What's it like to be in a healthy relationship?
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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What's it like to be in a healthy relationship?
I'm not really thinking about a new relationship right now. I need to do a lot of work on myself first. That being said, is there anyone out there who's moved on to a healthy relationship after dating/being married to an alcoholic? I would love to hear what you notice when comparing the two.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
You are wise to realize that a new relationship is NOT the best choice right now. FindingAmy has a good post here that you might like to read:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
I don't know if you've looked into the "stickied" threads at the top of the page yet, but I highly recommend it. These are threads that were deemed to be so useful that they are "stickied" so they stay visible and available at all times instead of gradually falling back into the back pages of the forum like normal threads do. There is a lot of concentrated wisdom there.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
I don't know if you've looked into the "stickied" threads at the top of the page yet, but I highly recommend it. These are threads that were deemed to be so useful that they are "stickied" so they stay visible and available at all times instead of gradually falling back into the back pages of the forum like normal threads do. There is a lot of concentrated wisdom there.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: PA
Posts: 13
A healthy relationship is like a healthy body. . . . . and many of us have no clue.
But life lived right is about healthy habits, and like healthy living, it feels good. Again, got no clue how that feels.
There are so many things I can tell you about what makes life hurt, because, well, I do know how that feels.
First things first: "What do you want?" This question should be asked everyday. Life ultimately is about answering this question and trust me, if living right, it never ends. Happiness is getting what you want on a deeper level, things like home, family, friends, community, etc. They don't have to have specific names or faces, but the soul wants them and if it isn't getting them . . . . . unhappiness.
However, in warning, the idea of ownership is painful. If we think we own our family, community, friends, etc, we will have expectations and thus, pre-meditated resentment.
But, there elements to the concept of "partner" that does lend to righteous expectation. Like if your partner isn't a partner and you are trying to be, its unhealthy. You are going to over compensate. But this is more of an emotional concept. Like, if your partner is disabled, its OK to over compensate, as long the disability is understood by both of you. But if one of is in denial, then its going to be painful and unhealthy.
Many relationships have misunderstanding about who it expected from each partner. A healthy relationship would be able to talk about it. But. . . . many of us have issue, even the ones that seem OK. I wanted a movie a few days ago and there was a line that cracked me up, "I've had sex with some of this people, but I wouldn't shake their hand."
Seemly well wrapped people are just that, well wrapped. But many have just as many issues. Working through discomfort, facing fears, admitting wrong doing, etc, is pretty hard work. But in the end, it feels good. Some of the healthier people are the ones that openly admit their issues.
And one other bit of wisdom, before you can have a healthy relationship with another person, you have to have healthy relationship with yourself. And right there, is worth ever effort and will open the gates to other healthy relationships.
But life lived right is about healthy habits, and like healthy living, it feels good. Again, got no clue how that feels.
There are so many things I can tell you about what makes life hurt, because, well, I do know how that feels.
First things first: "What do you want?" This question should be asked everyday. Life ultimately is about answering this question and trust me, if living right, it never ends. Happiness is getting what you want on a deeper level, things like home, family, friends, community, etc. They don't have to have specific names or faces, but the soul wants them and if it isn't getting them . . . . . unhappiness.
However, in warning, the idea of ownership is painful. If we think we own our family, community, friends, etc, we will have expectations and thus, pre-meditated resentment.
But, there elements to the concept of "partner" that does lend to righteous expectation. Like if your partner isn't a partner and you are trying to be, its unhealthy. You are going to over compensate. But this is more of an emotional concept. Like, if your partner is disabled, its OK to over compensate, as long the disability is understood by both of you. But if one of is in denial, then its going to be painful and unhealthy.
Many relationships have misunderstanding about who it expected from each partner. A healthy relationship would be able to talk about it. But. . . . many of us have issue, even the ones that seem OK. I wanted a movie a few days ago and there was a line that cracked me up, "I've had sex with some of this people, but I wouldn't shake their hand."
Seemly well wrapped people are just that, well wrapped. But many have just as many issues. Working through discomfort, facing fears, admitting wrong doing, etc, is pretty hard work. But in the end, it feels good. Some of the healthier people are the ones that openly admit their issues.
And one other bit of wisdom, before you can have a healthy relationship with another person, you have to have healthy relationship with yourself. And right there, is worth ever effort and will open the gates to other healthy relationships.
