Silent treatment
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
A paralegal is NOT qualified to give you legal advice. You need to consult with a licensed attorney.
A divorce is major surgery. Would you go to a nurse to operate on you? You have too much at stake to get bad advice.
A divorce is major surgery. Would you go to a nurse to operate on you? You have too much at stake to get bad advice.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
And in terms of your husband's treatment of your children, this guy is sounding worse by the minute. Please be sure to tell the lawyer about what he does to "discipline" the kids. All the more reason to get a really GOOD lawyer. You (and your kids) can't afford not to.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Gotcha, that's good to hear. I don't like to sound like an alarmist, but there are paralegals out there who WAY overstep their bounds, and I didn't want to see you wind up with one of those.
Great, I'm glad you're gathering information.
Great, I'm glad you're gathering information.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Please go Friday. Don't talk yourself out of it. You will feel more confident having gone. Again, do it for the children if no one else. They may act like everything is fine now, but this will have lasting affects on them into adulthood when they are mature enough to really wrap their brain around it.
Hugs to you.
Hugs to you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
hearthealth.....it hurts to hear what he is doing to the children around the issues of eating. It is abusive.
I suggest, that, before you see the lawyer...take some time to write as many examples as you can remember that he has done such things....every one....and put dates, or approximate dates, if you can remember.....and, if there were anyone else around that have witnessed these "punishments"....write them down..... this info. may be of help when it comes to custody issues.....
Also, think about getting some therapy for your children. Make no mistake, that this is going to be vital for them. Kids tend to think that everything that goes wrong is their fault! And....they don't always have the verbal skills to talk about it. Just because they are silent, doesn't mean that they are undamaged...
I am glad to hear that you are willing to go forward....the past can't be changed, but you can change the future...beginning with today!
I suggest, that, before you see the lawyer...take some time to write as many examples as you can remember that he has done such things....every one....and put dates, or approximate dates, if you can remember.....and, if there were anyone else around that have witnessed these "punishments"....write them down..... this info. may be of help when it comes to custody issues.....
Also, think about getting some therapy for your children. Make no mistake, that this is going to be vital for them. Kids tend to think that everything that goes wrong is their fault! And....they don't always have the verbal skills to talk about it. Just because they are silent, doesn't mean that they are undamaged...
I am glad to hear that you are willing to go forward....the past can't be changed, but you can change the future...beginning with today!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
What is this thing about abuse and food? hearthealth, my nanny would push my sister's face into her cereal if she wasn't eating fast enough. Needles for me if I was spacing out at breakfast. Slipper in the afternoon if I couldn't eat all of my sandwich. I was a slow eater, and I could never finish the damned thing in the allotted time (not a problem for me now) so my teacher would ask me to put it away. I've never been a great liar, and I couldn't bear throwing food away. So I come home, and away we go.
Another thing that might be happening, and what might explain your children's muted reaction, is that your AH may be cajoling them into silence. My nanny threatened to tell my parents that we were bad kids. She said that nobody would believe us (although, in hindsight, you could hear her screaming down the block.). She said that our parents would be disgusted if they found out how bad we were. Your son may have given the appearance of not listening, but he was probably afraid of being accused of supporting you instead of his dad. Since his dad is the one beating him, he's the one that he has to be super nice too.
I'm sorry.
Another thing that might be happening, and what might explain your children's muted reaction, is that your AH may be cajoling them into silence. My nanny threatened to tell my parents that we were bad kids. She said that nobody would believe us (although, in hindsight, you could hear her screaming down the block.). She said that our parents would be disgusted if they found out how bad we were. Your son may have given the appearance of not listening, but he was probably afraid of being accused of supporting you instead of his dad. Since his dad is the one beating him, he's the one that he has to be super nice too.
I'm sorry.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
My FIL had a terrible time growing up and bore the mental scars until the day he died. Family dinners were always difficult for him. I believe they triggered unhappy memories, and his behavior made everyone miserable. No physical stuff; he just acted like an a**. We tolerated it because my MIL is such a sweetie. I am so sorry that you are experiencing such a tough time. Is attending Al-Anon (if you are not already) a possibility? The fellowship can be really, really helpful, in such a circumstance as yours. Good luck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Is attending Al-Anon (if you are not already) a possibility? The fellowship can be really, really helpful, in such a circumstance as yours.
