she's withdrawing from me again
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she's withdrawing from me again
So in two minds about posting this because I might be blowing things out of proportion or she might just be super stressed about her work but...
She's withdrawing again, started Saturday night after we spent the afternoon being uber lazy and watching films (her idea even tho she has an awful lot of work on)
Sunday she was quiet and not very conversive barely responding or talking to me and obviously working to make up lost time.
Today even quieter. As I said she has oodles of work on but took morning off to work in garage. I think she didn't want to be in the office working near me. She worked all evening and only stopped and entered living room when I left to shower and go to bed. Feels like she's avoiding me.
She won't kiss me, keeps her head bent.
She's barely caring towards me.
As I told her supper would ready in 5min she said she didn't want to eat.
Reading up on Co dependency and trying to keep my head up, build my on self esteem and value.
She's withdrawing again, started Saturday night after we spent the afternoon being uber lazy and watching films (her idea even tho she has an awful lot of work on)
Sunday she was quiet and not very conversive barely responding or talking to me and obviously working to make up lost time.
Today even quieter. As I said she has oodles of work on but took morning off to work in garage. I think she didn't want to be in the office working near me. She worked all evening and only stopped and entered living room when I left to shower and go to bed. Feels like she's avoiding me.
She won't kiss me, keeps her head bent.
She's barely caring towards me.
As I told her supper would ready in 5min she said she didn't want to eat.
Reading up on Co dependency and trying to keep my head up, build my on self esteem and value.
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Poppet, she's been withdrawing for a long time, now. This isn't something new.
You DO have value, but you're wasting it in this relationship. Nobody recognizes it--not even you. You're burying your light under this very dark and oppressive bushel that your relationship has become. From everything I've seen, there's no possibility you will ever flourish there.
I wish I could tell you something encouraging, but I think your only hope for happiness lies in your leaving this all behind you. As long as you chain your sense of self and self-worth to this relationship, I see you trudging the same well-worn path of unhappiness and anxiety indefinitely. I wish you could value yourself enough to say, "Hell, NO, I'm not going to settle for this."
You DO have value, but you're wasting it in this relationship. Nobody recognizes it--not even you. You're burying your light under this very dark and oppressive bushel that your relationship has become. From everything I've seen, there's no possibility you will ever flourish there.
I wish I could tell you something encouraging, but I think your only hope for happiness lies in your leaving this all behind you. As long as you chain your sense of self and self-worth to this relationship, I see you trudging the same well-worn path of unhappiness and anxiety indefinitely. I wish you could value yourself enough to say, "Hell, NO, I'm not going to settle for this."
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Look back over your posts...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...archid=7296097
How much more of your one precious life are you going to spend this way?
Sending you a hug.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...archid=7296097
How much more of your one precious life are you going to spend this way?
Sending you a hug.
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What if you decided not to take this personally? She's just doing what she does. It's not a reflection of you or your value. What if your happiness didn't depend on someone else behaving a certain way toward you?
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Thank you guys, I didn't sleep last night. I'm worried I'm blowing this out of proportion but it feels like I just need to do more and I don't know where the time is going to come from.
She's drinking more too, and staying up late and then inflicting her misery on us in the morning.
She told me she can't stand to be around us because she's sick of being the only one that gives a s**t and is tired of picking up after people. Thats c**p, I've been working my arse off to pull my own weight and take on extra things whilst she works overtime at the moment plus I have the kids to organise back into a routine to get to school. My eldest starts secondary school tomorrow and I'm a little wobbly about it - he's my baby who's all grown up and I have no one to support me. I have a nightmare evening tomorrow timings wise with clubs for the kids and there is going to be no help coming my way.
And she's checked out because I'm not pulling my weight and she's having to pick up after me.
Sigh.
She's drinking more too, and staying up late and then inflicting her misery on us in the morning.
