Update/anxiety - AH says he's filing for divorce (long)
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
Update/anxiety - AH says he's filing for divorce (long)
I'm not sure how much detail to go into here because the situation is very complicated.
AH is still drinking and has no intention of stopping. He is living with the woman he had an affair with. They live in a tiny trailer. His 19-year-old daughter (my SD) now lives with them - I raised his daughter, and she has serious emotional/mental/behavioral issues for which she spent the last 3 or so years in therapeutic boarding schools, but she only progressed so far. She has an explosive temper, no impulse control, etc. Living with her was absolute hell b/c I was the target of her temper. My inlaws have legal guardianship of her, but they're dealing with a lot of challenges right now, so about a month ago they sent SD to live with AH and the OW. I am gobsmacked that anyone thought that was a good idea.
AH says that he is "building a good business" doing home improvement type work. AH has never been good with $$$, and I can't at all see him able to build a good business. He does not have a business license.
My inlaws (mainly my MIL) for a while seemed to have a good grasp of boundaries and the concept of not enabling AH, but that seems to have faded. I'm 99% sure that MIL paid for AH to get his drivers license back a couple of months ago - it had been suspended ever since his arrest last year. The drug charges were dropped, but the moving violations stood, and he never paid the fines.
Since he got out of a 60-day rehab in January, he's been seeing the kids about once a week - we usually meet up at a park, and he hangs out with the kids for about an hour. Since he got his drivers license back, there have been a couple of times that he's taken them for a few hours to go visit local relatives. Incidentally, he's a smoker, and every time the kids ride in his car they end up REEKING of cigarette smoke. It's awful, actually. He swears he doesn't smoke with them in the car, but even if he doesn't, the car itself reeks from the times he DOES smoke in there.
Last week (Weds) he texted me about wanting to take my older boys out of state for a weekend visit to relatives. My DS13 didn't want to go - it was a long drive for a short visit, and he preferred to just stay home and rest over this 3-day weekend b/c we're all pretty pooped with our new school year schedule.
Apparently AH was not happy about this, and on Thurs morning he texted me that he was starting the ball rolling on filing for divorce. My SIL (his sister - that's where he went this weekend) said that he has an appt on Tuesday with a lawyer to file.
I can only assume that my MIL is financing this for him, as I KNOW he doesn't have the $$$ for a lawyer. She is on a quest to try to bring AH back into the family fold because my FIL is showing signs of early onset dementia, and from what I hear it's pretty severe. AH and FIL have not spoken or seen each other since the sh!t hit the fan last April. Now she's afraid that FIL is going to die without reconciling with his son.
FL is a 50/50 state. AH told his sister that he wanted to go for 50/50 custody, but she basically shot that down - he's NEVER taken care of these kids. I've done 99% of the childcare for their entire lives. He's never been a present father - alcohol and drugs always came first for him. SIL is helping AH prepare for the lawyer appt, and she's supposedly trying to get him to agree to things that would work out in my kids'/my favor, like more of a 70/30 arrangement. To me, even that is too much. My older ones (13 and 7) would probably be ok (although I know they'd rather be with me full time), but I can see my 3-year-old having a hard time. AH's affair started when DS3 was less than a year old if not before, and I'm the only caregiver he's ever known.
I'm dealing with quite a bit of anxiety about this, and also anger at the enabling that my MIL is apparently doing. My inlaws are very wealthy and would have no problem financing a lawyer for AH. My parents would help me, but I hate to ask that of them (I will if I have to, though).
I just needed to get this out. AH has no intention of stopping drinking. He started drinking again very shortly after getting out of rehab in January. He's very good at making himself look good, and I can see him painting a picture of a good guy who has overcome drugs for his family, when the truth is that he threw away his family and a lucrative career, chose drugs, alcohol, and another woman instead. He abandoned us, and if it weren't for his parents' help I don't know what the kids and I would have done.
The main issue in this divorce will be the kids - we have very few assets to deal with. I intend to ask for SoberLink and drug monitoring, which I know he won't be happy about. I want primary/full custody, but my understanding is that is very difficult to get in Florida.
