Silent treatment
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Silent treatment
My AH has only had 11 beers in 4 days and none last night. This is far less than he usually consumes. My mother came over on Friday and maybe stated something that he heard. He had no alcohol yesterday but there was another incident that happened.
I prepared dinner and was trying to get the family to the table after dinner was called. My DS10 was already at the table and so was I. I had to call my DD9 to the table a number of times to get her to come. I left the table to seek her in the very next room. My DS asked to pass the corn twice and for that my AH hit him. Which my DS started crying and supper was ruined. AH stated he should only ask once to pass the corn. I stated that discussion would be more appropriate then hitting. him. He was doing what he was asked to do. He was trying to have dinner.
Now he's giving me the silent treatment for me setting boundries. It makes me think am I wrong? How can I provide a safe environment?
I prepared dinner and was trying to get the family to the table after dinner was called. My DS10 was already at the table and so was I. I had to call my DD9 to the table a number of times to get her to come. I left the table to seek her in the very next room. My DS asked to pass the corn twice and for that my AH hit him. Which my DS started crying and supper was ruined. AH stated he should only ask once to pass the corn. I stated that discussion would be more appropriate then hitting. him. He was doing what he was asked to do. He was trying to have dinner.
Now he's giving me the silent treatment for me setting boundries. It makes me think am I wrong? How can I provide a safe environment?
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
YIKES. I do not want to say what is right/wrong in your household. However, if my child's father hit him for asking to pass the corn, I would call it quits, forever. He would be out on the street. That kind of treatment towards a 10 year old is unwarranted and damaging.
To provide a safe environment, you need to do just that. Having a volatile man around who hits children is scary.
To provide a safe environment, you need to do just that. Having a volatile man around who hits children is scary.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 53
You honestly need to try and get out of that situation. If you can't make him leave see if you and your kids can. Hitting your son because he asked for corn twice was beyond unnecessary and sounds abusive. Think about your kids.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Pointing out to him that he shouldn't be hitting your son isn't a boundary. A BOUNDARY would be leaving so your children are not subjected to his abuse.
There is NO WAY to provide a "safe environment" as long as you stay with someone who thinks it's OK to hit kids for asking twice to pass the corn. I'd be stepping up those plans to move--and doing so safely, deliberately, and secretly.
How soon can you make an appointment to consult with a lawyer?
There is NO WAY to provide a "safe environment" as long as you stay with someone who thinks it's OK to hit kids for asking twice to pass the corn. I'd be stepping up those plans to move--and doing so safely, deliberately, and secretly.
How soon can you make an appointment to consult with a lawyer?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
hearthealth....you didn't do anything wrong....but your husband did.
Just imagine if you asked for the corn to be passed twice...and he hit you....
Or....if your mother asked to pass the corn twice....and he hit her....
What would you do...?
Protecting the children from abuse (that was abuse) it the parent's first responsibility.....
Just imagine if you asked for the corn to be passed twice...and he hit you....
Or....if your mother asked to pass the corn twice....and he hit her....
What would you do...?
Protecting the children from abuse (that was abuse) it the parent's first responsibility.....
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 121
When it comes to parenting- no one can really tell you what's right and wrong.
My father was/is a big drinker. Sober or drunk he was certainly an authoritarian and my sisters and I got hit for (what I think are silly) reasons like these. From laughing at the dinner table to answering a question- that he considered talking back.
To me- hitting a child or even extreme, unnecessary shouting comes from your own lack of patience. Your right in my opinion, that wasn't a punishable offense. It was discussion worthy. As is your joint parenting and deciding together what is punishable, and methods of punishment. Not drinking may be causing him to have a lack of patience.
The bottom line is, if you can't discuss it with him, then you need to protect your son.
To this day, the abuse I endured growing up effects my life.
My grandfather hit my dad and his siblings for even sillier reasons. He carried it on with us, but it stops at me. I didnt respect him, I feared him. Actions can be passed down for generations. They're like traditions.
Make it about protecting your son, and his future family.
My father was/is a big drinker. Sober or drunk he was certainly an authoritarian and my sisters and I got hit for (what I think are silly) reasons like these. From laughing at the dinner table to answering a question- that he considered talking back.
To me- hitting a child or even extreme, unnecessary shouting comes from your own lack of patience. Your right in my opinion, that wasn't a punishable offense. It was discussion worthy. As is your joint parenting and deciding together what is punishable, and methods of punishment. Not drinking may be causing him to have a lack of patience.
The bottom line is, if you can't discuss it with him, then you need to protect your son.
To this day, the abuse I endured growing up effects my life.
My grandfather hit my dad and his siblings for even sillier reasons. He carried it on with us, but it stops at me. I didnt respect him, I feared him. Actions can be passed down for generations. They're like traditions.