Supper is extremely difficult due to his behavior. My AH won't allow me to go to Al-Anon. Sometimes I can come up with an excuse to go such as a work meeting or I need to run an errand. Now that school is back in session I can go to a daytime meeting.
I feel numb. I'm grieving a loss of a relationship that wasn't really present since I said I do. He changed that quickly. He was so nice until he " got me". I also feel some strength by knowing this isn't allowable. If it was a nanny she would be fired. But in my situation, I know my AH would take their side over mine. There is a quiet distance in the house today. Not a silent treatment but not a marriage either. I'm trying to keep a lot especially going foward.
Supper is extremely difficult due to his behavior. My AH won't allow me to go to Al-Anon. Sometimes I can come up with an excuse to go such as a work meeting or I need to run an errand. Now that school is back in session I can go to a daytime meeting.
I feel numb. I'm grieving a loss of a relationship that wasn't really present since I said I do. He changed that quickly. He was so nice until he " got me". I also feel some strength by knowing this isn't allowable. If it was a nanny she would be fired. But in my situation, I know my AH would take their side over mine. There is a quiet distance in the house today. Not a silent treatment but not a marriage either. I'm trying to keep a lot especially going foward.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
hearthealth....you may never have thought about it this way, before, but It sounds like you have been in an emotionally abusive relationship....
Emotional abuse leaves scars, also. You don't have to be hit to be abused.....
I suggest that you consider calling the National Abuse Hotline....and speaking to them about your situation...and, they can direct you to an abuse counselor in your area.
You could talk to an abuse counselor, anonymously, and privately, on the phone. Your husband never has to know about it.
these people will understand and will be very kind....They are not a government agency and will not force you to do anything you don't want to do.
They are there to support and help you in any way that that they can and in any way that you need.....
The number is: 1-800-787-3224
Think about it.....
Emotional abuse leaves scars, also. You don't have to be hit to be abused.....
I suggest that you consider calling the National Abuse Hotline....and speaking to them about your situation...and, they can direct you to an abuse counselor in your area.
You could talk to an abuse counselor, anonymously, and privately, on the phone. Your husband never has to know about it.
these people will understand and will be very kind....They are not a government agency and will not force you to do anything you don't want to do.
They are there to support and help you in any way that that they can and in any way that you need.....
The number is: 1-800-787-3224
Think about it.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Hearthealth, this is all so sad that your environment has become your "normal". I grew up in a similar household, but my Mom did not work outside the home -- she felt trapped and was a doormat to my emotionally abusive A father. We also had those "forced" dinners as a "family" and had our share of our faces being shoved into our dinner plates after his martini's. If you can't do it for your yourself, do it for your kids - PLEASE (and I hope it's not too late). Your daughter saying she'd go with her Dad so he won't be "lonely" shows how sick she already is thinking his behavior is "normal". And no doubt, your A's sick and twisted mother is probably coaching her. How sad is it that you don't have a pro blem with your kids being first into daycare and the last to leave because at least they are "safe" there? You know what my upbringing taught me? It taught me that I will NEVER have children. Who wants to bring a child into this cold-hearted world? I want to do nothing but work and make my own money and not be dependent on ANYONE else in this world to avoid the hell that was my dysfunctional family growing up. Is this what you want for your children? Because that's what is being modeled for them.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I can remember watching an episode of Cesar Milan (the dog whisperer)...
He was saying that some people think that they should push a dogs nose in their own waste to teach them a lesson. and, that hitting a puppy on it's nose to train them,,,
He was very clear that this is an outgrowth of ignorance and was cruel, to boot.
Furthermore...it didn't work.....
He said that it only demonstrated that those people have no understanding of how a dog's mind actually works!
He was saying that some people think that they should push a dogs nose in their own waste to teach them a lesson. and, that hitting a puppy on it's nose to train them,,,
He was very clear that this is an outgrowth of ignorance and was cruel, to boot.
Furthermore...it didn't work.....
He said that it only demonstrated that those people have no understanding of how a dog's mind actually works!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
We oftentimes accept unacceptable things as normal when it becomes our life. I did this. The situation you are in - your marriage - is not normal or acceptable. Not healthy. Please don't take this as judgement. I did not realize the same about my situation with AH until I made myself step back. And I had to force myself out of it.
