hanging in there
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hanging in there
Not a good day...
My husband and I came home from church I went to pick up pizza, he brought a whole pizza upstairs in the bedroom........didnt eat with the rest of us.....I went upstairs and said to him are you to good to eat with the rest of us.......probably shouldnt have....but that is my mood today....I left the room started laundry and doing my own thing.......went back upstairs and he was sleeping.........I said I am tired of living with a house full of people and feeling so alone........I dont know if he heard me or not.....I left and continued doing other things and I guess feeling sorry for myself..........I decided to leave for awhile........he was sleeping but my 15 year old was here.........I left didnt tell anyone where i was going and just left for awhile.......and was doing something for me........I just came home..........and was cussed out by my husband..........where did you go ect........why did you leave....and not tell anyone where you were going.......do you know where Bree was (6) she was outside playing in the backyard on the swing......
I was just called outside to get yelled at for what my dog did...he chewed a couple of branches off the rose bush......my husband was cussing and swearing at me because i wasnt watching him....and if he does it again he is going to get rid of him.......
how nice........I just dont know how much longer i can hang in there.....
My husband and I came home from church I went to pick up pizza, he brought a whole pizza upstairs in the bedroom........didnt eat with the rest of us.....I went upstairs and said to him are you to good to eat with the rest of us.......probably shouldnt have....but that is my mood today....I left the room started laundry and doing my own thing.......went back upstairs and he was sleeping.........I said I am tired of living with a house full of people and feeling so alone........I dont know if he heard me or not.....I left and continued doing other things and I guess feeling sorry for myself..........I decided to leave for awhile........he was sleeping but my 15 year old was here.........I left didnt tell anyone where i was going and just left for awhile.......and was doing something for me........I just came home..........and was cussed out by my husband..........where did you go ect........why did you leave....and not tell anyone where you were going.......do you know where Bree was (6) she was outside playing in the backyard on the swing......
I was just called outside to get yelled at for what my dog did...he chewed a couple of branches off the rose bush......my husband was cussing and swearing at me because i wasnt watching him....and if he does it again he is going to get rid of him.......
how nice........I just dont know how much longer i can hang in there.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
hi Gracey! I'm sorry you are having such a rough day sweetie. Don't pay attention to your AH - he is just quacking. I'm glad you stepped out for a little bit for yourself, that's okay - I guess he doesn't realize he is an adult at home as well. Oh well, I know the drill...I just wanted to give you a big ((((((Gracie)))))) hug!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: mission viejo, ca
Posts: 20
gracey,
first of, big hug. but honey...don't you think you deserve to be treated better? you AH is laying at home doing nothing and instead of helping out while you went out he yells and screams at you? you shouldn't put up with this.....he's a grown man he is capable of doing things on his own, he's yelling and quaking so he'll never have to take in responsibilities for himself or anyone else....
first of, big hug. but honey...don't you think you deserve to be treated better? you AH is laying at home doing nothing and instead of helping out while you went out he yells and screams at you? you shouldn't put up with this.....he's a grown man he is capable of doing things on his own, he's yelling and quaking so he'll never have to take in responsibilities for himself or anyone else....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Gracey -
It is a terrible feeling to feel like you do. You need to ask yourself a few questions? Why am I willing to live like this? Am I willing to make the changes in myself that will allow me to live a more tolerable life with this man? Am I and are my children really OK living like this? Do I stay because I am fearful of the unknown? Will things only get worse for all of us if I stay? What would my life and my kids lives be like without all that you are living through right now. Gracey, please ask yourself these questions. Go back and read all of your posts. What has changed in your life, what hasn't. What can you change and what can't you. You seem to be living the same day over and over again. Once you get stuck, it is sooo hard to drag the first foot out of the mud but it can be done. Do you have a sponsor, a counsellor, someone that you can trust that can help you find your way through? I am afraid that your very spirit is being threatened. Drag that foot out, Gracey and keep going until you are where you need to be.