I don't have time for this crap, ugh! I'm taking 13 hours this semester in a difficult fast-track program. Keeping my anxiety in check is hard - I just want my kids to be ok and protected. I have a wonderful therapist to help, but I thought I'd reach out to this wonderful community as well.
AH is still drinking and has no intention of stopping. He is living with the woman he had an affair with. They live in a tiny trailer. His 19-year-old daughter (my SD) now lives with them - I raised his daughter, and she has serious emotional/mental/behavioral issues for which she spent the last 3 or so years in therapeutic boarding schools, but she only progressed so far. She has an explosive temper, no impulse control, etc. Living with her was absolute hell b/c I was the target of her temper. My inlaws have legal guardianship of her, but they're dealing with a lot of challenges right now, so about a month ago they sent SD to live with AH and the OW. I am gobsmacked that anyone thought that was a good idea.
AH says that he is "building a good business" doing home improvement type work. AH has never been good with $$$, and I can't at all see him able to build a good business. He does not have a business license.
My inlaws (mainly my MIL) for a while seemed to have a good grasp of boundaries and the concept of not enabling AH, but that seems to have faded. I'm 99% sure that MIL paid for AH to get his drivers license back a couple of months ago - it had been suspended ever since his arrest last year. The drug charges were dropped, but the moving violations stood, and he never paid the fines.
Since he got out of a 60-day rehab in January, he's been seeing the kids about once a week - we usually meet up at a park, and he hangs out with the kids for about an hour. Since he got his drivers license back, there have been a couple of times that he's taken them for a few hours to go visit local relatives. Incidentally, he's a smoker, and every time the kids ride in his car they end up REEKING of cigarette smoke. It's awful, actually. He swears he doesn't smoke with them in the car, but even if he doesn't, the car itself reeks from the times he DOES smoke in there.
Last week (Weds) he texted me about wanting to take my older boys out of state for a weekend visit to relatives. My DS13 didn't want to go - it was a long drive for a short visit, and he preferred to just stay home and rest over this 3-day weekend b/c we're all pretty pooped with our new school year schedule.
Apparently AH was not happy about this, and on Thurs morning he texted me that he was starting the ball rolling on filing for divorce. My SIL (his sister - that's where he went this weekend) said that he has an appt on Tuesday with a lawyer to file.
I can only assume that my MIL is financing this for him, as I KNOW he doesn't have the $$$ for a lawyer. She is on a quest to try to bring AH back into the family fold because my FIL is showing signs of early onset dementia, and from what I hear it's pretty severe. AH and FIL have not spoken or seen each other since the sh!t hit the fan last April. Now she's afraid that FIL is going to die without reconciling with his son.
FL is a 50/50 state. AH told his sister that he wanted to go for 50/50 custody, but she basically shot that down - he's NEVER taken care of these kids. I've done 99% of the childcare for their entire lives. He's never been a present father - alcohol and drugs always came first for him. SIL is helping AH prepare for the lawyer appt, and she's supposedly trying to get him to agree to things that would work out in my kids'/my favor, like more of a 70/30 arrangement. To me, even that is too much. My older ones (13 and 7) would probably be ok (although I know they'd rather be with me full time), but I can see my 3-year-old having a hard time. AH's affair started when DS3 was less than a year old if not before, and I'm the only caregiver he's ever known.
I'm dealing with quite a bit of anxiety about this, and also anger at the enabling that my MIL is apparently doing. My inlaws are very wealthy and would have no problem financing a lawyer for AH. My parents would help me, but I hate to ask that of them (I will if I have to, though).
I just needed to get this out. AH has no intention of stopping drinking. He started drinking again very shortly after getting out of rehab in January. He's very good at making himself look good, and I can see him painting a picture of a good guy who has overcome drugs for his family, when the truth is that he threw away his family and a lucrative career, chose drugs, alcohol, and another woman instead. He abandoned us, and if it weren't for his parents' help I don't know what the kids and I would have done.
The main issue in this divorce will be the kids - we have very few assets to deal with. I intend to ask for SoberLink and drug monitoring, which I know he won't be happy about. I want primary/full custody, but my understanding is that is very difficult to get in Florida.