She told me she can't stand to be around us because she's sick of being the only one that gives a s**t and is tired of picking up after people. Thats c**p, I've been working my arse off to pull my own weight and take on extra things whilst she works overtime at the moment plus I have the kids to organise back into a routine to get to school. My eldest starts secondary school tomorrow and I'm a little wobbly about it - he's my baby who's all grown up and I have no one to support me. I have a nightmare evening tomorrow timings wise with clubs for the kids and there is going to be no help coming my way.
And she's checked out because I'm not pulling my weight and she's having to pick up after me.
Sigh.
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She's making me so anxious this morning. Stomping around like she has to do everything. I just listed in my head all the things I have done this morning (i.e. general things, not just for me or my boys)
I shouldn't be sharing this day to day c**p really but I need to get things off my chest (again).
She's trying to draw me into a "discussion" and I don't want to go there. DOn't know if that is right or wrong but I don't want to hear about how I'm lazy and apathetic and don't discipline the kids when all she does is drink and stay up late.
I shouldn't be sharing this day to day c**p really but I need to get things off my chest (again).
She's trying to draw me into a "discussion" and I don't want to go there. DOn't know if that is right or wrong but I don't want to hear about how I'm lazy and apathetic and don't discipline the kids when all she does is drink and stay up late.
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As we've been telling you, YOU cannot make her happy. She CAN'T be happy because she's a miserable alcoholic.
How do you think all of this makes your kids feel? THEY don't have a choice about being subjected to this.
How do you think all of this makes your kids feel? THEY don't have a choice about being subjected to this.
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Very true Lexie.
I don't have the strength of character to stand up for myself. I can in my head but not in reality.
I don't want to do something drastic if she's simply wound herself up about work and is taking it out on me. But is that just an excuse I'm making to myself?
I must sound pathetic, my parents are waiting for me to wake up and smell the roses too.
I feel sort of trapped in my own head, heart says one thing, head is screaming another, logic tells me something else and anxiety tells me another. And round and round I go. I keep thinking of the intermitent chicken story. Am i that chicken?
I don't have the strength of character to stand up for myself. I can in my head but not in reality.
I don't want to do something drastic if she's simply wound herself up about work and is taking it out on me. But is that just an excuse I'm making to myself?
I must sound pathetic, my parents are waiting for me to wake up and smell the roses too.
I feel sort of trapped in my own head, heart says one thing, head is screaming another, logic tells me something else and anxiety tells me another. And round and round I go. I keep thinking of the intermitent chicken story. Am i that chicken?
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Well, I don't know if she's intentionally keeping you hooked in--it kind of seems to me, from what you've posted, that YOU are the one desperately hanging on. She's said a few times that she doesn't want to continue the relationship. Why she's still here is anyone's guess--it's probably the path of least resistance.
Let me ask you this. Since you've started posting here, what indications have you had that there is a realistic chance of a real future with this woman? Sure, maybe you have the occasional pleasant day/evening/outing with her. What I'm talking about is the chance that you'd have the kind of relationship where, if you were having a personal crisis--with your kids, your health, your work--she would really be THERE for you? Because from all I've seen, all of your energy has gone into supporting HER, so she won't leave you. That's not a relationship you can count on.
Apart from feeling you WANT her, what is telling you to stay?
I forget, are you seeing a therapist? If not, it might be a good idea to find someone objective to help you work this through.
Let me ask you this. Since you've started posting here, what indications have you had that there is a realistic chance of a real future with this woman? Sure, maybe you have the occasional pleasant day/evening/outing with her. What I'm talking about is the chance that you'd have the kind of relationship where, if you were having a personal crisis--with your kids, your health, your work--she would really be THERE for you? Because from all I've seen, all of your energy has gone into supporting HER, so she won't leave you. That's not a relationship you can count on.
Apart from feeling you WANT her, what is telling you to stay?
I forget, are you seeing a therapist? If not, it might be a good idea to find someone objective to help you work this through.
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You might be surprised how much energy you would have for everything if you weren't wasting so much dancing to her every whim.
