CentralOhioDad

This is why marriage counseling didn't work for me and AW- she thought that either me or the therapist bringing up her drinking was not doing anyone any good - so we stopped going. We can't talk about the obvious - obviously!

redatlanta

If she isn' being truthful in therapy, then therapy is a bust.

I hear you, you love them and want to keep it together. I guess the best you can do is to exit the screamfests no matter where they happen. Like if in car and it happens I would pull over and get out. Leave the house, leave the office. Leave anywhere it happens. Continue to talk to them and push for stopping the behavior.

As for you, I would seek out individual therapy to deal with your responses. Its good that you have gotten much better at dealing with it, but you did just break your hand. That's a problem - so address it with yourself.

firebolt

EEK - your wife might be a long lost family member of mine...

And I'm embarrassed to say I spent a good portion of my life with the perfection complex, and refusal to see my responsibility in situations.

Hmm what woke me up was people laying boundaries with me.

Some things people said to me that left me speechless and made me realize my powerlessness (no matter how loud I yelled or how hard I tried to argue):

NO
and if I argued this...
Because I don't want to
and when I still argued....
I am done participating in this conversation
and when I continued to try
They left

My XABF at times refused to participate in activities with me.
A friend of mine stopped coming to me to discuss her problems because I was so judgmental.
My boss stopped addressing problems with me too and became crazy passive aggressive - I don't recommend this tactic...but detaching from me affected me.

How did your AZ mountain retreat pan out? - did it at least temporarily change the dynamic at home?

Can YOU call in a noise disturbance to the police to your own house? Maybe a real consequence of the embarrassment of talking to an officer about an adult screaming would help them realize?

Mountainmanbob

After what your family has been through and it ain't too pretty.
Just think what one full day would be like
with nobody saying even one word.
You may want to make it an every other day calendar event.
Seems it would be one to look forward to ?

Use written communication only on the no talking and screaming days.
Hard to scream on paper plus, leaves a paper trail.

M-Bob

dandylion

Lord...I feel anguish for you....
I can "hear" your fear.....

Love isn't supposed to hurt this much.
We are not put on this earth to just exist and endure...we are made to thrive...

When others are knowingly and deliberately inflicting pain on us...they have a problem....
When we endure it, in the face of other options....that means that WE have a p roblem......

It is often that men live in prisons of their own m aking.....

Carol Star

I agree it can cause PTSD. I would have to set a boundary if possible.

LordChallen

She is truthful in her own way. She can't see it. We all have blind spots. Part of my disease is that I was actually protecting her from some of the opinions people had of her. Even her own kids.

I did get out of the car a couple of times. The last time. . . . we were about 40 miles from home. Took me about 14 hours to walk it off. Crisis intervention was there when I got home.

Therapy helps because our child is there. Because I snap in grand fashion, it basically looks like I'm the crazy one, which I've embraced I've work to do. But she does some processing there and comes up with strategies that helps our daughter cope.

And now, my other yeller (step daughter) has taken her daughter to therapy, because of issues with her XAH. (Keeping the moral high ground.)

But, in one way other another, we're all in therapy now, even if some of us don't think it's for us.

I'm done running from my problems. It's takes two (or more) to tango and so I know I am part of the problem. Even if my "craziness" is less noticeable, I'm still a crazy. Like, I might forget to check the order at the McDonald's window and thus my wife gets the wrong meal.

That stuff makes her crazy, sometimes I don't care because I think is silly to get mad because someone put cheese on sandwich when you asked for no cheese.

I enjoy talking this stuff out, because I actually feel bad about bringing it up, guilty, like I'm hurting them by addressing it. That is part of the disease, the way I feel about it. They should be embarrassed to scream and yell like that.

LordChallen

Thanks dandylion

I believe, in my own way, that if love hurts than I'm the one doing it wrong.

I'm different in many ways, I don't love my family for their sake, I love them for mine. They allow me, by calling me husband and father, to practice those titles. I love those titles. I could perhaps find people that are more fun to hang out with, even my own immediate family, but could I ever proudly claim to be husband and father when I quit before I had to?

I'm not saying it will work out, and when I took my 4 month camping trip in the desert, I was under the impression that I had failed and was unwanted. But, I called my little girl every day, did Skype drive-cam while driving mountain trails and stuff and when I returned for Christmas, they asked me not to leave.

Since I've joined Al-anon, things have gotten better. Some of the yelling has gone away because I simply don't give it credit. I'm beginning to process fears that I had long forgotten. Hope is returning.

But. . . . . some of it still makes me a little nuts. When I posted this, I was actually sitting and typing as they were shouting over my head at each other. I heard it, processed it by sharing it. But I didn't engage in it.

I'm gaining my serenity, one day at a time. But, not there yet. But they would have triggered me something serious 6 months ago.