Make it about protecting your son, and his future family.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I used to want to blame alcohol for my ex's unacceptable and abusive behavior. I clung to the fantasy that if he quit drinking, all the horrible things going on in our home would stop.
I was in a similar situation as you, and trying to set any kind of boundaries only made things worse. The only boundary that ever really worked was, "I won't live in a home with active alcoholism, untreated mental illness or any type of abuse." Anything else just provoked more abuse because he felt entitled to behave the way that he did. It had nothing to do with his drinking. The alcoholism was a separate issue from the violence in our home, as much as I had them tied together in my mind.
I had to leave in order to provide a safe environment. I know that isn't what you want to hear. It wasn't what I wanted to hear either. I wanted a magic solution that revolved around my ex getting sober and didn't force me to uproot my entire life. Unfortunately that magic solution didn't exist. Sending strength your way.
I was in a similar situation as you, and trying to set any kind of boundaries only made things worse. The only boundary that ever really worked was, "I won't live in a home with active alcoholism, untreated mental illness or any type of abuse." Anything else just provoked more abuse because he felt entitled to behave the way that he did. It had nothing to do with his drinking. The alcoholism was a separate issue from the violence in our home, as much as I had them tied together in my mind.
I had to leave in order to provide a safe environment. I know that isn't what you want to hear. It wasn't what I wanted to hear either. I wanted a magic solution that revolved around my ex getting sober and didn't force me to uproot my entire life. Unfortunately that magic solution didn't exist. Sending strength your way.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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The most alarming thing is that your post title is about your husband's not talking to you, NOT that he hit your child. Is it so common that it doesn't register anymore?
Please. Get your kids to a safer place. If he hits him for such a little thing, what does he do for the bigger things?
Please. Get your kids to a safer place. If he hits him for such a little thing, what does he do for the bigger things?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
hearthealth.....it sounds like your husband is giving you the silent treatment to "punish" you....for attempting to intervene on your son's behalf.....
That sound very parent-child type of dynamic....him-the parent you--the child.
Your reaction sounds more like the child...you being "punished" and wondering "am I wrong?".....
I'll bet that you have never looked at it, before, like this.....
but, I'm also betting that you don't like to think of existing like that.....
You are an adult and need to be treated and respected as such....
That sound very parent-child type of dynamic....him-the parent you--the child.
Your reaction sounds more like the child...you being "punished" and wondering "am I wrong?".....
I'll bet that you have never looked at it, before, like this.....
but, I'm also betting that you don't like to think of existing like that.....
You are an adult and need to be treated and respected as such....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Thank you for responding Ariesagain. Please don't think that I'm not livid about my son getting hit over asking twice over corn. I am now preparing/prepared to divorce. I appreciate SR in keeping me on the right track.
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Originally Posted by hearthealth 
Thank you for responding Ariesagain. Please don't think that I'm not livid about my son getting hit over asking twice over corn. I am now preparing/prepared to divorce. I appreciate SR in keeping me on the right track.
Sending you strength in this tough situation.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
hearthealth - This breaks my heart to an in-explainable extent. My heart breaks for you, because I can relate, and man does it hurt. But my heart breaks into a million pieces for your children. Your son does not deserve what he got. No one deserves to be hit for asking more than once for corn to be passed. Think about that for a moment. It is completely irrational - you know this. Someone punishing you for defending a helpless child is also irrational - you know this. Please give yourself credit and find confidence in your ability to rationalize such things. We all understand it is very hard to believe our rational thoughts when such irrational and unbelievable things are going on around us.
I pray you find strength to remove yourself, and more importantly your children, from this situation. I am not deeming your future with him completely hopeless, but what you desperately need is space from this chaos. And so do your children.
It is not easy, as other have stated above. But nothing good comes easy. Space will help you think clearly without the distractions he is intentionally placing in front of you. If nothing else, do this for your children. They come first, no questions asked. My son become first and foremost from the moment I knew he was conceived. From that moment, it is no longer about us, but them. Please fight for them.
I pray you find strength to remove yourself, and more importantly your children, from this situation. I am not deeming your future with him completely hopeless, but what you desperately need is space from this chaos. And so do your children.
It is not easy, as other have stated above. But nothing good comes easy. Space will help you think clearly without the distractions he is intentionally placing in front of you. If nothing else, do this for your children. They come first, no questions asked. My son become first and foremost from the moment I knew he was conceived. From that moment, it is no longer about us, but them. Please fight for them.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 22
Please write down all of these and similar incidents in a neutral way with the date and possible witnesses. I don't know about the specific laws in your country, but that would typically make divorce easier, faster, and maybe allows you to stay in your house/appartment while he has to leave.