SHE WILL NEVER BE HAPPY. Although I do think she rather enjoys watching you stand on your head trying and if by chance your attention strays to something else, like your children, she yanks your leash again. She's a sadist.
I am never, ever this blunt: FOR YOUR CHILDREN'S SAKE GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP, since you can't do it for yourself.
I know the damage it does firsthand. My father is moody, angry, controlling, and demanding and growing up walking on eggshells has affected me and my sister in a hundred harmful ways. We can't handle confrontation, we're severe introverts, and we both struggle with anxiety...we grew up in a situation where nothing ever felt safe. We have both had eating disorders and alcohol problems. My father is now 91 and we're all STILL dancing to his tune and afraid of his temper...he refuses to go to assisted living and is endangering himself and my mother because of it.
You and your children have a chance to be happy. Your partner never will because she likes it that way and she doesn't care who she hurts.
I hope you take that chance.
SHE WILL NEVER BE HAPPY. Although I do think she rather enjoys watching you stand on your head trying and if by chance your attention strays to something else, like your children, she yanks your leash again. She's a sadist.
I am never, ever this blunt: FOR YOUR CHILDREN'S SAKE GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP, since you can't do it for yourself.
I know the damage it does firsthand. My father is moody, angry, controlling, and demanding and growing up walking on eggshells has affected me and my sister in a hundred harmful ways. We can't handle confrontation, we're severe introverts, and we both struggle with anxiety...we grew up in a situation where nothing ever felt safe. We have both had eating disorders and alcohol problems. My father is now 91 and we're all STILL dancing to his tune and afraid of his temper...he refuses to go to assisted living and is endangering himself and my mother because of it.
You and your children have a chance to be happy. Your partner never will because she likes it that way and she doesn't care who she hurts.
I hope you take that chance.
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I don't want to do something drastic if she's simply wound herself up about work and is taking it out on me. But is that just an excuse I'm making to myself?
I keep thinking of the intermitent chicken story. Am i that chicken?
You are a person stranded in the ocean. Your partner is a life raft. The raft is leaking and has nothing to offer you. There is no fresh water.
You are thirsty, so thirsty and desperate that you start slurping up huge amounts of seawater. Your kids are watching you do this. You've given up hope of ever finding a way out so you might as well drink something even if it kills you.
But here's the thing. There's another boat. And it has tons of fresh water. Enough water to drink. Enough water to bathe in. Enough water to plop in those bath bombs from Lush and make your skin all purple and pink.
But you have to leave your partner, your rickety life raft, in order to get to that boat. Your kids don't know what to do, they're just too young. They won't leave you.
So you're all stuck. But you don't have to be.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 121
I lost most of my friends because of how I dealt with my AH's drinking. They either got sick of hearing the same old story (for the ones I told), or I became an introvert who wouldn't leave the house because I preoccupied all of my time with babysitting him or trying to keep him sober.
One of my few friends who stuck around grew up with an abusive, alcholic step-father during her teen years. She often said the same thing to me whenever I'd be discussing his (my) problems.
Only you know how much you can take.
Do you know your breaking point? Do you have one? Have you ever said "this is where I'll draw the line" or "if (s)he does this, I'm done"?
Poppet do you ever see yourself leaving? Maybe not even for yourself, but for your children?
I learned my breaking point. I grew up in a home with high-functioning alcoholic parents. I know the damage and baggage I carry around because of that.
My breaking point- is the day it affects my baby. I could have a hundred more rounds in me... but she didn't ask for any of it.
Where will you draw the line?
One of my few friends who stuck around grew up with an abusive, alcholic step-father during her teen years. She often said the same thing to me whenever I'd be discussing his (my) problems.
Only you know how much you can take.
Do you know your breaking point? Do you have one? Have you ever said "this is where I'll draw the line" or "if (s)he does this, I'm done"?
Poppet do you ever see yourself leaving? Maybe not even for yourself, but for your children?
