Poppet35

Thank you Ladyscribbler. Some of the things she says make me feel so bad and I get so confused as to what I am doing wrong or why I am not getting the point. Or maybe things are just so far gone they are irretrievable.

The light and free part - I get that, I feel it every time she works away from home.

She can be loving but lately it's been like living with a room mate and not a very friendly one at that.

Ariesagain

Her behavior has nothing to do with you.

As long as you stay stuck believing otherwise, you'll keep being that sad chicken.

Poppet35

Over the last week or so I have been sat thinking how little affection is coming my way. How I try like an unloved puppy to cuddle up and be friendly and loving and don't receive even a pat on the head.

I don't know why I put up with it - fear? Wanting the old love, waiting for it to come back.

I know the kids see this strange relationship and I don't want this for them. I'm so weak - I repeat things in my head I want to say and I just can't say them or they come our wrong or I get so cross.

I am trying to figure out my part in this, how I have contributed to this. I know it's not all my fault (as someone previously said I'm not that powerful) but I've done some things wrong - the co-dependency. I get so confused and can't seem to see or understand the point or can't understand why the changes i'm making aren't addressing the problem.

Above all, I want to be happy. I've felt trapped this year but I have made a concerted effort to make new friends, I'm going to try out rowing next weekend and I plan to try out some hockey because I have finally found my desire to be more active.

It's so hard feeling like you're the one that has screwed eveerything up and if you had just done things differently then things might be good, great even.

I don't want to lose anymore time with my boys.
My head veers towards all the things the boys and I could do together - small and big.

dandylion

poppet....people go to therapy to gain an understanding of them selves (among other things,of course).
The possible answers that you might uncover could fill a whole page of possibilities....like, maybe, you could have an avoidant type personality....
Supprt groups that focus on your own self development are also a way to reconnect with yourself....(like analon ).....

If you read the thousands of other real life stories, here, on the forum....you will see how common it is to lose yourself in a relationship.....it is common.....

LexieCat

Everything she is telling you is nothing more than blame-shifting. Let her have her version of what happened. She has the right to look at it in whatever twisted way she wants to.

How about using this peaceful time she's given you (while she's passed out) to start planning your move?

Poppet35

You're right I have my view, she has her view. I don't have to listen to her telling me how I caused this - if it's over then we need to move on - nothing good will come from rehashing things.

I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying in the house. She wants out, she can leave and the law will be on my side at least until the mortgage agreement runs out. I just need to sort out my finances and keep my head above water. I did it before I can do it again. I also have savings I can plunder if I need to (i hope not to).

LexieCat

What kind of "mortgage agreement" are you talking about?

I know you live in the UK, so the law there is different. Can you explain?

Poppet35

The mortgage agreed with the bank lasts at a certain interest rate for another 4 years. It's in joint names but providing I am capable of paying the mortgage (which I am) I should be able to stay in the house and not be forced to sell because I have kids. This will only come up as an issue if she tries to force me to sell or make me pay her half of equity. (least that is what I found out through citizens advice)

LexieCat

OK, so what happens when the mortgage rate changes? Can you refinance? If she's been paying her share of the mortgage, it seems to me she's going to have a rightful claim to a portion of the equity in the house. I wouldn't count on her just quietly walking away from her investment.

If I were you, I think I'd consult a solicitor for some more personal advice about this somewhat complicated situation. In all fairness, she needs to get her share of what she's put into the house.

Maybe you could pay out her share over time, with a written, enforceable agreement (e.g., if you don't pay her, the house gets sold and she gets her proceeds that way). I don't know what your financial situation is (you said you had some savings), but it might not be realistic for you and the kids to stay in the house that she's been helping to pay for.

Poppet35

Unfortunately for me the value of the house we've been in only for 1 year has increased by a lot - we are unfortunately in a very expensive area on the south coast.

My savings wouldn't cover barely anything of her equity. My sons will leave home theoretically in 7 and 9 years time - not sure she will wait that long to get her money.

I could pay her very little each month to pay her back.

If I sell I can't possibly afford to rent in the area. There is the chance (having had a look) that I may be able to buy (mad that - can't afford rent but could buy) if a mortgage company would take me on.

