The difference of being the caretaker and being a partner.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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The difference of being the caretaker and being a partner.
I did a lot of reading today and I'm struggling with something that's been brought to my attention.
Is there a fine line here?
Am I blind in thinking I'm just holding up my end of the bargain in our relationship?
I'm currently on maternity leave. I deal with DD who is 9 months old because I'm on maternity leave. I also do all of the cooking and cleaning. I do our laundry, the dishes, the grocery shopping, and pretty much run the household. When he is home he'll ask if I need a hand with anything when I'm doing a bit of juggling with tasks. If DD is up and I'm making dinner he'll play with her, feed her, offer to take the dog out etc.
He is the breadwinner. His job can also be very unpredictable and demanding. I get maternity income and use it to pay for groceries, my phone bill and the Internet bill. He pays everything else. I also make his lunch for work in the morning. If I need anything like formula, milk, bread, pretty much anything... and ask him to grab it on his way home he does it no problem. If I asked him to do anything within reason, he would. He does minor repairs around the house, is the heavy lifter and picks up after himself.
To me I am being a partner. Just doing my part in my family.
But am I blind and am actually just subconsciously being his caretaker.
Really confused with this one.
Thanks.
Is there a fine line here?
Am I blind in thinking I'm just holding up my end of the bargain in our relationship?
I'm currently on maternity leave. I deal with DD who is 9 months old because I'm on maternity leave. I also do all of the cooking and cleaning. I do our laundry, the dishes, the grocery shopping, and pretty much run the household. When he is home he'll ask if I need a hand with anything when I'm doing a bit of juggling with tasks. If DD is up and I'm making dinner he'll play with her, feed her, offer to take the dog out etc.
He is the breadwinner. His job can also be very unpredictable and demanding. I get maternity income and use it to pay for groceries, my phone bill and the Internet bill. He pays everything else. I also make his lunch for work in the morning. If I need anything like formula, milk, bread, pretty much anything... and ask him to grab it on his way home he does it no problem. If I asked him to do anything within reason, he would. He does minor repairs around the house, is the heavy lifter and picks up after himself.
To me I am being a partner. Just doing my part in my family.
But am I blind and am actually just subconsciously being his caretaker.
Really confused with this one.
Thanks.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Well the way you put it there, it seems to me that you are just being partners. ... though things will change in some aspects when you go back to work I'm sure...
(btw, 9 months maternity leave? Jealous
)
But is this just recently, since he's been sober, or was it this way too, when he was drinking?
(btw, 9 months maternity leave? Jealous
)But is this just recently, since he's been sober, or was it this way too, when he was drinking?
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Haha... I've been on maternity since last July. Maternity leave is a year here, but I got an additional 15 weeks because I was very very ill when I was pregnant.
I've been doing all this as long as I've been on mat leave- but for the last few weeks of my pregnancy he took care of everything including me because I couldn't really... do anything.
I've been doing all this as long as I've been on mat leave- but for the last few weeks of my pregnancy he took care of everything including me because I couldn't really... do anything.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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That's great to have been able to be home with your baby this long! I definitely should have had babies there...
Seems like this would be a pretty fair division of duties to me at this time, with you being at home.
Do you feel like it is?
How does his alcoholism play into it for you? You don't mention that.
Seems like this would be a pretty fair division of duties to me at this time, with you being at home.
Do you feel like it is?
How does his alcoholism play into it for you? You don't mention that.
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Kissed-
I am NOT saying that this is your scenario, I just wanted to share my experience, strength and hope around this topic.
For me though I did struggle with caretaking around tasks, the hardest part of it was that I attempted to mentally and emotional take care of my loved one that was a problem drinker. I did this regardless of if he asked me to or not. I did this because I thought it could make a difference. In reality it was not mine to do.
I tried to make our home and his life "stress-free," so that he did not have a "reason" to drink. I beat myself up when he did drink because I took it as a sign of failure for getting rid of the stress.
I tried to be the pillow to break the fall. If he was struggling at work I would try to help make it better. During times of stress with his family I would try and dissipate the challenges of a well established relationship so he would not feel the impact. I tried to participate in his life to make him happy, and did not realize until later that I did not ask the same of him in return.