Human
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Earth
Posts: 183
Just a side note, that whenever the next relationship may develop, remember that you are still learning and adjusting as you go. We all grow as we go along, even without the added torments of baggage/addictions. It is vital to remember that just because the new relationship is /better/ than the previous, does not necessarily mean it is healthy or "good".
That being said, happy relationships are work, but you should be happy - even in frustrating times - to be doing the work.
I can't really add anything else without sounding redundant, as posts previous were quite well written
That being said, happy relationships are work, but you should be happy - even in frustrating times - to be doing the work.
I can't really add anything else without sounding redundant, as posts previous were quite well written
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 163
Its really nice to be able to trust someone again. No more lying, no booze, no drama, and no stress.
My advice is to find someone that is a non drinker. If they drink you run the risk of being with another drunk.
My advice is to find someone that is a non drinker. If they drink you run the risk of being with another drunk.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I was never involved with a drug or alcohol user, but I had a 3 year relationship with a man who was seeing someone in addition to me, without either of us knowing about the other. Talk about lies and erratic behavior! In retrospect, it was almost comical the lengths he went to to keep his secret, though not at all funny at the time. I wasted 3 years of my life on this jerk! I can tell you that it took a long time for me to trust again. But I did, and all is well. It helps that I met a really good man to whom I am now married. Hang in there, g.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by gbriezy 
... I would love to hear what you notice when comparing the two....
We would go out to eat, discover that the restaurant didn't open for another two hours. No worries, off we go to some other place. No blaming, no ranting, no being angry for hours.
We would agree to meet somewhere and she would actually arrive on time. Well, maybe a little late, sometimes a little early, but close enough. Oh, and she would arrive on the _day_ we agreed on, not two days later.
People liked her. People she had known for years. Not just people of the opposite sex she just recently met.
There were no personal crisis. There were all the usual problems of life, but none of them were a crisis. Things like running out of clean underwear during the work week did not turn into a huge storm of ranting, blaming, and trying to get me to call her boss with some lame excuse. Of course, the main reason my healthy g/f did not run out of underwear is because she did her own laundry. Imagine that.
Being with her was a total _haven_. Just sitting around, being lazy, reading a book next to her was _peaceful_. It felt comfortable, like two bunnies in a nest, not a bunny and a snake.
Originally Posted by Hayfmr
.... to find someone that is a non drinker...
My XAW was a non-drinker. If we were at some social event she would have a couple of sips of wine just to be sociable, but she did not like feeling drunk. Her entire family is "normal", no addictions or dysfunctions or anything like that.
What happened is that my attempts at controlling my future did not work. My XAW became very ill, to the point that she almost died. She was in huge pain and really did need pain pills. Then the docs were able to get her on a different "recipe" of chemo and she went into complete remission.
Except that she _liked_ the pain pills. And the new boyfriends, and the parties, etc.
I am powerless over the future. I cannot control what a future relationship is going to look like based on requirements I set today. The only thing I can control is my ability to recognize problems when they _start_ ( what al-anon calls "Awareness), keep myself emotionally healthy so I can make plans, ask for help ( "Acceptance"), and then _do something_ about it ("Action").
Mike
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
Yes. In fact I had my one and only "one night stand" lol. I did it because it was wonderful to have control over my life again and to have boundaries. As for long term relationships they are beautiful because both people are honest with each other, respect alone time and separate activities while in each other's company. First though, you need to take time for you to get yourself in that place where you feel safe. If not, you end up cheating the other partner's feelings since you aren't the person you will become, you are still in co-dependent mode. Thats no fun for the new partner.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 67
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
We would go out to eat, discover that the restaurant didn't open for another two hours. No worries, off we go to some other place. No blaming, no ranting, no being angry for hours.
All that aside...I'm back at my apartment right now after staying at my parents house for the past four days (after our official breakup). He's not here, but I'm worried about how this will all play out. (Note: For those who haven't read my other thread, he's on board with us breaking up, but won't be out of the apartment until Oct. 1). It's weird to be here and feel like nothing's changed -- when in reality, everything is different. We aren't even speaking.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Being in a relationship with a "normie" has made me realize how little I was settling for in my relationship with an alcoholic, and in a lot of my past relationships. Of course I was the common denominator there, and it took me a lot of time actively working my own recovery so I didn't seek out another dysfunctional partner to recreate those past dynamics.
