Lesson Learned
 

About a week or so ago I read a reply to a thread and really put it to the test this past week.

It was so simple:
"If it feels good, don't do it."

Though I don't like to admit it, I am a stubborn person and can be very argumentative. I also am very impatient. Definitely not any of my best traits.

When my RA fiance would come home from a night of drinking, I'd tell myself not to talk to him... that lasted a whole 5 minutes after he walked in the door.
Against all logic and reason I'd start a line of questioning with a drunk person and throw out my accurate accusations of him lying, breaking promises, and having an addiction. My feelings always got the best of me. It felt better to yell at him and question him and get the apology the next morning when he sobered up. Then I'd be kicking myself because really, I'm the one who escalated an already bad situation- but I wouldn't admit that to even myself. To me, I was ensuring to enforce that his behaviour was not okay and that I wouldn't tolerate it... but I did.

In his past three weeks of his sobriety, I've been struggling with my own feelings. In the beginning I really felt the need to talk to him about things. About his sobriety, our relationship, why he's being distant, his family, eliminating stresses, joining a program like AA... everything and anything on my mind.
When I began these conversations there was constantly a "yeah, but you did this," or "you need to do this," or "I feel like you should," coming from both sides. These conversations so easily turned into anger, resentment, and arguments.

Then it clicked.
Yes, he is sober, but why am I looking for reassuring answers from a guy that would promise me that he wouldn't take off to the bar and ignore my calls for all hours of the night? He reassured me it wouldn't happen time and time again, but it did! I wouldn't feel reassured even if he did tell me that it's never going to happen again.

It indeed feels good to have reassurance. But I'm not going to get it for myself anyway by his words because so many times his words meant nothing. We have to rebuild the trust that I lost in him because of his addiction. Just as he needs to rebuild the trust that he lost when I began to try to control him. He's been rebuilding it for three weeks. My lack of patients gets the better of me sometimes.

Every time something pops in my head, my instinct is to talk to him about it.
I want to hear from him that he's sorry, he's thankful I stayed, and that he loves me and wants to spend his life with me- Sober.

It feels great when all cards are on the table and you hear what you want. But our conversations don't go that way, and we're both a mess. We wouldn't even know what to put on the table right now.

I've been wanting to talk to him about his actions and how they're making me feel a lot lately. Not talking has gotten us to a place of being friends. I come on SR and vent my feelings or frustrations and confusion rather than going to him for answers or waiting for him to validate my feelings.

All weekend he's been much more thoughtful. He's been doing little favors for me, being helpful without me asking, holding my hand when he gets a chance, telling jokes, kissing me on the forehead.
At the same time he seems confused. He is asking if I'm okay, how I'm feeling, asking if I want to discuss anything, and letting me know he's here for anything I need.

I've realized that as much as I'm confused by him, he's confused by me leaving him alone and just enjoying what company I have of him. I probably come off as a nag.
It's probably equivalent to the "where is this going" conversation that even I hated in early dating relationships.

I'm going to stick to "if it feels good, don't do it."

I was doing it for the benefit to stop our arguing, but in a week, it's done so much for me and for him.

Just wanted to share something that's working.

Hope everyone had a lovely weekend!

I hope you're saying "thanks, I appreciate it," when he does nice things. Not as a "reward," but just as good manners. You could say something like, "This has been a great weekend, I've really enjoyed your company." Period. Nothing about how much better this is than when he was isolating, or drinking.

I definitely have been thanking him whenever he has taken the initiative to help me with a task or taken some of the load off me.
As much as I have that urge to do it in a way as though I'm praising him, I'm just acting thankful and appreciative and conveying it with words.

I read an article that suggests you give your A a thank you for working to rebuild trust in early recovery. Something simple, short and sweet. I'm not sure if or how I should say it to him.
Anyone with opinions or suggestions on that?

No suggestions on that Kissed by fire but I loved your post.

I don't quite get the "If it feels good, don't do it." but maybe it is some version of "Listen to your feelings but don't dance to them". I suppose acting on feelings feels good in the short term but makes things worse in the long run.

If it feels good, don't do it for me is a lot like don't dance to your feelings.
For me, I urge to start those conversations because I think it will feel good.

But your quote does actually make much more sense. :-).

I wouldn't say a thing about "rebuilding trust" at this point. It's been what, four weeks now? Frankly, *I* wouldn't trust him at this point. I think to thank him for working to rebuild trust is (a) premature, (b) comes off like a pat on the head for being a good boy.

I know you want to be supportive. Just show appreciation for what he DOES--don't put it in terms of how it relates to his drinking. He's a person, not a lab specimen that you're trying to nurture.

I get the feeling that you're weighing everything you do and say in terms of how it will affect him--positive, negative; help him stay sober, make him drink. That isn't necessary. What you do won't keep him from drinking or make him drink. Just keep doing the "next right thing" as best you can, and you'll be fine.

Me too & that is still codependent thinking no matter how it gets relabeled as "positive" or "supportive". YOUR reactions should reflect YOUR natural feelings about what is going on. If you need to censor yourself to ensure a reaction from him, that's about him not you. If you're just learning new ways to get out of your OWN dysfunction & it's more about wanting to adapt better behaviors & patterns then A-ok. Here's a quick way to judge yourself - are you doing this in all of your relationships or just in response to him? Codependent healing isn't just about our qualifiers; it's unlikely that that same internal dialogue/pattern only exists in one area of your world.

I'd LOVE to see a post from you that is about you & your growth in a way that doesn't hold it in measurement against him/his.

I feel like your efforts toward building trust are better served in building self-trust, self-respect, self-love....which is what your recovery is about.

IMO, you can't work on rebuilding trust between 2 people so early in recovery, it's ridiculous to think that a few weeks of so-so is anything but the first baby steps. Trust is built through repeated actions & that's not even something you CAN foresee or predict - it's a complete time-wasting future-trip.

But not so in rebuilding your trust in yourself. That is something you can work on every single day all on your own. When I had that part of myself rebuilt, working toward the same with others was a whole new ballgame & I couldn't have realized that until I'd taken the time/steps for myself first because I learned & changed so much during that process and that became the foundation for the rest to build onto. You kinda realize it in this statement:

My point is that when I had that Self-Thing figured out, I no longer needed reassurance at all because it wasn't necessary. I trusted that no matter what his words/actions, *I* would be able to depend on *me*.