Having a hard time... not sure why
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Having a hard time... not sure why
I have not had a weekend like this one where I have been teary, frustrated, and struggling to shrug off or detach from xAH's antics in a LONG time.
He promised the kids a trip to a local amusement park and they and I know better than to count on the promises. Nothing new there.
He showed up, not sober early in the morning yesterday, failed the breathalyzer he is required to take and was made to leave without seeing the kids.
DD8 and DD11 were both sad, teary, angry, confused, and verbalized a lot of confusion that I had and have no answers to:
"if Daddy wanted to see us, why did he drink?"
"it feels like Daddy just did not want to see us so he failed the test cuz he didn't want to take us today"
That sort of stuff-- those are two I wrote down.
He's done this MANY times before, and I don't usually (at least not for a long time) get ruffled by it.
But I have been on the verge of tears, bawling, sobbing tears, since yesterday morning.
No matter how much I try and protect my kids, his b.s. impacts them and they both are feeling the impact of his nonsense.
Maybe now that they are able to verbalize what this crap does to them, and I hear them saying the same words I spoke when I was the one being let down as his wife, that's what is making it sadder-- somehow hearing their little voices say outloud that they are hurt by being blown off by him is the most heartbreaking thing ever.
DD8 still has this magical thinking going on about how Daddy will be the Daddy she hopes he will be to her and so yesterday was shot after this debacle.
I took them to the amusement part myself bc they still wanted to go but the girls fought with each other, cried, and we left early because they were down and unhappy and we ended up just having a cuddle in moms bed and watch a movie kind of night together.
Im not even angry at xAH right now-- odd right?
Im just so, so, so sad...
This is the 2nd time in 3 weeks he has done this to them and his attitude is that it's just a blip and has no long term impact on them. I on the other hand see the day to day impact it has and it is traumatic for them to have hopes and make plans with him and have him dash those constantly.
Im crying as I am typing this-- not sure why I am so sad- it's not like me to have this reaction to his antics...
Just needed to get this out in hopes it would help me....
He promised the kids a trip to a local amusement park and they and I know better than to count on the promises. Nothing new there.
He showed up, not sober early in the morning yesterday, failed the breathalyzer he is required to take and was made to leave without seeing the kids.
DD8 and DD11 were both sad, teary, angry, confused, and verbalized a lot of confusion that I had and have no answers to:
"if Daddy wanted to see us, why did he drink?"
"it feels like Daddy just did not want to see us so he failed the test cuz he didn't want to take us today"
That sort of stuff-- those are two I wrote down.
He's done this MANY times before, and I don't usually (at least not for a long time) get ruffled by it.
But I have been on the verge of tears, bawling, sobbing tears, since yesterday morning.
No matter how much I try and protect my kids, his b.s. impacts them and they both are feeling the impact of his nonsense.
Maybe now that they are able to verbalize what this crap does to them, and I hear them saying the same words I spoke when I was the one being let down as his wife, that's what is making it sadder-- somehow hearing their little voices say outloud that they are hurt by being blown off by him is the most heartbreaking thing ever.
DD8 still has this magical thinking going on about how Daddy will be the Daddy she hopes he will be to her and so yesterday was shot after this debacle.
I took them to the amusement part myself bc they still wanted to go but the girls fought with each other, cried, and we left early because they were down and unhappy and we ended up just having a cuddle in moms bed and watch a movie kind of night together.
Im not even angry at xAH right now-- odd right?
Im just so, so, so sad...
This is the 2nd time in 3 weeks he has done this to them and his attitude is that it's just a blip and has no long term impact on them. I on the other hand see the day to day impact it has and it is traumatic for them to have hopes and make plans with him and have him dash those constantly.
Im crying as I am typing this-- not sure why I am so sad- it's not like me to have this reaction to his antics...
Just needed to get this out in hopes it would help me....
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wantobehealthy.....I remember the frustration (and anger) when my ex coped out on seeing the children. You have all my sympathy with this.
