At wits end
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
You know, to me this all sounds like way too much "help" too--but then again, my siblings have "normal" college-age and college-grad kids and are doing things like helping them find an apartment and making sure they renew their car registration.
(Old person rant coming) But seriously, when I was 17, right after I got out of high school, I moved out. Nobody helped me find an apartment. Nobody made sure I paid my bills or renewed my auto registration. As an adult, I was expected to hold down a job and handle those things on my own, and I did, renting a room rather than an apartment b/c it was all I could afford and working 2 crappy part-time jobs to make ends meet. Buying a stamp was a major investment, and stamps were 13 cents then!
Had I stumbled or fallen, I would have stumbled or fallen. There was no safety net awaiting me. And I was SEVENTEEN. My nieces/nephews are in their early 20s!
So it's hard when reading this thread for me to tell what is too much, especially factoring in mental illness. My gut says it's way over the top and he needs to stand on his own two feet--or stumble or fall, and feel the consequences of that. But in today's world, where it seems a lot of the sharp edges have been padded? Maybe that's not how it works any more; I just don't know...
It seems you know what you are going to do. As others have said, keep on working your own program so that if your plans go sideways, you're in a better place to handle it. Wishing you strength and clarity.
(Old person rant coming) But seriously, when I was 17, right after I got out of high school, I moved out. Nobody helped me find an apartment. Nobody made sure I paid my bills or renewed my auto registration. As an adult, I was expected to hold down a job and handle those things on my own, and I did, renting a room rather than an apartment b/c it was all I could afford and working 2 crappy part-time jobs to make ends meet. Buying a stamp was a major investment, and stamps were 13 cents then!
Had I stumbled or fallen, I would have stumbled or fallen. There was no safety net awaiting me. And I was SEVENTEEN. My nieces/nephews are in their early 20s!
So it's hard when reading this thread for me to tell what is too much, especially factoring in mental illness. My gut says it's way over the top and he needs to stand on his own two feet--or stumble or fall, and feel the consequences of that. But in today's world, where it seems a lot of the sharp edges have been padded? Maybe that's not how it works any more; I just don't know...
It seems you know what you are going to do. As others have said, keep on working your own program so that if your plans go sideways, you're in a better place to handle it. Wishing you strength and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Hi Jonbald, it sounds like a good plan for him to work 25 hours per week and pay you regularly. Just curious, what will you do if he does not hold up his end of the plan?
It's a tough spot to be in. I have kids the same age. They are independent, thank God, but if they weren't I honestly don't know what I'd do.
Really hope it works out for all of you.
It's a tough spot to be in. I have kids the same age. They are independent, thank God, but if they weren't I honestly don't know what I'd do.
Really hope it works out for all of you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Bowling Green
Posts: 80
If he doesn't do these things I guess he will have to go. I really don't know what else to do to help him. Really, we've done everything we know to do and I don't know of anyone who will help him if he can't help himself. It will be very hard to kick him out, but if he doesn't turn this around it will have to happen at some point.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi jon, from what you say, and the history of your son, you might need some help getting him out of the house. If affordable could you, as a family, see a counsellor to help you agree on a plan? The purpose of the sessions would be for him to leave, but having a third party to help you negotiate might help you and your wife get the message across.
As for money, get him to sign a bank auto payment so the money comes out and into your account without him doing anything. If he refuses to sign, well you know where you stand.
As for money, get him to sign a bank auto payment so the money comes out and into your account without him doing anything. If he refuses to sign, well you know where you stand.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Bowling Green
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
Hi jon, from what you say, and the history of your son, you might need some help getting him out of the house. If affordable could you, as a family, see a counsellor to help you agree on a plan? The purpose of the sessions would be for him to leave, but having a third party to help you negotiate might help you and your wife get the message across.
As for money, get him to sign a bank auto payment so the money comes out and into your account without him doing anything. If he refuses to sign, well you know where you stand.
As for money, get him to sign a bank auto payment so the money comes out and into your account without him doing anything. If he refuses to sign, well you know where you stand.
My hope was/is that he complete his disability application, successfully get it, work a part-time job as much as disability allows and then have him move out. He can live on that much money for sure. If he and the lawyers fail at the disability, then he will have no choice but to secure full-time work. At that time, we would probably pay a deposit and couple months rent on an apartment and leave it at that.
Something has got to change.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Bowling Green
Posts: 80
Update on our situation with our son.
