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Old 09-09-2016, 10:07 AM   #1 (permalink)
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I've asked him-


to go to AA
to find a full time job
to help with bills
to not use my credit card without my permission
to keep his word
to call his child more
to call his mother more
to go to the gym with me
to at least take me on a cheap date (he won't even do that)
to leave me alone when drunk
to understand enabling is real
to stop acting like he's already hit bottom & is on his way up
to help US

He can't do it, and I can't enable anymore. It's literally driving me mad.

It's sad, because he's actually a nice man. He's lazy as **** though and I'm not able to picture me dealing with this 5 years from now.
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Old 09-09-2016, 10:10 AM   #2 (permalink)
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My second husband was a nice man, too. But his drinking was destroying both of our lives. He couldn't/wouldn't do what it took.

Unfortunately, I had to leave him. Fortunately, my life became several hundred percent better the minute I did.
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Old 09-09-2016, 12:13 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Sounds all too familiar to me. You just want him to be healthier and more responsible. Doesn't sound like too much to ask, but to him it is. I've begged my exAB to quit smoking, go to the gym, cut back on drinking, and get a job that isn't Uber driving (which destroys his car and forces him to work long, weird hours for not that much money). He always would say he was "gearing up for it" and he's said that for 5 years. Never happened. I guess he quit drinking whiskey and switched to PBRs. In his mind that was a change he made for me and I should be grateful.
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Old 09-09-2016, 12:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
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i understand that desire that they DO something positive or meaningful and the corresponding disappointment when they do not.

but take a look at your list again....de-personalize it a bit, see it just as a TO DO list handed to anybody.....maybe with different action items, maybe even handed to YOU.

lose weight
make regular appointments at the hair salon to keep that grey hidden
run a mile each morning before work
take an art class
learn a musical instrument
cook classical french cuisine ONE night a week/month
see a therapist
send out birthday cards to all nieces and nephews, aunts, uncles and in laws
spend more time with me
leave me alone

not only does it seem a bit daunting, but also just a little presumptive.....isn't it? i mean MAYBE you are not artistic and you are not INTERESTED in an art class. MAYBE you don't FEEL like being in charge of birthday cards for left half of the western hemisphere. maybe you just DON'T WANNA. and why should you do what someone else tells you to, or asks you to, simply because they said or asked?

trying to change people in ways that WE want them to change is a lot like trying to teach a pig to sing......doesn't ever work and then you AND the pig end up p!ssed off.
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Old 09-09-2016, 01:12 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BeachPlease View Post
to go to AA
to find a full time job
to help with bills
to not use my credit card without my permission
to keep his word
to call his child more
to call his mother more
to go to the gym with me
to at least take me on a cheap date (he won't even do that)
to leave me alone when drunk
to understand enabling is real
to stop acting like he's already hit bottom & is on his way up
to help US

I know what you mean. I really do to a degree. But my RA fiance is high-functioning. He's the breadwinner, has worked his way through two promotions while his drinking was still going on, kept up with bills. But I had some of the same questions and demands you did. His promises to me were empty when he drank, I tried to demand he stop talking to his toxic mom (instead I just have), spend more time with our daughter (Id just spend more time with our daughter when he'd drink), cheap date (I went with an old friend for a nice dinner and PaintNite). Etc.

Ask yourself why you really want these things?
Better... which if these is in your control?

If he isn't doing any of these things, and you want the list fulfilled and won't be happy until it is- maybe it's time for you to take control.
Go to AA - you go to Al Anon
Find a full-time job - tell him you can't support the two of you and do what it takes to show you mean it.
Help with bills - cut down on bills (cut the cable and get netflix, or cut the things he uses that you're paying for)
Stop using your credit card - cancel his card or hide yours or change the PIN
To keep his word - stop accepting his promises
Call his child more - you can't make him
Call his mother more - if you care about your relationship with her then call her, you can't be the glue that holds his relationships together.
Go to the gym with you - you don't need him and if you want company ask someone else
Cheap date - take yourself out. Self care is very important. You can attend a local PaintNite or visit a friend. Do something for YOU.
Leave you Alone - stay away
Enabling is real - don't be the enabler
To stop acting like he's hit rock bottom - if you know it then let him
To help us - help yourself.

I'm sorry. Those are basic suggestions, I'm not telling you what to do necessarily. Just trying to paint the picture that you have the control to change things. Just not change him.
I probably should have read back in your posts to maybe understand your situation a little better but ultimately the point I'm trying to make to you is that you do have solutions and looking at him for the solution isn't working. If you've asked for these things and he isn't complying then look at yourself and do what's best for you. You have the answers. Is him calling his mom really a solution to any of your problems?
Remember that you need self-care. Being wined and dined is wonderful... but when we're single we do that ourselves. If the gym is a priority to you, keep it your priority. Sometimes that alone time is blissful. I personally don't go to the gym but when I used to with a friend - it kept me going but I felt she always interrupted my routine and made it more of a social occasion.

Look at yourself and pull from your own strength or power. If they always did as we asked... none of us would be here.
Be strong and love yourself.
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Old 09-09-2016, 01:18 PM   #6 (permalink)
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ask me to not do something wben i was drinking and i wanted to do it more.
ask me to do something when i was drinking and i wanted to do it less.
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Old 09-09-2016, 03:49 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I LOVE Kbf's list. It's right on the money.

