Dealing with his toxic family
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 121
Dealing with his toxic family
He's 2 weeks sober.
Still very proud of him... but holy moly... my life is being turned upside down and not in a fun way.
We've re-entered the territory of discussing where issues began in our relationship. He's looking for closure to move forward. Talking/arguing about this stuff- is frustrating, but a little helpful to both of us.
Lately there's been a huge focus on his toxic family and their place in our lives.
Over the past 2 years these people have dragged me through the mud (with me not always knowing), and doing the same to him.
They're the definition of white trash. I've driven them to live in a shelter, helped them with so many ridiculous problems (that to me are easily avoidable/repairable), helped them find a place to live, done grocery runs, taken them to appointments... no matter what they're always broke, broken, and breaking.
A few weeks ago I was running our drill over to lend them and his mom ended up yelling at me, telling me not to come and hanging up on me while I sat on the side of the road in rush hour traffic blocks away from their apartment - a 1/2 hour drive, with my teething 9 month old in the back seat. I texted her and said "I'm done, I'm bowing out, do not ask me for anything again."
I have mentally and physically tapped out of that crazy nonsense.
So she calls my AH and starts dumping it on him.
He's in recovery... and she knows that. You're going to bug him with your crazy drama?
He basically told her he doesn't have time to deal with her childish nonsense.
Now- she sent him money on Friday without saying anything. He didn't know she did it because he hasn't checked his email. Yesterday she started texting him saying "I sent you $100 to go get me cigarettes, and I need $80 of it back because your sister needs a prescription filled so tomorrow you need to drive it over to me because my debit card doesn't work and I need it in cash."
Without him even speaking to her, or her asking she's involved him in doing multiple favors for her.
It obviously angered us both- and he kinda lost it and started an argument with me as if I was her doing this to him. I had to calm him down and rationalize that "I'm not doing this to you... I'm not your emotional punching bag, deal with her- I tapped out already."
He's out right now. He's gone to bring her the cash and says he's going to tell her if she does it again without asking and him okay'ing it- he's keeping it and accepting it as a gift. To leave us out of their crazy problems. We've thrown all the help at them that we can, and we're tapping out. If you come visit, check your baggage and garbage outside our front door. We're done.
I hope he says this... and when he does- she'll be done with us (him) too. When she looks at people, they are labeled. My label once said -chauffeur, grocery runner, cigarette getter, $$$, sympathetic to my sob stories, gullible to my lies.
My label is now [enter derogatory name].
I hope his becomes the same so she'll leave us alone.
I hope this is over. It is for me at the very least.
Hopefully he makes peace with the fact that they'll be nothing more than toxic leaches and follows my lead on working on our/my/his recovery.
I can't believe people like this exist. It's mind-boggling. My parents aren't perfect, but every moment I spend with his family makes me more grateful for mine.
Good riddance crazy people!
I choose sanity!!!
Still very proud of him... but holy moly... my life is being turned upside down and not in a fun way.
We've re-entered the territory of discussing where issues began in our relationship. He's looking for closure to move forward. Talking/arguing about this stuff- is frustrating, but a little helpful to both of us.
Lately there's been a huge focus on his toxic family and their place in our lives.
Over the past 2 years these people have dragged me through the mud (with me not always knowing), and doing the same to him.
They're the definition of white trash. I've driven them to live in a shelter, helped them with so many ridiculous problems (that to me are easily avoidable/repairable), helped them find a place to live, done grocery runs, taken them to appointments... no matter what they're always broke, broken, and breaking.
A few weeks ago I was running our drill over to lend them and his mom ended up yelling at me, telling me not to come and hanging up on me while I sat on the side of the road in rush hour traffic blocks away from their apartment - a 1/2 hour drive, with my teething 9 month old in the back seat. I texted her and said "I'm done, I'm bowing out, do not ask me for anything again."
I have mentally and physically tapped out of that crazy nonsense.
So she calls my AH and starts dumping it on him.
He's in recovery... and she knows that. You're going to bug him with your crazy drama?
He basically told her he doesn't have time to deal with her childish nonsense.
Now- she sent him money on Friday without saying anything. He didn't know she did it because he hasn't checked his email. Yesterday she started texting him saying "I sent you $100 to go get me cigarettes, and I need $80 of it back because your sister needs a prescription filled so tomorrow you need to drive it over to me because my debit card doesn't work and I need it in cash."
Without him even speaking to her, or her asking she's involved him in doing multiple favors for her.
It obviously angered us both- and he kinda lost it and started an argument with me as if I was her doing this to him. I had to calm him down and rationalize that "I'm not doing this to you... I'm not your emotional punching bag, deal with her- I tapped out already."
He's out right now. He's gone to bring her the cash and says he's going to tell her if she does it again without asking and him okay'ing it- he's keeping it and accepting it as a gift. To leave us out of their crazy problems. We've thrown all the help at them that we can, and we're tapping out. If you come visit, check your baggage and garbage outside our front door. We're done.
I hope he says this... and when he does- she'll be done with us (him) too. When she looks at people, they are labeled. My label once said -chauffeur, grocery runner, cigarette getter, $$$, sympathetic to my sob stories, gullible to my lies.
My label is now [enter derogatory name].
