Does the 2nd guessing ever stop??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 155
Does the 2nd guessing ever stop??
Its been a month since I moved out of XABF house. I've been doing no-contact as advised to codependency much to his anger (as he expressed in several emails to me). Since, **** was hitting the fan 2 months leading up to me moving out with his drinking benders I figured it didn't take a rocket scientist to know why I left him.
With the dust settling I am missing him. I know through mutual friends he is trying an out-patient program after he left rehab early. And the happy memories are creepying in. Every time I go to the gym I miss him. Its like everytime I turn around a book or movie reminds me of a happy time we had together!!!!!
I recently spent the weekend with friends who are a happily married couple with two adorable kids and just cried so hard upon leaving. Why can't i have that!???? Why couldn't that be US? Why are relationships so easy to others and not me???
I instead attracted this closeted alcoholic that I ignored the red flags for a year. But we did have HAPPY TIMES! We went on great trips, he made me laugh, we loved watching the same movies together at night. Its just all the time we was secretly drinking behind my back.
This past year was I really in love with a person who just never existed? Can alcoholics be that good of actors? Am I missing a person who even exists?
If he is in this out-patient program for the past month is that a hope worth clinging to or should I stick to my guns and stop second guessing my decision to run?
With the dust settling I am missing him. I know through mutual friends he is trying an out-patient program after he left rehab early. And the happy memories are creepying in. Every time I go to the gym I miss him. Its like everytime I turn around a book or movie reminds me of a happy time we had together!!!!!
I recently spent the weekend with friends who are a happily married couple with two adorable kids and just cried so hard upon leaving. Why can't i have that!???? Why couldn't that be US? Why are relationships so easy to others and not me???
I instead attracted this closeted alcoholic that I ignored the red flags for a year. But we did have HAPPY TIMES! We went on great trips, he made me laugh, we loved watching the same movies together at night. Its just all the time we was secretly drinking behind my back.
This past year was I really in love with a person who just never existed? Can alcoholics be that good of actors? Am I missing a person who even exists?
If he is in this out-patient program for the past month is that a hope worth clinging to or should I stick to my guns and stop second guessing my decision to run?
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
I have asked many times on this board 'what should I do'? I don't think most people with any experience going thru this and getting thru this will tell you exactly what YOU should do. YOU will have to make that decision for yourself.
I can tell you that I have been with an alcoholic who has been drinking since he was 14. He is 37. He has barely slowed down in all those years. I have left him multiple times and came back to the same problem. It is getting old, and I am leaving him again. This time, for the last time. If I had been single and didn't have a child with him, I can tell you I would have left a loooong time ago and never looked back. I wouldn't wish having a child with someone who is an A on anyone.
If you want to struggle with addiction for the next decade, bring some kids into the mix, and waste a decade of your life (or more) like so many people on these boards have, you should consider taking him back. It sounds like those few good times that your mind is recollecting can carry you through paying bills, sharing household responsibilities, open up communication with a drunk and are no problem in terms of raising babies. (insert sarcasm)
The question I have begun to ask myself of late is 'why did I accept so little for myself AND my child'? "What is wrong with ME that I thought it was OK to let my child live with alcoholism for 6.5 years?" And many, many questions along those lines. I need to get better after this relationship before I will even consider dating another man.
I am sure someone will show up with better advice than me. Someone who is on the other side and not living in a state of limbo as I am at the moment.
Take care and keep your head up.
I can tell you that I have been with an alcoholic who has been drinking since he was 14. He is 37. He has barely slowed down in all those years. I have left him multiple times and came back to the same problem. It is getting old, and I am leaving him again. This time, for the last time. If I had been single and didn't have a child with him, I can tell you I would have left a loooong time ago and never looked back. I wouldn't wish having a child with someone who is an A on anyone.
If you want to struggle with addiction for the next decade, bring some kids into the mix, and waste a decade of your life (or more) like so many people on these boards have, you should consider taking him back. It sounds like those few good times that your mind is recollecting can carry you through paying bills, sharing household responsibilities, open up communication with a drunk and are no problem in terms of raising babies. (insert sarcasm)
The question I have begun to ask myself of late is 'why did I accept so little for myself AND my child'? "What is wrong with ME that I thought it was OK to let my child live with alcoholism for 6.5 years?" And many, many questions along those lines. I need to get better after this relationship before I will even consider dating another man.
