brightlight

I have a million thoughts and a million feelings that change daily. My total story is that I have been married to him for over 12 years and we have two kids. He was married before and had two kids. He left her a ton of times and told me that she was trying to rule him and then when he left she would promise to be good and things would get better. I never thought it might be drinking and asked him that one day and he really did not answer. I wonder now if that was why she was so mad at him, but I know he did not dare go to a bar. If he drank it was home with her. When he left her he had it planned and when he did it the last time he had it planned. He left me six months after we were married and took all he could haul and went to his brother's in another state. He called and wanted to come home in a week. Then a couple of years later he did it again and left me with our daughter that was 1-1/2. He planned it and he took everything and then told me he was going to the Post Office. He took his paycheck and mine and did not even look at our daughter or say bye. He left town and left me with no car, but we were living with family. We did not have much money then. He called and wanted to come and was crying after a few days. He said he would never do that again. Things have been good and even when he drank we did not act like this, but then he quit for 7 years and I changed. Now we have two kids and he has a good job and I work at home. He drinks and I am mad and I am trying to control. I gave him a hard time last night and then this morning. I think that he decided to borrow the money from his boss and go to the bank at noon to cash it since the banks close early on Sat. He just decided to teach me something. He did not take anything from the house, so this is not planned. He went to another town and drank and I said he better get back to town or our marriage is over. I keep throwing this up and at him, but never follow through. I am going around and around in circles. It is going to be his way if we stay together and no other way. I can do nothing but get a divorce if I do not like it, so since I do not want a divorce then I will have to put up with what he wants. I am saying I will stop the yelling and I have learned my lesson of how far I can push him. I am not sure how long I can live like this. I really think if he wanted a divorce he would plan it. He would stash money. He would have a place to stay. He would get things out of the house that he wanted, plus I am getting some money from a will in a few months. Could be $30,000 or more. I think he would hang around and take my last paycheck like last time and the bank account. My brother is going to help me with this. No way is he leaving because he loves me. That is what he said. It is best for the kids and me if he does not come back. Sure, if he was going to do what was right then he would control his drinking. Thank you for listening. I think I have learned my lesson. He wins and I will try to do the woodstove and be happy thing while he does his thing. I did really go overboard with the yelling this time.

Lorelai

I keep throwing this up and at him, but never follow through.
Saying things we don't mean doesn't do anybody any good. I decided to take some time to figure out what I really meant and work on ME. Now, when I say something, I mean it.

so since I do not want a divorce then I will have to put up with what he wants.
I thought my only options were a divorce or to continue to live the way I was living - with my life out of control. There is another option. There are many people on this board that live with an alcoholic and still have a peaceful and wonderful life. It can be done. You have to make some changes in your life and in your thinking. It takes some time and some work but it can be done.
Hugs - L

JT

Bright...you are thinking so much you don't have room to hear the help we are all trying to give you. Have you heard a word?

I going to go deep down to the basics here and pull out an old moldy classic at SR. "HANDS OFF THE ADDICT"

You are as much a manipulator as you think he is. I used to be one too! I know you can do better...you CAN be a brightlight if you want to.

Hugs,
JT

brightlight

I know I am a manipulator. He just got interested in drinking and having friends at a bar and does not want to sit around at home with kids. He wants to be with us, but he wants to do what he wants. We used to have the same goals and that has changed. I have a feeling he will not come home tonight. He is going to teach me a good lesson and want to talk and work things out till he is sure I am scared and hurting and want him back. I cannot keep acting like this because it is not good for the kids or myself. I am willing to change. My mood will really be determined by when he calls or shows up. If he spends the night out of this house then I am going to be really mad and not sure when I will say he can come back. I am leaving the door unlocked and I think he will have his fun and drink till he probably passes out and then come home and if the door is unlocked he will go to bed and we will talk in the morning. If he does not come home then I am not sure how I will be tomorrow.

JT

Now Bright...THAT is a neon sign that you are codependent. Your mood depends on what HE does. That should not be...not at all. Can you see that?

I hope you can,
JT

brightlight

Yes - I see that. I mean that I know he is mad and all that, but if he spends the night out of the house then he has gone too far. SO, I guess that a person who thinks they have the right to tell another person that they have to be home at a certain time is a codependent? I understand what you are saying, but in a way this codependent thing is that we all have different values and if I think it is wrong then it does not mean it is wrong for him. I understand that I will hate him when this is done. He left me that one time and that was it for me. He does not come home before morning and then I am going to change my way of thinking. I am pulling away big time. Detachment is coming. I cannot live with this.