I learned my breaking point. I grew up in a home with high-functioning alcoholic parents. I know the damage and baggage I carry around because of that.
My breaking point- is the day it affects my baby. I could have a hundred more rounds in me... but she didn't ask for any of it.
Where will you draw the line?
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
Originally Posted by Poppet35 
I don't want to hear about how I'm lazy and apathetic and don't discipline the kids when all she does is drink and stay up late.
I may be making assumptions here, but for example, any chance what you wrote in the quote above has more to do with her than you? She drinks and stays up late at night. Do you think she wakes up well rested to give it her all? Doubtful. She may feel she's the one who is lazy and apathetic deep down and isn't comfortable with it so instead projects those feelings on to you.
Trust in yourself, Poppet. Try not to take what she says personally. Otherwise, you may twist yourself in knots and find yourself JADEing with her...and that'll go nowhere. Continue to build yourself up...and the answers to your questions will come to you. It takes time though.
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
Poppet, are you staying because you don't know what to do if you leave? Or is the mere thought of leaving so overwhelming you'd rather stay?
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Well, I don't know if she's intentionally keeping you hooked in--it kind of seems to me, from what you've posted, that YOU are the one desperately hanging on. She's said a few times that she doesn't want to continue the relationship. Why she's still here is anyone's guess--it's probably the path of least resistance.
Let me ask you this. Since you've started posting here, what indications have you had that there is a realistic chance of a real future with this woman? Sure, maybe you have the occasional pleasant day/evening/outing with her. What I'm talking about is the chance that you'd have the kind of relationship where, if you were having a personal crisis--with your kids, your health, your work--she would really be THERE for you? Because from all I've seen, all of your energy has gone into supporting HER, so she won't leave you. That's not a relationship you can count on.
Apart from feeling you WANT her, what is telling you to stay?
I forget, are you seeing a therapist? If not, it might be a good idea to find someone objective to help you work this through.
Let me ask you this. Since you've started posting here, what indications have you had that there is a realistic chance of a real future with this woman? Sure, maybe you have the occasional pleasant day/evening/outing with her. What I'm talking about is the chance that you'd have the kind of relationship where, if you were having a personal crisis--with your kids, your health, your work--she would really be THERE for you? Because from all I've seen, all of your energy has gone into supporting HER, so she won't leave you. That's not a relationship you can count on.
Apart from feeling you WANT her, what is telling you to stay?
I forget, are you seeing a therapist? If not, it might be a good idea to find someone objective to help you work this through.
I'm not sure realistically there is a future. We don't want the same things, I keep doing and being the same person and that doesn't mend anything.
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Just because someone tells you something doesn't make it true, even if it's someone you care about. What helped me to build self confidence and break this cycle of accepting verbal abuse and other unacceptable behavior was to work on my own recovery and take a long break from relationships.
It was scary to be on my own, especially at first, but I've built a great life for myself and my sons, full of people who treat me with respect and things I enjoy. There are no more eggshells on the floor and when someone starts trying to push their issues onto me I can recognize that it's a product of their own internal misery and sickness which has nothing to do with me.
I think you might be surprised at how light and free you feel once the weight of your partner's unhappiness is removed from your lives. She sounds like a millstone around your neck dragging you down rather than a loving partner in the relationship.
It was scary to be on my own, especially at first, but I've built a great life for myself and my sons, full of people who treat me with respect and things I enjoy. There are no more eggshells on the floor and when someone starts trying to push their issues onto me I can recognize that it's a product of their own internal misery and sickness which has nothing to do with me.
I think you might be surprised at how light and free you feel once the weight of your partner's unhappiness is removed from your lives. She sounds like a millstone around your neck dragging you down rather than a loving partner in the relationship.
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Everything came to a head this morning - I've been ignoring her moods and unkindness for days. I just wanted to focus on my boys. My eldest started secondary school today and I wanted things to be good, and relaxed for him to set off on this new adventure this morning. She couldn't even give me that. She managed until my son left but then...No.