He had some old fashioned ideas about gender roles and I tried to conform to his so I did not make him upset.
Again I don't know if this is part of your relationship, but for me this was the harder part to understand and make some changes around.
I am NOT saying that this is your scenario, I just wanted to share my experience, strength and hope around this topic.
For me though I did struggle with caretaking around tasks, the hardest part of it was that I attempted to mentally and emotional take care of my loved one that was a problem drinker. I did this regardless of if he asked me to or not. I did this because I thought it could make a difference. In reality it was not mine to do.
I tried to make our home and his life "stress-free," so that he did not have a "reason" to drink. I beat myself up when he did drink because I took it as a sign of failure for getting rid of the stress.
I tried to be the pillow to break the fall. If he was struggling at work I would try to help make it better. During times of stress with his family I would try and dissipate the challenges of a well established relationship so he would not feel the impact. I tried to participate in his life to make him happy, and did not realize until later that I did not ask the same of him in return.
He had some old fashioned ideas about gender roles and I tried to conform to his so I did not make him upset.
Again I don't know if this is part of your relationship, but for me this was the harder part to understand and make some changes around.
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Originally Posted by Kissedbyfire 
Haha... I've been on maternity since last July. Maternity leave is a year here, but I got an additional 15 weeks because I was very very ill when I was pregnant.
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When my separated AH and I lived together he was helpful with a lot of things too... when he wanted to be, sober or not.
He would use it as an excuse to drink though, like it somehow negated his drinking and bad behaviors because he folded some laundry and chopped the wood. I would have rather just had him be sober and nice than help with chores.
Mine has always had unsteady and low-paying work though, so that was always more of my issue... I don't think I would have minded doing more of the housework/child care if he was working full time... but when I was the one working full time, and carrying us financially, I felt like he should have pulled his weight more by doing more household stuff (and not using it as an excuse to drink)
... and I couldn't ever count on him to stay home with the kids when he was unemployed, because he was always drunk...
He would use it as an excuse to drink though, like it somehow negated his drinking and bad behaviors because he folded some laundry and chopped the wood. I would have rather just had him be sober and nice than help with chores.
Mine has always had unsteady and low-paying work though, so that was always more of my issue... I don't think I would have minded doing more of the housework/child care if he was working full time... but when I was the one working full time, and carrying us financially, I felt like he should have pulled his weight more by doing more household stuff (and not using it as an excuse to drink)
... and I couldn't ever count on him to stay home with the kids when he was unemployed, because he was always drunk...
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
Kissed-
I am NOT saying that this is your scenario, I just wanted to share my experience, strength and hope around this topic.
For me though I did struggle with caretaking around tasks, the hardest part of it was that I attempted to mentally and emotional take care of my loved one that was a problem drinker. I did this regardless of if he asked me to or not. I did this because I thought it could make a difference. In reality it was not mine to do.
I tried to make our home and his life "stress-free," so that he did not have a "reason" to drink. I beat myself up when he did drink because I took it as a sign of failure for getting rid of the stress.
I tried to be the pillow to break the fall. If he was struggling at work I would try to help make it better. During times of stress with his family I would try and dissipate the challenges of a well established relationship so he would not feel the impact. I tried to participate in his life to make him happy, and did not realize until later that I did not ask the same of him in return.
He had some old fashioned ideas about gender roles and I tried to conform to his so I did not make him upset.
Again I don't know if this is part of your relationship, but for me this was the harder part to understand and make some changes around.
I am NOT saying that this is your scenario, I just wanted to share my experience, strength and hope around this topic.
For me though I did struggle with caretaking around tasks, the hardest part of it was that I attempted to mentally and emotional take care of my loved one that was a problem drinker. I did this regardless of if he asked me to or not. I did this because I thought it could make a difference. In reality it was not mine to do.
I tried to make our home and his life "stress-free," so that he did not have a "reason" to drink. I beat myself up when he did drink because I took it as a sign of failure for getting rid of the stress.