Do you feel scared? I wonder how he would react if he knew about SR? He is emotionally abusing you, and this type of control will lead to physical... I am sure of it. Please, please, PLEASE get out of this situation. I am so worried for you and your children. I would bring you all into my own home if I could.
Do you feel scared? I wonder how he would react if he knew about SR? He is emotionally abusing you, and this type of control will lead to physical... I am sure of it. Please, please, PLEASE get out of this situation. I am so worried for you and your children. I would bring you all into my own home if I could.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
If you're like me, you read dandy's hotline advice and thought-- oh no, not me. He may be an a$$ sometimes, but I'm not ABUSED. (What a scary, real word.)
You might be surprised at how helpful that call could be. I felt like I was wasting time that they could be spending with people who were "really abused". I was wrong.
Has anyone watched the movie "Boyhood"?
I rented it a while back and watched it while my kids were playing xbox with a friend across the room. They said the movie seemed dumb and weren't interested.
There's a scene where his mom has remarried an alcoholic man whose abuse escalates, and as a dinner table scene ended, I realized I was clutching the couch pillows in a death grip and my whole body was tense. Then I realized the room was silent and turned around--all three boys were still and my two boys had ashen faces. They were frozen. They said- why would she have married him? And it started a good conversation of how it grows over time. But I found it interesting how close to home that hit two years after divorce when we were all in a good groove living a thousand miles away from their dad...
The effects are lasting.
You might be surprised at how helpful that call could be. I felt like I was wasting time that they could be spending with people who were "really abused". I was wrong.
Has anyone watched the movie "Boyhood"?
I rented it a while back and watched it while my kids were playing xbox with a friend across the room. They said the movie seemed dumb and weren't interested.
There's a scene where his mom has remarried an alcoholic man whose abuse escalates, and as a dinner table scene ended, I realized I was clutching the couch pillows in a death grip and my whole body was tense. Then I realized the room was silent and turned around--all three boys were still and my two boys had ashen faces. They were frozen. They said- why would she have married him? And it started a good conversation of how it grows over time. But I found it interesting how close to home that hit two years after divorce when we were all in a good groove living a thousand miles away from their dad...
The effects are lasting.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Originally Posted by Praying 
If you're like me, you read dandy's hotline advice and thought-- oh no, not me. He may be an a$$ sometimes, but I'm not ABUSED. (What a scary, real word.).
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Even BEFORE you call the lawyer, please call your local women's shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline and speak with an advocate. You don't have to stay at the shelter to get their help. It is possible you qualify for a protective order that would require HIM to leave while you and the kids stay there for the time being. Even if you don't qualify for an order, the advocate can help you with safety planning that will permit you and the kids to leave SAFELY when it's time.
Your husband actually strikes me as quite dangerous, and I suspect there's a lot more going on that you haven't told us about (and you don't need to). For instance (and you don't need to answer this here, but it's something to tell an advocate or lawyer about), does he ever force you to have sex at a time or in a way that you don't want to? Has he ever grabbed you by the throat or tried to "choke" you?
There's a lot of help and resources out there, but you must reach out to connect with them.
One other thing--be VERY careful about your computer usage. It may be safest to use a computer he doesn't have access to for posting here or for researching stuff about abuse or about divorce. Your browser history (which you can erase but can still be recovered by someone with a bit of computer knowledge) can show exactly what you are doing online.
Please be careful.
Your husband actually strikes me as quite dangerous, and I suspect there's a lot more going on that you haven't told us about (and you don't need to). For instance (and you don't need to answer this here, but it's something to tell an advocate or lawyer about), does he ever force you to have sex at a time or in a way that you don't want to? Has he ever grabbed you by the throat or tried to "choke" you?
There's a lot of help and resources out there, but you must reach out to connect with them.
One other thing--be VERY careful about your computer usage. It may be safest to use a computer he doesn't have access to for posting here or for researching stuff about abuse or about divorce. Your browser history (which you can erase but can still be recovered by someone with a bit of computer knowledge) can show exactly what you are doing online.
Please be careful.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by hearthealth
He swiped me with a broom handle when he went after the dog once. Left holes in the wall. The dog probably got a concussion. Dog will avoid STBX.
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