Have you explained alcoholism to the girls? (I am assuming that the 8yr. old is the youngest), If you haven't, maybe it is time...?
Also, alateen might be another thing that wo uld help them. I have heard that alateen will take them as young as 8yr.s)....
I think it was good that you were able to "regroup" and continue with the day in a peaceful way. I am sure that it took some of the 'sharp edges" off...
Have you explained alcoholism to the girls? (I am assuming that the 8yr. old is the youngest), If you haven't, maybe it is time...?
Also, alateen might be another thing that wo uld help them. I have heard that alateen will take them as young as 8yr.s)....
I think it was good that you were able to "regroup" and continue with the day in a peaceful way. I am sure that it took some of the 'sharp edges" off...
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
wantobehealthy.....I remember the frustration (and anger) when my ex coped out on seeing the children. You have all my sympathy with this.
Have you explained alcoholism to the girls? (I am assuming that the 8yr. old is the youngest), If you haven't, maybe it is time...?
Also, alateen might be another thing that wo uld help them. I have heard that alateen will take them as young as 8yr.s)....
I think it was good that you were able to "regroup" and continue with the day in a peaceful way. I am sure that it took some of the 'sharp edges" off...
Have you explained alcoholism to the girls? (I am assuming that the 8yr. old is the youngest), If you haven't, maybe it is time...?
Also, alateen might be another thing that wo uld help them. I have heard that alateen will take them as young as 8yr.s)....
I think it was good that you were able to "regroup" and continue with the day in a peaceful way. I am sure that it took some of the 'sharp edges" off...
Even though they "understand" it as much as kids can, them emotional toll SUCKS for them.
I am involving the court again bc I truly believe that subjecting them to the inconsistency and trauma of stuff like yesterday is unfair to the kids
And I have a court order that says after he pulls stuff like this 3 or more times (this is probably time 10 in the last 6 months) his parenting ends until we go back to court.
I gave him extra chances and frankly I suck for that bc I subjected the girls to unnecessary hurt bc of it
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I hear you - sending big hugs, it can feel very frustrating. XAH went from being a primary caregiver where DS meant a world to him to seeing him once/twice a month
Your children are lucky to have you
In my case XAH is sober, but backed out from taking DS12 to the lake in lieu of "going to the meeting" two weeks ago. So I just stopped saying anything to DS - we have supervised visits at grandmas - so we go and XAH takes all tests.
So if he does show up and is sober - it can be "surprise" for the kids.
My concern would be him showing up sober, and then getting drunk while they are in his care.
Your children are lucky to have you
In my case XAH is sober, but backed out from taking DS12 to the lake in lieu of "going to the meeting" two weeks ago. So I just stopped saying anything to DS - we have supervised visits at grandmas - so we go and XAH takes all tests.
So if he does show up and is sober - it can be "surprise" for the kids.
My concern would be him showing up sober, and then getting drunk while they are in his care.
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I can relate to what you are going through and I'm so sorry for your pain. It just stabs you in the heart when your children are sad. My kids are very young so they don't grasp everything right now...but I know there is going to come a time when they do and it will be heartbreaking. Kids shouldn't have to go through the disappointment of an absent parent but thankgod they have you as you sound like an amazing mom! My ex doesn't show up for his visitation all the time and like Nata said I don't even tell them anymore until he's at the door. If you can't be a consistent parent then just go away. Good for you for going back to court. Keep us posted with how that goes. Hugs!!!