Hugs, Jo
It is a terrible feeling to feel like you do. You need to ask yourself a few questions? Why am I willing to live like this? Am I willing to make the changes in myself that will allow me to live a more tolerable life with this man? Am I and are my children really OK living like this? Do I stay because I am fearful of the unknown? Will things only get worse for all of us if I stay? What would my life and my kids lives be like without all that you are living through right now. Gracey, please ask yourself these questions. Go back and read all of your posts. What has changed in your life, what hasn't. What can you change and what can't you. You seem to be living the same day over and over again. Once you get stuck, it is sooo hard to drag the first foot out of the mud but it can be done. Do you have a sponsor, a counsellor, someone that you can trust that can help you find your way through? I am afraid that your very spirit is being threatened. Drag that foot out, Gracey and keep going until you are where you need to be.
Hugs, Jo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Originally Posted by jojo
I am afraid that your very spirit is being threatened. Drag that foot out, Gracey and keep going until you are where you need to be.
We all need a mention when our spirits are being threatened.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 168
Hey Gracey,
I know how you feel I lived like that too with my ex. Then one day I finally realized me and the kids would be better off without him and made the move. I planned ahead of course one thing I did was wore a tape recorder around the house and taped how he was treating me and the kids (boy was he surprised by that and afraid of that too).
The next thing I did was get an attorney and set things up so I could leave. I left because I could not make it in the town we lived in so I moved closer to my family. I thank God for them they got me a car and helped me get started. I may have had to live on welfare for a little while but you know what at least it was a stable home for my kids instead of jumping up and moving every few months. We moved about 17 times in about 7 1/2 years and I was tired of it and it was getting to my kids. Everytime they made friends they had to leave them I did not want them growing up that way. Plus I did not want them to think it was ok for a man to treat a woman the way their daddy was treating me. My addict bf doesnt even treat me that way and thats sad. I use to be angry at my ex for all the things he did to me and then with time away I realized that the only reason he could have treated me the way he did was because I allowed him to. I was too scared of alot of things I was afraid to admit my marriage was a failure and that made me feel like a failure, I was afraid that I could not make it on my own, and I was afraid to take the girls away from their daddy. He would tell me I could not make it that it would be too hard on my own then I realized it couldn't be any harder that what I had been through. I cannot tell you how many times I had to call charity organizations and churches to pay my rent and utilities ( very embarrassing especially churches I had never attended ) . I think though the biggest fear for me was feeling like a failure once I realized I wasn't a failure that it just was not working then it made things a whole lot easier. I hope my story helps some . Hugs to you .
Rose
I know how you feel I lived like that too with my ex. Then one day I finally realized me and the kids would be better off without him and made the move. I planned ahead of course one thing I did was wore a tape recorder around the house and taped how he was treating me and the kids (boy was he surprised by that and afraid of that too).
The next thing I did was get an attorney and set things up so I could leave. I left because I could not make it in the town we lived in so I moved closer to my family. I thank God for them they got me a car and helped me get started. I may have had to live on welfare for a little while but you know what at least it was a stable home for my kids instead of jumping up and moving every few months. We moved about 17 times in about 7 1/2 years and I was tired of it and it was getting to my kids. Everytime they made friends they had to leave them I did not want them growing up that way. Plus I did not want them to think it was ok for a man to treat a woman the way their daddy was treating me. My addict bf doesnt even treat me that way and thats sad. I use to be angry at my ex for all the things he did to me and then with time away I realized that the only reason he could have treated me the way he did was because I allowed him to. I was too scared of alot of things I was afraid to admit my marriage was a failure and that made me feel like a failure, I was afraid that I could not make it on my own, and I was afraid to take the girls away from their daddy. He would tell me I could not make it that it would be too hard on my own then I realized it couldn't be any harder that what I had been through. I cannot tell you how many times I had to call charity organizations and churches to pay my rent and utilities ( very embarrassing especially churches I had never attended ) . I think though the biggest fear for me was feeling like a failure once I realized I wasn't a failure that it just was not working then it made things a whole lot easier. I hope my story helps some . Hugs to you .
Rose
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I want to first say thank you everyone for your kinds words....and encouragement......this is what is keeping me going right now....