I don't have time for this crap, ugh! I'm taking 13 hours this semester in a difficult fast-track program. Keeping my anxiety in check is hard - I just want my kids to be ok and protected. I have a wonderful therapist to help, but I thought I'd reach out to this wonderful community as well.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
I am going through a similar sitaution. I also live in FL and my lawyer told me it's a no brainier to go for sole custody. I have anxiety about it as well as I'm so scared to have to share custody with an unfit parent. I feel like I will be "throwing my children to the wolves" if they have to go stay with him. My thinking is this and I hope the same will go for you. My ex can't handle the kids alone and I can't see him fighting for custody. I am requesting mandatory drug testing and I can't EVER see him testing clean or even showing up for the tests for that matter. I just don't see these men standing up to the plate and co parenting. It's sad to say but I feel the only reason a lot of absent parents go for 50/50 is to pay less in child support. My advice to you and I was told this by others on here is to go for everything you feel is in the best interests of the kids and fight as hard as you can to get it.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
TropicalWinter, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. What a $#!~show.
I'm not a lawyer, but to me, you have several cards that the ex doesn't have.
1) You're sober.
2) You have a track record of being the primary provider.
3) Putting my PR hat for a sec: He's starting a business, and the last thing he wants is for somebody to google his name and see "rehab", "alcohol", and "unlicensed". (This is a volatile card, but at least you have it.)
4) You most likely have a network of people who would be willing to advocate for you because they see that you are a reliable, competent person. It is NOT because they feel sorry for you or have some agenda (like [ahem]). The fact that you got admitted to a fast track program says that, yes? If you have a good relationship with one of your professors, perhaps he/she can do a bit of advocating for you as well. Never diss the "Friend of a Friend" network.
And you've probably seen this on this board a number of times, but it bears repeating: the most expensive lawyer isn't necessarily the best.
Even if he doesn't follow through on his threat, this would be a great time to at least set up some appointments with lawyers.
Hope this helps.
I'm not a lawyer, but to me, you have several cards that the ex doesn't have.
1) You're sober.
2) You have a track record of being the primary provider.
3) Putting my PR hat for a sec: He's starting a business, and the last thing he wants is for somebody to google his name and see "rehab", "alcohol", and "unlicensed". (This is a volatile card, but at least you have it.)
4) You most likely have a network of people who would be willing to advocate for you because they see that you are a reliable, competent person. It is NOT because they feel sorry for you or have some agenda (like [ahem]). The fact that you got admitted to a fast track program says that, yes? If you have a good relationship with one of your professors, perhaps he/she can do a bit of advocating for you as well. Never diss the "Friend of a Friend" network.
And you've probably seen this on this board a number of times, but it bears repeating: the most expensive lawyer isn't necessarily the best.
Even if he doesn't follow through on his threat, this would be a great time to at least set up some appointments with lawyers.
Hope this helps.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 193
The courts are different state to state, so the best thing you can do is make a few appointments for an initial consult. That will be a good source of information and also help you to determine who you might hire.
Beyond that, I would tell you that the courts tend to favor inertia. The longer you can go with the kids staying solely with you, the less likely they are to put in place an alternate parenting plan. It's one of the only reasons I can think of where it could make dragging out a divorce worthwhile.
A good attorney can help you pull together a good short and long term strategy. And please consider that spending money now might help you to avoid pain, stress and more investment in the future. I was hesitant years ago to tow a tough line, hoping to keep things amicable. It didn't work and probably never would have, dealing with an alcoholic. Wish I would have been more aggressive earlier on.
Beyond that, I would tell you that the courts tend to favor inertia. The longer you can go with the kids staying solely with you, the less likely they are to put in place an alternate parenting plan. It's one of the only reasons I can think of where it could make dragging out a divorce worthwhile.
A good attorney can help you pull together a good short and long term strategy. And please consider that spending money now might help you to avoid pain, stress and more investment in the future. I was hesitant years ago to tow a tough line, hoping to keep things amicable. It didn't work and probably never would have, dealing with an alcoholic. Wish I would have been more aggressive earlier on.
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