she's withdrawing from me again
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
That science and math mind can be the death of you sometimes. I found with myself I always looked for and needed a logical solution. If there is a problem, there should be a solution. Right?? It took me a really long time to figure out that sometimes there are no solutions. That didn't make any sense to me, but I had to accept that sense was sometimes non-sense, and I couldn't live that way anymore.
I spent years trying to make sense out of "non-sense". It overtook my entire being. I just had to solve that problem, and I kept blaming myself, because I couldn't.
The non-sense changed day to day. I couldn't keep up with it anymore. My mind went into over-drive.
Sometimes, we need to tell ourselves to stop our own "non-sense", to look at ourselves and to question what we need for our own happiness. You know, I tried to make sense out of "non-sense" for so long, I wasn't thinking of myself anymore, I was just trying to fix problems, and that only made things worse for me. I turned into someone I didn't even like. I realized that after I finally allowed myself sometime to actually think about myself.
Don't allow your mind to get caught up in the one-track that I was playing in my own head. Even if you came up with a solution to a problem, there were more waiting for you...... If another person sets you up to fail all the time, then you are going to fail.
Sometimes, when I talk about my marriage, I feel I'm not making sense, but I think you understand that. It's like your head is spinning around like you are in the move "The Exorcist".
My advice ---- Start to really think about yourself.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
I spent years trying to make sense out of "non-sense". It overtook my entire being. I just had to solve that problem, and I kept blaming myself, because I couldn't.
The non-sense changed day to day. I couldn't keep up with it anymore. My mind went into over-drive.
Sometimes, we need to tell ourselves to stop our own "non-sense", to look at ourselves and to question what we need for our own happiness. You know, I tried to make sense out of "non-sense" for so long, I wasn't thinking of myself anymore, I was just trying to fix problems, and that only made things worse for me. I turned into someone I didn't even like. I realized that after I finally allowed myself sometime to actually think about myself.
Don't allow your mind to get caught up in the one-track that I was playing in my own head. Even if you came up with a solution to a problem, there were more waiting for you...... If another person sets you up to fail all the time, then you are going to fail.
Sometimes, when I talk about my marriage, I feel I'm not making sense, but I think you understand that. It's like your head is spinning around like you are in the move "The Exorcist".
My advice ---- Start to really think about yourself.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Poppet-- I moved 1,000 miles away with my husband to "make him happy", and we bought a big house there. A year later he was in an affair, drinking more, started using drugs, and wouldn't come home. I felt so very trapped.
It didn't even occur to me that I could move back home. It's funny how we don't see all the options that could be available. I suggest that you consider what your ideal situation would be--where you'd live, etc., given your finances. Then think about the actual barriers to making it happen. Often times they can be overcome, while some are just false barriers in our heads.
For me, something I thought could never happen became my reality. I got to move home with my boys. Because I realized it's what they and I needed to survive, and it was worth losing everything to fight for it.
And...the shame I'd been putting on myself never materialized from my supportive friends and family. You might be surprised how few "I told you so's" you get--and how much overwhelming support flows in when you're honest with them.
But you have to DO something. Only you can take control of your future.
For me, I felt like I was drowning in failure and trapped...if you're a spiritual person, I suggest asking HP to show you your path. The minute I stopped asking "how do I fix this" and said, "I give up, please show me what you want me to do"...the path opened up for me. Very quickly.
And I had to set fear aside and be willing to lose a lot if necessary to make it happen. Because MY LIFE was worth it. And because many people start over with nothing at all stages of life.
There's a beautiful future for you when you decide to free yourself. It's hard work getting there, but I promise you it's worth it.
YOU'RE worth it.
It didn't even occur to me that I could move back home. It's funny how we don't see all the options that could be available. I suggest that you consider what your ideal situation would be--where you'd live, etc., given your finances. Then think about the actual barriers to making it happen. Often times they can be overcome, while some are just false barriers in our heads.
For me, something I thought could never happen became my reality. I got to move home with my boys. Because I realized it's what they and I needed to survive, and it was worth losing everything to fight for it.
And...the shame I'd been putting on myself never materialized from my supportive friends and family. You might be surprised how few "I told you so's" you get--and how much overwhelming support flows in when you're honest with them.
But you have to DO something. Only you can take control of your future.
For me, I felt like I was drowning in failure and trapped...if you're a spiritual person, I suggest asking HP to show you your path. The minute I stopped asking "how do I fix this" and said, "I give up, please show me what you want me to do"...the path opened up for me. Very quickly.