I am sure someone will show up with better advice than me. Someone who is on the other side and not living in a state of limbo as I am at the moment.
Take care and keep your head up.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Hi there!
First - hugs to you, I was in your shoes, missing XAH just a couple of days ago.
I could have written exactly the same as letitend above - except my child is now 12 years old and divorce is just now finalized. DS adores his father - and it makes matters difficult. Father now lives 300 miles away which makes matters easier.
Second - yes this is absolutely normal in all types of breakups, alcoholism involved or not. We tend to romanticize the past. With an alcoholic, there is a lot more denial present, and you are missing a person than never was there - this is why it hurts so much.
Good for him that he entered rehab, it is a good sign, not an indication that sobriety will last. As for second guessing - lets imagine an example where people get back together, but it only works with years of sobriety, and extensive work on themselves for both parties.
I ended up paying for 4+ rehabs (insurance covered a large portion of it, but there was 20% out of pocket) - I could have paid off my mortgage with that money. I am not counting all the other expenses, lack of income, credit card debt. Addicts are not good life partners. But I STILL miss him.
In fact - my then STXAH inquired if I ever consider remarrying him again - he was 3 months sober at that point - and that his friends wife divorced and remarried his friend 3 times.
I answered NO.
I made the only right decision at this point, and keep a list of reasons I divorced him handy. Read it to the therapist yesterday. She was impressed.
That list saved me from "calling to check up on him" more times than I can remember, now he calls all the time but that is another story.
First - hugs to you, I was in your shoes, missing XAH just a couple of days ago.
I could have written exactly the same as letitend above - except my child is now 12 years old and divorce is just now finalized. DS adores his father - and it makes matters difficult. Father now lives 300 miles away which makes matters easier.
Second - yes this is absolutely normal in all types of breakups, alcoholism involved or not. We tend to romanticize the past. With an alcoholic, there is a lot more denial present, and you are missing a person than never was there - this is why it hurts so much.
Good for him that he entered rehab, it is a good sign, not an indication that sobriety will last. As for second guessing - lets imagine an example where people get back together, but it only works with years of sobriety, and extensive work on themselves for both parties.
I ended up paying for 4+ rehabs (insurance covered a large portion of it, but there was 20% out of pocket) - I could have paid off my mortgage with that money. I am not counting all the other expenses, lack of income, credit card debt. Addicts are not good life partners. But I STILL miss him.
In fact - my then STXAH inquired if I ever consider remarrying him again - he was 3 months sober at that point - and that his friends wife divorced and remarried his friend 3 times.
I answered NO.
I made the only right decision at this point, and keep a list of reasons I divorced him handy. Read it to the therapist yesterday. She was impressed.
That list saved me from "calling to check up on him" more times than I can remember, now he calls all the time but that is another story.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
SS - I hear exactly what you're saying. As crazy and messed up as most of my marriage was, there WERE good times. I don't think XAH was acting.
I also know that I think I am somewhat rational. Objectively, if I left, it had to be for good reason: not on a whim, not because XAH was drunk once. Even if I do not feel that same pain today as I did the day I left, the pain MUST have been unbearable, since I *did* leave. I have to imagine you left for good reason. Trust your gut.
I also know that I think I am somewhat rational. Objectively, if I left, it had to be for good reason: not on a whim, not because XAH was drunk once. Even if I do not feel that same pain today as I did the day I left, the pain MUST have been unbearable, since I *did* leave. I have to imagine you left for good reason. Trust your gut.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 121
SS, I think second guessing is a battle between your heart and your brain. Sometimes a battle between the part of your brain that holds good memories, and the part of your brain with logic.
You left for a reason. He's in a program for a reason. No matter the second guessing, you can't second guess that you both have things to work on with your own individual selves.
Even if he gets the help he needs, he still has a long road ahead of him, and you have a long road ahead of you.