I tried to be the pillow to break the fall. If he was struggling at work I would try to help make it better. During times of stress with his family I would try and dissipate the challenges of a well established relationship so he would not feel the impact. I tried to participate in his life to make him happy, and did not realize until later that I did not ask the same of him in return.
He had some old fashioned ideas about gender roles and I tried to conform to his so I did not make him upset.
Again I don't know if this is part of your relationship, but for me this was the harder part to understand and make some changes around.
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Umm, no, it sounds to me as if you're taking on extra duties at home because you have the time to do it, and it was a mutually-agreed-upon division of labor.
I think LifeRecovery makes a pretty good distinction. There's quite a bit difference between your situation, as you've described it, and one in which the other party is demanding and critical and you're rushing around trying to make everything "just so," so he doesn't get upset and drink or yell at you. Whole different dynamic, it seems to me.
I think LifeRecovery makes a pretty good distinction. There's quite a bit difference between your situation, as you've described it, and one in which the other party is demanding and critical and you're rushing around trying to make everything "just so," so he doesn't get upset and drink or yell at you. Whole different dynamic, it seems to me.
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KissedbyFire.....it sounds like a pretty fair division of duties, to me....especially, if he is willing to do anything "extra" that you ask of him.....
However, I read between the lines that you have some question if you are taking on more of the "domestic" that you would like....?? Is that true?
I know, from having my own babies...that one can feel pretty tied down with all the work and routine of dealing with the house and a young baby!!!!
The sheer exhaustion can be a pressure on a couple and can also put a damper on the intimate relationship.....
However, I read between the lines that you have some question if you are taking on more of the "domestic" that you would like....?? Is that true?
I know, from having my own babies...that one can feel pretty tied down with all the work and routine of dealing with the house and a young baby!!!!
The sheer exhaustion can be a pressure on a couple and can also put a damper on the intimate relationship.....
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Umm, no, it sounds to me as if you're taking on extra duties at home because you have the time to do it, and it was a mutually-agreed-upon division of labor.
I think LifeRecovery makes a pretty good distinction. There's quite a bit difference between your situation, as you've described it, and one in which the other party is demanding and critical and you're rushing around trying to make everything "just so," so he doesn't get upset and drink or yell at you. Whole different dynamic, it seems to me.
I think LifeRecovery makes a pretty good distinction. There's quite a bit difference between your situation, as you've described it, and one in which the other party is demanding and critical and you're rushing around trying to make everything "just so," so he doesn't get upset and drink or yell at you. Whole different dynamic, it seems to me.
A task that I did was the bills. I am naturally fairly organized and honestly it is not a chore that is hard for me. Paying the bills is not a sign of a caretaker.
When I had some distance though I realized it was not that straightforward. If our joint account/bill account was short I would cover it from my own so he would not worry about it. Though I asked on many occasions if he would let me show him where I kept all the bill stuff and go over it with him, he never would. Occasionally he would be frustrated about money and he would get angry.....not necessarily at me, but I took it that way. I would take his anger/frustration as a sign of failure on my part, and would not be able to see that maybe this was something off about the system.
Another thing I tried to take care of him about was sleep patterns. I have always been a morning person! He is not. I tried to change my sleeping patterns to accommodate him for a long time. I can hang for a night or two, but I truly stop functioning after a certain time of day.
These are not something he necessarily criticized me for....but I did feel a sense of obligation to change myself for him.
Truly my dysfunction complimented his own....and created a perfect storm.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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A lot of very insightful responses here. I feel like my situation resonates best with LifeRecovery.
His 'bad' drinking never happened at home. He'd go to the bar and sometimes his sister's and very rarely a friends and get totally smashed. I'd think he was working or running out to the hardware store and he'd be gone for several hours. He wouldn't respond to texts or calls. When he'd come home and be an ass, disruptive, had driven home drunk (that made me go off the most), and always be very rude. He'd say hurtful things, blame me, tell me what a terrible partner I am, break up with me, and always try to hit where it hurts. I can't say I didn't at times retaliate the same way out of anger.
