she's withdrawing from me again

Old 09-09-2016, 08:53 AM
  # 81 (permalink)  
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Poppett,

You have made so many changes on "yourself" in your recent posting. I can see that everything slowly sinking in. You understand now that there is no "pleasing" her, or any addict. You have tried for many, many years and it hasn't worked. You are trying not to engage when she wants to talk and his drunk. You are recognizing that when she is drunk that it is a worthless conversation. (an Alonon-er told me a long time ago when you are fighting with an addict who is intoxicated you are speaking two different languages, she can't understand you and you don't understand her, so why engage) This made my life so much easier!!

I am so proud of you that you want to meet with an attorney and find out your legal rights. That is the best thing you can do. What is happening in your relationship is that you are getting healthier and not accepting her abuse. She can't handle this and can't understand what "switched" in you. You are not "helping or engaging" in her the way you use to. You are staying busy with doing your stuff, not catering to "her" needs. So your brain is slowly coming out of the fog. When you have people on the forum who have all tried to "help" their addict to no avail. You realize that you are not the only one that has lived this. The pattern repeats over and over in all of our lives, same things, just different people.

Keep up what you are doing, its working. You need to be a healthy mom for your kids, they are your priority in your life right now!! Hugs my friend I hope you get the peace and quiet when she leaves.
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Old 09-09-2016, 08:56 AM
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Poppet, I say this with a very deep understanding of where you are because I have been there myself, first with my mother and then with many of my adult relationships with unhappy/emotionally unavailable people - making changes to yourself in order to be more the person you think she wants to be in a relationship with is a very limited interpretation of "working on yourself".

I had to shift my thinking about who I wanted to be. I had to decide that I wanted to be the very best self I could uncover, and that necessitated that I let go of the idea that a relationship with anyone else could reveal that for me. I had to accept that only alone could I do the work I needed to do in order to love myself enough that I could survive without the validation of another person.
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Old 09-09-2016, 09:21 AM
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I'm finding it so hard to accept. I admitted I struggled to get on top of things a fee weeks ago and let things slide because I'd run myself down. When I got back from my break at mum and dads I was so positive and happy and on top of things and looking forward and even though I did all the things we'd talked about she'd already got fed up and withdrawn. And it makes no difference. It feels so unfair. I know this cycle has gone on for years and every time I try to not let it happen. I felt so more positive about this time but she'd already got frustrated and thought it would be the same as always but it wasn't it was different and now the only ones it matters to now are me and my boys.
Im tired and letting this get to me and feel sad and a bit lost. Need a sleep and no talking and I'll feel better and be able to focus.
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Old 09-09-2016, 09:24 AM
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Yes - all the drama and posturing and avoiding and rationalizing, and....... well, it really does suck the life out of you somedays.

We care.

COD
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Old 09-09-2016, 09:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Poppet35 View Post
I'm finding it so hard to accept. I admitted I struggled to get on top of things a fee weeks ago and let things slide because I'd run myself down. When I got back from my break at mum and dads I was so positive and happy and on top of things and looking forward and even though I did all the things we'd talked about she'd already got fed up and withdrawn. And it makes no difference. It feels so unfair. I know this cycle has gone on for years and every time I try to not let it happen. I felt so more positive about this time but she'd already got frustrated and thought it would be the same as always but it wasn't it was different and now the only ones it matters to now are me and my boys. Im tired and letting this get to me and feel sad and a bit lost. Need a sleep and no talking and I'll feel better and be able to focus.
When I stopped looking externally for validation and happiness, all of my confusion and frustration melted away.
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Old 09-09-2016, 10:02 AM
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Look, you don't have to accept her version of what happened. You only need to accept that that IS her version of what happened. "I understand that's how you feel. You are entitled to your feelings." Don't even offer up your feelings about it--just keep repeating that what you believe isn't important for present purposes. You just want to end this in a kind and fair way with mutual respect.

That might not happen, but hey, it's the best possible outcome.
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Old 09-09-2016, 11:00 AM
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Don't engage with the crazy.

A story. When I was around eight or nine, my nanny got really angry at us for liking ice cream. She was so angry, that she decided to serve us mint chocolate chip ice cream to teach us a lesson.

I can't speak for my sister, but that was the first time things really clicked for me. I thought to myself "This is crazy." I also thought, "Well, I'm a kid, so of COURSE I love ice cream." And I thought, "What kind of person punishes kids by serving them ice cream?"

So while she gave us the ugly stare, I pretended to act all sorry and sorrowful for eating this mint chocolate chip ice cream. I realized that to get out of this certain pickle, I needed to just shut up, but look miserable enough to make her think that her punishment was doing us good.

It was such empowering moment for me, because I think it was the first time that I thought to myself "Jesus this woman is crazy and there's nothing I can say to make her un-crazy." And "I'm not a bad person, I am just a kid enjoying this ice cream." And, "if I just play along, this moment will pass just like any other. I just need to keep quiet and keep on savoring every last bit of this, and one day I will get out of here."

I love mint chocolate chip ice cream.

Last edited by PuzzledHeart; 09-09-2016 at 11:01 AM. Reason: lunch hour typos
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Old 09-09-2016, 11:54 AM
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That sounds truly crazy. I see your point. Ride it out to get through this.

She keeps telling me I'm not fighting for the relationship and that I don't care it's over and am i really going to just let her walk awy but then when I do try and fight for it and explain myself and listen and try and understand her point of view it makes no difference. I sit wondering what the point of all the conversations are if it's over and nothing I do or can say will change it. I don't get why she wants to go over stuff.
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Old 09-09-2016, 11:55 AM
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Poppet - I just came across a quote I wanted to share with you. Well, really, with all of us. But you in particular today.

“Maybe the reason nothing seems to be 'fixing you' is because you're not broken. Let today be the day you stop living within the confines of how others define or judge you. You have a unique beauty and purpose; live accordingly.”


― Steve Maraboli
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Old 09-09-2016, 01:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Poppet35 View Post
That sounds truly crazy. I see your point. Ride it out to get through this. She keeps telling me I'm not fighting for the relationship and that I don't care it's over and am i really going to just let her walk awy but then when I do try and fight for it and explain myself and listen and try and understand her point of view it makes no difference. I sit wondering what the point of all the conversations are if it's over and nothing I do or can say will change it. I don't get why she wants to go over stuff.
It's true: it makes no difference.

Based upon her ACTIONS, what she wants - what she REALLY wants - is to just keep dancing. To just continue on with things exactly as they are. Does it make sense? No. But you know what? She is an addict. Addiction is not a logical condition.

Your option here is to accept that she does not want things to get better. There is no magic formula. Once you accept that, a world of other options opens up to you. Most of them will not include her, but many of them are destined to be wonderful. What you have now? Is destined to stay exactly the same.

Sometimes we want that, because it is familiar or because we secretly think we're the worst person in the world and don't deserve better. We call it hope, but it is the exact opposite. It's giving up and settling for no better than what you have.
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