LordChallen

I have people in my life that like to yell a lot. Everything is just balls-to-wall with intensity and always yelling. I learned a long time ago that I couldn't engage with such yelling, because well, I'm bigger and mildly dangerous. If I lose it, things get broken. But for the most part, I like to be calm, collected, and take my time thinking things through.

But the yelling has been getting to me more over the years. I try to walk away, it follows me, and I used to leave the house. Even spend the night sleeping in a Walmart parking lot. But the attacks just got more vicious as I tried to disengage.

I'm usually ok, but there are genetic weakness in my family that lack of sleep really makes us vulnerable to mental breakdown. And so, yeah, one week working 16 hour days an attack starts. I tried to stay cool, then to walk again, 4x, and then I snap. I just freaking lost it. I broke my hand on a counter and which (which I had done a month earlier because on an verbal attack) and that just pissed me off more, because I use my hands a lot.

That was my first mental breakdown, and I've had two since. Since I started Al-anon, I've felt a lot better. And the yelling and verbal attacks have decreased over the years and I've made clear I won't be part of it.

But. . . . my yeller has a daughter and she is a yeller too. They work together in a our home office. And like I said, the intensity is in the red, like all day and I ignore it most of the day. I love them both, and I really can just stay out of it, but it still wears on me. The simplest thing can turn into the WWIII, like a misplaced shoes, or charger cord, or whatever.

I know it's not me, really. I've worked with thousands of people over the years and have a huge family but it was never like this.

So, how do all of you folks married to substance abusers deal with the intense mood swings, going from 0 to HATE in 3 seconds flat.

Thanks

maia1234

Lord,
I am so sorry for all the craziness in your life. I too spent over 1/2 a dozen nightd in my car. I stayed in the hospital parking lot, ugh!! My axh liked to wake me up int he middle of the night and pick fights, he was also a screamer. I use to have to close all the windows in the house when he was screaming, as he would not lower his voice. Kids heard everything.

I learned many, many years ago not to engage with my addict, especially if he had been drinking. I heard many years ago about when you are dealing with someone out of control that you are both speaking 2 different languages, you don't understand them, and they don't understand you. So I never needed to prove my point, didn't really matter.

I try and ignore the situation and if it won't stop, I usually say "I'm sorry". That's it. I don't engage or waste my time. I don't get upset and angry that I did something totally stupid during the argument. I just try and defuse the situation, and say I'm sorry. Eventually if they have no one to engage with, then they will leave you alone. You can't continue fighting when no one disagrees with them.

Hugs my friend, keep reading and educating yourself about addiction. There are some amazing people on this forum with a wealth of knowledge.

dandylion

LordChallen....the situation that you describe, sounds like a form of constant torture for you.....and I am so sorry to hear of your enduring that...
Even if it is not directly aimed at you...hearing such verbal conflicts has the same kind of effect as if it is...on the mind and the body....it can even be a set up for all kinds of reactions...even ptsd.....

Can we assume that you feel "trapped" because you live and work with this..?
Like there is no escape?

firebolt

I can't imagine - I have an EPIC temper kept under tight lock and key and that sort of thing would shatter it all and release the Kracken - QUICKLY.

Thew TV show 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia' I can hardly watch - even though I enjoy the humor, I can't stand the yelling.

I say get yourself an air horn....or a saxophone...or a death metal CD....or a novice bagpipe CD.....

And when the yelling fires up, well - so do the bagpipes.

Seriously though - have you tried to talk to them about it? Any chance of renting a 'not at home' office? Or converting your garage or basement to said office?

Hang in there - you took me back to some obnoxious nutty rages that I do not miss.

LexieCat

Are you the "boss" there? If so, it might be time to ACT like the boss and insist on a reasonable tone of voice in the workplace. You can tell people that this is NOT going to be tolerated any longer, and that anyone yelling will be told ONCE to calm down and if they fail to do so, they will be warned, and then sent home for the day (without pay) if they are unable to comply. Put it in writing and make sure it is applied evenly, and consistently. That's important for any employee disciplinary issues, for your own protection.

If, by chance, you AREN'T the boss, I'd suggest you have a chat with whoever is. Too much of one's life is spent at work to endure that level of totally unnecessary stress.

It doesn't sound, from how you wrote, as if these yellers are YOUR family members. But boundaries are important, whether in the family or in the workplace.

