I do not think I know what love is
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
I do not think I know what love is
This thought just occurred to me. Now, I know what love is not, and that's a good start. But I am just wondering if I'll ever be able to get involved romantically with a man. Partially, I am terrified, but I also do not feel like going through romance again. It just really annoys me. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I have no idea. I'm still young (or at least I like to think so), and there still should be a spark somewhere.
All I know is that I am happy alone and do not feel the urge to look for a new relationship.
So, I'll keep fixing my life. Will be moving to a bigger place end of September. Right now, I am picking new furniture for my little castle in the clouds, but sometimes I wonder if it is good that I am so possessive of my peace. Will I ever be able to let someone in again? And then, do I even care? Is this a phase or . . . ?
I wonder if anyone else experienced this feeling.
All I know is that I am happy alone and do not feel the urge to look for a new relationship.
So, I'll keep fixing my life. Will be moving to a bigger place end of September. Right now, I am picking new furniture for my little castle in the clouds, but sometimes I wonder if it is good that I am so possessive of my peace. Will I ever be able to let someone in again? And then, do I even care? Is this a phase or . . . ?
I wonder if anyone else experienced this feeling.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 193
You sound like you're pretty darn happy and content.
It might indeed be a phase, but if so, it doesn't seem to be a bad one to enjoy for a while!
I did find that when I was in a new relationship with a healthy partner, I was still apt to "self-soothe" as my therapist called it. She recognized that I had figured out ways to withdraw mentally and emotionally from my AH to protect myself. These behaviors were defense mechanisms I no longer needed in a new and functional relationship. But she slowly coaxed me out of them by helping me to see what I was doing, and how much better it was when I let my new partner actually PARTNER with me when things weren't going well.
(Actually in truth, I still do it, but at least I can recognize it for what it is, "I need to self-soothe a little before I can talk about it." And my husband will hand me a slice of pizza or a glass of wine and the remote to some trashy TV and sit next to me without talking until I'm ready to speak. The partnership I have with him looks nothing like the marriage I had with AXH.)
At any rate, I hope you enjoy every minute of your solitude, you sound like you are healing yourself.
It might indeed be a phase, but if so, it doesn't seem to be a bad one to enjoy for a while!
I did find that when I was in a new relationship with a healthy partner, I was still apt to "self-soothe" as my therapist called it. She recognized that I had figured out ways to withdraw mentally and emotionally from my AH to protect myself. These behaviors were defense mechanisms I no longer needed in a new and functional relationship. But she slowly coaxed me out of them by helping me to see what I was doing, and how much better it was when I let my new partner actually PARTNER with me when things weren't going well.
(Actually in truth, I still do it, but at least I can recognize it for what it is, "I need to self-soothe a little before I can talk about it." And my husband will hand me a slice of pizza or a glass of wine and the remote to some trashy TV and sit next to me without talking until I'm ready to speak. The partnership I have with him looks nothing like the marriage I had with AXH.)
At any rate, I hope you enjoy every minute of your solitude, you sound like you are healing yourself.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm pretty much the same way, and it's been ten years since my last relationship ended. The first marriage was good until I got restless, the second marriage and the 5-year relationship that followed were mostly unmitigated disasters, but I love living alone.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it. I don't see anything wrong with loving your own space and independence. We aren't (or shouldn't be) "incomplete" without a partner. A partner can ADD something to your life, but it shouldn't be essential, IMO. I wish I had realized this back when I was in my early 20s. I completely defined myself and my worth by whether I was with someone. If I had it all to do over again, I'd be a lot more circumspect about jumping into relationships.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it. I don't see anything wrong with loving your own space and independence. We aren't (or shouldn't be) "incomplete" without a partner. A partner can ADD something to your life, but it shouldn't be essential, IMO. I wish I had realized this back when I was in my early 20s. I completely defined myself and my worth by whether I was with someone. If I had it all to do over again, I'd be a lot more circumspect about jumping into relationships.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
I married young to XAH - I was 23, divorced him recently at 36. I had a couple of "serious" boyfriends before him - they lasted about 1 year each.
I cannot imagine being in a relationship right now - and between working full time and having full custody of DS I cannot fathom carving out time for dating. I would not even know where to start, and it all seems like a major pain in the rear (my never married younger childless friends seem to find dating a pain, it means I am toast).
On the other hand it would be nice to experience a man taking me out on dates, buying flowers, jewelry, what have you....
All in all, my self esteem is sort of low these days (XAH contributed to that in one of the "early sobriety rants" on how I will always be alone). He, on the other hand, is now "free of responsibilities" of raising his son, and has all kinds of time to socialize. Oh well l would not want to trade with him - ever.