And I had to set fear aside and be willing to lose a lot if necessary to make it happen. Because MY LIFE was worth it. And because many people start over with nothing at all stages of life.
There's a beautiful future for you when you decide to free yourself. It's hard work getting there, but I promise you it's worth it.
YOU'RE worth it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Poppet, oh my dear Poppet!! Be easy on yourself!!! Cut yourself some slack, give yourself a break - take a breath!!! Goodness, I hear the pain and desperation in your words, and it saddens me.
It's not your fault - except maybe trying WAY too hard to create something out of nothing. I know I've said this to you before - I just don't think she cares much, if at all, about you and the kids. And that's not easy to read, I understand that, but I don't think it has sunk in yet. What positive contributions is she making to the household as a whole, other than a financial contribution?
And what impetus does she have TO make a contribution - she has you to do absolutely EVERYTHING, and she gets a nice place to stay, and drink, and be nasty, and make everyone bow to her and her needs.
You are totally, 100% miserable - and have been for a while. And, no matter how how high you jump, how low you bow to her, or anything else - she will NEVER EVER be happy. Period. You are not doing yourself, or your children, any good by sticking it out.
Sorry to be so blunt, but I had to chime in.
COD
It's not your fault - except maybe trying WAY too hard to create something out of nothing. I know I've said this to you before - I just don't think she cares much, if at all, about you and the kids. And that's not easy to read, I understand that, but I don't think it has sunk in yet. What positive contributions is she making to the household as a whole, other than a financial contribution?
And what impetus does she have TO make a contribution - she has you to do absolutely EVERYTHING, and she gets a nice place to stay, and drink, and be nasty, and make everyone bow to her and her needs.
You are totally, 100% miserable - and have been for a while. And, no matter how how high you jump, how low you bow to her, or anything else - she will NEVER EVER be happy. Period. You are not doing yourself, or your children, any good by sticking it out.
Sorry to be so blunt, but I had to chime in.
COD
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
Well last night was unpleasant. I tried asking that we wait to talk when she's sober but she kept repeating she wants to now what happening now so I gave in. Things didnt go terribly well, I got wound up and cross, she said thjngs that aren't true and I retaliated.
She wants me out the house but i can't go anywhere til I have money and a place to go. She kept on and on.
Sat in my living room this am looking at the woodburner we just had fitted that I'll never get to use but I have also been looking at properties locally.
I feel bad for some of the things I said last night but not all, she has her view of me and I of her. We almost ended up going over old wondering that have never healed but I stopped it, possibly a bit nastily but I don't see the point anymore.
Need to get my arse organised, sort my finances, find a new mortgage and get out.
Right off on the school run...
She wants me out the house but i can't go anywhere til I have money and a place to go. She kept on and on.
Sat in my living room this am looking at the woodburner we just had fitted that I'll never get to use but I have also been looking at properties locally.
I feel bad for some of the things I said last night but not all, she has her view of me and I of her. We almost ended up going over old wondering that have never healed but I stopped it, possibly a bit nastily but I don't see the point anymore.
Need to get my arse organised, sort my finances, find a new mortgage and get out.
Right off on the school run...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
She's pushing me for answers and being awful. I don;t what's going to happen now, I don't have the answers. And my quietness is making her worse. Mum says I should stand my ground and not leave but I don't know,
She goes away in 2 days I just have to deal with her for 2 days.
This is worse than putting up with the regular stuff - because I'm not giving her answers and because I'm telling her how I feel she's gettind so mad, rude and obnoxious.
She goes away in 2 days I just have to deal with her for 2 days.
This is worse than putting up with the regular stuff - because I'm not giving her answers and because I'm telling her how I feel she's gettind so mad, rude and obnoxious.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
I'm speaking to my mortgage advisor and need to speak to a solicitor. Currently there is no way I can buy her out unless I can magic 100grand out of thin air. She said she would buy me out but I don't know where she would get the money from or whether the mortgage company would take a self employed person on.
I think I need a solicitors advice on what my rights are to stay in the house and having to pay her equity out - or when this would be. If I could force her to wait until my youngest is 16 - very very long shot and very unlikely despite what I earlier asserted.
She's making this so awful, saying "let's do it in a grown up way" and then flouncing round because I'm not talking to her. Am i the one in the wrong? Is it wrong to want to take a little time and sort things out properly for my own and my children's benefit?
I think I need a solicitors advice on what my rights are to stay in the house and having to pay her equity out - or when this would be. If I could force her to wait until my youngest is 16 - very very long shot and very unlikely despite what I earlier asserted.
