Crisis vs consequences
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Crisis vs consequences
When does consequences for my AH become creating crisis for my AH? If I feel the need to call the police or CPS. Am I creating a crisis or is it a natural consequence? By calling it's my action? Should another person call so it's not my action? Passive consequences? Trying to refer to and clarify ODAT. If my AH would have another DUI. If he calls me to bail him out, should I bail him out or not? How would he otherwise get released? Is it just my codependent nature to second guess calling the police or not bailing him out? By using the excuse I'm trying not to create a crisis.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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If you call the police or CPS because you or your children are in danger, are afraid , or need help, you didn't create a crisis; he did. Forget about the effect it has for him. Seeking help for yourself or your kids is your responsibility.
And if he gets locked up for a DUI, it isn't your job to bail him out. He can post his own bond, find someone else to do it, or sit there till his court date. If he gets locked up it will be due to his own actions, regardless of who reports it.
And if he gets locked up for a DUI, it isn't your job to bail him out. He can post his own bond, find someone else to do it, or sit there till his court date. If he gets locked up it will be due to his own actions, regardless of who reports it.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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Take care of yourself no matter what, HH. In the plane you have to put your oxygen mask on first before you can help anyone else otherwise no one is helped. I recommend looking to Alanon for knowledge in coping with your AH. They have BTDT. Sending hugs your way and hoping you will get many responses from the folks that reside here.
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Deep breath, Hearthealth. Sending hugs. One way to look at it would be to take a step back and imagine that it's not your AH. If you called to report some one (a stranger) driving under the influence, would you blame yourself for their predicament and feel like you caused the panic they might feel as they try to deal with the fallout from a DUI charge? Most likely not. It really is the same with your AH, it just doesn't feel like it because you're so much closer to the outcome.
Does he regularly drive while intoxicated?
If so: unless you sit watching him drink all night and then casually toss him the keys to the car with a request to go get something at the store, just so you could then call to report him, you're not creating a crisis. You're dealing with a known issue, a situation that could have life-altering consequences no matter what you do.
If not: ODAT.... One day at a time. If you're running through these scenarios and its not his usual MO, but you're just pondering what to do IF he were to drive after drinking, you're kind of borrowing worry.
Does he regularly drive while intoxicated?
If so: unless you sit watching him drink all night and then casually toss him the keys to the car with a request to go get something at the store, just so you could then call to report him, you're not creating a crisis. You're dealing with a known issue, a situation that could have life-altering consequences no matter what you do.
If not: ODAT.... One day at a time. If you're running through these scenarios and its not his usual MO, but you're just pondering what to do IF he were to drive after drinking, you're kind of borrowing worry.
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Is it just my codependent nature to second guess calling the police or not bailing him out? By using the excuse I'm trying not to create a crisis.
And the second part of any crisis involving an alcoholic is blame, they blame anyone and everyone except themselves for their own actions.
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Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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"Is it just my codependent nature to second guess calling the police or not bailing him out? "
no, your codependant nature is putting him and his crap ahead of your own well being.
worrying is like prayin for something bad to happen.
no, your codependant nature is putting him and his crap ahead of your own well being.
worrying is like prayin for something bad to happen.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Hi heart, I agree with the above posters. Definitely, if you are feeling threatened or in danger, you should call the police. I struggled with that also, though.
I finally did call the police, but there were many many times I wanted to call the, when he was raging and I was scared, but I didn't, I just waited, and hoped and prayed he would just pass out.
He used to drink and drive ALL the time too. I never reported that, but I wish I would have...
Don't bail him out!! I did once though, and I'm sure many of us here have. When he got his second DUI, I felt like I had to at that time... I didn't really even consider the option of NOT doing it. But I didn't have to, and neither do you. He'll get out when he gets out.... if it comes to that.
Are you worried of his retaliation if he knows you called?
Big Hugs to you!!!
I finally did call the police, but there were many many times I wanted to call the, when he was raging and I was scared, but I didn't, I just waited, and hoped and prayed he would just pass out.
He used to drink and drive ALL the time too. I never reported that, but I wish I would have...
Don't bail him out!! I did once though, and I'm sure many of us here have. When he got his second DUI, I felt like I had to at that time... I didn't really even consider the option of NOT doing it. But I didn't have to, and neither do you. He'll get out when he gets out.... if it comes to that.
Are you worried of his retaliation if he knows you called?
Big Hugs to you!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Originally Posted by Kboys 
Are you worried of his retaliation if he knows you called?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Originally Posted by hearthealth
His and his families. My BIL said I should thank BIL for bailing AH out. I didn't feel like I was the one to thank them, AH domain. IL's kept adding all these things about how bad it could have been. Which most was quackering they had no information just stuff to blaming me.
When I was with AH, a therapist I was seeing advised that I talk to a trusted neighbor and let them know what was going on, so that they could call the police if they heard the drunk raging going on, or have some sort of sign, like flashing the outside light or something... that way you wouldn't have to be the one to call... just a neighbor with some concerns.