No dating for me!
I cannot imagine being in a relationship right now - and between working full time and having full custody of DS I cannot fathom carving out time for dating. I would not even know where to start, and it all seems like a major pain in the rear (my never married younger childless friends seem to find dating a pain, it means I am toast).
On the other hand it would be nice to experience a man taking me out on dates, buying flowers, jewelry, what have you....
All in all, my self esteem is sort of low these days (XAH contributed to that in one of the "early sobriety rants" on how I will always be alone). He, on the other hand, is now "free of responsibilities" of raising his son, and has all kinds of time to socialize. Oh well l would not want to trade with him - ever.
No dating for me!
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
Healthyagain,
Iīm feeling exactly the same way as you. Actually I was thinking a few days ago that Iīd much rather move forward in my career than find a new romantic interest, and how odd that is. I guess Iīve always felt that being in a relationship was primordial and defined my worth, so in a way itīs freeing not to have that pressure anymore. I notice Iīm completely out of "be flirty and available" mode with men, I donīt give a damn.
On the other hand, I feel being in a relationship is so much work and I just donīt want to invest any more in that. Perhaps Iīm being overly negative about relationships, I donīt know. One of my best friends was always my role model for a wonderful marriage and I thought she was so lucky to have found a great husband. She never put much effort in anything more than being a wife a mom, being the wife in a succesful marriage was her whole identity. Now it seems things are going south and she is so depressed, itīs like she doesnīt know who she is, I feel so sorry for her. But it made me realize maybe itīs healthier to focus on yourself and learn how to be YOU independently of who youīre involved with.
Iīm feeling exactly the same way as you. Actually I was thinking a few days ago that Iīd much rather move forward in my career than find a new romantic interest, and how odd that is. I guess Iīve always felt that being in a relationship was primordial and defined my worth, so in a way itīs freeing not to have that pressure anymore. I notice Iīm completely out of "be flirty and available" mode with men, I donīt give a damn.
On the other hand, I feel being in a relationship is so much work and I just donīt want to invest any more in that. Perhaps Iīm being overly negative about relationships, I donīt know. One of my best friends was always my role model for a wonderful marriage and I thought she was so lucky to have found a great husband. She never put much effort in anything more than being a wife a mom, being the wife in a succesful marriage was her whole identity. Now it seems things are going south and she is so depressed, itīs like she doesnīt know who she is, I feel so sorry for her. But it made me realize maybe itīs healthier to focus on yourself and learn how to be YOU independently of who youīre involved with.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
I hear you!
I had an interesting conversation with a friend this weekend who went through a marriage and divorce very similar to mine, also about 3 years ago. We both agreed that we've never experienced that feeling--of being in a relationship and knowing that if he died, you'd deeply MISS your partner, and struggle as you learned to move on.
Sounds silly I know, but we both didn't really like life with our husbands. Yes I mourned the loss of my dream...but I didn't really mind my actual husband disappearing. In fact, I used to daydream that he died (yes I admit that). That's sort of a bucket list thing for both of us to someday experience that mutual deep caring love-- but even as we said that, we both said we didn't know if we'd ever want to live with a guy again, and might not want him around more than a few days a week. Not sure how those two things coexist.
I thoroughly enjoy my peace, and also my SELF that I found again. I've recently had a very long term friendship with a guy turn into more (he's 6'8"...seriously, that's so attractive--I'm a tall woman). His wife cheated on him and he found himself going through divorce as well. I've loved him as a friend for years--which is both awesome and frightening. He knows me. He knows that I've been very clear for a while that "when I get me a boyfriend, he'll be the kind that has his own place and only comes around when I want him to". It's sort of a standing joke in our friend group.
Anyway, I'm finding myself battling with my own boundaries as I realize I like him around more, but still am not willing to give up my "freedom". I sometimes worry that I won't be a caring, giving person able to truly love in a relationship. Other times I think that the new me is a much healthier me, and I'm listening to my inner voice. If I don't feel happy or feel myself doing things that over-accommodate, I try to stop myself. I've had several conversations with him that have confused him--because he says he'd like to be with me all the time. I say nope...time to go away...but I still care about you deeply and want to date you. Those chats haven't been easy, since I feel like I'm hurting him. But they're necessary. I sometimes think it's different for guys and they need less space. (This could be grossly incorrect, just my feeling.)
I'm starting to see glimpses of a future that could include more, which surprises me some (and then scares me, because I don't want someone else's desires squashing any plans I may concoct for my future!) But right now that feels very far away, not a matter of months. So I'm just seeing what comes.