She's making this so awful, saying "let's do it in a grown up way" and then flouncing round because I'm not talking to her. Am i the one in the wrong? Is it wrong to want to take a little time and sort things out properly for my own and my children's benefit?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Take the time you need, but use that time to move forward - not stay stuck like you have been. She's pushing, manipulating, throwing curve balls trying to keep you off-balance and confused - and it's working, and she seems to derive enjoyment out of pulling the strings and watching you jump.
If it were me, I would detach as much as possible, and start living our life for you and then kids -in other words, live like she's not there. This will cause King Baby to throw more fits, but you'll feel stronger and more empowered- and you really need that right now.
Blessings to you,
COD
If it were me, I would detach as much as possible, and start living our life for you and then kids -in other words, live like she's not there. This will cause King Baby to throw more fits, but you'll feel stronger and more empowered- and you really need that right now.
Blessings to you,
COD
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
No advice. But I've noticed yesterday and today that there's been a change in tone with your posts. A certain resoluteness and determination. It's like you've just declared"I am the captain of my soul!"
It's pretty cool.
It's pretty cool.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yes, go see the solicitor and the mortgage people and see if they have an expedient solution. The bottom line, though, is your well-being and that of your kids.
Here's how I look at real estate. I bought a $219k townhouse in 2006. It developed serious foundation problems, and between that and overall drop in valuation where I live, the house was recently appraised at $62k. That's right--less than a third of the purchase price. And I still owe $150 in mortgages, with repairs costing well over $50k. So I couldn't walk away or sell it if I wanted to.
The thing is, if I hadn't been paying the mortgage all this time, I would have been paying rent--which would have amounted to about the same as the mortgage payment. I still had a roof over my head and a place to live. Eventually, I'll get something back, though not nearly what I've put into it.
In your case, you would have been paying rent (or a mortgage--possibly on a place that didn't go up in value) all this time anyway. By luck, the property has increased in value. But if you get back what you paid into the place--forget about lost "profit" for the moment--you would probably have enough to start over--a down payment on a more modest house; relocation expenses if you decided to move somewhere less expensive.
It's easy to say, "stick to your guns, make her pay you what it's worth." But what does that GET you? Months/years of misery while you both sit there refusing to budge? How would that be for your kids?
It might well be that you can petition the court to "partition" the property--which means a forced sale and a split of the proceeds. Something to discuss with the solicitor. But that may take months and months to accomplish, and you're stuck in the meantime.
Personally, I'd offer to let her buy me out for MY contributions--so I have enough money to start over, as quickly as possible, and get myself and my kids settled in a nice new peaceful home.
THAT, for me, would be priceless.
Here's how I look at real estate. I bought a $219k townhouse in 2006. It developed serious foundation problems, and between that and overall drop in valuation where I live, the house was recently appraised at $62k. That's right--less than a third of the purchase price. And I still owe $150 in mortgages, with repairs costing well over $50k. So I couldn't walk away or sell it if I wanted to.
The thing is, if I hadn't been paying the mortgage all this time, I would have been paying rent--which would have amounted to about the same as the mortgage payment. I still had a roof over my head and a place to live. Eventually, I'll get something back, though not nearly what I've put into it.
In your case, you would have been paying rent (or a mortgage--possibly on a place that didn't go up in value) all this time anyway. By luck, the property has increased in value. But if you get back what you paid into the place--forget about lost "profit" for the moment--you would probably have enough to start over--a down payment on a more modest house; relocation expenses if you decided to move somewhere less expensive.
It's easy to say, "stick to your guns, make her pay you what it's worth." But what does that GET you? Months/years of misery while you both sit there refusing to budge? How would that be for your kids?
It might well be that you can petition the court to "partition" the property--which means a forced sale and a split of the proceeds. Something to discuss with the solicitor. But that may take months and months to accomplish, and you're stuck in the meantime.
Personally, I'd offer to let her buy me out for MY contributions--so I have enough money to start over, as quickly as possible, and get myself and my kids settled in a nice new peaceful home.
THAT, for me, would be priceless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
Thank you all for your support. I was feeling much stronger first thing but have started to be worn down. For some reason she now wants to talk about getting me to understand why things have happened, to see things from her point of view.
I sat and listened and i've tried to understand but every time I try and get it straight in my head and say so "this is why it's over" she says no I've not listened or heard and why can't I put myself in her shoes. I never seem to understand which is why I've never been actually able to make things better. I told her that my ups and downs in consistency and focus is just me, always has been and always will be - I've tried to change but i simply haven't been able to change that about myself (wrongly or rightly)
I get so wound up and cross because it's all about me. I still don't understand why she withdrew and said it's over - I'd been pulling my socks up and doing all the things she'd mentioned, being loving, I bought her a bunch of her fave flowers as an early anniversary present so she could enjoy them before she went away to work. I was working on my self too, we'd had a nice (nothing exciting) weekend and then "boom". She cant stand to be with us. And I'm completely confused.