You can go to a wedding reception with an open bar and not be the designated driver by default because your partner has one drink at the toast and drinks soda the rest of the night because he has to work the next day because he has a job and doesn't think a raging hangover is a valid reason to miss work.
Like Mike said, a change of plans or unexpected development does not automatically lead to a Defcon 5 meltdown.
You're not the only "adult" in the relationship. Your partner is totally functional and able to care for themselves (and their children/pets/other responsibilities).
What you see is what you get. You don't have to worry about sudden mood swings and rages coming out of nowhere.
No drama, unless you go see a terrible movie together, which you can laugh about afterward.
No scorekeeping.
Compromise means just that, not you always giving up what you want in order to avoid a blowup or appease the other person.
Your partner cares about your preferences.
Discussions about problems are undertaken with the purpose of seeking mutually satisfactory solutions, not assigning blame or causing a fight that serves as a distraction from whatever your partner doesn't want to deal with.
No eggshells on the floor.
When your partner says, "I'm going to do X," it means that X happens in a timely fashion, not on some insane, passive-aggressive timeline.
You partner supports your growth and efforts self-improvement rather than viewing them as threatening.
Those are the ones I can think of off the top of my head. I've been seeing a gentleman for about 6 months and am still discovering what a healthy relationship looks like. We spent the weekend together, cheering for his daughter at her chuckwagon race, going to a cheesy carnival, teaching my son to ride a bike, playing fetch with his dogs, helping with farm chores and toasting marshmallows and hot dogs. There was no craziness, no fighting, no drama.
A weekend like that with my ex would have contained at least one raging fight, a rant about money, a freakout over food or laundry and resulted in me cleaning up at least two explosions of random bodily fluids (and not from a kid or animal).
I wouldn't have had that if I hadn't given myself the time and space to work my recovery before starting another relationship.
You can go to a wedding reception with an open bar and not be the designated driver by default because your partner has one drink at the toast and drinks soda the rest of the night because he has to work the next day because he has a job and doesn't think a raging hangover is a valid reason to miss work.
Like Mike said, a change of plans or unexpected development does not automatically lead to a Defcon 5 meltdown.
You're not the only "adult" in the relationship. Your partner is totally functional and able to care for themselves (and their children/pets/other responsibilities).
What you see is what you get. You don't have to worry about sudden mood swings and rages coming out of nowhere.
No drama, unless you go see a terrible movie together, which you can laugh about afterward.
No scorekeeping.
Compromise means just that, not you always giving up what you want in order to avoid a blowup or appease the other person.
Your partner cares about your preferences.
Discussions about problems are undertaken with the purpose of seeking mutually satisfactory solutions, not assigning blame or causing a fight that serves as a distraction from whatever your partner doesn't want to deal with.
No eggshells on the floor.
When your partner says, "I'm going to do X," it means that X happens in a timely fashion, not on some insane, passive-aggressive timeline.
You partner supports your growth and efforts self-improvement rather than viewing them as threatening.
Those are the ones I can think of off the top of my head. I've been seeing a gentleman for about 6 months and am still discovering what a healthy relationship looks like. We spent the weekend together, cheering for his daughter at her chuckwagon race, going to a cheesy carnival, teaching my son to ride a bike, playing fetch with his dogs, helping with farm chores and toasting marshmallows and hot dogs. There was no craziness, no fighting, no drama.
A weekend like that with my ex would have contained at least one raging fight, a rant about money, a freakout over food or laundry and resulted in me cleaning up at least two explosions of random bodily fluids (and not from a kid or animal).
I wouldn't have had that if I hadn't given myself the time and space to work my recovery before starting another relationship.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 67
Thank you again to everyone that's shared their stories and advice with me. If I hadn't found this forum a few days ago, I probably would have spent the entirety of my weekend in tears. It's so powerful to hear that others have had similar experiences, especially after years of keeping so many secrets from my friends and family. I looked into it, and there's a regular Monday Al Anon meeting just a few blocks from me. I'm going to try to attend next week. I need support from others to get through this all in a rational way. When left to my own devices, all I can do is think about the good times and how stressful it will be to take care of everything alone.
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