You can't MAKE him do anything. Focus on your own side of the street.
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Old 09-09-2016, 08:25 PM   #8 (permalink)
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The list was an example of me running my own self ragged trying to "fix" things. It did nothing but wear me out. It wasn't meant to come off like I'm still waiting for him to live life with me. I know that's not gonna happen.

I'm already doing most things alone, so I might as well be alone and save some sanity and money while doing it.

It took me a while to leave him alone and not ask him to do things, because our situation wasn't always like this. I guess it just took me a while to catch up and accept how things really are.
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Old 09-09-2016, 08:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
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You say he's actually nice - but he uses your cc without permission, refuses to take you on a cheap date, and won't leave you alone when he's drunk? Doesn't sound nice to me....keep listening to your instincts
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Old 09-09-2016, 09:00 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by kittycat3 View Post
You say he's actually nice - but he uses your cc without permission, refuses to take you on a cheap date, and won't leave you alone when he's drunk? Doesn't sound nice to me....keep listening to your instincts
That's exactly why I keep coming to SR, because I still don't connect everything like that. I'll tell anyone who asks, yep he's a nice guy, but I won't tell them the rest.

Crazy thing is I've been pushing the bad stuff to the back of my mind for so long, because if I didn't, I'd be kicking myself every day for staying, for marrying him, for doing all the extra crap trying to fix it.
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Old 09-09-2016, 09:30 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by BeachPlease View Post
Crazy thing is I've been pushing the bad stuff to the back of my mind for so long, because if I didn't, I'd be kicking myself every day for staying, for marrying him, for doing all the extra crap trying to fix it.
Hey Beachplease, so are you getting closer to looking at the full picture and deciding how much longer and how much more you can take?

Big hug as this is indeed tough stuff!
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Old 09-09-2016, 11:15 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
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Crazy thing is I've been pushing the bad stuff to the back of my mind for so long, because if I didn't, I'd be kicking myself every day for staying, for marrying him, for doing all the extra crap trying to fix it.
It's not crazy Beach. It's what we all do. Trying to see the best in your A or anyone for that matter is a wonderful quality. Not necessarily one you should give up on in the future.
Don't kick yourself.
For better or worse means something to a lot of us. We just didn't know what was in the cards.
So sorry you're going through this.
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Old 09-10-2016, 06:03 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Can't change another person. Can only change ourselves.


Quote:
Originally Posted by BeachPlease View Post
to go to AA
to find a full time job
to help with bills
to not use my credit card without my permission
to keep his word
to call his child more
to call his mother more
to go to the gym with me
to at least take me on a cheap date (he won't even do that)
to leave me alone when drunk
to understand enabling is real
to stop acting like he's already hit bottom & is on his way up
to help US

He can't do it, and I can't enable anymore. It's literally driving me mad.

It's sad, because he's actually a nice man. He's lazy as **** though and I'm not able to picture me dealing with this 5 years from now.
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Old 09-10-2016, 06:22 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
ask me to not do something wben i was drinking and i wanted to do it more.
ask me to do something when i was drinking and i wanted to do it less.
Can you please elaborate?
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Old 09-10-2016, 07:03 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Can you please elaborate?
I think he means that a drunk adult often acts like a sober 8 year old. I was the same way.
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Old 09-10-2016, 07:05 AM   #16 (permalink)
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ask me to not do something wben i was drinking and i wanted to do it more.
ask me to do something when i was drinking and i wanted to do it less.
^^This, the exact words my RAH would say. They cannot be FORCED to do anything just like you would not want to be forced or suggested to do something.

My RAH is doing well now because he wanted the help, he wanted to stop and he knew the alcohol was killing him. It took him all of our married life (almost 18 years) but he took that first step and it made all the difference in the world to his recovery.

I can only echo what others have suggested - take care of yourself. Dealing with this daily is exhausting and overwhelming. Just a small moment of time for yourself could make all the difference. It could be a small walk, quite time sitting alone, an Al-Anon meeting

((hugs)) to you my friend.
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Old 09-10-2016, 07:08 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Omgoodness Tomsteve. Did that post of yours just jog a memory!
My exabf had once told me the same. " everytime you tell me I do something you don't like, I want to do it more ". That coming from a 51 year old! Seriously???? I thought to myself... Hmmmmm????? What am I dealing with a 7 year old??
Ridiculous!
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Old 09-10-2016, 09:15 AM   #18 (permalink)
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What KissedbyFire said!!!! You can't control any of that and make him do any of those things, but you can TAKE control of them and do something about them as KbF pointed out. Why won't you? Why instead are you waiting for some miracle to happen and he all of a sudden turns into this "normal" person you're wanting him to be and driving yourself nuts because he won't? He obviously doesn't have a problem with himself, but YOU do. So DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
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Old 09-10-2016, 09:26 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Just saw that you're looking for an apartment- GOOD ON YOU!!! Congrats for taking charge of YOUR life and happiness!!
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Old 09-10-2016, 12:13 PM   #20 (permalink)
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They will do the opposite of what you want. Yes, like a child.

We can't change them, only ourselves.

Try and push an A to do or not do something is a frustrating waste of time.
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