Kissedbyfire

I feel like I'm finally being given what I need. Honesty from those who have walked in a similar path. Stories from those who are and have recovered. Hope. Peace of mind. Support.

This morning I woke up to my AH cleaning up a mess/accident that our (my) dog made on the living room carpet. He never does that... EVER! He boiled the kettle for me so I could have a coffee in my hands immediately. Was just nice to be thought of and really increased my mood.

I took my daughter to her 9 month check up with our doctor. While in the waiting room, I heard the chatter of a middle aged couple discussing their friend's 'loser' alcoholic son. I listened to them bash him, his parents, and especially his wife until I was called in. You wouldn't believe the drastic change in my mood and the thoughts in my head. I choked back tears just listening to them. My good mood was gone that quickly. My AH's kind gestures were already forgotten.
How dare they! How can they just point their fingers and laugh at people falling apart? How can they put blame on the wife and call her an idiot for 'letting him' drink? I'm that wife! Does everyone say and think that about me? Am I just an idiot to everyone around me and a joke? It was like fire in my head, heart, and veins. That quickly, I was filled with utter hatred. Do my parents and sisters and friends all think I'm just an idiot?
After the doctor examined my daughter and gave the thumbs up and offered suggestions, I quickly told him about my AH. I asked if he should maybe schedule an appointment and the doctor suggested AA and then went on to discuss Al-anon for me. My AH was no longer his concern. He told me to keep trying Al-anon even if I have or even if I do and keep going even if I don't think it's for me at first.
It's the only place that has what I need, and it'll work when I'm ready to let it.

I headed home and started getting messages from my AH's sister. I was helping her to further herself. She somewhat had a plan to get away from her mom and start her life, and I've spent the last few months helping her get closer by ordering her ID, helped her apply for assistance and encouraging her to carry put her plan. She's back tracking and basically in a round about way telling me she needs to get away from her mom... but basically she's not really going to without her mom's blessing (which she won't get). I got angrier. Why the heck am I helping this kid (23 year old) when she won't help herself?

I came on SR. I read some posts and stories. I didnt expect that alone to pull me out of that angry place- where I seem to live.

One in particular stood out to me. Inspired me. Brought tears to my eyes and made me feel desperate envy. I want to be on the other side of this. I'm losing right now... because I think everyone else is winning. Why is there even a competition in my head? How do I have this thought process? Why does what everyone else thinks, suddenly matter so much to me?

When did I start caring what others thought about me? When did I imprison myself by other people's toxicity and thoughts? I'm now imprisoned by their actions, thoughts and their chaos and making it my own.

The post I read was regarding someone else's journey. Their story of their recovery. Their story made me think of who I used to be. I was free. I enjoyed my life. I enjoyed my alone time. I liked my relationships with people, and when I didn't, I had no issue walking away from it without resentment or hatred in my heart.
I'm currently living with a sick heart full of hatred.
This helped me respond to my AH's sister in the best way I could. I responded to her saying she needs to make a plan and see it through. I can't tell her what to do. I've helped pave her a path, now she needs to make it to the road. I added that I have no ill will toward her or her mother and wish them the best. Choose your own road to your happiness. If you choose it based on someone else's happiness or opinions, it's not your road and you won't be happy. She has yet to respond, and I'm sure she won't. Her life and her choice is not my concern.
I'm ready to let go. I'm ready to heal. I don't want to hate. I don't want to judge. I want to love myself again and not so someone else will love me. I want to be accepting of everyone else's journey. I want my only concern to be my life, and have my daughter's best interest at heart. Nothing else should matter.
I love my AH, and I would love to grow old with him. But not at the cost of my own life.

This is my new beginning. I found it here.
I'm ready for Al-anon.

Thank you SR friends.
Thank you for sharing your stories, your journey's, thoughts, support, and wisdom.

letitend

As I am not on the other side of this quite yet, I can't offer any words of wisdom. However, your brain is starting to think about YOU. That is the first step.

LexieCat

Sounds like a few pretty important realizations.

I've heard it said many times here--work your OWN recovery the way you wish other people would work theirs.

Don't give up on your sister-in-law. She may come around in her own good time, just like you have. One of the best things you can do is really LIVE your recovery--you'd be amazed how much you can inspire others. It might even be years before your SIL is ready to do what she needs to do, but that's OK. You've planted a seed, you can be a model of recovery for her. God knows she isn't going to see healthy behavior modeled at home.

FindingAmy

Kissedbyfire, your post gave me chills. You really expressed yourself so eloquently. You really sound like you are on the right path and are ready. I know for me that when I hit rock bottom, i was so ready to heal. I was so tired of the life that I had created. i was tired of thinking that if everyone would just do what i say, they will all be so much happier. i was so tired of worrying what others thought. i was tired of worrying. i was tired of carrying the load. i was tired of being the victim of my own life, i was so tired of being sad. I was just exhausted and tired. it had to change.

you are ahead of where i was though, as i was so unhappy and miserable in my marriage, but it wasn't until my AH left me that I hit my bottom. And it was the best thing he ever did for me.

I would post on here all the time and people were so supportive and strong and told me i'd get to the other side. I never thought it would happen. ever. but it did. it's changing your way of thinking and your perception. it sounds like you already have started that. on your own. that's so amazing.

i personally cannot say enough good things about alanon. all i can urge you to do is go to meetings, just keep going. and if you don't like the one you go to, find another. just keep going.

you are stronger than you realize, i can tell from your words. you have the wisdom and the willingness to change your life for the better. keep following your path. don't get caught up in what other's think. it's none of your business. and whatever they think is just their story through their perceptions and their own programming and past hurts, it has nothing to do with you. everyone has their own story. even those women in the waiting room. have compassion for them as they were just covering some insecurity or hurts of their own. but whatever you do, don't take it personally. it had nothing to do with you. it didn't even have anything to do with the person they were talking about.

If your AH was doing something kind for you, just see the beauty in that. don't try and figure out why, what he was thinking, what he wants, etc. Just be grateful for the fact that he was trying to do something nice. which it sounds like you were very grateful and did see the kindness in his gesture. Gratitude goes a long way. It's helped me greatly in my recovery. Resentment and gratitude can't coexist. Stay in gratitude. And if your AH can make his way into AA, on his own, that's great. Expecting him to go or forcing him or any of those things, will never play out well.

If you go to alanon and he sees the changes in you, that might just be the push he needs to go to AA for himself. Who knows.

All i know is that happiness is a choice. It really is. And I choose happiness.

Also know that at any time of day, any moment, you can always start your day over. So when you left that doctor's office in a mood lower than when you went in, you can choose to start your day over in that moment. shake off what happened in the waiting room, look at your beautiful daughter and be grateful.

you will be on the other side of this. you will. you are doing amazing already. and remember, nobody is winning or losing. it's not a race or a competition. everyone is on their own journey. focus on you!

Kissedbyfire

Thank you everyone for the support. I know I'll have my slips here and there. That's where SR and soon Al anon will come in handy.
Finding Amy, it was your post on SR that turned my day around. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It has given me hope.
Looking forward to join you and so many others on the other side. ♡

BeachPlease

I can totally relate to this statement. We only have one life, and we have to make the best of it. Suffering through with a toxic relationship is no way to live, no matter how much we love them.