This is depressing me :(
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Florida USA
Posts: 40
This is depressing me :(
I'm still pretty tight with one of my old boyfriend's and he contacted me to hang out with him. He works and goes to college full time. I'll say this bluntly: I'm worried about him and apart of me wants to walk away and another part of can't. I'm starting to put up a wall though a little bit though. Won't even tell my family about this. I don't think it's any of their business to be honest.
I hung out with him a lot before I moved and I even visited him quite a bit too. He would always invite me over to his house and I would stay in the quest bedroom. He seemed very happy to have me in his life again. Though something didn't quite appear right to me. Especially when his father told him that he need to ease down on his "drinking"
This kinda made me look up and I knew something wasn't right than. One night he even said, "I don't know why I keep drinking.... I want to quit.... I need to quit...." I knew if he started to yell or anything, not to argue with an alcoholic, I knew this from past experience because one of my roommates was an alcoholic. When he said this though, I just gave him a hug and told him to quit and than I headed to bed.
His addiction has grew and last time I saw him he said, "You better not tell me to stop drinking...." When he said this he said it very sternly.
His voice sounded harsh and I've noticed he's been even becoming angry too. One night he even kept the garage door open when I was there and his sister even mentioned the next morning, "You know at 2 AM, do you mind closing the garage door?" That night as I was sleeping at his house, I heard him screaming and carrying on in the garage with his best friend as he was drinking whiskey. As his sister said this, he played it off like it was nothing, though I know it was nothing. I've always known this from past experience, "Addicts love to hang out with other addicts who abuse the same drugs as they do." "Misery loves company." I'm a pretty logical person. I analyze situations. One thing I suck at though: I can't walk away. Especially when I care about someone or when I love someone.
I even remember cleaning a shot glass one morning and I didn't say anything to him about it. He's very sweet towards me and sometimes when he drinks, he says very nasty hurtful things to me that makes me cry. When I came back into his room I saw how he was crying at his computer chair and I didn't even want to look at him, I just saw dried up tears running down his face. I've also noticed how he was texting on his phone to his friend who he also drinks with. All I did was just get my clothes and go to bed because I was leaving the next day.
The next day came and then he finds out he has to go into work.
Before that he was on vacation and invited me there to stay with him.
I thought I would have a good time with him. Though the whole time I felt completely ignored by him half the time and I cried because I felt hurt and confused by all his actions. It's like I get there, everything is great the first few days and then the more he drinks he turns nasty and horrible.
I feel stupid for staying, I truly do. Though apart of me went because I couldn't stay away and because I'm still inlove with him.
He told me that he still loves me and misses me, though he can't be in a relationship any longer. He said this to me when I was there and as he said this I was heartbroken. Pretty much said he's given up on relationships all together and he'll never be in a relationship ever again as long as he lives.
I'm so confused by what he says sometimes. He doesn't make any sense at all. It's like this yo-yo effect that he does. He loves me and then he pushes me away. Once when we he drunk he kept venting about his ex girlfriend cheating on him and how angry he was at her for hurting him. Than I put two and two together and realized why he said what he said. After he's done he'll go to sleep and the next morning he's distant and quiet towards me and I won't even mention anything he said to me.
Sometimes he'll even say this, "I like being alone. I don't like being around a lot people." Thinking back I remember how I used to isolate myself from a lot of people when I used to be an addict and tried to push people away as much as possible.
Once I get back home, he'll do it all over again: I miss you. I love you. I just want to hug you. I think we can work all our past out together. He even mentioned us being together at one time. Than he'll go right back to being distant and saying, "I don't want to be in a relationship. I've given up on relationships." At first I didn't realize it because I thought I just needed to be patient, though now I'm getting fed up with it. This happens over and over again, it's like a pattern and one night he claimed that I do "patterns" when in reality he's the one doing the patterns and he doesn't even realize it.
I told him how he gets distant and quiet once I'm there and tried to pin it on his disorder, though I know it's all a lie because he was never like this before ever. I knew who he was like before. Before I left he said he sorry for fighting and sort of apologized for what he said but not really. He gave me a hug and gave me a kiss, told me that I could come back again and not to worry. As I drove away he waved goodbye and I drove back home without saying a word. Finally I got home and told him I got home safety and he responded.