Bekindalways

I read it as the yellers are Lord's partner and her daughter and they have a work at home business.

Lord, I lost is once with a librarian when I had a paper that didn't save after pressing save. (You had to press "save as"). The librarian didn't know this until I told her and then kept repeating to me, "You should have pressed 'Save As'". I finally took her by the shoulders and shook her and said it was too late for that.

This was absolutely NOT ok for me to do. Understandable . . .maybe . . . .Ok? . . . NO! The incidence really made me think about what it would be like to be a large man or probably worse: a large black man. As a small middle aged woman, I'm pretty harmless even in full melt-down mode.

Congrats for every time you got the heck out. Anyway you could get yourself another place to stay? A camper van? Go to a homeless shelter? . . . hmmm . . .what about a domestic abuse shelter? You would probably qualify for that. Although I don't think men often use them, I wish they would.

The above is a bit of a crazy brain storm but I really think you are asking a great question here.

LordChallen

Yeah, the first yeller is my wife.

They are good people, but with their issues. I have issues too.

My wife and I have talked about not yelling around my youngest daughter. The therapist agreed it wasn't good for her. Mostly that ends up meaning that I wasn't to yell because I am scary and my wife isn't. Somehow it was ok if she yelled.

So the yelling has decreased a lot in last year between me, my wife, and my youngest. But the older step daughter, raised with no small amount of yelling is out of control. But they feed off each other and cannot seem to stop. And they are both asking the other to stop shouting. Then they will say, "just drop it" but then start again 20 seconds later by trying explain themselves.

They are family and we are functional, if just barely. Still makes me nuts. Just wondered if others dealt with this.

HappyPoppy

It's just about speaking with respect and kindness. Yelling is anything but kind. This is a skill that can be learned if one really wants to make the change.

I know when I hear yelling, my heart starts racing and I feel stressed. It helps us that we live in a townhouse where we share walls. Sometimes people care more about what others think of them than their own family. I think if we lived out in the boonies, we'd be screaming a lot more often.

LexieCat

Personally, I couldn't live with that kind of constant yelling. But it's like drinking, or any other kind of intolerable behavior in the house. If it's taking a toll on your health, it's up to you to find a way to escape it. Just as with drinking, loving someone does not mean you're obligated to endure it.

Mountainmanbob

I saw some rage up close when I was young. As a little boy I told myself that, "I would never be married to someone who acts like that." But, I find it to be like a disease that does many times carry over into the little ones lives as they grow up. As we all know, so as to lead normal lives the cycle needs to be broken, the sooner the better for we wish not to be stuck in this unhealthy rut forever.

Both my new wife of ten years and I (close to never) yell at each other for we hate any form of drama. I will be the first to admit that things are not perfect but, having many calm no stress days in a roll while living together truly gives us something worth coming home to.

I have one suggestion for you at this time LC.
Your situation sounds to be dire and requires taking action.

For now possible get your family together for a discussion.
Seems you all need one day with (nobody talking to anybody).
Would that not be of some relief ?
One quiet day that would give all some food for thought.
If this helps you may want to do it often ?

Mountainmanbob

bluelily

Have someone else come to your house to complain about the yelling, and talk directly to them. Police would be best but a neighbour would work too (or any person pretending to be a neighbour). You could ask them if you could give them a sign when they´re yelling so they know when to show up, and to tell them they´ll file a complaint if this goes on. I don´t know if there are fines for making too much noise where you live? If there is a threat of receiving a fine you´d have that as an argument next time things get out of control.

Mountainmanbob

It's always best not to fib.
Mountainman

alwayscovering

I am so sorry. I am the same way. I abhor yelling. I just don't see the purpose- You yell and scream at each other and it escalates until you are saying the most horrible, hurtful things you can think of to each other. It solves NOTHING. You can't take the hurtful words back and it certainly isn't productive.

I have a big italian family and they are notorious for that kind of behavior. I grew up like that and I just can't do it. I walk away from people when they act like that. Find a place where you can go that's peaceful. For me it's the christian store. Don't ask me why. It just feels calm in there.

SoloMio

So, I'm assuming that they are yelling at you, but also at each other? How often is the yelling directed at you, vs how often is it background noise?

I like the idea of relocating the home office out of the home for starters.