I hope his becomes the same so she'll leave us alone.
I hope this is over. It is for me at the very least.
Hopefully he makes peace with the fact that they'll be nothing more than toxic leaches and follows my lead on working on our/my/his recovery.
I can't believe people like this exist. It's mind-boggling. My parents aren't perfect, but every moment I spend with his family makes me more grateful for mine.
Good riddance crazy people!
I choose sanity!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds pretty unpleasant.
Just remember what IS and what is NOT within your power to control (or right to ATTEMPT to control). You can control your engagement with his family. You can encourage him in his OWN efforts to create his own boundaries, but be careful of dictating to him how he has to deal with it.
I'd be very surprised if these leeches go quietly.
It's very, very hard to sit on your hands when someone you love is being abused by someone else, but it's essential, I think, to not try to run interference for him, to not tell him how he has to deal with it, and not to get angry when he gives in and engages with them in a way you don't think is wise. Part of his learning to live sober is learning to navigate stuff like toxic family members. If he were in AA, a sponsor or other sober guy could give him advice. You can't--not without jeopardizing your own sanity and serenity. You're too close to it, and anything you try to say or do is likely to backfire with you getting blamed for the fallout.
Just remember what IS and what is NOT within your power to control (or right to ATTEMPT to control). You can control your engagement with his family. You can encourage him in his OWN efforts to create his own boundaries, but be careful of dictating to him how he has to deal with it.
I'd be very surprised if these leeches go quietly.
It's very, very hard to sit on your hands when someone you love is being abused by someone else, but it's essential, I think, to not try to run interference for him, to not tell him how he has to deal with it, and not to get angry when he gives in and engages with them in a way you don't think is wise. Part of his learning to live sober is learning to navigate stuff like toxic family members. If he were in AA, a sponsor or other sober guy could give him advice. You can't--not without jeopardizing your own sanity and serenity. You're too close to it, and anything you try to say or do is likely to backfire with you getting blamed for the fallout.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 121
Thanks Lexi.
Normally I'd tell him to transfer the money back, not deliver the cash and tell them where to go.
I'm letting him deal with it his way and just hoping he's stern enough that they'll back off.
If they don't, he'll have to figure out his next step.
I've definitely suggested AA. The next step is up to him.
Normally I'd tell him to transfer the money back, not deliver the cash and tell them where to go.
I'm letting him deal with it his way and just hoping he's stern enough that they'll back off.
If they don't, he'll have to figure out his next step.
I've definitely suggested AA. The next step is up to him.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You know, by doing exactly as she asked all he did was reward her behavior. He could have told her he would mail back the check or tear it up, her choice. She can find some other way to get her cigarettes.
With people like that, the only way to win is to refuse to play.
With people like that, the only way to win is to refuse to play.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 121
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
You know, by doing exactly as she asked all he did was reward her behavior. He could have told her he would mail back the check or tear it up, her choice. She can find some other way to get her cigarettes.
With people like that, the only way to win is to refuse to play.
With people like that, the only way to win is to refuse to play.
It was an online email transfer, I just would have ignored it and not accepted it.
Unfortunately it's all his choice. I tapped out.
My recovery isn't going to be interrupted by that crazzzzzzy family anymore.
I can't wait till I can just laugh it off without feeling angry- even when I'm not involved.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: TX
Posts: 103
I can't tell you how I feel ya in this post. We have given my AH FOO ,10K since Jan. They are all adults but yet cannot seem to live life. I have offered to be the bitch and deal with it but my hubby won't let me. Our latest agreement has been around an allowance. We both get the same amount if he wants to give it to the leeches so be it but there will be none after that. Not my problem. What drives me crazy is that his immediate family (me and the kids), love him and want nothing from him other than sobriety and honesty; and the leeches get his best while they suck him dry.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 121
Originally Posted by viola71
We both get the same amount if he wants to give it to the leeches so be it but there will be none after that. Not my problem. What drives me crazy is that his immediate family (me and the kids), love him and want nothing from him other than sobriety and honesty; and the leeches get his best while they suck him dry.
His mother is a parasite. When my AH was 21 he bought himself a fixer upper. It was his intention to flip it. He left the nest to move into this house. His mother was angry and resented him for leaving them. He paid most of the bills while they blew their social assistance. He intended to build his credit further by paying his mortgage, and take out a line of credit for major repairs. She took out a $10k loan in his name (without him knowing) and didn't pay it. Suddenly he had collection agencies on him and legal threats. He confronted her, and she said "well you shouldn't have bought a house that needed to be fixed when you can't afford it." To her he should have bought a nice house that they all could live in. He never could get a loan, did what he could with his deteriorating house, and sold it for less than he paid for it. She killed his goal out of spite. She's done plenty more since then too.
That woman is heartless. Why he still talks to her... I'll never understand.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 121
True. Thanks Lexie.
Very illegal. She has three children and has destroyed all their credit.
None of them have reported it.
I'd probably have a difficult time calling the police on my parents.
I just know my ID and my daughter's ID gets hidden when she's around.
Very illegal. She has three children and has destroyed all their credit.
None of them have reported it.
I'd probably have a difficult time calling the police on my parents.
I just know my ID and my daughter's ID gets hidden when she's around.
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