JT

Bright,

I am married and if my husband threatened to not come home for the night..and then didn't...you are right, there would be hell to pay. The difference between you and me is that I know what I can control and what I can't. I would not have had the conversations that led up to his threat.

That being said, you can always regroup and approach things differently. Or you can make false ultimatums. It never helps to make threats that you don't follow though on. It just gives them more power.

My own personal thought for you is to hang here, learn alot about addiction and how it affects the whole family and chill. Trying to control is hard work. You can always decide what to do when you know more. You have choices way beyond reacting to what he does. You can take your time.

Hugs,
JT

brightlight

Thank you so much for talking to me tonight JT. You have helped a lot. I see where I have been wrong and I kind of know where I will draw the line. He just called and is crying and wants to come home. He said he thought he could do this, but loves me and the kids too much. Said he has been acting like a jerk and will try to do better. Asked me not to give up on him yet. I thought he would last longer than this and the not coming home is like over the line for me. I do not want to go there. I do not have to worry about him cheating and I will NOT go there. He put us through hell today, but I see what went wrong. I cannot make his life a hell and it only hurts my kids and me. I have got to let him do this his way. When he has had enough drinking then he will stop. He had his fun today and is now ready for bed. He has not made it home yet. He has not ate all day and is going to go get a hamburger and does not want me to send the kids to bed before he sees them, so he is trying to sober up a bit. Maybe I needed this to make sure he was not going to the bars because he wants a divorce. I hope I will use what I have learned here today from you and the others. I think this place is wonderful. I am not sure what I would have done today without being able to type today here. Thank you so much!

JT

I am glad Bright...I am going to bed now. This IS a wonderful place. Don't be a stranger. I was going to PM you before I left but your PM is turned off...you might want to turn it on.

You have a nice night now,
JT

Sandy Marie

Goodnight and don't let the bedbugs bite!

Zoey

Brightlight..
The comment about him taking your pay check, bothered me.

I would rather PM you or E-ml you. but you are not set up for either.

My thoughts prob not Al-Anon support, but the $30.000.00 leaped out at me .
If he took your pay check, that to me would be a red flag. I stand up for most addicts,( loved and adored mine), but he never touched my money or barrowed.
I understand the out of controll addict, and never give up hope, but might I suggest that you talk to your banker about that money and see if you could have some kind of account that had only yourself and then "Pay on death" to your childern, so he could not get to it. It is yours if left in a will, not ours.
I wld not let any family member take or do, or even help with my money. I have seen and heard of too many things going wrong.
Then their can be HORRIBLE RESENTMENTS and can tear families apart. (Been there, and these things happen out of the blue, can't even believe it happens. not my family)
Another thing, you need complete controll of the money, not to have to wait for a signature or someone to write you a check.

I see nothing unfair in this, men are free to walk, or run, mothers can not do that.
Having that money ,(i hope you get more) will make the playing field more level,

Or if me, if could not talk to my banker I would talk to an attorney, about a safe and legel way to handle this.
These just my thoughts and suggestions. Just suggesting you think and check around on this. I also found on investments to not put "joint tenent with right of survivourship" the joint tenenent owns half on the spot, and one has to get their signature to do anything. Not fun. So I changed everything to "Pay on death", but that too should be doublechecked befor doing it. Things change.
Best to you all, and HUGS clancy46

brightlight

My brother is getting the same amount as I am and he is going to help me keep it safe. I know that I have to look out for my kids. He is home tonight and in bed. He fixed the clogged sink today and then went to the bar and did not get a call from me. I mean I am as calm as I can be. I did a lot of housework today and stacked firewood on the porch. Had a nice supper and bath, and ready for bed. He called and said he knows I worry about him, well I told him a few months ago that when I quit yelling then he had something to worry about because it would mean I did not care. I do care, but nothing like I did before. He did not care that he scared and hurt our kids yesterday. Our girl is 11 and she was mad and sad. Today she is like me waiting for every sign to see if he will leave. I told her it will be okay. He does love us and he is not going to leave. He is a mess. Thank you for the advice. My brother said if he had to then I could cash the check and give him the cash and he would buy $30,000 worth of gold and put it in a safety deposit box somewhere safe. LOL