alwayscovering

I'm okay...kids are okay...husband still drinks on and off. He says he knows he has a problem and he's going to go to a counselor but I don't believe him. I think he's just blowing smoke. I still see my therapist every week. Al anon just isn't for me- right now.

We're moving. By the end of the year. Step son wants to move with us...I have no idea how this custody situation will play out. His mother will probably just let him go with us because she doesn't really want to be a parent.

I'm sick and tired of being stuck in a state I hate. ALL my family lives in the south/midwest. Our families live 5 hours from each other so we can move to either city and I'd be a lot happier and I wouldn't have to deal with this crap alone. I've decided to move near husband's family because I can earn a higher salary with a much lower standard of living. Husband's family are NOT enablers and were very distressed when I informed them of the situation and that I was dealing with it alone.

His drinking has escalated a little bit...he went from drinking just on his days off to a few times during the week too. I stopped keeping my feelings to myself. I never try to engage him when he's drinking but in the morning when he's hungover and feeling crappy -I tell him. This morning I asked him if he thought that the kids and I deserved a life of walking on eggshells, having no safe haven, no place to relax. He said no of course not. So I asked him why he was forcing us to live that existence. He looked like I kicked him in the stomach. I then asked him if he really didn't see how badly his drinking affected the rest of us (I know he doesn't) He said he'd make the appointment. I replied "sure you will"

I have no idea how else to handle this.

LexieCat

Well, sarcastic digs at him when he's hungover isn't a very productive strategy. It just gives him another excuse to drink--not that he needs one.

If your stepson moves in with you, will that make it harder for you to leave, if you decide you need to do that?

atalose

Do you think you and your kids deserve that? He's not the only one keeping them in that situation.

He's not forcing you, your choosing to.

The dance of an alcoholic marriage/relationship takes two.

dandylion

alwayscovering.....Actually, I agree that you need to be open and honest with him about how his behaviors are affecting the whole family. I can't see a good reason to keep that a "secret".
And, I agree that it needs to be done when he is sober....and, It can be hard to catch a drinker when they are totally sober...so, if he is the most sober in the mornings...even if he is hung over and feeling crappy.....well, so be it.....

alwayscovering

I don't care if it's not productive at this point. I'm tired of being silent. Of just putting up with it. Everything is an excuse to drink so what difference does it make?

No, as much as I love my stepson-he's not my kid and I accepted a long time ago that I have zero control over what happens to him or what decisions are made for him by his parents.

LexieCat

Of COURSE you don't have to put up with it, but I'm just saying the comments don't help YOU--I wasn't concerned about their hurting his feelings or something. No matter what you say, your staying is sending the message that he CAN behave the way he does. Are you putting together a plan for you and the kids to leave once you've relocated?

alwayscovering

Oh yea, I already have my own bank account and I've been putting money in it. My MIL wants the kids and I to live with her and my husband to go to rehab for at least 30 days. My plan is to get a good job and save money and buy a house. I'll very easily be able to afford it on my own there.

Being honest and saying whatever I feel is very helpful to me(probably sounds weird). I'm a very direct person and feeling like I cannot say what I'm thinking or feeling actually stresses me out.

SoloMio

There are ways in which to communicate what you feel in a way that is productive vs unproductive. It's good that you are seeing a therapist--perhaps he/she is helping you to frame your feelings in ways that will help your relationship rather than target your spouse as the bad guy. Communicating productively simply requires a bit self-awareness--of stepping back and reflecting about what will help the situation rather than hurt it.

Speaking honestly is one thing--but it's important first to determine where the truth lies--and you heard some of it already in the comments.

ETA: I am not the paragon of truth or self-awareness myself.. maybe I see myself in you.. so maybe that makes it easier for me to tell you that what you call "honesty" might really be anger or resentment. So if you call that out for what it is maybe it's easier to recognize that what you need to deal with is not a matter of controlling his drinking, but understanding your choices in the matter.

maia1234

A,
You sound like you are at your wits end.... and we totally get it. It is very frustrating dealing with an addict. They are good people with a horrible disease. This disease makes our loved ones make very poor choices and hurt everyone around them.

I know you feel that by "discussing" the wrong doings of your husband that you will "get" him to understand. Our addicts really need to hit rock bottom to really understand and grasp the destruction in their lives. Rock bottoms come in all different sizes.

What we are all trying to get you to understand, your husband does not have a problem with his drinking, you do. (he might say he does when he is hung over, but starts drinking that night again). So really, its your problem, not his, so what are going to do about your problem? You need to take control of your life and stop expecting your husband to make your life better, because it could be a long wait.