He is hardly getting any work hours with his job at Macys. Best I can tell he isn't pounding the pavement trying to get a different job. He did go on one interview for a job that would be a good match for him, but I am not aware of any major attempt on his part to be out looking for a new job. He leaves in the morning after coffee and smokes. He may stop by during the afternoon for coffee, but then he's gone again until after our bedtime when he then comes home, smokes, and cooks hamburger helper and bakes garlic bread at midnight.
I do not know, for sure, but I believe he is spending most of his time at the game store. On Wednesday he asked me for $5 for more data on his phone and I reminded him he didn't pay his $30 cell and insurance bill to me the previous Friday. He said that was because his paycheck was only 7 hours. He could pay me back on Friday. So, I said you mean $65 on Friday? He wasn't sure he could do that, but I held my ground and he agreed. He then posted on Facebook about how his tank was on empty and the fuel light is on and he spent his last $4 on gas.
I am fed up, so I texted him, there is a $20 bill on the side table. You don't need to pay it back, you don't need to acknowledge this text, you do not need to acknowledge the money, just take it and spend your other money on essentials like cigarettes and energy drinks (sarcasm). The reason I gave him this money is we are in limbo, see below.
We basically don't speak for the most part. There are certainly going to be no sit-down, serious talks or trying to reason with him or help him. That does no good.
I am going to be gone for a week, so we are on hold until I get back. We don't want my wife to have to deal with his drama by herself. When I get back, we are going to give him his exit from our home. We will probably give him a 30-day notice. Although I don't think that is a legal requirement in our state, it seems like a fair amount of time to give someone. Those 30 days won't be much fun, but it will be good to get him out of the house. It will probably be hard keeping him out and giving repeated "no's we won't give you money."
Enough is enough. I guess we probably should have done this years ago.
He is hardly getting any work hours with his job at Macys. Best I can tell he isn't pounding the pavement trying to get a different job. He did go on one interview for a job that would be a good match for him, but I am not aware of any major attempt on his part to be out looking for a new job. He leaves in the morning after coffee and smokes. He may stop by during the afternoon for coffee, but then he's gone again until after our bedtime when he then comes home, smokes, and cooks hamburger helper and bakes garlic bread at midnight.
I do not know, for sure, but I believe he is spending most of his time at the game store. On Wednesday he asked me for $5 for more data on his phone and I reminded him he didn't pay his $30 cell and insurance bill to me the previous Friday. He said that was because his paycheck was only 7 hours. He could pay me back on Friday. So, I said you mean $65 on Friday? He wasn't sure he could do that, but I held my ground and he agreed. He then posted on Facebook about how his tank was on empty and the fuel light is on and he spent his last $4 on gas.
I am fed up, so I texted him, there is a $20 bill on the side table. You don't need to pay it back, you don't need to acknowledge this text, you do not need to acknowledge the money, just take it and spend your other money on essentials like cigarettes and energy drinks (sarcasm). The reason I gave him this money is we are in limbo, see below.
We basically don't speak for the most part. There are certainly going to be no sit-down, serious talks or trying to reason with him or help him. That does no good.
I am going to be gone for a week, so we are on hold until I get back. We don't want my wife to have to deal with his drama by herself. When I get back, we are going to give him his exit from our home. We will probably give him a 30-day notice. Although I don't think that is a legal requirement in our state, it seems like a fair amount of time to give someone. Those 30 days won't be much fun, but it will be good to get him out of the house. It will probably be hard keeping him out and giving repeated "no's we won't give you money."
Enough is enough. I guess we probably should have done this years ago.
Last edited by ScottFromWI; 10-07-2016 at 06:51 AM. Reason: personal info removed
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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jonbald....are you aware, or not, if he is remaining sober during this period of time?
At least, there is very little interface between you all and him...which, I think keeps the flare-ups of conflict to a minimum......better than having him hibernating in the house, all day long....
At least, there is very little interface between you all and him...which, I think keeps the flare-ups of conflict to a minimum......better than having him hibernating in the house, all day long....
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Bowling Green
Posts: 80
He's probably not drinking
Originally Posted by dandylion
jonbald....are you aware, or not, if he is remaining sober during this period of time?
At least, there is very little interface between you all and him...which, I think keeps the flare-ups of conflict to a minimum......better than having him hibernating in the house, all day long....
At least, there is very little interface between you all and him...which, I think keeps the flare-ups of conflict to a minimum......better than having him hibernating in the house, all day long....
He certainly hasn't come home wasted, nor have I smelled any on him. I have not run a breathalyzer because I am keeping my distance.
Even though he is out of the house, I still have the pit in my stomach and will for a while until he's gone and things quieten down. Meanwhile, I hope to continue using the various tools I have to get or stay sane.
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