She keeps telling me how it's all my fault- how she hopes one day I will look back and think "well I f***ked that up!".
She told me last time that she was giving it one last chance and then that was that, if things didn't change she couldn't do it again. Well this is it now. Apparently I did same old same old and nothing has changed so that's it. And I'm not fighting it, I'm not pleading. She's been on the gin since 11am and is now passed out in the garden.
Apparently she has wasted the best years of her life on me and she wants out.
I realise I think now, that I was simply being me, perhaps a wee bit lazy, a bit forgetful, a bit disorganised, a bit in my head, a bit "ooo i'd like to do that" but I never organise it. But that is me, I realise that now. That is me.
Over the last few weeks I have begun to find myself, mend myself and get myself back on an even keel, to feel better, keep on top of discipline with my boys, organise school stuff, finish jobs i said I would but it's still not good enough.
All she can see is that she has to "carry me" to suggest things to focus on me and in the process neglect herself. She told me I have driven her to the point where she drinks a load, smokes waaay more, can't sleep and frankly doesn't care. I have driven her to this point because I didn't take a her kind and gentle pointers about disciplining the boys, nose blowing and so on.
I need to get her shifted before the boys get home
She keeps telling me how it's all my fault- how she hopes one day I will look back and think "well I f***ked that up!".
She told me last time that she was giving it one last chance and then that was that, if things didn't change she couldn't do it again. Well this is it now. Apparently I did same old same old and nothing has changed so that's it. And I'm not fighting it, I'm not pleading. She's been on the gin since 11am and is now passed out in the garden.
Apparently she has wasted the best years of her life on me and she wants out.
I realise I think now, that I was simply being me, perhaps a wee bit lazy, a bit forgetful, a bit disorganised, a bit in my head, a bit "ooo i'd like to do that" but I never organise it. But that is me, I realise that now. That is me.
Over the last few weeks I have begun to find myself, mend myself and get myself back on an even keel, to feel better, keep on top of discipline with my boys, organise school stuff, finish jobs i said I would but it's still not good enough.
All she can see is that she has to "carry me" to suggest things to focus on me and in the process neglect herself. She told me I have driven her to the point where she drinks a load, smokes waaay more, can't sleep and frankly doesn't care. I have driven her to this point because I didn't take a her kind and gentle pointers about disciplining the boys, nose blowing and so on.
I need to get her shifted before the boys get home
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Poppet....to have a good relationship...it is a two way street.
And, sometimes, it may be that your part of it is that you are willing to stay, no matter what.
It is not your fault that she treats you like crap. That is HER fault.
Now, on your side of things...it is a valid thing to ask...what is wrong with you that you are willing to stay with less affection than the backporch dog gets....
Why are you so willing to live on crumbs...(or chicken corn pellets...lol)?
There could be many answers as to why you are so willing to passively live under such circumstances....
Never mind what the kids are learning about relationships...that they will take into their own adult relationships....(these things are handed down from generation to generation, you know).....
I am not saying that the whole demise of the marriage is your complete fault.....
Just figure what part you are p laying in this dance.....
We are not put on this earth to merely exist...we are meant to thrive...to be happy and joyous....
That mean YOU as much as anyone else....
And, sometimes, it may be that your part of it is that you are willing to stay, no matter what.
It is not your fault that she treats you like crap. That is HER fault.
Now, on your side of things...it is a valid thing to ask...what is wrong with you that you are willing to stay with less affection than the backporch dog gets....
Why are you so willing to live on crumbs...(or chicken corn pellets...lol)?
There could be many answers as to why you are so willing to passively live under such circumstances....
Never mind what the kids are learning about relationships...that they will take into their own adult relationships....(these things are handed down from generation to generation, you know).....
I am not saying that the whole demise of the marriage is your complete fault.....
Just figure what part you are p laying in this dance.....
We are not put on this earth to merely exist...we are meant to thrive...to be happy and joyous....
That mean YOU as much as anyone else....
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