I understand that you tried alanon and it wasn't for you. I re-entered the world of alanon after 15 years being gone, and at that time it was EXACTLY what I needed. I went to 3 months of therapy weekly and it just wasn't cutting it. I needed so much more, these people understood the hxll I was living in. Please try and hit a few meetings, they might just hit a cord with what you are living in. They might give you that one sentence that make some peace in your life.

Dont waste your life waiting for him to stop, I waited 34 long years with my addict, and could no longer take it. Hardest thing I ever did in my life was divorcing the man I loved, but it was the best thing for me and my kids, but not for him so much. I read a comment on the Alcoholism forum from an addict, "The best thing my x-wife ever did was kick me to the curb".

Hugs my friend, we all understand.

letitend

I completely feel you there. It has been stressful for me to not be listened to and acknowledged. I struggle with getting no closure from the xA in my life. We are currently going to be moving separate ways within a short matter of days. Although I want this and try to talk to him about, I realize I am never going to get what I am wanting from him.

At some point, it just became too much for me. It has been too much for years.

A partner should care about the other person's view. It is very stressful to not have an emotional connection where you can communicate feelings.

I pray that your path will be more clear in the coming days.

qtpi

I read a book by Toby Rice Drews a long time ago that said basically if you are still talking and engaging, the alcoholic is fine with that- no matter what you say- he's got you there. Someone in Alanon suggested to me an alcoholic sees you like a television picture with the sound muted. If you are talking they don't hear you- they look at what you DO not what you say. And don't try talking to brick walls either.

alwayscovering

So he made the appointment now to see if he goes.

LexieCat

Remember, he only promised to make the appointment, right? Nothing about KEEPING it.

Kissedbyfire

I shed quite a few tears when I read your post.
It's like looking in a mirror.
The comments, the anger, those back handed comments you just can't refrain from giving. It eventually just led my AH to more drinking- and more blaming. I lost that bravery and it led me to sugar-coating everything and trying to play the perfect wife. That didn't solve anything either.
I remember saying "why are you doing this to me? To us? To your family?"
I remember telling him so many times "you need to do something about this."
The one time he replied "no, you need to do something about this. Make a decision if you're not happy!"
I remember just thinking, oh my goodness, I have to fix this? You could just stop drinking and this would all go away!!! How can he say something so insensitive and selfish?
I never saw how much wisdom and truth there was to that drunken response he gave until now...
I can't change his addiction. I can't save him from himself... but I do have choices.

I, like you didn't like going to AL Anon.
I went there two years ago searching for answers... instead I felt like I was sitting in a room full of destroyed, beaten down, hopeless people who never figured out how to fix their loved one's drinking. In my eyes, it seemed they were there because they lost their battle with their beloved alcoholic and needed therapy in coping with that. With the fact that they failed.
I'm ready to go back now, because I'm ready to hear what I need to hear. What i refused to hear two years ago. I'm ready to take my life back. For myself and for my daughter. My AH has been sober for over a week... but my pain is still here. I'm still suffering. And I can't be the person or the mother I want to be with that pain. I'm still with him, but I'm done talking about alcohol with him. It's a one-sided conversation of blowing hot air.
I have my hopes high for you that he goes to the appointment. Whether he does or does not, I hope you find peace and happiness for yourself and your family.
If you aren't ready to go to Al Anon, keep coming back here. I've been here a week and I'm learning, growing, and finding so many supportive people.

LexieCat

Very, very powerful post, Kbf. Just like the alcoholic, we can't see what we can't see. And that moment of clarity, for us, is just as powerful--and as painful--as an alcoholic's moment of clarity when they really DO become ready to change.

LordChallen

Force is a relative term. My brother used to think that if someone put a gun to your head and told you jump of a cliff that you had a choice.

This sort of choice is out of context.

SeriousKarma

This really is the probably the hardest hurdle to get over.

I still find myself sometimes having imaginary conversations with my XAH. Trying to elicit a perfect response from him, but, with practice, ( a lot of practice) and yes Alanon, those times are fewer and farther apart.

Getting over the need to be heard is monumentally difficult, and takes a dedicated effort that starts, first with acknowledging the issue, and then recognizing the very real possibility that it, quite possibly, will never be satisfactorily resolved.

I've reached a good place with my XAH, but it's taken a lot of work, not on his part, but on mine. Years of work, and fine tuning. Almost all of it having to do with that "need to be heard". Decisions regarding what emotions I should hold on to, and what I need to let go of. Looking intently, not at him,but atmyself.

Try shifting your perspective, and see if that doesn't change things a bit.