Since my mother told him that I don't need another surgery since I had Kidney Stones back in June I haven't heard from him since. Just the other night I woke up at 4 AM and cried on my porch because I haven't heard from him and because I'm deeply hurt by everything he did. I'm also got angry too and I'm angry at myself for being naive for allowing him to pull this yo-yo effect on me. Than I go back to missing him because this hurts so much. I truly want to let him go, I really do....I just don't think I have it in me.... I'm so mad at myself.....
I hung out with him a lot before I moved and I even visited him quite a bit too. He would always invite me over to his house and I would stay in the quest bedroom. He seemed very happy to have me in his life again. Though something didn't quite appear right to me. Especially when his father told him that he need to ease down on his "drinking"
This kinda made me look up and I knew something wasn't right than. One night he even said, "I don't know why I keep drinking.... I want to quit.... I need to quit...." I knew if he started to yell or anything, not to argue with an alcoholic, I knew this from past experience because one of my roommates was an alcoholic. When he said this though, I just gave him a hug and told him to quit and than I headed to bed.
His addiction has grew and last time I saw him he said, "You better not tell me to stop drinking...." When he said this he said it very sternly.
His voice sounded harsh and I've noticed he's been even becoming angry too. One night he even kept the garage door open when I was there and his sister even mentioned the next morning, "You know at 2 AM, do you mind closing the garage door?" That night as I was sleeping at his house, I heard him screaming and carrying on in the garage with his best friend as he was drinking whiskey. As his sister said this, he played it off like it was nothing, though I know it was nothing. I've always known this from past experience, "Addicts love to hang out with other addicts who abuse the same drugs as they do." "Misery loves company." I'm a pretty logical person. I analyze situations. One thing I suck at though: I can't walk away. Especially when I care about someone or when I love someone.
I even remember cleaning a shot glass one morning and I didn't say anything to him about it. He's very sweet towards me and sometimes when he drinks, he says very nasty hurtful things to me that makes me cry. When I came back into his room I saw how he was crying at his computer chair and I didn't even want to look at him, I just saw dried up tears running down his face. I've also noticed how he was texting on his phone to his friend who he also drinks with. All I did was just get my clothes and go to bed because I was leaving the next day.
The next day came and then he finds out he has to go into work.
Before that he was on vacation and invited me there to stay with him.
I thought I would have a good time with him. Though the whole time I felt completely ignored by him half the time and I cried because I felt hurt and confused by all his actions. It's like I get there, everything is great the first few days and then the more he drinks he turns nasty and horrible.
I feel stupid for staying, I truly do. Though apart of me went because I couldn't stay away and because I'm still inlove with him.
He told me that he still loves me and misses me, though he can't be in a relationship any longer. He said this to me when I was there and as he said this I was heartbroken. Pretty much said he's given up on relationships all together and he'll never be in a relationship ever again as long as he lives.
I'm so confused by what he says sometimes. He doesn't make any sense at all. It's like this yo-yo effect that he does. He loves me and then he pushes me away. Once when we he drunk he kept venting about his ex girlfriend cheating on him and how angry he was at her for hurting him. Than I put two and two together and realized why he said what he said. After he's done he'll go to sleep and the next morning he's distant and quiet towards me and I won't even mention anything he said to me.
Sometimes he'll even say this, "I like being alone. I don't like being around a lot people." Thinking back I remember how I used to isolate myself from a lot of people when I used to be an addict and tried to push people away as much as possible.
Once I get back home, he'll do it all over again: I miss you. I love you. I just want to hug you. I think we can work all our past out together. He even mentioned us being together at one time. Than he'll go right back to being distant and saying, "I don't want to be in a relationship. I've given up on relationships." At first I didn't realize it because I thought I just needed to be patient, though now I'm getting fed up with it. This happens over and over again, it's like a pattern and one night he claimed that I do "patterns" when in reality he's the one doing the patterns and he doesn't even realize it.
I told him how he gets distant and quiet once I'm there and tried to pin it on his disorder, though I know it's all a lie because he was never like this before ever. I knew who he was like before. Before I left he said he sorry for fighting and sort of apologized for what he said but not really. He gave me a hug and gave me a kiss, told me that I could come back again and not to worry. As I drove away he waved goodbye and I drove back home without saying a word. Finally I got home and told him I got home safety and he responded.
