can tell. HIs breath, his mannerizums and so on. I dont make him go to meetings, I TRY not to bitch, but man it is getting hard. I know all the al anon stuff. let it go, get off his back, he has the right. I dont want to fight. But i am so frustrated :banghead:
We do a lot of our talking in note form, cause of how we work and our sleepning patterns. Would it be wrong if i left a note telling him of my feelings and that i know. Or does that just make it worse????
HE makes up all kinds of excuses not to go to meetings, starts a project so he is to late to go . He say he will go next time. He says he wants to work his program but he cant find a sponcer that he feels good about. I know this is important to have a good repoor with that person, but get real.
Well , now that i have vented i do feel better, but Im not sure what to do. I any one has a thought please let me know what might help.
thanks in advance, sorry for the bad spelling but i was mad. But thanks for being here to help me.

gelfling

Hi Speedy,

No, he doesn't think you're stupid. He's just trying to hide the fact he's drinking and is failing miserably. And he knows it.

It's perfectly normal for an alcoholic to hide stuff. I hate to use the word "normal", but when it comes to the ah, that's standard. As long as you know what's going on in your life and know you can take control, try not to worry about him. I know, you've heard that a thousand times. But practicing detachment helps tremendously.

As to writing a note to him...that's your decision. In the past, when my ah was drinking, I kept a diary and in it I wrote letters to him telling him of my feelings and the pain that he caused. In a lot of ways, it did help. Like posting here. But thinking back now, when I talked, pleaded, begged, threatened or anything else that caused him anxiety while he was drinking, things got worse. I don't think even if I wrote those things directly to him, it would have any more impact then when I raised hell with him.

You know your ah better than anyone. Think first then decide.

Hugs, Kathy

redrose0729

I agree with Gelfling only you know. I used to try to monitor my A with his alcohol and it did not help now like on Saturday night I have told him go ahead drink it all cause their is no beer sales on Sunday...lol . I don't even say that anymore he knows it already but I do laugh inside when he has to sit on a Sunday with no alcohol...lol. Oh well thats his problem not mine. I have enough to handle with myself and my 2 kids.
And no he does not think you are stupid, he probally just cannot face you with the truth about his drinking. Really he is probally thinking pretty bad about himself when he is ready and tired of the way he is living he will reach out for help. Hope this helps some. Hugs.
Rose

speedyG

Thanks for your thoughts, i guess i knew the answer but i need some reasurance of my thoughts. I know what you say is right but it seams so hard to deal with and its nice to have somewhere to go to talk, vent, or even be with people who understand.
thanks again.

redrose

hi speedy,

i agree with the above, he doesn't think your'e stupid at all, he just knows you'll be disappointed and angry with him so he rather not deal with you and feel guilty and ashamed. it also sounds like i doesn't really want to stop since he's avoiding the meetings....i had A boyfriend for four years, i'm not A...he used to do that to me all the time.....it's better to take your frustration elsewhere at times like this because the guilt they feel causes them to drink more.....i used to go out every time he drank, either with friends or shopping.....i felt it was a waste of my time to stick around when he was drunk...try to think of other ways to fill your time it will help you to detach.

brightlight

I used to say all the time - do you think I am stupid! Do you think you are fooling me! I can smell your breath and I know you do not kiss me after you have been drinking. I just got through day 1 of no yelling and there really is something to this detachment thing.

best

He knows your not but figures he will give his best QUACK QUACK QUACK and hope that you don't see through his QUACK.
Bound up with alcohol. Fighting inside when he knows what is right and wrong. then blinded by alcohol. He is left with two things... QUACK and QUACK.
Still want to point out what is what but my words don't get listened to.
They need to want the change. neither you or I can force the truth into them.
Take care of ourself is what we can do though.

Aquiana

My bf did the same thing and I used to ask him if he thought I was stupid too. One night after a big argument about his drinking I found a beer can tucked in behind the table leg by my computer. It didn't take a genius to tell he hid it there. He still tried to deny it and said he found it on the floor and he just set it there and was not trying to hide it. It was very strategically placed I'd say then *rolling eyes*. After a while he quit trying to lie since I busted him every time and he found a new way to aggrevate me. He'd admit to it and say, "Would you rather I lied?" Nope, how about I'd rather you didn't do it at all. I think that was more aggrevating since it sounded like he wanted brownie points for telling the truth when he did something bad.

best

QUACK QUACK QUACK is still a QUACK even when written KCAUQ KCAUQ.

WHYOWHY

My Alcoholic husband is "King of the liars"

I can totally relate to the "kissing thing" .....
and asking the same question "Do you think I'm stupid " ?
(actually ...he knows you are smart ...and that is why he feels he has to hide it - If you were stupid...he probably wouldn't go to the trouble - smile)

I honestly think that part of the reason they hide it...is in their warped & pickled brains...they convince themselves that if nobody finds out ...then it really ain't happening (not logical - but I really think part of them believes it)

As far as MY husband is concerned:
Not only have I NEVER seen him drink a Beer in over two years (and he has drank thousands - belive me)
AND......Even when he KNOWS that I KNOW he has been drinking (his breath or slurring etc.)...he will still lie about HOW MANY.
His favorite is "I only had 2 beers"
(when he has actually had 6-12 (I know cause of the empty cans) .

I mean ..they are SUCH GOOD LIARS ( I guess practice makes perfect).

I used to think that maybe it was ME who was crazy sometimes ...trying to figure out whether THIS time he might be telling me the truth.....or feeling guilty for not beliving him when he says - stuff like:

" I know I've lied about drinking in the past..but THIS time I am telling the truth" - (he never was telling the truth - what an A-hole huh!

I would tear apart the house at times....looking for the "evidence"....just to confirm to myself ..that I WASN'T "crazy" ......or that it was not ME who was the a-hole ..for not beliving him " this time".

The good news is that
I have been really working on this "Policing his drinking" thing for about 2 weeks now....and it is actually working !

He still drinks & hides it....but I really have almost stopped mentioning it .
I have been spending my time going to Al-anon meetings & dieting & "venting in this forum) ...basically...improving MYSELF. It makes me feel more in control of my "out of control " life

The constant arguing & his QUACKING with him has stopped & I don't feel so "crazy" & I definetly don't feel guilty

It is REALLY hard to take the focus off him & put it on yourself ....but it makes things much better fo r you if you want to stick this out with him.