Though this weekend I had a fever/cold, and he came by and cleaned my kitchen and took the trash out...without even really seeing me...and I thought...that was pretty darn cool. Sometimes I'd like a guy around just to split up the work, even though I know that's not what it's about.
And then I think, if it ends, that's fine too.
Sometimes I feel like Sybil, lol.
And I actually think it's completely healthy.
I decided a while ago that now that I know what feels right, if I catch myself feeling uncomfortable, I need to act on it, even if the conversations are difficult.
This is a long post to say--I completely understand!! If this hadn't started I wouldn't be seeking it out yet, that's for sure.
I had an interesting conversation with a friend this weekend who went through a marriage and divorce very similar to mine, also about 3 years ago. We both agreed that we've never experienced that feeling--of being in a relationship and knowing that if he died, you'd deeply MISS your partner, and struggle as you learned to move on.
Sounds silly I know, but we both didn't really like life with our husbands. Yes I mourned the loss of my dream...but I didn't really mind my actual husband disappearing. In fact, I used to daydream that he died (yes I admit that). That's sort of a bucket list thing for both of us to someday experience that mutual deep caring love-- but even as we said that, we both said we didn't know if we'd ever want to live with a guy again, and might not want him around more than a few days a week. Not sure how those two things coexist.
I thoroughly enjoy my peace, and also my SELF that I found again. I've recently had a very long term friendship with a guy turn into more (he's 6'8"...seriously, that's so attractive--I'm a tall woman). His wife cheated on him and he found himself going through divorce as well. I've loved him as a friend for years--which is both awesome and frightening. He knows me. He knows that I've been very clear for a while that "when I get me a boyfriend, he'll be the kind that has his own place and only comes around when I want him to". It's sort of a standing joke in our friend group.
Anyway, I'm finding myself battling with my own boundaries as I realize I like him around more, but still am not willing to give up my "freedom". I sometimes worry that I won't be a caring, giving person able to truly love in a relationship. Other times I think that the new me is a much healthier me, and I'm listening to my inner voice. If I don't feel happy or feel myself doing things that over-accommodate, I try to stop myself. I've had several conversations with him that have confused him--because he says he'd like to be with me all the time. I say nope...time to go away...but I still care about you deeply and want to date you. Those chats haven't been easy, since I feel like I'm hurting him. But they're necessary. I sometimes think it's different for guys and they need less space. (This could be grossly incorrect, just my feeling.)
I'm starting to see glimpses of a future that could include more, which surprises me some (and then scares me, because I don't want someone else's desires squashing any plans I may concoct for my future!) But right now that feels very far away, not a matter of months. So I'm just seeing what comes.
Though this weekend I had a fever/cold, and he came by and cleaned my kitchen and took the trash out...without even really seeing me...and I thought...that was pretty darn cool. Sometimes I'd like a guy around just to split up the work, even though I know that's not what it's about.
And then I think, if it ends, that's fine too.
Sometimes I feel like Sybil, lol.
And I actually think it's completely healthy.
I decided a while ago that now that I know what feels right, if I catch myself feeling uncomfortable, I need to act on it, even if the conversations are difficult.
This is a long post to say--I completely understand!! If this hadn't started I wouldn't be seeking it out yet, that's for sure.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 121
If you're happy alone, then enjoy your alone time. If you don't want to look for a relationship or search for love, then just keep loving yourself.
Love could find you when you're not expecting it. When you have lots of time to love yourself, focus on you, and attach yourself to peace- you're not exactly going to open your life up to chaos.
What will be, will be. Don't force anything.
You're doing the healthy thing and living your life and loving yourself.
Enjoy decorating your castle! xD
Love could find you when you're not expecting it. When you have lots of time to love yourself, focus on you, and attach yourself to peace- you're not exactly going to open your life up to chaos.
What will be, will be. Don't force anything.
You're doing the healthy thing and living your life and loving yourself.
Enjoy decorating your castle! xD
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
I love Brene' Brown's definition of love in her book "The Gifts of
Imperfection". If I had the book with me I would quote it for you,
but the whole book is wonderful. It is deep, heartfelt sharing
from someone who has spent a great deal of her life studying the
effects of shame on people's lives. I highly recommend it!
I believe you can't love anyone more than you love yourself, so
taking time to heal, grow personally & spiritually, and understanding
how to have that deep love and compassion for yourself has to
come before before any great relationship can.
Imperfection". If I had the book with me I would quote it for you,
but the whole book is wonderful. It is deep, heartfelt sharing
from someone who has spent a great deal of her life studying the
effects of shame on people's lives. I highly recommend it!
I believe you can't love anyone more than you love yourself, so
taking time to heal, grow personally & spiritually, and understanding
how to have that deep love and compassion for yourself has to
come before before any great relationship can.
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