Since my mother told him that I don't need another surgery since I had Kidney Stones back in June I haven't heard from him since. Just the other night I woke up at 4 AM and cried on my porch because I haven't heard from him and because I'm deeply hurt by everything he did. I'm also got angry too and I'm angry at myself for being naive for allowing him to pull this yo-yo effect on me. Than I go back to missing him because this hurts so much. I truly want to let him go, I really do....I just don't think I have it in me.... I'm so mad at myself.....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 53
I understand what you're going through because I'm dealing with something similar. From your description he may be dealing with something other than alcoholism. Sounds like there may be another underlining issue such as mental illness. He sounds like my ex and he suffers from bipolar disorder. It's a day to day struggle so hang in there. I know it's very hard but try not to take things to personally because he's not well. It's not an excuse but it is a factor. The last time I talked to my ex he said something extremely cruel to me, something I never would have imagined that he would and I cried for days so I know where you're coming from.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
These confusing signals are common in alcoholic relationships. Say one thing, and do another.
For the partner, its quite horrible. The head is always spinning. You are asked to come, then ignored. You are told he loves you, then told he doesn't want a relationship ever.
This circus in no fun at all. You are giving more weight to what he says, than to what he does. It should be the opposite. If you gave more weight you what he does, than what he says, you would see it for what it is.
He is an alcoholic whose first love is alcohol. You can't compete, you can only be standing on the sidelines while he continues the affair with his real love. Why he called you , or wanted you to spend time with him is because alcoholics love us codependent enablers. They want to have it all. Their intent is to keep #1 alcohol AND everything else too. They will try a myriad of ways to do so. You will probably hear from him again, even though it has been a couple of months. If he is still drinking, it will be the same experience.
Trust, if you had no issues with him being a drunk this would not be a problem. He has clearly stated he is not quitting, and demonstrated that in his actions - so believe it.
Have you tried going to Al Anon? Would probably be very helpful to you.
For the partner, its quite horrible. The head is always spinning. You are asked to come, then ignored. You are told he loves you, then told he doesn't want a relationship ever.
This circus in no fun at all. You are giving more weight to what he says, than to what he does. It should be the opposite. If you gave more weight you what he does, than what he says, you would see it for what it is.
He is an alcoholic whose first love is alcohol. You can't compete, you can only be standing on the sidelines while he continues the affair with his real love. Why he called you , or wanted you to spend time with him is because alcoholics love us codependent enablers. They want to have it all. Their intent is to keep #1 alcohol AND everything else too. They will try a myriad of ways to do so. You will probably hear from him again, even though it has been a couple of months. If he is still drinking, it will be the same experience.
Trust, if you had no issues with him being a drunk this would not be a problem. He has clearly stated he is not quitting, and demonstrated that in his actions - so believe it.
Have you tried going to Al Anon? Would probably be very helpful to you.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Have you read Codependent No More? I found this book indispensable to my recovery. It hurts to pull away, but you seem well aware you need to let this man go forward with his chosen partner - alcohol.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 67
I'm 28 and currently coming out of a heart wrenching breakup with someone I met about seven years ago while I was still in college. During those initial months of our dating/hooking up, he displayed a lot of erratic behavior while drinking, but I gave him tons of leeway because I thought he was some kind of tortured artist type. I wish I would have had more self-respect to realize that the hurtful things he said to me or the dangerous situations he put me into were not okay. After years of this relationship, I now feel a lot older than 28.
From personal experience, my recommendation is that you get out before you get too attached. Maybe he'll get it together in a couple of years; he's still young. But don't waste your time with him right now. Be single and focus on taking care of and improving yourself -- not him.
From personal experience, my recommendation is that you get out before you get too attached. Maybe he'll get it together in a couple of years; he's still young. But don't waste your time with him right now. Be single and focus on taking care of and improving yourself -- not him.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Florida USA
Posts: 40
He seems the same way: very depressed and broken. I'm very caring and compassionate. He even said this to me in the car and I remember it because I have a good memory now. I'm glad that drugs didn't ruin that for me. I'll go more into detail and yes I can see the pattern completely. I know that alcohol always comes first for him: always.