I'm at a point where I no longer want to try and understand, I don't want to see it from her point of view (again rightly or wrongly) - all this jibber jabber isn't going to help, it only serves in me feeling like rubish and winding myself up and being horrible. The more wound up I get the more confused I get and then I start getting defensive and angry.
She can't see why I can't understand and I can't understand why I can't understand.
I sat and listened and i've tried to understand but every time I try and get it straight in my head and say so "this is why it's over" she says no I've not listened or heard and why can't I put myself in her shoes. I never seem to understand which is why I've never been actually able to make things better. I told her that my ups and downs in consistency and focus is just me, always has been and always will be - I've tried to change but i simply haven't been able to change that about myself (wrongly or rightly)
I get so wound up and cross because it's all about me. I still don't understand why she withdrew and said it's over - I'd been pulling my socks up and doing all the things she'd mentioned, being loving, I bought her a bunch of her fave flowers as an early anniversary present so she could enjoy them before she went away to work. I was working on my self too, we'd had a nice (nothing exciting) weekend and then "boom". She cant stand to be with us. And I'm completely confused.
I'm at a point where I no longer want to try and understand, I don't want to see it from her point of view (again rightly or wrongly) - all this jibber jabber isn't going to help, it only serves in me feeling like rubish and winding myself up and being horrible. The more wound up I get the more confused I get and then I start getting defensive and angry.
She can't see why I can't understand and I can't understand why I can't understand.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Poppet, she is winding you up so she does not have to take any responsibility for herself or her own happiness. Please stop letting her.
There is no magical "understanding" for you to strive for that will appease her, or transform your relationship. As long as she has you believing that there IS, you will remain hooked into this relationship and committed to tying yourself into knots trying to "save" it. SHE is responsible for her happiness. YOU are responsible for yours. Depending on anyone else to change so that you can be happy is a fruitless exercise that you both seem utterly engaged in. You can either accept each other as-is or go your separate ways.
In the meantime, your children are learning what a relationship looks like.
There is no magical "understanding" for you to strive for that will appease her, or transform your relationship. As long as she has you believing that there IS, you will remain hooked into this relationship and committed to tying yourself into knots trying to "save" it. SHE is responsible for her happiness. YOU are responsible for yours. Depending on anyone else to change so that you can be happy is a fruitless exercise that you both seem utterly engaged in. You can either accept each other as-is or go your separate ways.
In the meantime, your children are learning what a relationship looks like.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by Poppet35 
I sat and listened and i've tried to understand but every time I try and get it straight in my head and say so "this is why it's over" she says no I've not listened or heard and why can't I put myself in her shoes. I never seem to understand which is why I've never been actually able to make things better. I told her that my ups and downs in consistency and focus is just me, always has been and always will be - I've tried to change but i simply haven't been able to change that about myself (wrongly or rightly)
I get so wound up and cross because it's all about me. I still don't understand why she withdrew and said it's over - I'd been pulling my socks up and doing all the things she'd mentioned, being loving, I bought her a bunch of her fave flowers as an early anniversary present so she could enjoy them before she went away to work. I was working on my self too, we'd had a nice (nothing exciting) weekend and then "boom". She cant stand to be with us. And I'm completely confused.
I get so wound up and cross because it's all about me. I still don't understand why she withdrew and said it's over - I'd been pulling my socks up and doing all the things she'd mentioned, being loving, I bought her a bunch of her fave flowers as an early anniversary present so she could enjoy them before she went away to work. I was working on my self too, we'd had a nice (nothing exciting) weekend and then "boom". She cant stand to be with us. And I'm completely confused.
You will always be confused, it will never make sense - and you are driving yourself nuts along the way. My AW also does the yo-yo thing with me too: I love you come here; I can't stand you go away. I'm done with those games.
Her 'point of view' is that she wants to drink, she wants you and the kiddos to cater her her every whim - and that's not going to change. She has no intention of changing for the better, only you can do that for yourself and for the kids.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Poppet35
I'm at a point where I no longer want to try and understand, I don't want to see it from her point of view (again rightly or wrongly) - all this jibber jabber isn't going to help, it only serves in me feeling like rubish and winding myself up and being horrible.
If she continues to argue or try to "discuss" it, just say, "I've said all I'm saying on the subject. I won't be badgered about it any longer."