Dandylion has said in more than one of my posts that the alcoholic should go on a year long sabbiatical to the mountains of Nepal to work through their early recovery....as it would be merciful for all concerned!
Keep working through your recovery from being exposed to the alcoholic. The second guessing will pass then I think.
Sending hugs and strength ♡
You left for a reason. He's in a program for a reason. No matter the second guessing, you can't second guess that you both have things to work on with your own individual selves.
Even if he gets the help he needs, he still has a long road ahead of him, and you have a long road ahead of you.
Dandylion has said in more than one of my posts that the alcoholic should go on a year long sabbiatical to the mountains of Nepal to work through their early recovery....as it would be merciful for all concerned!
Keep working through your recovery from being exposed to the alcoholic. The second guessing will pass then I think.
Sending hugs and strength ♡
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I have been separated 2-1/2 years. On the rare occasions we see each other, it is superficially friendly.
Most of the time, I do okay. I have a great relationship with God, a great job, and I haven't had a drink in 2-1/2 years.
The past couple of days have been brutal!!! My property manager, who acts like an addict too, threatened me with a 3-day notice after I deducted repairs to my place off my rent. I waited two months for them to fix a big hole in the wall, and finally had the work done. The threats like she made under the circumstances, are illegal in my state, and are called a "retaliatory eviction."
This threw me into a funk since yesterday, where I too am romanticizing the past. I know by now just to ride this out without making any rash moves.
Hang in there. This too shall pass!
Most of the time, I do okay. I have a great relationship with God, a great job, and I haven't had a drink in 2-1/2 years.
The past couple of days have been brutal!!! My property manager, who acts like an addict too, threatened me with a 3-day notice after I deducted repairs to my place off my rent. I waited two months for them to fix a big hole in the wall, and finally had the work done. The threats like she made under the circumstances, are illegal in my state, and are called a "retaliatory eviction."
This threw me into a funk since yesterday, where I too am romanticizing the past. I know by now just to ride this out without making any rash moves.
Hang in there. This too shall pass!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 155
Since his drinking was in secret, everyone is fooled into thinking he is this great guy that just accidentally drank a lot! Even my parents think we are going to get back together. It makes me still wonder if I made the right decision leaving. Every day I ask myself if I made the right decision. I can't wait till it stops!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
SulfuricSplash......you grew up in al alcoholic home....and you have invested three years into your own sobriety....you are still young and have NO CHILDREN.....
If you want to scare the stuffing out of yourself..read some of the thousands of stories written by the members who have children with alcoholics, and the investment of several years of their lives.....
20 per cent of the year that you were with him, as a girlfriend, was hellish enough for you to leave for your own welfare. He punched holes in the wall and scared the cats....He left rehab early.....
All breakups, where you have invested a part of yourself are painful...very painful....
I call it short term pain for the long term gain....
The short term pain will pass...but, it takes longer than a month!
How long do you want your pain to last...short term, or, long term? Your choice....
We get to choose what we want and we get to have the consequences (good or bad) that accompany our choices....
Knowing what you now know about alcoholism....do you really think that he won't relapse again!
Do you know how easy it is for your friends and parents to give opinions..when they are NOT SURFFERING THE PAIN. Are any one of them willing to have you transfer your current pain to them? That would be so great!! Then you could just go off and have a Maypole Dance.......Yea....
If you want to scare the stuffing out of yourself..read some of the thousands of stories written by the members who have children with alcoholics, and the investment of several years of their lives.....
20 per cent of the year that you were with him, as a girlfriend, was hellish enough for you to leave for your own welfare. He punched holes in the wall and scared the cats....He left rehab early.....
All breakups, where you have invested a part of yourself are painful...very painful....
I call it short term pain for the long term gain....
The short term pain will pass...but, it takes longer than a month!
How long do you want your pain to last...short term, or, long term? Your choice....
We get to choose what we want and we get to have the consequences (good or bad) that accompany our choices....
Knowing what you now know about alcoholism....do you really think that he won't relapse again!