I go to therapy because I've went through things in my life and when I came out and was signing papers and made the next appointment, he rested his hand on mine and gave me this sweet smile and asked, "Are you okay? Is everything okay?" As I got to the door he made sure nothing happened to me. Even as his old girlfriend I found him being protective of me and it made me smile because deep down I'm still inlove with him and he's completely aware of this because I say, "I love you." and then he started saying it back. I've even started saying, "baby" and "sweetie" to him also. He even came to my appointment to pick me up and wrote me a text, "I can't wait to see you! I miss you so much!! I just want to hug you and kiss you!
" When he was hanging out with his old friend he said, "Her parents still work in town. I don't know why they even moved." As I looked up at him he looked very sad as he said this.
The minute he drinks I get this pit in my stomach and I know instantly he's not the same anymore. We both wanted to work out our past and he keeps coming towards me and then pushing me away. Anytime I ask him why he tells me he's been working a lot and going to college a lot, though he tells me over the phone that he misses me and always asks me how I'm doing.
He was there for me when I got Kidney Stones and he got very sad when I told him I had precancer on my cervix. It put me into a deep dark depression. I told him all about my trouble about pills and how I used to drink alcohol on top of that. Than I got deeper and told him how I abused Heroin and he looked very sad as I finally admitted this to him. This was all before I knew he abused alcohol. He contacted me over Facebook and told me how much he missed me and that he wanted to see me. Since than he hasn't lost contact with me. I even apologized to him about our relationship and told him that I broke up with him because I was abusing drugs and didn't want to face him. As I broke down and cried, I told him at one point I couldn't even remember his name and he said, "Gee, thanks..." I told him how sorry I was and I hope that he can forgive me and he hugged me. "It's okay. Please forgive yourself. I don't want to see you upset, I hate seeing you cry." That day a duck died on his property and I lost my last boyfriend to a Crystal Meth Overdose and the minute I saw the dead duck I cried and again he hugged me. "It's okay, he's just sleeping."
This was all before things got worse and now things are getting worse. I hate what he's becoming.....I really do..... It depresses me so much. I love him so much and I want him back. I even told my last boyfriend that I still missed him and I was so happy when I saw him again. I had no idea he was abusing alcohol.
Though I won't blame myself for this. I have nothing to do with this. Apart of me knows that one day when he's drunk he'll most likely will use it against me.
I hope I didn't trigger or upset anyone, I just needed to get it all out.
Just don't understand why he keeps pulling me back in when he told me that he doesn't want a relationship. He doesn't make any sense whatsoever. I also know if his father or sister will ask him questions, of course I know he'll try to act as if I did something to cover up his addiction. When he was drunk: he sent out a lot of text messages out complaining. Who knows what he said. It's none of my business either, I don't go through people's phones. I just know he looked pissed off when he sending text messages out when he was drunk. As you all said, I'm sure I'll hear from him again and you're all most likely right.
I go to therapy because I've went through things in my life and when I came out and was signing papers and made the next appointment, he rested his hand on mine and gave me this sweet smile and asked, "Are you okay? Is everything okay?" As I got to the door he made sure nothing happened to me. Even as his old girlfriend I found him being protective of me and it made me smile because deep down I'm still inlove with him and he's completely aware of this because I say, "I love you." and then he started saying it back. I've even started saying, "baby" and "sweetie" to him also. He even came to my appointment to pick me up and wrote me a text, "I can't wait to see you! I miss you so much!! I just want to hug you and kiss you!
" When he was hanging out with his old friend he said, "Her parents still work in town. I don't know why they even moved." As I looked up at him he looked very sad as he said this. The minute he drinks I get this pit in my stomach and I know instantly he's not the same anymore. We both wanted to work out our past and he keeps coming towards me and then pushing me away. Anytime I ask him why he tells me he's been working a lot and going to college a lot, though he tells me over the phone that he misses me and always asks me how I'm doing.
