My three months out
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 528
My three months out
It has been just over three months for me- and I admit to feeling scattered. Work gives me a framework and organization- but it is hard to feel organized with the rest of my life. I am trying to turn my little apartment into something restful and like a retreat but something is missing- and I don't know what. I like sitting on my little porch. I did spend a little money on plants, a table and an outdoor rug- and it feels good out here. My bedroom feels good- I had to make one bedroom wall my office because my apartment is so small. And the "office"is partially organized but not up to standard yet. Still feeling wobbly on my money budget. I lost so much weight- and I am at a healthy weight now- so I bought new clothes and have gradually been weeding out my closet. I try something on and if it falls off, it goes to a friend of mine who has been losing weight and is my old size now. I lose things and- sunglasses, papers, books, etc. I think my life has changed so much I am just not used to where everything is supposed to go. Then I find them again! I am getting used to cooking for one. Lots of things are different. Since January, I have had two glasses of wine- both times I just felt ill and sleepy. It's hard to believe I used to have a glass of wine weekly with STBXAH. Things are different and often confusing. I do feel the urge to contact STBXAH. I feel the urge to return, to give him another chance. I find my mind is often obsessed with him. And I think that codependence is my addiction. I found an Alanon meeting I like. There are certain hobby activities I want to continue- but I am having a hard time managing my time now It feels like I had more time for my hobbies before I left- like everything was set up and settled and now I spend so much time - obsessing abut STBXAH, and trying to force myself towards a new life that feels but is so unfamiliar.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'll tell you what my AA sponsor used to tell me: "You're right where you're supposed to be."
Yeah, it pissed me off when she said it to me, too. It really is true, though. Try not struggling so HARD to make everything "just so" just yet. It will fall into place. You don't have to force it, and even if you DID get everything "just so," it takes time before it's going to feel normal and before YOU feel normal.
You're doing just fine.
Yeah, it pissed me off when she said it to me, too. It really is true, though. Try not struggling so HARD to make everything "just so" just yet. It will fall into place. You don't have to force it, and even if you DID get everything "just so," it takes time before it's going to feel normal and before YOU feel normal.
You're doing just fine.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
qtpi....you are doing really well for just three months out!
Think of it as being at the end of your third trimester of growing your new life...lol....
(and it is going to be a "new" girl!).
someone, here, said that it is like a turtle emerging from it's shell into a briar patch.....
Think of it as being at the end of your third trimester of growing your new life...lol....
(and it is going to be a "new" girl!).
someone, here, said that it is like a turtle emerging from it's shell into a briar patch.....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Yeah - you are doing great!
Can you write a list of your hobbies and keep it with you? When your mind heads in THAT direction, you bust out your list and go do one of them.
Your life is amazing, positive, and healthy...and only getting better!! I do not believe you could say all that if you were back where you were. Keep doing what you're doing.
Can you write a list of your hobbies and keep it with you? When your mind heads in THAT direction, you bust out your list and go do one of them.
Your life is amazing, positive, and healthy...and only getting better!! I do not believe you could say all that if you were back where you were. Keep doing what you're doing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
From my experience, grieving the end of a relationship is the same, regardless of how good or bad that relationship was. Even if you know that you're doing the best thing for yourself, it takes a little while for the heart to catch up to the mind. That's normal - let yourself grieve.
I don't know if you are feeling this way, but I certainly struggled with letting myself grieve at first. How on earth could I miss a person that could treat me so terribly at times? It made me feel pretty low, and it was a struggle to just let it happen. I was able to put those thoughts to rest when I reminded myself of my own intentions and my own motivations in that relationship. Those motivations were pure; they were proper motivations in pursuing a relationship. I connected with this person, and I believed them, and loved them.
Regardless of who they turned out to be, that was still a part of developing that relationship. When those red flags start popping up, they are not red flags about a person we just met. They are red flags about a person with whom we have developed a bond and a love for. It's not inherently wrong to want to help those we love. With the alcoholic or addict, the challenge is deciphering whether or not we can help. But when we realize we can't, it's okay (and quite necessary) to grieve that loss.
Like I said, I don't know if this is something you are struggling with, but I know I struggled with it. I felt foolish and weak sometimes, but it's not foolish or weak at all. It's part of the process of letting go.
It sounds like you are on a great track. Al anon is a great outlet during times when you feel kind of out of control. Any time we go through a big change in our lives, there is an element of feeling this way - just try to embrace it. Keep on moving forward, and stay strong. You're doing good, for yourself and your future.
I don't know if you are feeling this way, but I certainly struggled with letting myself grieve at first. How on earth could I miss a person that could treat me so terribly at times? It made me feel pretty low, and it was a struggle to just let it happen. I was able to put those thoughts to rest when I reminded myself of my own intentions and my own motivations in that relationship. Those motivations were pure; they were proper motivations in pursuing a relationship. I connected with this person, and I believed them, and loved them.
Regardless of who they turned out to be, that was still a part of developing that relationship. When those red flags start popping up, they are not red flags about a person we just met. They are red flags about a person with whom we have developed a bond and a love for. It's not inherently wrong to want to help those we love. With the alcoholic or addict, the challenge is deciphering whether or not we can help. But when we realize we can't, it's okay (and quite necessary) to grieve that loss.
Like I said, I don't know if this is something you are struggling with, but I know I struggled with it. I felt foolish and weak sometimes, but it's not foolish or weak at all. It's part of the process of letting go.