That's why this is all so frightening - I moved down here to be with her, this is where she grew up, but it is shockingly expensive - I left my house, sold my house to be with her and save the relationship - she effectively said she would leave me if we didn't move (stupid huh?) and now 1 year on I'm in a potentially terrible financial situation.

Ariesagain

So maybe you sell and each take half, as it's gone up in value?

Poppet35

Only if I can be sure I can afford somewhere else. Yuck, my parents asked me if I was sure moving was the right thing...

LexieCat

Well, I think she would really be nuts to wait 7-9 years to get her share of the equity. Just being honest, here.

You may not wind up living exactly where you'd like to be, but even a very modest home with you and your kids is preferable to the chaos and depressing atmosphere of the house you're sharing with her.

How about if you propose letting her buy you out? You could present it as a way for her to get all the profit--you get back only what you paid in. That might not be totally "fair" given the increase in value, but it would give you back some money you could put toward a down payment or rent in a less-expensive location.

At this point, getting to a stable location away from her would seem to be the priority.

Poppet35

Doubts are sneaking in. Is it all my fault? Is it because I don't keep up with everything I should or say I will do? Do I push her to behave this way the way she says i do? Why do such tiny things break the relationship? Why dont I get anything right?
Why is it always something I have or haven't done?
I don't want her to carry me or fix me. I don't expect her to. Why when I try to fix things and make things better do i not succeed?

Why do i find it so hard to understand and get so confused all the time.
Why do I have to do all the changing so that she can then fix herself.

Sorry

dandylion

Poppet.....have you ever wondered if you might have adult ADHD? I am just asking...but, I have no idea of what kinds of things she/you are actually talking about.....
Firesprite has a current thread about the same.....You might want to read it.....
You can certainly PM us if you would like to discuss it.....

Poppet35

I didn't have any of these problems until this relationship.
I think I understand what she's getting at and I try and reply and then make changes but I don't succeed in fixing things. I thought I'd been making a difference over the last few weeks but now she's frustrated with me because she says all her kind pointing out of things have been for nothing yet i have implemented everything with the kids, got myself feeling better, yet it's too late.
I'm not making sense am I?

amy55

Poppet,

I remember when I was married, I could never get things right. It seemed that what was "right", changed everyday. If I did housework, then I did it too much. If I cut back on that, then I was a lazy slob. If I ironed, I only did this to take time away from him, even though he was at work when I did this. I was told not to iron his clothes anymore. So, I stopped. That week he had a meeting and wore an unironed shirt to work, and came home to tell me about all the comments his co-workers made to him, about how I was.

I know that my mind is scientific and math based. If there is a problem, then there must be a solution. There must be something that I can do to make things better. (now that I think about it.... lol, it doesn't work like that).

Just know that you are making sense to me.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy

Poppet35

Having said that, I do have trouble keeping all the balls in the air that I need to but could that be because I find myself in a stressful situation and put pressure on myself to remember everything I need to remember.
I used to be very organised and I know I can be organised but with everything that's going on I drop balls left right and centre

Poppet35

Thank you Amy. I'm a science and math brain too and get told I see everything in black and white.
I write things down that she's said that I need to do or remember because that's what I do. If I write stuff down I can make sure things get done.

ladyscribbler

I remember when I was married, I could never get things right. It seemed that what was "right", changed everyday.

This was my experience as well. I felt like I was going crazy and couldn't do anything right because the goal posts kept moving, which sounds like what you are experiencing as well. That is nothing to do with your ability to be a good partner.

I waited until I was well away from the chaos to begin working a recovery in the Al Anon program, and I did make amends to my ex, but almost none of them were for the things he used to complain about. My amends were for staying so long and enabling his toxic, destructive behavior, for caving in and giving him rides when he was drunk, bringing home liquor and all the other things I used to do to try to avoid fights and abuse.

We actually talked about this in our step meeting yesterday- Just because someone is angry with me doesn't mean I owe them amends, especially if they are angry with me for enforcing a boundary, refusing to enable them or for not accepting unacceptable behavior. We also talked about making amends to ourselves, cutting ourselves slack for doing the best we could with the resources we had at the time.