LordChallen

Calling in the cops on your own house is a level of desperate I have only considered, but haven't done. Sort of like calling CPS on your X and losing your kid over it.

Loved AZ and UT, yup it changed things. Mostly. . . . me. I stopped being the victim. Trying to please crazy is even more crazy.

CentralOhioDad

I think we've all spent way too many years doing exactly this. I know I have, and I'm preparing myself to get off the crazy train once and for all - protecting my DS in the process.

Hope you can find some peace and quiet. Mine doesn't yell, but she talks crazy.

COD

PuzzledHeart

A friend of mine who was undergoing chemotherapy was driven so batty by her neighbors' stereo that she actually purchased a decibel meter. She could give the cops specific decibel readings - they took her much more seriously after that (they couldn't blame her condition or the chemo.)

Apparently, there are apps out there you can download, but according to a 2014 CDC study the Apple apps are better because the iPhone has a more sophisticated audio system. This, of course, may have changed since then.

It might be interesting for you to plot out the data on a daily basis. I don't think if you presented this data to your family you would actually get anywhere, but it would be further confirmation that you're living in less than ideal circumstances. It may be also interesting for the therapist to take a peek too.

And if they're yelling at a level beyond 85/90 decibels, they're going to be candidates for hearing loss if they haven't lost their hearing already.

knowthetriggers

^^ This is NOT okay. I hope the therapist is not making you believe it's okay for anyone to yell. I mean you can't because you are "scary" but she can....No, that is not a healthy environment.

I can tell you that my RAH and I have lived this in recent years. When he was actively drinking , he was moody and we just feed off of each others negativity. One of us would start and then we all started.

It wasn't until I noticed that my youngest child would come in the middle of the chaos and tell everyone she loved them that my eyes were opened.

My RAH (who was still drinking at the time) and I quickly realized that no one will benefit from speaking to each other disrespectfully. We all took a giant step back and over the years have worked very hard to repair the damage we have done to each other. It has been a challenge but well worth it. I will not lie to you, sometimes our tempers flair but we quickly know the steps to take to walk away and calm down before it gets out of control.

I hope you all can find peace in your home.

Bekindalways

In someways it is easier when walking away is the clear choice. LordC, you have a tougher conundrum in that this is not where you are and hopefully will never be.

I like the thought that if nothing changes than nothing changes. It sounds like you have made some important changes to yourself recently. Keep us updated of what else is going on. I hope more changes for everyone.

tomsteve

i found it to be rather insane. didnt matter what i did,it wasnt enough.
thats what happened when i got out of the relationship and became a hostage- id meet her ransom, then another ransom would be set.

but then when i decided i was hurting enough, took the handcuffs off(couldnt believe it was my choice all along to take em off), and got in solutions to help me
remarkable things followed
for me

LordChallen

Things are better but I'm still struggling with things that happened in the past. But that is what this disease is all about, obsessions, stuck memories, etc. The 12 steps and al-anon meetings are basically about processing things that we have been through. But shortly after my daughter arrived, (we adopted a new born) my wife got upset about something at work and blamed in on me and took a drive, (claimed I was unsupportive.) An hour later she calls me saying she has pills, (basically enough to kill someone) and I should tell our daughter that she loved her.

To me, it was basically an attempted suicide. I went off on her, I new everything to say to **** her off and make her mad, to get her out of her self pity. Then I called 5 of her family members to "randomly call her." It worked and she came home and we never mentioned it again. But it had a lot to do with her work and her boss, and stuff. And I raised hell with them and they gave her a work at home position. But I never mentioned it.

But I brought it up about 3 years later because I never processed it. I was still hurt and I was pissed about it. And she had forgotten and blew it off like no big deal.

Everyone has a role to play, and I am the crazy one, even though I'm pretty level headed and rational. She is the "stressed one" believing that she does everything for everyone, but I basically devote my life to trying to keep things for blowing up around her. Everything is a crisis and I help fix it.

She is really stressed, but that is part of her disease. But we still try to make the family work, now. Which I am grateful for.

My complaining here is my effort to share and process this stuff. I see now, if I get better, for real, everything will get better. Eventually, she might see that even she must start looking into her recovery.

I actually enjoy recovery. I think I'm a lifer.

LordChallen

Clear choices do make things easier. And to some, my situation might be clear. But I love my wife. Honestly, she is the smartest woman I know, I mean, my god, she married me. I can still see the woman I love in there.

Life is funny, I mean, I'm just one in 7 billion people and what I do isn't going to amount to spit in the ocean. Even if I left, this would still be my family, I would just try to take care of them and give of myself from a distance. My "uncle" title is huge, and there hundreds of kids that call me "uncle." But only one calls me "dad" that is important to me. If my healing is enough to give me the strength to hang in there, I'm good. But learning boundaries has been a big part of that.