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You live in hope, Wantto be. Nothing wrong with that. I am always baffled by the alcoholic's seemingly hell-bent desire to lower everyone's expectations of them until no one expects anything of them. It's almost as if the alcoholic feels that they are free to drink as much as they want because, well, no one expects anything of them. My AB has quacked (found that word on this forum and I love it. Soooo apt.) for years about how he is going to do this. He is going to do that. Meanwhile, his family has watched as his contributions to my mother's house hold have dwindled to nothing. Now he gets up, watches tv, drinks, watches tv, passes out. So sad and so frustrating. Maybe this last event was super sad for you because your daughters are hurt and sad about their father, and that hurts you. I am sending you good wishes. You sound like you are a strong person. Hang in there and do what you have to do. If your husband ever gets sober, he will come to realize that he threw away a price above rubies: the love and respect of his children. Peace.
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WTBH- maybe the extra chances you gave him were in some ways necessary so that when the order is enforced, the girls truly KNOW what happened and that they can't count on him--so years later when he talks about how you kept them from him, they will know it's not true.
I have many of the same feelings about what I've done "wrong". Now I battle with feeling "wrong" for enforcing my parenting plan in ways that keeps them apart. We can't win.
You're doing an incredible job and your kids feel it. Don't beat yourself up over trying.
I have many of the same feelings about what I've done "wrong". Now I battle with feeling "wrong" for enforcing my parenting plan in ways that keeps them apart. We can't win.
You're doing an incredible job and your kids feel it. Don't beat yourself up over trying.
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Originally Posted by Maudcat
You live in hope, Wantto be. Nothing wrong with that. I am always baffled by the alcoholic's seemingly hell-bent desire to lower everyone's expectations of them until no one expects anything of them. It's almost as if the alcoholic feels that they are free to drink as much as they want because, well, no one expects anything of them. My AB has quacked (found that word on this forum and I love it. Soooo apt.) for years about how he is going to do this. He is going to do that. Meanwhile, his family has watched as his contributions to my mother's house hold have dwindled to nothing. Now he gets up, watches tv, drinks, watches tv, passes out. So sad and so frustrating. Maybe this last event was super sad for you because your daughters are hurt and sad about their father, and that hurts you. I am sending you good wishes. You sound like you are a strong person. Hang in there and do what you have to do. If your husband ever gets sober, he will come to realize that he threw away a price above rubies: the love and respect of his children. Peace.
And he has done this a million times lately, even on DD10's bday... So this logically should not have impacted me like it did...
Maybe it is seeing DD8 starting to realize what a loser drunk waste of space her dad is like DD10 has figured out and realizing that he has now effectively begun the path of ending his relationship with them both.
I am ending his parenting until a court hears this matter as I am allowed to do and so effectively, their connection to their dad is over for the indefinite future-- I am sad, I suppose, by having to be the one to make that choice.
It's not a joyful point to be at, no matter how much it is needed or deserved on his part or healthier long term for the kids, to realize that they effectively no longer have a dad.
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Being a mother is the hardest, most heart breaking job in the world! Nothing hurts us so bad as something that hurts our kids!
We have to make the toughest choices for our children and often they or others, don't understand or appreciate those choices. This continues until they are adults and then we have to hope we have instilled in them the correct morals and values to make their own right choices, letting this happen can also be soooo hard! ( My kids are 22 & 18... )
I understand why you are so sad for your girls and so disappointed in your exhusbands ability to be a good parent.
I read somewhere a long time ago (paraphrasing), " If we do our job right, we are supposed to be raising adults, not children". I think you are setting an excellent example for your daughters.
Hang in there Momma!
***BIG HUGS***
We have to make the toughest choices for our children and often they or others, don't understand or appreciate those choices. This continues until they are adults and then we have to hope we have instilled in them the correct morals and values to make their own right choices, letting this happen can also be soooo hard! ( My kids are 22 & 18... )
I understand why you are so sad for your girls and so disappointed in your exhusbands ability to be a good parent.
I read somewhere a long time ago (paraphrasing), " If we do our job right, we are supposed to be raising adults, not children". I think you are setting an excellent example for your daughters.
Hang in there Momma!
***BIG HUGS***
Last edited by SmallButMighty; 09-04-2016 at 08:25 AM. Reason: clarification
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YOU didn't make the choice to end his parenting - - HE did.