I never did that though. I didn't have any neighbors I felt comfortable enough to have that conversation with. I often did walk outside when he was raging at me though, knowing he would follow me, and praying someone would hear and call, but they never did...
Stay safe!!!
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you and your children are IN crisis due to living with an abusive active alcoholic.
try to imagine this "person" who does these things is not your "husband" but just some random person.....who endangers your safety. if that person threatened you, harmed your children, or drove drunk with that precious cargo, THEN what would you do?
calling the police or CPS is an PROACTIVE step.
bailing him out afterwards is codependency.
stay safe. take APPROPRIATE precautions. make a solid plan. inform trusted others. have an escape plan.
try to imagine this "person" who does these things is not your "husband" but just some random person.....who endangers your safety. if that person threatened you, harmed your children, or drove drunk with that precious cargo, THEN what would you do?
calling the police or CPS is an PROACTIVE step.
bailing him out afterwards is codependency.
stay safe. take APPROPRIATE precautions. make a solid plan. inform trusted others. have an escape plan.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Originally Posted by hearthealth
When does consequences for my AH become creating crisis for my AH? ... By using the excuse I'm trying not to create a crisis.
She was hiding her drinking from her doctor and her family of origin - living a very different life than they thought she was.
When I told my own doctor about the reality of my ex's drinking and behaviour, my doctor told me that my ex's drinking was placing my ex at life threatening risk.
My doctor then told me that if a doctor (Doctor 1) is told about a life threatening risk to another doctor's patient (Doctor 2's patient), then Doctor 1 must make sure that Doctor 2 is informed of the risk to Doctor 2's patient's life.
So at that point, on the advice of my own doctor, I contacted my ex's doctor with full details of my ex's drinking.
My ex and her family of origin then went bezerk - they acted as if I was creating crisis - but it was consequence.
And that consequence was ONLY brought to her doctor's attention in order to save her life. That is the whole point of that requirement for doctors to make sure the treating doctor is informed in those situations - life comes first.
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Originally Posted by Kboys
He used to drink and drive ALL the time too. I never reported that, but I wish I would have...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qN2oPp5Dmr0
This video is good too ...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37evH0iJxkU
Last edited by DesertEyes; 09-15-2016 at 12:47 PM.
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Originally Posted by timetohealguy
I went through similar stuff with my ex.
She was hiding her drinking from her doctor and her family of origin - living a very different life than they thought she was.
When I told my own doctor about the reality of my ex's drinking and behaviour, my doctor told me that my ex's drinking was placing my ex at life threatening risk.
My doctor then told me that if a doctor (Doctor 1) is told about a life threatening risk to another doctor's patient (Doctor 2's patient), then Doctor 1 must make sure that Doctor 2 is informed of the risk to Doctor 2's patient's life.
So at that point, on the advice of my own doctor, I contacted my ex's doctor with full details of my ex's drinking.
My ex and her family of origin then went bezerk - they acted as if I was creating crisis - but it was consequence.
And that consequence was ONLY brought to her doctor's attention in order to save her life. That is the whole point of that requirement for doctors to make sure the treating doctor is informed in those situations - life comes first.
She was hiding her drinking from her doctor and her family of origin - living a very different life than they thought she was.
When I told my own doctor about the reality of my ex's drinking and behaviour, my doctor told me that my ex's drinking was placing my ex at life threatening risk.
My doctor then told me that if a doctor (Doctor 1) is told about a life threatening risk to another doctor's patient (Doctor 2's patient), then Doctor 1 must make sure that Doctor 2 is informed of the risk to Doctor 2's patient's life.
So at that point, on the advice of my own doctor, I contacted my ex's doctor with full details of my ex's drinking.
My ex and her family of origin then went bezerk - they acted as if I was creating crisis - but it was consequence.
And that consequence was ONLY brought to her doctor's attention in order to save her life. That is the whole point of that requirement for doctors to make sure the treating doctor is informed in those situations - life comes first.
Originally Posted by hearthealth
By calling it's my action? Should another person call so it's not my action? Passive consequences?
That has the same result of her doctor being fully aware of the reality, but by me being the one who contacted my ex's doctor, I became the target of the anger of both my ex and my ex's family.
Had I instead asked my doctor to inform my ex's doctor, that would have given me a bit of cover from the anger of my ex and my ex's family - instead I was ostracised, blamed and scapegoated.
Blowing the whistle on my ex's drinking needed to be done in the situation I found myself in, but in hindsight, I wish I had asked my doctor to blow that whistle instead of doing that myself.
In a family situation, particularly if there is any denial in the family of origin, if a family member blows the whistle, then the whistleblower can end up being subjected to a lot of additional stress and unnecessary blame, and becoming the family scapegoat, whereas a doctor can simply say "As soon as I become aware of a risk to a patients' life, I am required under a doctor's duty of care to inform the treating doctor".
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If you feel like you or your children may be harmed, call the cops. You and your children come first. Imagine the impact on your children if they watch him hit you/abuse you (verbally or physically)... You guys come first. Do this for your kids.
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