Silent treatment
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
The lawyer states it's not enough to rise to abuse. That it's seen as discipline and parents are allowed to discipline. We can go through the process but it will be an uphill battle unless there is observed physical injury. He wants me to file at least it's 50% custody. Not good enough I'm there more then that now. HP help my children.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It might not be enough to rise to the legal level of abuse (in the sense of criminal charges), but it certainly ought to be a factor in which parent's custody is in the best interest of the children.
Can you have them interviewed by a counselor or therapist? Maybe even someone working at the kids' school?
Can you have them interviewed by a counselor or therapist? Maybe even someone working at the kids' school?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Nope. That would not be good enough for me. As a mom, if I were in your shoes, this would light a fierce fire. I would reach out to any good source I had. Any lawyer and/or police connections I had. Someone who knows the law, and cares about me and my family specifically, who could let me know, point blank, how to keep my child out of this situation for good.
I am praying for you. Praying for strength and courage.
I am praying for you. Praying for strength and courage.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 193
Depending on the state, it can be incredibly difficult to secure sole custody and a parent's alcoholism is not seen as a big issue unless you can prove that it is having a detrimental impact on the children.
Hiring a therapist who can work with and testify to that damage is one route you could take.
The other thing I found out is that the courts generally favor inertia, or keeping in place what has been established versus acting to make a change. Is there a possibility that you could get him to move out and/or take the kids someplace else for some period of time. Drag your feet a bit on the divorce, because every month you have "sole custody" in this manner would make it harder for him to pursue 50/50 custody, even though that might be the norm.
If he has good legal advice, he might fight this, but if not you might be able to persuade him that this is "just for the time being." That might give your attorney something that is less arguable and sidesteps alcoholism altogether - "Your honor, the children have been living with their mother for the past X months and thriving. Why would we want to upset an arrangement that is clearly working?"
My attorney was really good at identifying these sorts of steps we could take that didn't directly tie to the alcoholism but were a factor of it. For example, he advised me that we could pursue custody based on "parents arguing over custody" - and support it with the episodes where I would not turn my children over to him or had to go get them because he was drinking.
Ask your attorney to get creative and if he isn't willing to do it, find someone else. Your advocate is out there.
Hiring a therapist who can work with and testify to that damage is one route you could take.
The other thing I found out is that the courts generally favor inertia, or keeping in place what has been established versus acting to make a change. Is there a possibility that you could get him to move out and/or take the kids someplace else for some period of time. Drag your feet a bit on the divorce, because every month you have "sole custody" in this manner would make it harder for him to pursue 50/50 custody, even though that might be the norm.
If he has good legal advice, he might fight this, but if not you might be able to persuade him that this is "just for the time being." That might give your attorney something that is less arguable and sidesteps alcoholism altogether - "Your honor, the children have been living with their mother for the past X months and thriving. Why would we want to upset an arrangement that is clearly working?"
My attorney was really good at identifying these sorts of steps we could take that didn't directly tie to the alcoholism but were a factor of it. For example, he advised me that we could pursue custody based on "parents arguing over custody" - and support it with the episodes where I would not turn my children over to him or had to go get them because he was drinking.
Ask your attorney to get creative and if he isn't willing to do it, find someone else. Your advocate is out there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Hope 778 Thank you for thinking and praying for us. After talking to lawyer on Friday I interpreted it as if I had to look at this as more a separation from him then a protection for my children. It isn't abuse it's just discipline and I'm just an overzealous mother. He made a sales pitch but maybe he just wants my money. I told lawyer I need to think about it. I also thought I owed it to AH to get real about what I/we need in this relationship and watch. He treated my comments on Saturday with sarcasm and twisted my words. It's probably a drop in the bucket and I am seeing that my/our needs are not really important to him. It's only about an image and what I give to him. He wants me to wash the window sills. I don't think anyone is judged by their window sills. I told him he's more than capable to wash the window sills. I'm reading and have the DV number.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
"Window sills"??? Next it will be baseboards, then crown molding. It's quacking, he wants to watch you jump thru hoops.
You say you owe it to him to "get real" - you owe him nothing. And if he treats your comments with sarcasm and twisting, then that's about as real as he is going to get - that IS reality.
You say you owe it to him to "get real" - you owe him nothing. And if he treats your comments with sarcasm and twisting, then that's about as real as he is going to get - that IS reality.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by hearthealth 
The lawyer states it's not enough to rise to abuse. That it's seen as discipline and parents are allowed to discipline. We can go through the process but it will be an uphill battle unless there is observed physical injury. He wants me to file at least it's 50% custody. Not good enough I'm there more then that now. HP help my children.
AND
the children may act like nothing happened, but this is causing damage to their mental and emotional well being. it may not come out now, but in the future it very well can. they think this behavior is acceptable and the ABUSE could cause them to have low self esteem and/or carry the action onto others.
prayers out for you and your children!
as for your hubby...boy...what comes to mind is
When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I had filed for divorce 2 years ago. He really hasn't changed in two years so two weeks will be a drop in the bucket. My AH had lawyers in the family. He got that family discount. My lawyer said his was really good.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 193
Talk to at least one more attorney. You need someone who will listen and believe in you and advocate. There's a difference between a lawyer who outlines challenges and can talk about alternate steps of how to address - and an attorney who tries to convince you there's no issue and you are overzealous. You know something is wrong here - you need to find someone who believes the same and will support you through it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi HH,
I just wanted to say that I've been in similar situations with my STBXAH, though he never actually hit the kids. He just yelled at them, or me, or the dog, ruining the meal and everyone's appetite.
It sounds like he's got anger management issues, perhaps exacerbated by lack of booze (which he otherwise would be using to "manage" his temper, if he's like my XH).
It's so hard, and it can be so much better if you can find a way to get yourself and your children out of there.
I just wanted to say that I've been in similar situations with my STBXAH, though he never actually hit the kids. He just yelled at them, or me, or the dog, ruining the meal and everyone's appetite.
It sounds like he's got anger management issues, perhaps exacerbated by lack of booze (which he otherwise would be using to "manage" his temper, if he's like my XH).
It's so hard, and it can be so much better if you can find a way to get yourself and your children out of there.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