Do you know how easy it is for your friends and parents to give opinions..when they are NOT SURFFERING THE PAIN. Are any one of them willing to have you transfer your current pain to them? That would be so great!! Then you could just go off and have a Maypole Dance.......Yea....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
As one of those people Dandylion is speaking of, who kept realizing that the drinking was messing up our marriage and our lives, and who stuck with it through thick and thin because of ALL the reasons you mentioned: the happy times, the good memories, all I can say is, do whatever you can to stay strong and push that 2nd guessing to the back of your mind.
Think about this part of the process as being like when you're at camp and you want to go home, but then by the time the summer is over, you don't want to leave. Or when you move to a new place and it doesn't seem like "home" yet.
It takes a while for us to feel at "home" with any new situation. Maybe promise yourself 6 months of just living in the moment and not looking back. A year is even better, but in my experience, most moves and major changes feel more comfortable after at least 3 months but more like 6.
Give yourself that time. I think you are very brave.
Think about this part of the process as being like when you're at camp and you want to go home, but then by the time the summer is over, you don't want to leave. Or when you move to a new place and it doesn't seem like "home" yet.
It takes a while for us to feel at "home" with any new situation. Maybe promise yourself 6 months of just living in the moment and not looking back. A year is even better, but in my experience, most moves and major changes feel more comfortable after at least 3 months but more like 6.
Give yourself that time. I think you are very brave.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm especially vulnerable to denial and rationalization when feeling lonely and vulnerable. Try to focus on why you left him, the hurtful things he said and did and know that nothing will change, even if he puts alcohol down.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Why are relationships so easy to others and not me???
ummm, newsflash there Ms Splash - relationships are NOT easy. they might not all be the 7 gates of Hell, but even the "good" ones are no cake walk. not all the time.
we see couples out in public, or on FB, and they SEEM so happy! well don't we ALL put on our outside face when we leave the house? put our best foot forward? and what does EVERYONE say before taking a photo of people? SMILE! (or cheese....same thing).
try not to compare out. and try not to project yourself as a 100 year old spinster, not just yet.
you made the decision to LEAVE the relationship. which is ok, for whatever reasons you had at the time. honor that, respect your own decision to put YOURSELF first, your sanity, your sobriety.
ummm, newsflash there Ms Splash - relationships are NOT easy. they might not all be the 7 gates of Hell, but even the "good" ones are no cake walk. not all the time.
we see couples out in public, or on FB, and they SEEM so happy! well don't we ALL put on our outside face when we leave the house? put our best foot forward? and what does EVERYONE say before taking a photo of people? SMILE! (or cheese....same thing).
try not to compare out. and try not to project yourself as a 100 year old spinster, not just yet.
you made the decision to LEAVE the relationship. which is ok, for whatever reasons you had at the time. honor that, respect your own decision to put YOURSELF first, your sanity, your sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 105
First, big hugs to you. You are doing so great! You are amazing and you deserve an amazing and carefree life.
It will get better. Much better. I recently went no contact with my ex. Initially I would get these waves of anxiety every few hours..now its every few days..
My main issue is that I miss his family more than I miss him. Its like I am trying to breakup with 6 other people. So I have blocked his family on facebook. I dont want to see their happy pictures and think about how I could have been a part of that amazing group. I have also stopped drinking because alcohol makes me vulnerable. So know your triggers and work on them.
It will get better, I promise!
It will get better. Much better. I recently went no contact with my ex. Initially I would get these waves of anxiety every few hours..now its every few days..
My main issue is that I miss his family more than I miss him. Its like I am trying to breakup with 6 other people. So I have blocked his family on facebook. I dont want to see their happy pictures and think about how I could have been a part of that amazing group. I have also stopped drinking because alcohol makes me vulnerable. So know your triggers and work on them.
It will get better, I promise!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Other peoples input is about their own agenda. They see only what they want to see and have limited knowledge. My mother wants me to stay married to AH. She can get me second guessing myself and drawing me back into FOO. She stated "look at what the two of you are building. I would hate to see all that end". Those comments are more about what they want. What I see being built is a brick wall not a road. My AH is providing the mortar. Be true to yourself and your own truths. Write those reasons down if you need to.
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