It sounds like you are on a great track. Al anon is a great outlet during times when you feel kind of out of control. Any time we go through a big change in our lives, there is an element of feeling this way - just try to embrace it. Keep on moving forward, and stay strong. You're doing good, for yourself and your future.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Q,
Good for recognizing it and working on yourself, because that is the only one we have control over. Slowly and in time the obsession will ware off. The big thing that you need to continue with is No Contact. When we get dragged into "saving" them is when we take the steps backwards.
Hugs my friend, take one day at a time.
Good for recognizing it and working on yourself, because that is the only one we have control over. Slowly and in time the obsession will ware off. The big thing that you need to continue with is No Contact. When we get dragged into "saving" them is when we take the steps backwards.
Hugs my friend, take one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 121
Q, you're doing so great!
You are strong and brave.
You'be made the move that many of us feel we can't make, and many of us never make.
Keep building your life. You are taking back something that you lost, but you deserve.
Everything will fall into place.
Hugs.
You are strong and brave.
You'be made the move that many of us feel we can't make, and many of us never make.
Keep building your life. You are taking back something that you lost, but you deserve.
Everything will fall into place.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 14
Q,
I am 4 months out of my relationship with my XAB. When I first read your post I did a double take, wondering "did I write this?..". I have lost 40lbs since the breakup and also am now at a healthy weight, but totally know the 'buy something, three weeks later swimming in it, give it away' process. The giant knot that has set up camp in the pit of my stomach for four months & counting is the best appetite suppressant to date. Being at home, feeling that something is off but can't put my finger on it. Not knowing how to spend my new found free time. Feeling rushed, bored, exhausted, restless, all at the same time. Finding solice in the structure and stability of my job; stresses and all. Trying literally everything, every angle to get things back in place without complete success. I get one thing dialed in and something else slips; I am a walking, talking, jenga these days. It's taken me the entire four months to realize that no amount of organizing, planning, or strategizing will bring me out the other side of this discomfort any faster. I apologize for rambling, in re-reading my post I see I haven't provided any words of wisdom. I just thought you should know you are doing a great job, you are not alone in your feelings, and I completely understand.
I am 4 months out of my relationship with my XAB. When I first read your post I did a double take, wondering "did I write this?..". I have lost 40lbs since the breakup and also am now at a healthy weight, but totally know the 'buy something, three weeks later swimming in it, give it away' process. The giant knot that has set up camp in the pit of my stomach for four months & counting is the best appetite suppressant to date. Being at home, feeling that something is off but can't put my finger on it. Not knowing how to spend my new found free time. Feeling rushed, bored, exhausted, restless, all at the same time. Finding solice in the structure and stability of my job; stresses and all. Trying literally everything, every angle to get things back in place without complete success. I get one thing dialed in and something else slips; I am a walking, talking, jenga these days. It's taken me the entire four months to realize that no amount of organizing, planning, or strategizing will bring me out the other side of this discomfort any faster. I apologize for rambling, in re-reading my post I see I haven't provided any words of wisdom. I just thought you should know you are doing a great job, you are not alone in your feelings, and I completely understand.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 528
GIGI707- I love it. Thank you. Love the description of Jenga! That's my life now. Thank you for telling me I am not alone. Thanks to everyone for all your words. This forum has been a huge help to me. Sometimes my feelings are so overwhelming. I am wondering what is a really effective way to deal with obsession- and then I remembered I was obsessed with a man when I was fourteen- and gradually a day would go by and I wouldn't think of " him" and I would be surprised. I also know my codependence at that young age altered my life and not in a good way. I read the Craig Nakken book on addiction, and I am rereading it- I read it to help understand him- but I see now it is helping me to understand me. I am obsessed with "him" and my mind runs over these thoughts- could i have...should I... can he change.... was i wrong... should i go back now. Questions with no answers. Obsessive endless loop questions. I guess if I went back i would get an answer, but in my head I think the answer would be- you dummy, why did you go back? you know he won't stop drinking and smoking pot ever and you can't trust him. Really. What is the attraction? I don't know, my little girl self would squeak. I just love him and he loves me. OOOOH Love. Uhuh. Anyway my mind also thinks if I think enough, I will come up with a solution so I can have him back and it will all be well- kind of like when an alcoholic says- how about if I just drink beer- like that is their solution. So the non-addict part of me says no contact- get over it- move on- come on- let's get a life. And the addict says OOOOH love!- it felt soooo good- there must be a way to have it all! Well anyway, more suggestions on how to dampen this obsession would be appreciated.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
qtpi....it has been only three mo nths!! It takes longer than that to go through the grieving process......
so, you are just about the end of your third trimester...lol....
It takes about 9 mo. to grow a new l ife.....
This time, next year....you will be a newborn, eager, foal....looking forward to what llife brings......
so, you are just about the end of your third trimester...lol....
It takes about 9 mo. to grow a new l ife.....
This time, next year....you will be a newborn, eager, foal....looking forward to what llife brings......
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 120
Sounds like you're doing great. You got out, that's a huge accomplishment itself.
You've got your new place, losing weight, going to Al-Anon. That's good!
Are you're being hard on yourself? Any move leaves me a little mixed up at first, but coming from the types of relationships we have, it's probably magnified. Keep doing what you're doing.
You've got your new place, losing weight, going to Al-Anon. That's good!
Are you're being hard on yourself? Any move leaves me a little mixed up at first, but coming from the types of relationships we have, it's probably magnified. Keep doing what you're doing.
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