I hope you are not seriously asking yourself whether protecting your own child from physical violence was wrong. What would you do if a stranger hit him in the street? Or if a stranger hit YOU?
I hope you are not seriously asking yourself whether protecting your own child from physical violence was wrong. What would you do if a stranger hit him in the street? Or if a stranger hit YOU?
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by dandylion
hearthealth....you didn't do anything wrong....but your husband did.
Just imagine if you asked for the corn to be passed twice...and he hit you....
Or....if your mother asked to pass the corn twice....and he hit her....
What would you do...?
Protecting the children from abuse (that was abuse) it the parent's first responsibility.....
Just imagine if you asked for the corn to be passed twice...and he hit you....
Or....if your mother asked to pass the corn twice....and he hit her....
What would you do...?
Protecting the children from abuse (that was abuse) it the parent's first responsibility.....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
When I did things that I felt ashamed of then I did the silent thing as well. Alcoholics find apologising and facing up to consequences of actions very very hard to do. I'm not saying it's logical or okay, just that it would be a fairly typical reaction. Just because the alcoholic drinking stops, it doesn't mean the alcoholic thinking does. And actually he's drinking just enough to keep his AV loud and strong, which is likely to give him a very short fuse. Almost worse than completely abstaining would be to be honest. Likelihood is that he'll have a short period of reigned in drinking, just enough to convince him he can drink in moderation, then there will be a messy period. Lots of folk I've met in AA went through the same pattern before realising that complete sobriety was the only way to go. And lots of others go back out and never DO have that realisation.
Sad for everyone involved.
Hope things do end up taking a turn for the better. Moderation isn't going to be any kind of answer though.
Sad for everyone involved.
Hope things do end up taking a turn for the better. Moderation isn't going to be any kind of answer though.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Not good, unsafe environment for the children. The only way to create a safe environment is to ask him to leave. He has to be absolutely sober to be around children.
I know it is not easy - but having volatile alcoholic around your children is not the answer.
I know it is not easy - but having volatile alcoholic around your children is not the answer.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
hearthealth, I was physically abused, and I wrote this a while back...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post6067516
Anyway, when you get a moment, please talk to your son about what his dad did. Please acknowledge what your AH did was wrong. Because half of what drove me crazy was people pretending that nothing WAS wrong. My aunt saw some of my nanny's physical abuse and she did absolutely nothing while my nanny hit me for not eating all of my sandwich. This woman, btw, is the mother of my cousin, the one who sexually abused my sister when she was eleven. She let her son also beat up her younger daughter and son and sent them straight into foster care. I cannot tell you the pure seething anger that comes out of my pores whenever I hear her name. Her passive, stone cold demeanor as my nanny stretched out her arm and smacked me - I'll never forget it. Maybe she had too many of her own demons to bear, but in the eyes of a child her passivity and her refusal to acknowledge what had just happened just reeked of acceptance - as if I had deserved it.
You're not that woman.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post6067516
Anyway, when you get a moment, please talk to your son about what his dad did. Please acknowledge what your AH did was wrong. Because half of what drove me crazy was people pretending that nothing WAS wrong. My aunt saw some of my nanny's physical abuse and she did absolutely nothing while my nanny hit me for not eating all of my sandwich. This woman, btw, is the mother of my cousin, the one who sexually abused my sister when she was eleven. She let her son also beat up her younger daughter and son and sent them straight into foster care. I cannot tell you the pure seething anger that comes out of my pores whenever I hear her name. Her passive, stone cold demeanor as my nanny stretched out her arm and smacked me - I'll never forget it. Maybe she had too many of her own demons to bear, but in the eyes of a child her passivity and her refusal to acknowledge what had just happened just reeked of acceptance - as if I had deserved it.
You're not that woman.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Puzzled heart and everyone thank you for your responses. My AH hates it when the children don't finish their food and will punish them for not eating. It makes no sense to me but can't get AH to understand. Supper time is a bad time. In the past he would push their faces into their plates. I'm afraid he will get part custody. My ds heard me stand up to dad and we talked but ds kind of wasn't listening. My dd9 told me yesterday if we divorce she wants to live with dad so he won't be lonely.
I work 12 hours and when I arrived home everyone is acting like yesterday didn't happen. Here I've been upset, worried about the next time. I contacted a paralegel arranging an appointment. There seems to be a lull. This is when in the past I would question myself why go forward? The answer this time comes with more awareness. I hate how terrible yesterday was and I guarantee, actually certain, that something like this will happen again.
I work 12 hours and when I arrived home everyone is acting like yesterday didn't happen. Here I've been upset, worried about the next time. I contacted a paralegel arranging an appointment. There seems to be a lull. This is when in the past I would question myself why go forward? The answer this time comes with more awareness. I hate how terrible yesterday was and I guarantee, actually certain, that something like this will happen again.
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