CentralOhioDad

Poppet - I have to ask this: has she EVER touched you in an aggressive manner, as in she was angry at you and grabbed you or struck you or shoved you and caused pain?

LexieCat

But neither one of you can control what the other one thinks. Don't try to convince her of that. Work on non-responses, like "OK," "Uh-huh," "I hear you." You could even say, "I understand you think that blah blah blah" (and repeat her EXACT WORDS). If she tries to get you to agree, you can say, "It doesn't matter whether I agree or not, you are entitled to your feelings." And walk away.

The goal is to end the endless "discussion"--don't give her any openings.

CentralOhioDad

Riiiiiiight!! Sure, you do "X," then I'll do "Y". Quack, quack. Don't fall for that BS.

"Carry" you, huh? Wow.

You so deserve so much more. I pray that you get that, and soon.

Poppet35

No never ever.

HoldOnLoosely

Oy. She's relentless. Do yourself a favor. Step out of the line of fire and give yourself time to breathe and work through everything.

A year ago, my husband and I were in marriage counseling (we're separated now). Anyway, he says me, "you need to work through your anger (due to his behaviors) b/f we can move forward". Umm, that may be so, but he had work to do himself with his recovery and deep rooted issues. Two months later, he finally confesses to massage parlors visits a 1 1/2 prior. Cue in more anger...and I guess we won't move forward since now I have EVEN more anger to work through. Of course, that got thrown my way so much. I lost track the # of times he brought it up to me. One day, I finally said to him, "Please stop. Find me one woman who wouldn't be angry. Find her for me. I want to meet her. Please stop with your comments regarding anger. I'm done." And, he stopped...for now.

The shift of responsibility for the state of affairs in a relationship is mind-boggling. Sure, it takes two and both parties contribute to the dance in the relationship, but it's amazing that sh*t that comes your way.

Hang in there.

CentralOhioDad

AW had an emotional affair at work with her boss. Her reason why (on those days when she doesn't ADAMANTLY deny it) was: "Because you (COD) were such a lousy husband, I had to go seek attention elsewhere - you forced me into his arms". QUACK!

How's that for blame-shifting???

Poppet35

That's the sort of thing she says to me. "can you blame me for wanting some attention from someone so I can feel good about myself" this was when she was bringing up her ex having got back in contact with her.

Because I was pants I was driving her towards someone else.

This is so horrible, part of me still wants to fix this, for it to be good.

Poppet35

She's so sad and I'm starting to feel really bad. Wanting to reach out and make everything better.

CentralOhioDad

This is what we are trying to tell you.. You CANNOT fix it. Period.

How has the fixing gone for you thus far? Not well, in fact it seems it's going in the wrong direction! And yet - you've bought flowers, you check off things on her list that she thinks you should do more of - and yet she's more unhappy!!

What is she doing to 'fix' things? Not a darn thing.

CentralOhioDad

Her sadness, her thoughts, her feelings - are hers to own, and hers to adjust. You don;t have that power, or that right, to change someone like that. She's a supposed adult - she needs to deal with things. Stop trying to do for her what she needs to do for herself. Please

LexieCat

You both have fantasy versions of each other. Your fantasy is that she will love you and appreciate everything you do, and support you in a healthy way. HER fantasy is that you will become this person that, by your own admission, you aren't, and make her the center of the universe.

Do you see how INSANE this is, on both sides??

amy55

Poppet,

It seems that you are still looking for that solution to a problem that there is no solution too. The goals are changed all the time.

I want to tell you some of the things that I found out. I discovered that when my ex was angry, he had already been angry for awhile. Most times it had nothing to do with me. That "war" in his head started a long time before he even came home from work. I was the person that he could unload all of his hatred and self hatred on.

You can never satisfy someone, who doesn't want to be satisfied, that is just looking to blame someone else to blame their life on.

I have a few suggestions for you.

Next argument, really pay attention to what is being said. You will see that no matter what you do or say, it's not going to end that argument.

Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). It just gives them further ammo to use against you.

I never realized how much I JADE(d). If you do happen to do that (JADE), watch how quick she will jump on that.

Those circular arguments are horrible.

It was when I would sit there and listen to everything in the 3rd party, instead of getting involved in it, I began to believe that there was nothing I could say or do that would stop anything.

Get off that "merry-go-round". It's not that merry.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy

Poppet35

It's really hard to see someone you love be so sad. I know I should just leave well alone. Like I wanted her to leave me alone this morning.

I don't seem to be able to fix things I know. It's my default setting to want to make things better or at least try to

HoldOnLoosely

It is sad, Poppet. It's heartbreaking. Perhaps, the best way to "make things better" is to work on yourself. Early on, that's the advice I got here. It didn't click with me at the time. Work on myself? I'm not the one with alcoholism and other issues. Life had to get a wee bit more unmanageable b/f I decided to embrace and, more importantly, understand the words of wisdom here. The best way I made things better in my life was to take a step back, calm myself down and work through everything...and take time to strengthen myself.

SparkleKitty

Poppet there will always be one - and ONLY one - person in your life that you CAN "fix" -- and that person is starving for the kind of attention, concern and consideration that you are giving away to someone who cannot appreciate it. Look in your mirror and see who I mean.

As adults we need to own our emotions. It is not up to others to make us stop feeling sad or lonely or appreciated. It is up to US to take care of ourselves. That goes for you and your partner both.

Poppet35

I've made lots of mistakes today. She has been determined to get me to accept how all our problems go back many years and are pretty much down to me. And I have entered into the conversation. She is determined to make me accept why she has ended things and see her point of view. Nothing I say has made any difference. She keeps telling me how I never let her have her feeling and never allowed her to talk about the things she loved and how much she supported me.

Amy55 I've done so much Jade(ing) . Groan.

She just wants me to accept things her way.

I've been doing all the things you guys told me not to - it's incredibly hard to not enter into conversation with her, she just wont' allow it.

Arghhhhh

Poppet35

HoldonLoosely - I've started working on myself - I'd made a start and had started to make progress which is why all this is so maddening. I'd taken everything we'd talked about on aboard I had started to work on the things I needed to work on to help us. But it was too little too late, I told her I wasn't feeling great when the boys got home, I took a nice long visit to my parents and when I got back I was so positive and ready to make everything work. Things seemed ok until Sunday and then whilst I'm busy making changes and being supportive and being (what I thought) was a good partner she's decided it's over.
This is why it's all the more hard to accept even though I know we've been here before.

Poppet35

Yes I saw this last night and I saw this today and it's why I get so confused and twisted up and mad.

Nothing I say helps. I say "you're not listening" and she says "yes I have heard everything" but it never makes any difference

She simply wants me to accept her point of view and she won't stop until I do.

CentralOhioDad

Turn around and walk the other way and stop talking, she doesn't have to 'allow' anything - she's not lord and master over you - or at least she shouldn't be.

Ariesagain

Fine. Tell her she's right about everything and therefore the relationship is broken, now how do you go your separate ways in the easiest way possible.

Gotta tell you, I don't know how she'll ever find anyone else to put up with her for five minutes.

Run.