He was there for me when I got Kidney Stones and he got very sad when I told him I had precancer on my cervix. It put me into a deep dark depression. I told him all about my trouble about pills and how I used to drink alcohol on top of that. Than I got deeper and told him how I abused Heroin and he looked very sad as I finally admitted this to him. This was all before I knew he abused alcohol. He contacted me over Facebook and told me how much he missed me and that he wanted to see me. Since than he hasn't lost contact with me. I even apologized to him about our relationship and told him that I broke up with him because I was abusing drugs and didn't want to face him. As I broke down and cried, I told him at one point I couldn't even remember his name and he said, "Gee, thanks..." I told him how sorry I was and I hope that he can forgive me and he hugged me. "It's okay. Please forgive yourself. I don't want to see you upset, I hate seeing you cry." That day a duck died on his property and I lost my last boyfriend to a Crystal Meth Overdose and the minute I saw the dead duck I cried and again he hugged me. "It's okay, he's just sleeping."
This was all before things got worse and now things are getting worse. I hate what he's becoming.....I really do..... It depresses me so much. I love him so much and I want him back. I even told my last boyfriend that I still missed him and I was so happy when I saw him again. I had no idea he was abusing alcohol.
Though I won't blame myself for this. I have nothing to do with this. Apart of me knows that one day when he's drunk he'll most likely will use it against me.
I hope I didn't trigger or upset anyone, I just needed to get it all out.
Just don't understand why he keeps pulling me back in when he told me that he doesn't want a relationship. He doesn't make any sense whatsoever. I also know if his father or sister will ask him questions, of course I know he'll try to act as if I did something to cover up his addiction. When he was drunk: he sent out a lot of text messages out complaining. Who knows what he said. It's none of my business either, I don't go through people's phones. I just know he looked pissed off when he sending text messages out when he was drunk. As you all said, I'm sure I'll hear from him again and you're all most likely right.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
AA calls alcoholism "cunning, baffling, powerful"- the proposition is that its not something you can analyze and understand, but you can observe characteristic patterns. One interesting thing I have discovered in Alanon are some of MY characteristic behaviors.. .and I only started getting clued into them when I began to put less work into observing my wife's. Alanon proposes we can "become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it", which is a polite way of describing how overwrought, obnoxious and pissed off I ended up. But with the 12 steps and my friends in Alanon, I can start to understand myself and make choices in a more conscious fashion. I thought I was plenty conscious before recovery, funny how much I was mistaking habitual behavior for awareness.
I like whats said occasionally on these forums, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them". It might be worth considering how much more of his behavior you're willing to accept.
I like whats said occasionally on these forums, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them". It might be worth considering how much more of his behavior you're willing to accept.
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
What I said while preparing to leave my ex was the truth. When he threw that "I love you line" at me I replied "I love you too and always will. You''ll always be special to me. Its your behaviors I cannot tolerate any longer. " This makes it clear I was nearing the end game. I still use it in fact when he contacts me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Florida USA
Posts: 40
Why does he keep coming back to me? I seriously don't get it at all. Especially if alcohol is his number one choice. He does this time and time again. Anytime he misses me, he always comes crawling back to me and says the same stuff.
This is exactly what goes down:
"Hey! How are you? I missed you!! How have you been? I can't wait to see you again."
Before I left his house the last time he even told me:
"Don't worry, you'll come back and see me again. I'll miss you."
Than he'll disappear and tell me he likes to be alone which I think is all a lie. I think it's all because of the alcohol because he's ashamed. Ever since I caught onto to everything I knew I had to share this on here.
This is exactly what goes down:
"Hey!
How are you? I missed you!! How have you been? I can't wait to see you again." Before I left his house the last time he even told me:
"Don't worry, you'll come back and see me again. I'll miss you."
Than he'll disappear and tell me he likes to be alone which I think is all a lie. I think it's all because of the alcohol because he's ashamed. Ever since I caught onto to everything I knew I had to share this on here.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Rose, this is absolutely typical alcoholic behavior. To be blunt, he's not in his right mind, so stop trying to figure it out.
Why are YOU still hanging around? By your own admission, his behavior is depressing you. How about YOU just move on, and let him find someone else to confuse?
Why are YOU still hanging around? By your own admission, his behavior is depressing you. How about YOU just move on, and let him find someone else to confuse?
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