When his drinking was going on, I would be that pillow to brace the fall. I'd do everything to protect him from dealing with stress, try to protect him from his family when they'd be creating stress for him (by dealing with it all myself), try to 'fix' his bad days by doing my best to make everything perfect. I'd go as far as trying to keep him really preoccupied, I'd never say no to him drinking at home because I could control it at least.
I did indeed do anything to control him and his drinking. To steer him from it and keep him on course. Which only drove him the opposite direction. I don't feel like I'm doing this now. I think unintentionally I am still some what "walking on eggshells," but I don't want to and am trying to stop. It's more of a - I'm very uncomfortable and new to this. He hasn't quit drinking before and since he has things have been very different. In some ways good and in some ways... uncomfortable and confusing.
I'm okay with playing housewife, but I want a house and I want my financial independence back. That means we both need to work and save. During this time (it will be a few years) I pray he stays sober and I work on my recovery and we can have a home in the future.
If not, I'll work hard to get my daughter and I a nice little house.
His 'bad' drinking never happened at home. He'd go to the bar and sometimes his sister's and very rarely a friends and get totally smashed. I'd think he was working or running out to the hardware store and he'd be gone for several hours. He wouldn't respond to texts or calls. When he'd come home and be an ass, disruptive, had driven home drunk (that made me go off the most), and always be very rude. He'd say hurtful things, blame me, tell me what a terrible partner I am, break up with me, and always try to hit where it hurts. I can't say I didn't at times retaliate the same way out of anger.
When his drinking was going on, I would be that pillow to brace the fall. I'd do everything to protect him from dealing with stress, try to protect him from his family when they'd be creating stress for him (by dealing with it all myself), try to 'fix' his bad days by doing my best to make everything perfect. I'd go as far as trying to keep him really preoccupied, I'd never say no to him drinking at home because I could control it at least.
I did indeed do anything to control him and his drinking. To steer him from it and keep him on course. Which only drove him the opposite direction. I don't feel like I'm doing this now. I think unintentionally I am still some what "walking on eggshells," but I don't want to and am trying to stop. It's more of a - I'm very uncomfortable and new to this. He hasn't quit drinking before and since he has things have been very different. In some ways good and in some ways... uncomfortable and confusing.
I'm okay with playing housewife, but I want a house and I want my financial independence back. That means we both need to work and save. During this time (it will be a few years) I pray he stays sober and I work on my recovery and we can have a home in the future.
If not, I'll work hard to get my daughter and I a nice little house.
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don't know if this helps because the circumstances are different for the players, but....
both hank and i work full time.....i have an "office" job, salaried, while he works in masonry construction, very physically demanding, and also inconsistent.
he is currently entering week 3 of layoff. when we are both working i do absorb the majority of the household tasks, in concession that he spent the day outside in the elements - be that rain, wind or 90 degrees with no shade, running around carrying very heavy things, scrambling up and down scaffolding, etc, and while my BRAIN gets a good work, my body does not!
BUT when he is on layoff, he takes over the majority of the KITCHEN related stuff.....dishes, grocery shopping (with resistance) and cooking. and I LOVE IT. i still get all the other stuff!!! if we could afford him to be on layoff forever, or if unemployment lasted forever, i'd be happy if he never worked again.
now this was not always the case with hank. he used to see layoff as a combination of recess, summer vacation and spring break. many years and 35 (350??) screaming matches later.........and he gets it. lol
both hank and i work full time.....i have an "office" job, salaried, while he works in masonry construction, very physically demanding, and also inconsistent.
he is currently entering week 3 of layoff. when we are both working i do absorb the majority of the household tasks, in concession that he spent the day outside in the elements - be that rain, wind or 90 degrees with no shade, running around carrying very heavy things, scrambling up and down scaffolding, etc, and while my BRAIN gets a good work, my body does not!
BUT when he is on layoff, he takes over the majority of the KITCHEN related stuff.....dishes, grocery shopping (with resistance) and cooking. and I LOVE IT. i still get all the other stuff!!! if we could afford him to be on layoff forever, or if unemployment lasted forever, i'd be happy if he never worked again.
now this was not always the case with hank. he used to see layoff as a combination of recess, summer vacation and spring break. many years and 35 (350??) screaming matches later.........and he gets it. lol
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