I did ended up going to church lastnight by myself.......it was a wonderful sermon....I went home with such a good feeling.....I was in a pretty good mood........after service......I went home and my husband was in bed watching tv.....so I started dinner......went to cosco with neighbor....on Friday night......bought some steak.........yummy.......so when I came home from church.....I immediatley started dinner.......and made some yummy cinnamon rolls for next days breakfast........I was talking to my six year old..........and we were having fun...........
the nightmare begins.........i hear the thumping down the stairs.......I think he went to use the bathroom to plan on how mean he was going to be before he approached me........as he asked me what my problem was.........I told him that I had none.......I told him I am actually in a very good mood........and the evening service was wonderful...........he begins cussing at me......because of the dog issue earlier......and because of me leaving for a while earlier and leaving Bree.......I was at a lost for words........I dont know what to say anymore.......no matter what I said he was not going to stop until I begged for forgiveness and admitted what I did was wrong........and give him a solution on how it wasnt going to happen again.....he called my daughter a Moth*** Fu*****......to me........my 15 year old.......who was at a friends at that point.......I said what did she do..............he threw his ring at me........told me he wants a divorce.....said he wishes he wasnt here.......he wished he didnt wake up in the morning that would take care of everything........he was having an adult tantrum.........he told me that he would rather blow up the house then have me stay in it......especially that individual down stairs........(my 15 year old) he kept following me around the house till 11:30 pm.......and he started around 8:30.........I am tired today.......I told my husband lastnight that I am scared of him........He said he wanted the divorce.......I said okay........he asked me to never let that happen again with the dog.....or Bree........I said okay.........I didnt want to fight.........but you see no matter how agreeable.....or disagreeable with alcohol or no alcohol......it doesnt matter........I have changed........I have grown.......I can admit to alot of things that I need to do to help myself.......I am stronger......normally this would have been a war.....I would have fought back.....I would have cussed back at him........when he acts like this.........i have this calmness about me..........and I try to be reasonable........I know that fighting does me or us no good........but after two hours of being followed around........all I could do was cry........and then after he breaks me and I cry........the apologies start.........the phone call at home this morning.....to tell me what a jerk he was lastnight......and he is sorry and that he loves me........the phone message when I came to work......telling me how beautiful I am and how sorry he is again......and he hopes that I have a wonderful day.......
no one can help me but me..........and I am trying to give it to God........and I am trying to change.........I am not trying to control things.......anymore.....I know that I cant.........I know that I am only in control of me.........I am controlling how I react......
I did ended up going to church lastnight by myself.......it was a wonderful sermon....I went home with such a good feeling.....I was in a pretty good mood........after service......I went home and my husband was in bed watching tv.....so I started dinner......went to cosco with neighbor....on Friday night......bought some steak.........yummy.......so when I came home from church.....I immediatley started dinner.......and made some yummy cinnamon rolls for next days breakfast........I was talking to my six year old..........and we were having fun...........
the nightmare begins.........i hear the thumping down the stairs.......I think he went to use the bathroom to plan on how mean he was going to be before he approached me........as he asked me what my problem was.........I told him that I had none.......I told him I am actually in a very good mood........and the evening service was wonderful...........he begins cussing at me......because of the dog issue earlier......and because of me leaving for a while earlier and leaving Bree.......I was at a lost for words........I dont know what to say anymore.......no matter what I said he was not going to stop until I begged for forgiveness and admitted what I did was wrong........and give him a solution on how it wasnt going to happen again.....he called my daughter a Moth*** Fu*****......to me........my 15 year old.......who was at a friends at that point.......I said what did she do..............he threw his ring at me........told me he wants a divorce.....said he wishes he wasnt here.......he wished he didnt wake up in the morning that would take care of everything........he was having an adult tantrum.........he told me that he would rather blow up the house then have me stay in it......especially that individual down stairs........(my 15 year old) he kept following me around the house till 11:30 pm.......and he started around 8:30.........I am tired today.......I told my husband lastnight that I am scared of him........He said he wanted the divorce.......I said okay........he asked me to never let that happen again with the dog.....or Bree........I said okay.........I didnt want to fight.........but you see no matter how agreeable.....or disagreeable with alcohol or no alcohol......it doesnt matter........I have changed........I have grown.......I can admit to alot of things that I need to do to help myself.......I am stronger......normally this would have been a war.....I would have fought back.....I would have cussed back at him........when he acts like this.........i have this calmness about me..........and I try to be reasonable........I know that fighting does me or us no good........but after two hours of being followed around........all I could do was cry........and then after he breaks me and I cry........the apologies start.........the phone call at home this morning.....to tell me what a jerk he was lastnight......and he is sorry and that he loves me........the phone message when I came to work......telling me how beautiful I am and how sorry he is again......and he hopes that I have a wonderful day.......
no one can help me but me..........and I am trying to give it to God........and I am trying to change.........I am not trying to control things.......anymore.....I know that I cant.........I know that I am only in control of me.........I am controlling how I react......