I'm a bit sensitive to loud things/people also. My AH is losing his hearing so the TV is always loud, then he turns on the fan and that's kind of loud, and when he's drinking, of course he raises his voice, and if we're watching something on TV he doesn't like (like Hillary Clinton or rap singers) he starts shouting and cursing. At which point, I get up and leave the room. I actually bought a cheap TV to put in an upstairs guest room so I could have a place to relax by myself.

I have a home office, too, but mine is a refuge. I close the door, put on SOFT music, light incense. Thank God for doors. Thank God I don't live in a modern "open concept" home. I'd go crazy.

LexieCat

Yeah, false police reports are likely to get you, or anyone else involved, in a jam.

Never a good idea.

redatlanta

I'd say if this behavior is such that your reaction is resulting in broken hands and such you need to take a step back and look at this situation clearly.

While you can't control them, you can control YOU.

There is no dealing with 0 - Hate in 3 seconds, its an unbearable situation. I suppose you could just walk out of wherever it happens every time it happens - that's enabling a bit for the screamers to do what they want to.

Personally, this behavior would HAVE TO END. No two ways about it. Its great they have curbed it, if they can curb it, they can stop it.

dandylion

Lord....you mentioned that a therapist said it wasn't good for your younger daughter......
I don't know if you all are in family therapy...? or how you all happened to be in front of a therapist.....But,
If there ever was a good subject for discussions in therapy...this o ne sure is. in my opinion.

I wish that my husband and I had yelled...so that I would be able to tell you how we dealt with it...but, sadly, we didn't really do that....so I can't give y ou my "story " on that.....

This is what I can tell you, though, from my own experience....that there were other areas that mattered, and it had to be addressed by long and deep and honest discussions with each other...and, sometimes, the discussions were intense... But, things were addressed, and finally, got worked out...

I agree that yelling is a learned behavior...and, thus...it can be unlearned...
I think that people often do it because they CAN!!
They may, also, so it because they don't have any better communication skills in the face of frustration or conflict.....SO, alternate ways of communicating can be learned, also!

It may be that the adult daughter is very triggering for your wife...and I can tell you that an obstinate teen or adult child can drive Jobe (a biblical character) to distraction...
Could that be a toxic situation, in your home that needs to be addressed or changed?

Your situation sounds l ike H***, to me, and you seem to have intense physical and emotional effects from it.
You are suffering a form of abuse from the family, in my opinion.

It can be changed....but, you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to change it....

I'm just saying.....

healthyagain

How old is the younger yeller? There is a big difference if it is a teen or an adult, in my opinion. But in any case, they yell because that behavior is apparently "rewarding" in some way. If you get what you want by screaming and yelling, you will keep screaming and yelling.

And although they are both screamers, one of them should be wiser (older) and stop the nonsense first. Then the other one may follow. If a teen is screaming at you, you do not lower yourself to that level. If an adult child is screaming at you in your house, you ask that child to leave.

LordChallen

I'm better at controlling myself now. About 5 years ago when I had my first breakdown, I couldn't. My method of control was just "stuff it." It blew up in my face.

Years later I can raise an eyebrow and ask, "are you yelling at me?"

I did leave for a while, camped on in the AZ mountains about 4 months, visited family out there. But I want my family to work. I'm willing to deal as long as I "can deal."

The other yeller is 30ish. I don't allow it with me, if I can help it. But now, just listening to them go at is painful. But they love each other, they just don't know how to communicate. The speak is constantly "pressured" and no one letting anyone else talk.

The child/family therapy is my wife's idea (I fully support it, of course.) So my wife talks to the therapist, I go along and offer information, but stay out of it. I don't try to "reveal the truth" about things because my wife has walked out on a couple of therapists that "got her number." If anyone tries to point out that she might have some responsibility in the matter, she calls them stupid and we stop going.

I've embraced that I cannot control people. I probably handle it better than most, but I'm sure some people out there have dealt with worse.

Basically, it's about people so afraid they are not perfect you simply have to pretend they are . . . . .

tomsteve

i cant control other people and have to accept them for the way they are
but i dont have to allow unacceptable behavior in my life.

honestly,lord, it doesnt read like dealing with it is very fun. andmyou yourself typed

The yelling, making me nuts


and it doesnt read like therapists knowing the truth helps anything more than the therapists pockets. they cant help without knowing the truth.
but then again, they cant help someone that doesnt want help.