viola71

Been a long time since I posted but I lurk quite often. I had cancer this year and after the most painful surgery in my life my AH left me in a hotel room having just been released from the hospital and returned 2 hrs later completely incoherent. I think this is when the realization really started. My husband of 20 years is a high functioning, highly paid, highly successful alcoholic. People look to him to solve all their problems .....if they only knew. I have never felt more alone in my life than that night but I survived and I am better for it. In that one moment I realized I will make it no matter what, I can and will take care of myself. Of course this holiday weekend started off with a bang and came crashing down with a fizzle. My AH hid in his man cave to get drunk. I left with my kids 19 & 16 and we went to see a movie. They asked what was wrong with their father and I told them. I can't believe I actually told them I can't lie anymore I'm done. I'm tired of living in shame, fear and uncertainty. These past 2 years have been years of major growth for me. I am self sufficient with a new found confidence that I don't want to spend my years like this. Its funny how God puts people in your lives that you need. I unloaded on a new friend (1year) of my dark secret turns out she too is married to an A. I no longer feel alone, I feel sad but resolved. I am done shortchanging myself and my life for someone who only loves himself. I am done making excuses for the man I thought he was. I am done taking less than what I am worth. I am done feeling lonely and rejected. I am done with the drama that he brings into our family. I am done with listening to everyone tell me how successful and great he is. I am at peace with the fact that I am enough even in this cancer ridden body. I am enough for me and the people who love and respect me. I am strong, resilient, smart, sassy and capable. I am a warrior and for those who can't see or appreciate me .......they are no longer enough.

dandylion

viola....I do t.hink that there is a moment in time when we just know that it is over, and it is impossible, after that, to unknow it...
It certainly was for me...and I have never changed my mind....

I know what you mean about the public adoration of "successful" men (people), who, privately, do not treat their own family with respect.
I think it is far more common than is known...

I hope that you gather the support that you need....
The more support, the better..

Praying

Hi- and congratulations to you for your attitude and battle with this cancer. It's hard enough with a fantastic support system, but I can't imagine it with your husband.

My XAH of 18 years was high functioning, made great money, had an excellent facade and appeared well liked...

Pretty quickly all of a sudden his life caught up with him and he was fired, divorced, and doesn't speak to any of his friends- cut everyone out rather than deal with reality. A's are not as happy as we think, living the lies and hating themselves.

I can tell you from the other side--when I said "enough" and stopped lying--in many ways I felt peace like I hadn't in years...and then the $hitstorm started. He won't like it, and you'll KNOW it, but do what feels right to YOU. And get as much support as you can--people want to help.

Bekindalways

Amass all the support you can around you Viola and keep taking baby steps towards an alcoholic free future. Let us know how it goes.

qtpi

I also have a high-functioning STBXAH. I left 3 months ago after I had symptoms of a heart attack and he refused to help me. That was the last straw. I had become accustomed to living with an A and thought I could be happy continuing to live with him but I realized I couldn't trust him. One of the tough parts beforehand was who do I talk to? It seemed disloyal and gossipy to talk with anyone- and I felt ashamed when I told my best friend because of that- so I decided to see a counselor. Once I made plans for a different life, I told my closest friends and they all helped me.