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: No where
Posts: 79
Gracey
I don't know how you do it. It sounds to me that he has to yell at you and blame you for everything because he knows you are getting better and he is not. It seems like he wants you to break so he can apologize. No one should have to put up with abuse. No apologies can really make it better unless it stops. Hang in there and work on YOU.
I don't know how you do it. It sounds to me that he has to yell at you and blame you for everything because he knows you are getting better and he is not. It seems like he wants you to break so he can apologize. No one should have to put up with abuse. No apologies can really make it better unless it stops. Hang in there and work on YOU.
Radar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
(((( Gracey)))) No one should have to live like this and it's not good for your kids. Kepp going to church and pray and God will help you. At the very least, you will have a calmer spirit.
He sounds abusive. I hope you won't take this wrong but I wouldn't leave my kids alone with him. I pray that you will be able to get away from him.
He sounds abusive. I hope you won't take this wrong but I wouldn't leave my kids alone with him. I pray that you will be able to get away from him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
i have this calmness about me...
That calmness is acceptance, Gracey. Acceptance of what is. Acceptance that it is beyond our control.
We have to accept the situation in order to make decisions about what we want to do about it.
Hugs - L
That calmness is acceptance, Gracey. Acceptance of what is. Acceptance that it is beyond our control.
We have to accept the situation in order to make decisions about what we want to do about it.
Hugs - L
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I have tried finding a sponsor but to no avail.......the one meeting that I go to a week.........does not have a phone list.........I was going to try to get to more then one meeting a week some time ago.......had great intentions.......but it hasnt happened yet.......
I dont like my counselor so I have decided not to go to him anymore.........he for sure is not helping anyway........I have learned so much more from this site.......and my one meeting a week........but as time does go by.......the answers are coming to me........slowly........I dont like the answers that I am coming up with.......but I know they are the right answers......I am just not ready to act on those answers........
I have no hope left for us.........you are right Lorelai........Acceptance was a really hard one for me........but I am there.......now I need courage........and I am going to ask God to give me the courage......to do his will...........this is very hard because I know what lies in my future..........and yes, this scares me...........
I dont like my counselor so I have decided not to go to him anymore.........he for sure is not helping anyway........I have learned so much more from this site.......and my one meeting a week........but as time does go by.......the answers are coming to me........slowly........I dont like the answers that I am coming up with.......but I know they are the right answers......I am just not ready to act on those answers........
I have no hope left for us.........you are right Lorelai........Acceptance was a really hard one for me........but I am there.......now I need courage........and I am going to ask God to give me the courage......to do his will...........this is very hard because I know what lies in my future..........and yes, this scares me...........
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: va
Posts: 17
Sorry Gracie That man needs some serious medication for his mental illness, maybe he needs to see a mental Health Dr ..If he acting like this bein sober for a bit now theres more going on in his brain ... and i would most definalty watch your 15 yr old .. around him ...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
I am just not ready to act on those answers........
You'll know when you are ready. I know that, for me, when people told me how horrible my H was and that I should get away from him, it didn't help. It just made me censor what I said to them in the future.
Nobody has a right to tell you what to do. That's the whole point, to me. You are capable of making your own decisions and, when you are ready, you will. I have faith in you, Gracey.
Stay safe - L
You'll know when you are ready. I know that, for me, when people told me how horrible my H was and that I should get away from him, it didn't help. It just made me censor what I said to them in the future.
Nobody has a right to tell you what to do. That's the whole point, to me. You are capable of making your own decisions and, when you are ready, you will. I have faith in you, Gracey.
Stay safe - L
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