And then leave the room. Leave the house, if you have to. If she calls, the second she starts in on "what went wrong," say, "I told you I'm not discussing it any more. Goodbye." And then hang up.
It takes two to have an argument. Let her argue with herself if she wants to. You can be DONE.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Poppet, she is winding you up so she does not have to take any responsibility for herself or her own happiness. Please stop letting her.
There is no magical "understanding" for you to strive for that will appease her, or transform your relationship. As long as she has you believing that there IS, you will remain hooked into this relationship and committed to tying yourself into knots trying to "save" it. SHE is responsible for her happiness. YOU are responsible for yours. Depending on anyone else to change so that you can be happy is a fruitless exercise that you both seem utterly engaged in. You can either accept each other as-is or go your separate ways.
In the meantime, your children are learning what a relationship looks like.
There is no magical "understanding" for you to strive for that will appease her, or transform your relationship. As long as she has you believing that there IS, you will remain hooked into this relationship and committed to tying yourself into knots trying to "save" it. SHE is responsible for her happiness. YOU are responsible for yours. Depending on anyone else to change so that you can be happy is a fruitless exercise that you both seem utterly engaged in. You can either accept each other as-is or go your separate ways.
In the meantime, your children are learning what a relationship looks like.
I told her "this is me" I've tried to change and I haven't succeeded. I have always accepted her as she is. Always.
She says she doesn't want me to go away thinking lots of horrible things about her that are all wrong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
Originally Posted by LexieCat
OK, you're halfway there. The SECOND half is not needing for her to be OK with your version. You can agree to disagree. You can't make HER accept your viewpoint, but at the same time, YOU can accept the fact that she won't accept it. Drop the rope. You can say something like, "I think we both believe what we believe about what went wrong, or what the problem was. I don't think either one of us can truly see the other's point of view. I'm OK with you seeing it your way, and I hope you're OK with my seeing it my way. If you're not, there's nothing I can do about that. More explaining won't help either one of us. Let's just get things settled so we can both go on with our lives."
If she continues to argue or try to "discuss" it, just say, "I've said all I'm saying on the subject. I won't be badgered about it any longer."
And then leave the room. Leave the house, if you have to. If she calls, the second she starts in on "what went wrong," say, "I told you I'm not discussing it any more. Goodbye." And then hang up.
It takes two to have an argument. Let her argue with herself if she wants to. You can be DONE.
If she continues to argue or try to "discuss" it, just say, "I've said all I'm saying on the subject. I won't be badgered about it any longer."
And then leave the room. Leave the house, if you have to. If she calls, the second she starts in on "what went wrong," say, "I told you I'm not discussing it any more. Goodbye." And then hang up.
It takes two to have an argument. Let her argue with herself if she wants to. You can be DONE.
If I try and not discuss things she gets really shirty, tells me I don't care, about her, about the relationship. She stomps about and harrumphs and I get drawn in. I have tried on many occasion to not enter into the argument and I have never succeeded in getting to the point where she gives up. She wants me to say "Yes I can see it your way" but I won't because I can't.
I have a busy evening with the kids today so that will keep things at bay for a bit - til they're in bed. I just need to not get drawn in, to watch the box, to do my sewing, just not get drawn in and that is so easier said than done - I'm like a moth to a flame!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
Again, she's keeping you off-balance, and that's where she has the control and power - and you, dear friend, are feeding right into it! My AW does the same things: "I want XYZ" meaning: "I want you to play my game and do those things that you THINK are going to make me happy, but I will change the end game as soon as you get to the line."
You will always be confused, it will never make sense - and you are driving yourself nuts along the way. My AW also does the yo-yo thing with me too: I love you come here; I can't stand you go away. I'm done with those games.
Her 'point of view' is that she wants to drink, she wants you and the kiddos to cater her her every whim - and that's not going to change. She has no intention of changing for the better, only you can do that for yourself and for the kids.
You will always be confused, it will never make sense - and you are driving yourself nuts along the way. My AW also does the yo-yo thing with me too: I love you come here; I can't stand you go away. I'm done with those games.
Her 'point of view' is that she wants to drink, she wants you and the kiddos to cater her her every whim - and that's not going to change. She has no intention of changing for the better, only you can do that for yourself and for the kids.
You're so right - I try and do the things I think will make her happy and they don't work and then I get confused at why she blows up and everything is wrong and why can't I understand and why does she have to do everything for the relationship...
She said she can only change when I've sorted myself out and she no longer has to chivvy and "carry me" and the kids.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