What helped with my kids was continuing to explain and reinforce that "daddy's " behavior had NOTHING to do with them, that they were and always would be worthy of having a truly good parent, and that "Daddy" had a problem with alcohol that made him forget how to be a good parent.
Kids that age think the world revolves around them, and the downside to that is that when they are treated badly, they think they must be to blame, and only if they had not done this, or done that, daddy would have treated them better.
So keep reassuring them that they are worthy and wonderful, and that it is a real shame that Daddy just can't understand how a good dad behaves.
ShootingStar1
What helped with my kids was continuing to explain and reinforce that "daddy's " behavior had NOTHING to do with them, that they were and always would be worthy of having a truly good parent, and that "Daddy" had a problem with alcohol that made him forget how to be a good parent.
Kids that age think the world revolves around them, and the downside to that is that when they are treated badly, they think they must be to blame, and only if they had not done this, or done that, daddy would have treated them better.
So keep reassuring them that they are worthy and wonderful, and that it is a real shame that Daddy just can't understand how a good dad behaves.
ShootingStar1
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WTBH sorry this has raised its ugly head AGAIN.
I think what yo have chosen to do, to enforce your Court Order and go that route, is the best decision.
With many normies if you give them an inch they will take a mile. An alcoholic will take 1000 miles. You say this is probably the 10th time he has done this - so it will not stop until YOU stop it.
For me at this point I would not subject the children to any hope that their father will do anything for them, even bring them a Happy Meal from mcdonald's is too much to count on.
Lots of ((hugs)), I am sorry he continues to disappoint, and so glad they have YOU.
I think what yo have chosen to do, to enforce your Court Order and go that route, is the best decision.
With many normies if you give them an inch they will take a mile. An alcoholic will take 1000 miles. You say this is probably the 10th time he has done this - so it will not stop until YOU stop it.
For me at this point I would not subject the children to any hope that their father will do anything for them, even bring them a Happy Meal from mcdonald's is too much to count on.
Lots of ((hugs)), I am sorry he continues to disappoint, and so glad they have YOU.
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
WTBH sorry this has raised its ugly head AGAIN.
I think what yo have chosen to do, to enforce your Court Order and go that route, is the best decision.
With many normies if you give them an inch they will take a mile. An alcoholic will take 1000 miles. You say this is probably the 10th time he has done this - so it will not stop until YOU stop it.
For me at this point I would not subject the children to any hope that their father will do anything for them, even bring them a Happy Meal from mcdonald's is too much to count on.
Lots of ((hugs)), I am sorry he continues to disappoint, and so glad they have YOU.
I think what yo have chosen to do, to enforce your Court Order and go that route, is the best decision.
With many normies if you give them an inch they will take a mile. An alcoholic will take 1000 miles. You say this is probably the 10th time he has done this - so it will not stop until YOU stop it.
For me at this point I would not subject the children to any hope that their father will do anything for them, even bring them a Happy Meal from mcdonald's is too much to count on.
Lots of ((hugs)), I am sorry he continues to disappoint, and so glad they have YOU.
I think my sadness was largely bc I alone chose to subject them to the chaos.
I could and should have drawn the line after he pulled this 3 weeks ago on DD10's bday...
Instead I drew up an adendum to the order, and gave him yet another chance...
And he showed me that he still takes me for a fool and showed me that I am a ****** mother to subject my kids to his chaos...
I notified my attorney of his latest violation, told her the trigger is pulled on the conditions of the parenting plan and his parenting is done.
If he wants to petition the court to have supervised visits he can.
I am not going to court to modify parenting, bc the final plan is clear cut-- he has none anymore- and if he wants to ask the court to reconsider, that is on him.
That point was made to me by my lawyer, who smartly asked me why I was paying to reopen the parenting plan and give him the chance to make excuses in court.
The plan allows me to simply end his parenting. The end.
Now it's on him to do what he will.
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